This week’s topic is: Finding Inner Peace in Chaos
There is a lot going on, a lot of shifts happening maybe in your personal life. Maybe in all the plans and schedules that you had put together for summer, your job, whatever it may be.
We want to address this today because we’re getting a lot of questions on restoring balance and finding a sense of stability, security, and feeling good. No matter what’s going on on the outside we can still focus on our inner world, and that’s the part that we can control.
We can’t control anything, really, that happens in the outside world. However, we have a lot that we can do with our responses, our reactions, our self-care practices and so on. I’m really excited to dive into our show today.
Have you been wondering about this very topic? If you want to know the answer to this question and 3 more sent in by Beauties just like you, listen now to find out!
Remember you can submit your questions at https://mysolluna.com/askkimberly/
Marina – Niagara Falls
Since this time of the Covid Crisis I have found myself getting more off track with my mornings rituals, exercise and eating patterns. I feel I’m at a low point again. I’m getting upset and discouraged. I follow your diet very routinely, but at night I’m finding myself wanting to eat more even when I don’t want it. Do you have any tips to help get me back on track?
Barb – NYC
How do I support my friends and family during the Coronavirus crisis? They all have a wide variety of different opinions on it, and I normally find myself just listening. I don’t want to share my opinion because I don’t want to get into heated debates. Some are skeptical and think it is a conspiracy, while others are very worried and anxious, thinking they have the virus (but can’t get tested). Do you have any advice?
Julianna – San Luis Obispo
How do you reinvent yourself?
Kelly – Australia
I’ve been with my husband for nearly 3 decades and he has mentally abused me the whole time. He has mellowed the last couple years but that’s because I’m a much stronger person now. He is a narcissist and I am an empath. We have two boys ages 15 and 17, who are affected by his behavior too. I’m so unhappy as his energy and bad moods ruin my days. How can I bring happiness to our home when he is always so miserable and cranky and we are treated like we are beneath him?
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Kimberly: Hey Beauties, welcome back to our Thursday Q&A podcast where our topic today is Finding Inner Peace in Chaos. There is a lot going on, lot of shifts happening maybe in your personal life, maybe in all the plans and schedules that you had put together for summer, your job, whatever. So we want to really address this today because we’re getting a lot of questions of trying to restore balance and find a sense of stability, and security, and feeling good, and we definitely have a lot to say about this topic.
Kimberly: I also love the title because we know that no matter what’s going on on the outside we still can really focus on our inner world, and that’s the part that we can control. We can’t control anything, really, that happens in the outside world. But we have a lot that we can do with our responses, our reactions, our self-care practices and so on. So I’m really excited to dive into our show today. I hope you’re doing great as you’re listening to this right now wherever you may be.
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Kimberly: We have our lovely Katelyn waiting on the line with us who is now in Virginia. She has gathered the questions for us. She’s the general manager of Solluna, and she is my right-hand person and helps run this podcast. So K, hello. Happy day. Hope you’re doing great.
Katelyn: Yes. So excited to be back with you again and talking about this timely topic. I’ve definitely had good and bad days throughout quarantine and different anxieties. So I’m doing okay over here. But as you Beauties, I, too, and I’m sure you, too, K, we have our good and bad days. I think it’s good to talk about these topics so we have something to reach out to when maybe we’re not feeling so great and when we are.
Kimberly: Absolutely. It does go up and down, I think, like the natural rhythms of the tides, and the sun, and the moon. We’re not always going to feel super chipper. I know for me that has a lot to do with how much I sleep. And it does very much impact my moods and my outlook, so yeah. So let’s dive in, K, and hear what the Beauties are thinking.
Question 1: Since this time of COVID, I’ve found myself getting more off track with my morning rituals, exercise, and eating patterns. I feel I’m at a low point again. I’m getting upset and discouraged. I follow your diet very routinely, but at night I find myself wanting to eat more even when I don’t want to. Do you have any tips on how to get back on track?
Katelyn: Yes. We have Marina living in lovely Niagara Falls. “Since this time of COVID, I’ve found myself getting more off track with my morning rituals, exercise, and eating patterns. I feel I’m at a low point again. I’m getting upset and discouraged. I follow your diet very routinely, but at night I find myself wanting to eat more even when I don’t want to. Do you have any tips on how to get back on track?”
Kimberly: Marina, sending you lots of love out there in Niagara Falls, back on the East Coast where K and I are both from. I totally understand this. When there is something unsettling in our lives, it can feel so disruptive that we actually get off track with our daily schedules. I understand that you try to hold it together, but at night things start to fall apart. That’s when a lot of people become more susceptible to food cravings when the day starts to settle down and maybe you’re not working as much or there isn’t as much going on outwardly. That’s the time when we try to shift our energy with food, which is very common and something that is an easy go-to.
Kimberly: I’ll say a couple things. It sounds like you’re very familiar with routine, which I think is really important. You noticed your rituals, exercise, and eating patterns. I wonder if you are also taking the time in the morning to really ground yourself. I think the breathing, the spiritual component is really, really important for helping us anchor to ourselves right now. Sure, there’s food. Sure, there’s exercise. But ultimately, those things still have limitations because it’s about the physical world. That’s where this source of insecurity and unsettledness is coming from is the physical world. This virus is out there physically: it’s keeping us at home. There’s a lot of unknowns. But that’s where we have to go deeper, like our topic inner peace. This is where we need to anchor into the parts of us that never shift, or change, or go away, the impermanence, the breath, the present moment, ourselves.
Kimberly: So I would just say, Marina, the first thing to do when you get out of bed, even before you get out of bed … Right now, for me, I just sit straight up because I know I have limited time before Bubby gets really going. I sit straight up, and I do my breathing and my meditation right in my bed. I think it’s so important that we anchor into that right away before you make hot water with lemon, before you take probiotics and make GGS and exercise. If you start going right into the pattern of the physical world, what happens is mentally and emotionally your inner world is still not feeling settled. So on the outside, it looks like, “Oh, look. I’m taking care of myself,” but you haven’t taken that potent time to energetically shift in the morning. It’s amazing how many times I would work with clients and they would say, “Oh, I’m doing my hot water with lemon.” All the physical stuff. I’m like, “Well, did you do the meditation we talked about?” “Oh, no. I skipped that part.”
Kimberly: I will just emphasize again our cornerstones are food, body, emotional well-being, and spiritual growth. The third and the fourth one, they’re not chronological or hierarchical. That word. It’s not that they’re least important, they’re actually … They’re all important. But those are the ones because it doesn’t show on the outside. You don’t necessarily see when you’re meditating. It’s not on paper. It’s not something you pick up and hold. Those are the ones that really, I think, a lot of people tend to dismiss, gloss over. Diet is something that when we ignore the third and fourth one we can obsess. We can overemphasize the food and diet component.
Kimberly: So I think if you start anchoring the day into that, Marina, and then developing your evening practice where you’re changing your clothes, going for a little walk, taking a shower, finding ways to anchor in security, and feeling good, and stability from inside, it lessens the hold that you have on the food cravings and the outside because you have other tools. You have other reasons. So even a little bit of breath work. We have blood meditations over at mysolluna.com. Rolling out your yoga mat, doing a little stretch for five minutes and breathing, I feel that it’s so helpful because you’re finding a way to shift your mood and your energy and feel grounded in this unsettling time that doesn’t involve food.
Katelyn: Yes. So helpful. I think oftentimes we do want to skip those-
Katelyn: … meditations and the journaling. I definitely do that. I definitely want to go to the, “Oh, but I wrote everything down. I ate this, and I did that.” Sometimes I would, more in the past, but still now, I feel a bit of resistance to digging into that, that inner peace and chaos. So you Beauties aren’t alone if you too are struggling with that. Kimberly mentioned our four cornerstones, which you guys may or may have not have heard about. If you’re listening to today’s show for the first time, go ahead and head over to mysolluna.com, and we have a wonderful ebook that talks about our four cornerstones and our philosophy that’s definitely worth reading, especially if you have a few extra minutes. You can download it. You’ll get the PDF right on your phone or iPad so you don’t have to worry about printing it out.
Kimberly: Awesome, K. That’s a great reminder. I just put together this resource for you guys. I just want to emphasize how much better I think the results are, deeper, long lasting, sustainable, fuller, more expansive when we really do take this holistic approach. Taking it from someone, myself, that was so obsessed with food and body for so many years, I think this may be a big missing component for a lot of us in taking it to the next level and increasing our peace, increasing our joy, increasing our beauty. All these things will get better. So thank you, Marina, so much for your question. And try it. Make sure that you’re grounding using these emotional and spiritual practices as well as the food and you’ll see that it really starts to naturally shift the food and the emphasis on the food. It’s really interesting how it works.
Question 2: How do I support my friends and family during the coronavirus crisis? They all have a wide variety of different opinions on it, and I normally find myself just listening. I don’t want to share my opinion because I don’t want to get into heated debates. Some are skeptical and think it’s a conspiracy while others are very worried and anxious thinking they even have the virus but can’t get tested. Do you have any advice?
Katelyn: Yes. All right. We have one more question here from Barb who’s living in New York City, our old stomping ground. She’s asking-
Katelyn: Feels like a long time ago now, but …
Kimberly: Oh, yeah.
Katelyn: Yeah, worlds away.
Kimberly: A month ago feels a long time ago to me now, K.
Katelyn: I know. It’s weird when you detach from time and then [inaudible 00:10:59] used to feel-
Katelyn: Yeah, like so defined. Then, when you take a step, it … Especially during the whole quarantine time, it’s like everything’s kind of gotten a little bit shifted around for a lot of people, I’m sure.
Katelyn: All right. So let’s see. Barb from New York is asking, “How do I support my friends and family during the coronavirus crisis? They all have a wide variety of different opinions on it, and I normally find myself just listening. I don’t want to share my opinion because I don’t want to get into heated debates. Some are skeptical and think it’s a conspiracy while others are very worried and anxious thinking they even have the virus but can’t get tested. Do you have any advice?”
Kimberly: Barb, thank you so much for reaching out. Sending you a big, warm hug out there to New York City where, again, Katelyn and I both used to live I definitely have a permanent spot in my heart for New York and for New Yorkers
Kimberly: I love the way that you worded your questions. I think that there’s already so much wisdom in your question that already contains the answer. When you say, “Hey, there’s a lot of opinions, and I don’t want to share mine,” it means that when we want to support people … And people are grasping right now. We know people are panicked to an extent. There’s a lot of fear out there. Some people are very attached to the news, and some of us, such as myself, are a bit more detached from the news, but it’s a very charged issue. I think that the way that we support friends and family is really with connecting with them and meeting them where they are.
Kimberly: So it doesn’t mean we agree with people. It doesn’t mean we get into debates. It doesn’t mean we have to reference all these different conflicting opinions and all these different ways that people are looking at the issue externally. I think it’s more just taking it back to how are you doing, how are you feeling, really, if you’re FaceTiming with someone, looking them in their eyes, telling them that you love them, that you miss them, taking … It’s kind of like when we talk about how to talk about food, and it goes back to connection. That’s what people ultimately need and want is to feel loved, and to feel heard, and seen, and appreciated, and accepted.
Kimberly: So I think if you just shift back to that connection and not get into the political part … They may try to rile you up, but … It’s interesting. It’s like this … I’ve been reading some child psychology books again that Bubby’s preschool teacher gave me just with the new baby and everything. One was about how children keep seeking attention with behavior that’s naughty, so to speak. But if you just take the attention away, they eventually stop. So just to say if someone keeps trying to bring up these topics and they’re so charged but you don’t energetically feed that. You’re just like, “Okay. That’s one way of looking at it.” You just stay really neutral and keep coming back to connection.
Kimberly: You have the power to shift the energy, Barb. It takes two people in a discussion to really keep it heated. So again, if you just say, “Okay, that’s one way of thinking about it. But, how are you feeling? On the other side, I can’t wait to go for a walk with you,” or like, “What have you been cooking these days?” Just make it about real connection and showing them that they love them, that’s how I would handle the situation.
Kimberly: It’s like my dad sends me … He’s in Thailand right now. He’s quarantining there. He’s stuck there. He sends me all these political videos. He’s one of those people that watches YouTube and the news all the time. First of all, I never watch them. Second of all, I don’t get caught up in it. I just say, “Okay. Thanks, Lolo,” which is Filipino for grandfather. I just say, “Thank you, Lolo. How are you doing? How are you feeling? What’s going on with you?” So I just shift it, and then it feels good to me. Then, we’re connected again.
Katelyn: Sometimes I think I’m very … I like to avoid conflict very much. And some people, like you said, are just looking for that energy, and so I agree.
Katelyn: If you don’t want to go there, then it’s best to just diffuse. Because when somebody wants a fight, they’ll probably keep picking, and they don’t really want to hear your opinion. I tried to learn that.
Katelyn: Is somebody looking for advice or an opinion or are they just venting?
Katelyn: Because somebody who has a really strong opinion, unless you feel equally as strong and you want to battle them, it kind of seems like moot point so … Definitely good advice there. It’s kind of where they talk about religion, politics, diet. Those are just things unless you want to go there, it’s just there’s other positive energetic things that we can connect on opposed to divide, especially right now.
Kimberly: Agreed. Agreed. Take it back to connection. Connect is wholeness. Connection feels good. And opinions and right or wrong is separation, so that ultimately doesn’t feel good.
Katelyn: No, it’s true. Yes, that is a good point to make. All right, Beauties, let’s ponder on that for a few minutes while we let Kimberly take a short break. Then, she’ll be back to answer the last two questions.
Kimberly: All right, Beauties. We had our short break, and I’m excited to dive into two more questions right from you guys on the topic of finding inner peace in chaos. Big topic right now. If we don’t have peace, we kind of don’t have anything, really. It affects our moment-to-moment experience of life. You definitely want to breathe energy into nourishing this part of our life, our inner world, finding peace, maintaining the peace for longer and longer periods. I think it’s really possible right now and in any situation because it does, as our title say, it can be cultivated from within no matter what’s going on in the outside world.
Question 3: How do you reinvent yourself?
Katelyn: I couldn’t agree more. This next question’s a little vague. But I feel like with everything going on, and even me personally with the free time and just things shifting, we can kind of start to struggle or lose sight of ourselves. So Juliana from San Luis Obispo wrote, “How do you reinvent yourself?”
Kimberly: Oh my gosh. I love this question. I can go to town with this one, K. I love-
Katelyn: I knew you would like this one. That’s why I was like, “Let me just explain. I know it’s a little vague.”
Kimberly: I love it.
Katelyn: But, we all have been struggling, I think. It’s just if you’ve had downtime or even not, this time has just brought up things in people so we’d love to hear what you think.
Kimberly: Well, I think this is a great question, Juliana, because I have friends, and I think I mentioned this on another podcast, her business … One of my friends, her business went to zero. She was doing luxury PR, imagine. It was luxury travel PR. And now that it’s completely gone for a while. So she was trying to figure out a complete different career change. And for a lot of us, it’s like almost a forced retreat, like a yogic retreat, so to speak, where we’re home. Life is simplified. Choices are taken away. We’re not doing all these social activities. We’re not eating out. So there is this energy of reinvention that if we shift our perspective and we look at it as actually a really exciting, amazing time, I think that it definitely can be.
Kimberly: Now, I think that a lot of people … It’ so funny. I was just talking to my OB-GYN about this. He was saying, “You know how people define themselves by their jobs?” Because he was talking about partner, whoever … So, the doctor he shares an office with is well into his 70s and won’t retire because he doesn’t have any hobbies. He doesn’t have anything else than his job. So reinvention to me means we have to loosen the shackles. We have to loosen this tight attachment we have to all these definitions and labels that we currently put on ourself.
Kimberly: It goes really deep. This is a yogic practice where it was … Ramana Maharshi started asking the question. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Deepak Chopra is someone who also takes on that practice where he says, “Who am I? Who am I?” If you get down to the core, you get past, okay, am I a man, I’m a woman, I am a pharmacist, or a school teacher, whatever your job is, if you keep, keep meditating on this and you start, again, loosening all these labels you have on yourself, you can start to sit with yourself maybe for the first time. And you realize all those things aren’t really you. Just because you’ve been a whatever, an accountant for 20 years doesn’t mean that you have to keep being an accountant. It doesn’t mean that is who you are. Who you are, this is where we talk about our definition of true beauty, is this unique essence. It’s almost impossible to put into words. Or, it is impossible. When you start getting into the ethereal realm, the soul level, the light, the energy, the whatever, whatever we want to define it, you are just … You just are.
Kimberly: So I think when we start to connect with that deep, deep, deep inner space … And yes, the pathway to that is and always has been meditation of some form. It doesn’t have to look a certain way. For you, it might start off by just a minute or two of breathing. Or maybe it’s sitting in nature and breathing, being mindful. Sometimes now I just sit in my yard and I will literally look at a plant and contemplate the simplicity but the profoundness of this plant and where it came from. Then I start to feel connected. Then, I close my eyes and then I can go into wholeness and oneness.
Kimberly: I think from that place … And it doesn’t have to feel so … Again, it doesn’t have to feel so formal. It doesn’t have to look a certain way. But when we can go down into just being, being versus doing, and get to that place, it could take a couple minutes of meditation … And we have free led meditations for you guys over at mysolluna.com to help you get into that space. They’re absolutely free. There’s also some in the ebook that K mentioned earlier and the four cornerstone ebook to get started.
Kimberly: I think we need to separate from all the labels, all the doing, all the running around and sit with ourselves. Then we can start to listen. What starts to emerge is a connection, an intuition. This is what happened with me. Then you start to feel connected to a path. Maybe you don’t know all the steps, but an idea. Hey, I really am super passionate about, I’m going to make this up, but, rehabilitating pelicans. Or I really want to focus on copywriting now. I want to be a writer. I want to start a art studio. Whatever it is, it starts to come from your authentic voice that is, unfortunately, so often covered up. We don’t hear it because we’re so busy running around and living by the labels that we think that we have to or that we have for the past 20 years or whatever. Authentic reinvention becomes almost impossible if we already are under these constructs.
Kimberly: So when we can dive in … And now’s a perfect time because everything has slowed down and quiet to sit with yourself. And you can journal. You can breathe. Like I said, you can go into nature. These are all really potent practices. And you can just start to ask the question, “Who am I? Who am I underneath it all?” And you come up with the obvious ones, I’m the daughter … I’m a New York resident. And you keep going. But, who am I? Who I am? You can start to sit and ideas, and intuition, and passion starts to come.
Kimberly: Then, the next part of that is the how. You don’t have to worry about that yet. First, you start to make a decision about, oh, now I actually want to pursue learning about psychology or learning about how to make jewelry. Then, the rest starts to fall into place. But, that inner listening is absolutely without a question the first step in reinvention.
Katelyn: I think that’s beautifully said. Just even people hear they’re allowed to reinvent themselves. Sometimes they think we feel so confined and restricted by the identity we’ve built for ourselves. It can be really scary to be like, “I’m going to do something else,” or, “I’m not …” I know I went through that being a marathon runner. Then with my hip, I can’t run as much anymore. So I went through this identity crisis of I still like to run, but I can’t run as much and I don’t really feel like I did before. So who am I now as an athlete? Or when I transitioned to plant based. Oh, this is different. I identified this before. So it’s kind of going on that journey that’s never ending, really, because we don’t just get somewhere and stay there. We’re constantly flowing along. So I think that’s really helpful for the Beauties just to hear. Take that pause for yourself, and it’s okay.
Kimberly: You know, K, I’m glad you brought that up because I’ll share personally I … When I started my career, I became very known for food, and being a nutritionist, and then being a celebrity nutritionist. I made a very conscious decision, especially when I got pregnant, that I didn’t want to just be a celebrity nutritionist. I mean, first of all, it was impossible with a baby to work with the kind of people I was working with, and travel in that way, and live in different cities for three, four months at a time.
Kimberly: And secondly, back to this idea of listening to yourself, I just felt called to expand beyond food, which is why I’m so passionate about the four cornerstones, and to really share with you about the spiritual path, and the spiritual journey, and the body practice, all the things beyond food because I was … I feel inauthentic if I just talk about food. Because while I know and believe that food is very important, I also know and believe that it’s not the end-all-be-all.
Kimberly: So I’ve been in this reinvention journey, K, as you know very well. You’ve been with me the entire journey where it’s a little bit of a struggle like, “Hey, I don’t want to just be known as this celebrity nutritionist.” The books would keep expanding beyond that. Starting with Beauty Detox Power was my breakout book to talk about chakras, to talk about the mind connection, and food cravings. Then, the detox book, which was next, was talking about all the different pillars. There was a spiritual section. Then, Perfectly Imperfect had some food, but it had the whole first part.
Kimberly: So, it’s just been this journey of, hey, I’m more than a nutritionist and really standing by that. And it does take time when you shift sometimes for the outer world to see you. But, I think that when you just are who you are, and you live by that, and you’re in that being state, then eventually people see you as you also see yourself.
Katelyn: Right. And that we’re more than our labels, right?
Katelyn: I’m not just a marathon runner. You’re not just a nutritionist. We’re these dynamic beings that have so much to offer and sometimes people … People are always looking for easy associations to feel familiar, and I think that’s where that comes from. But I think ourselves as being, when we know we’re more than that, that’s the first step because it is really hard to break out of that. So anybody that’s doing that … You especially, K, just sharing that story. We should take a minute and be proud of ourselves because it’s not easy to … It’s not.
Katelyn: It’s like an uphill battle when you’re trying to break out of certain views and things like that, but just to be strong and for what you want to do and what makes you happy.
Kimberly: Well, I will say this. I will share this with you guys. Initially, in the short term, it feels safer. If I kept going with my celebrity nutritionist, I was doing well financially. It was glamorous, and people were like, “Oh, this is so amazing.” But, it didn’t feel right for me on the inside. It just like I have to expand beyond that. Now, we’ve been able to continue to expand, and we have our philosophy and everything’s growing. We have the Solluna Circle, which I’m really passionate about. All these different things.
Kimberly: So back to this idea of inner peace. We’re the ones that have to answer to ourselves and to look at ourselves. And there’s nothing more powerful than being authentic and to know you’re living in your truth, even though it’s not easy at first, like you said, K. You have to shift things and make a pivot. Some people take time to catch up. But ultimately, you’re in that place of strength, and power, and authenticity, and I think the universe really does support. Then, you can feel peaceful because you know that you are being true to yourself.
Katelyn: Right. It relates perfectly back to our theme today of working towards finding peace. Because the world will always be chaotic in some form.
Katelyn: Beyond when we get past the COVID-19 time, then you go back to, say, busyness with work or whatever. Things will always continue to happen, so this is a great skill set for everybody to dig into and find a way to add it to your life because it will be applicable for years to come.
Kimberly: It’s true.
Question 4: I’ve been with my husband for nearly three decades, and he has mentally abused me the whole time. He has mellowed out the last couple of years, but that’s because I’m a much stronger person now. He is a narcissist, and I am an empath. We have two boys, 15 and 17, who are both affected by his behavior, too. I’m so unhappy, as his energy and bad moods ruin my days. How can I bring happiness to our home when he is always so miserable and cranky and we are treated like we are beneath him?
Katelyn: All right. We have one more question. It’s a little heavy, but I figured this question … the answer could help people in a lot of different ways beyond what Kelly is struggling with. She’s living in beautiful Australia. Her question is, “I’ve been with my husband for nearly three decades, and he has mentally abused me the whole time. He has mellowed out the last couple of years, but that’s because I’m a much stronger person now. He is a narcissist, and I am an empath. We have two boys, 15 and 17, who are both affected by his behavior, too. I’m so unhappy, as his energy and bad moods ruin my days. How can I bring happiness to our home when he is always so miserable and cranky and we are treated like we are beneath him?”
Kimberly: Whew. Kelly, thank you so much for sharing this. I mean, I am glad that somebody brought up the relationships question because that’s a huge part of environment. And that can create so much chaos in our lives that this is where it really counts because it’s our living space, our home, our day-to-day environment.
Kimberly: This combination of a narcissistic and an empath, I’m sure you’ve read about this, Kelly, are aware that’s a very … It’s almost a magnetic combination where the narcissist and the empath draw each other in, and there’s a lot of relationships that, unfortunately, create that dynamic where somebody can be narcissist and, in your case, to an extreme abusive and very detrimental to the family. Then, the empath is very … acquiesces to that, very loving, and bent. I would just say, Kelly … I know your sons are teenagers now. I mean, I guess when I read this, and I love that you are stronger now, but it still sounds like there’s a lot of abuse and there’s a lot of miserable behavior and bad mood.
Kimberly: So the first thing I would ask you is, do you want to stay? I mean, I don’t mean to be blunt. But having been through situations myself where I did leave my partner, three decades is a really long time. So no one can say you didn’t give it your all. You certainly throw in the hat right away. I would just have a little sit-down with yourself and ask yourself, “Is this how I want to live the rest of my life?” And the answer may very well be yes. I love this person. I want to be with them or not.
Kimberly: I think, first of all, the decision needs to be made. Because the way you worded this question is that it just doesn’t feel like it’s gotten much better, that there’s bad moods, and there’s behavior that’s affecting your children. So I would just get clear either way. If you want to leave, then you can take steps to do that. I love to hear that you are stronger. You definitely deserve to be in a healthy household, Kelly. And if someone’s constantly toxic, then that obviously really does affect you, and it’s not fair. You deserve more than that. On the other hand, if you do want to stay, then there needs to be a pathway to better communication or alleviating this.
Kimberly: I’m not a therapist, but I’ll say, again, just from personal experience … And K can weigh in on this, too, because we’ve been in different relationships. There’s only so much you could do. I mean, if this person’s really toxic, and so unhappy, and just spewing bad energy, of course you have your inner world and you can breathe. Ultimately, there’s people like Buddha that could sit through anything. But, we’re human beings, you know? I don’t know if you’ve tried couple’s therapy or if there’s a way that he can go to therapy and just figure out where this rage is coming from and this unhappiness. If he is going to live with you and the boys, it just seems that he has to take the responsibility of improving himself first.
Kimberly: This topic is inner peace and chaos. But I think in this case, if someone is in your home and they are just narcissistic and spewing bad energy, action does need to be taken. There’s things that we cannot control, obviously like COVID, and the weather, and the job market to an extent, things like that. But if this is your life partner, this becomes one of those things where it’s very … It’s brought this to the surface now where you just have to choose. Do you leave or do you stay? And if you stay for the sake of your health, and your kids, and the whole household, what can actually happen to shift this, especially if it’s been three decades? What therapy or what practices can you put into place? And then to follow through with that. Because ultimately, again, you deserve a more peaceful household. No household is perfect. People fight, and people disagree. There’s messiness and all sorts of things, but it sounds like this is way more than that. So I would look into that.
Kimberly: At the same time, taking care of yourself, Kelly, making sure morning and night you are doing your morning rituals and you’re breathing and meditating, journaling, taking care of your mental health, doing de-stressing practices, whether they’re warm baths, walks, yoga, doing those. But, we are called to action sometimes.
Kimberly: Gandhi was a yogi, but he still peacefully protested. He still was able to take action but in a loving way. So it doesn’t mean just because we want peace, it doesn’t mean we sit back in every situation and we do nothing. Sometimes we do have to take action. And here, I think only you can answer this question, Kelly. Fundamentally, is this something that can improve or is it time to make a big life shift. Which, again, may sound scary and into the unknown, but I’ve been there myself and so has Katelyn, who’s also gotten divorced. And to say, wow, as people that on the other side of relationships, life is open, and free, and so much better. K, please [inaudible 00:38:17].
Katelyn: Yeah. I saw Kelly’s questions when I was going through the forms, and my heart obviously went out to her and I wanted to bring her question in here. I know, as you mentioned, we’re not therapists, but we’re the community. I just figured we could give our insight to the world. And I agree. I mean, three decades is a long time. And for me, I think I struggled a lot with codependency in my past relationships and just kind of identifying who I am through that person, which created really unhealthy boundaries. It just wasn’t great for me. So over the years and in my new relationship now, I’ve just found ways to … I don’t feel so connected in the way of if my husband’s in a bad mood, it doesn’t necessarily me in a bad mood, right?
Kimberly: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Katelyn: I used to always feel like if he would get upset about something, I’d be like, “Oh my god. What am I going to do?” It’d mess up my whole day because he was upset. And now we’ve been together for over three and a half years, and I know him more. I’ll be like … He comes home and, say, he’s in a bad room. I’ll be like, “All right.” I know he just likes space. He’s the type of person that likes space, and I’m the type of person that likes to talk it out and be up your butt when I’m upset, right? So, we’re different. I’m just kind of like, “Okay. I’m going to go about my day and still have a good day. He can be upset.” But, years ago I couldn’t do that. To Kim’s point, I would just say, Kelly, also, there’s that decision you have to make. Once you make a decision that you’re staying, then you have to find a path that can make it livable for you.
Katelyn: What are the boundaries and requirements needed to say, “Okay, this is healthy,” or healthier. Or if you’re choosing the latter to leave, then you set up this … It just takes time that you set up all of that, it can be overwhelming. But, I think the biggest point is making a decision.
Katelyn: One of my girlfriends is in a really unhealthy relationship. I feel bad for her, but it’s like she chooses to say. So I kind of tell her like, “If you’re going to stay with him, then this is kind of your reality.” Not to be mean, but I was like, “It’s been four or five years. He’s not changing. You’re constantly upset. By staying, you’re kind of accepting there is not much that can change because you keep getting upset that he keeps doing X, Y, Z.” So, there’s that, too, where there’s things you can control and there’s things you can’t, like changing other people. So if you’re not happy and then because of him, he’s not going to change. So it’s just something to look at for anybody, whether it’s friendships. Some people have toxic family relationships. You have to just find a way to navigate that that works for you, and there’s no right or wrong way.
Kimberly: No. I think that’s a great point, K, where if he’s not going to change, then it comes down to asking yourself, “Is this how I want to live?” And if the answer’s yes, then how can it get better? Therapy? Communication? Maybe you’ve tried those things, though, and you’re like, “Well, this is never going to change.” Then, it’s like, do you want to live the rest of your life like this? And maybe time to move on.
Katelyn: Yeah, that’s kind of how it was with my ex-husband. He wasn’t a bad guy, it just we were different personalities. I wanted him to be somebody who he never could be. And just personality-wise, and there was other things. Where now with my current husband, our personalities are just similar, more similar in a way that I feel more connected and I don’t have to demand things of him because he just naturally is … I don’t want to say more loving, but it’s just a more open personality where it’s like … You can’t change somebody’s personality. People are kind of innately who they are. You can change certain things about people. But if you want somebody to be super mushy and affectionate and that’s not innately how they give love … There’s that book, I think, like the Love Languages that just talk about how people like to give and receive love, and we just weren’t on the same page. There’s nothing wrong with that person hypothetically. It’s just they’re not right for you.
Katelyn: So, all those things. I mean, it’s heavy. Relationships are heavy. Just wanted to bring that up-
Kimberly: [inaudible 00:42:56].
Katelyn: … to kind of round out this chaos conversation and how we can find a little bit of peace.
Kimberly: Yeah, no. I’m really glad this came up because there’s one thing … Like I said, I think it’s important to distinguish the inner peace versus sometimes to take action. Sometimes with relationships, you need to leave. I mean, just being blunt. Or you need to shift things. Again, Katelyn and I have both been there ourselves, and on the other side is great peace.
Kimberly: I love this question because, however you answer it for yourself, Kelly, it just shows that we have to tune into ourselves, and listen, and be strong enough if the answer is something that requires action. It’s a little bit scary to be true to that. Otherwise, you’re not living authentically, and then you may get the same results that you’re not happy with. And that drags on and life becomes this predictable sort of unhappy experiences.
Katelyn: Yes. And just being present. Just to wrap that up, my last thought around that is when I was in previous relationships, I always wanted to be somewhere else. Now, I’m just happy where I am.
Katelyn: I’m not thinking about being with anybody else or being somewhere else. When I’m with my husband or my friends, I want to be with them, and I’m very connected. And that’s where my disconnect was in the past, that yearning for something else-
Katelyn: … that I wasn’t receiving. So I think just being in touch with yourself, as Kimberly mentioned, and digging into this, you’ll start to work towards some type of peace, whatever that means for you.
Kimberly: Love that. Thank you, K.
Thought of the Week
Katelyn: All right, K. Well, we’re rounding out here. We’d love to see if there’s any inspirational thought in your head right now that you’d like to share.
Kimberly: Oh my gosh, K, you’re not going to believe this. This is the one. This is the quote I pulled for the show today. But, it almost mirrors exactly what you just said, which is so funny.
Katelyn: Oh, wow.
Kimberly: This is a quote from one of my favorite teachers, Eckhart Tolle. He writes, “Stress is caused by being ‘here’ but wanting to be ‘there’.” Isn’t that funny that you just said that?
Katelyn: Wow. That’s really funny.
Kimberly: When we are here, we are here. We are present. We’re breathing. We’re just being. We’re experiencing. We’re living. But the stress is when we’re like, “I don’t want to be here,” or, “I shouldn’t be here. I should be some …” And this could be, in Kelly’s case, knowing that action needs to be taken, not taking it perhaps or any relationship like that. Or it could be when we feel like we’re not doing enough, things aren’t moving fast enough. We’re trying to control the outside world. That all creates stress.
Kimberly: So back to this idea of inner peace and chaos. If we can breathe and just be here right now as we are and find a way to feel okay with that, and peaceful, and knowing that the more peaceful we are, the more whole and the more connected we are, and then ironically the more the outer world shapes to that, the more that opportunities and connections come because everything is vibration. So even if you’re not exactly where you want to be today, if you can find peace with it, then the future starts to unfold and then you start to feel a lot more powerful and connected, because connection is the key to manifestation.
Katelyn: So beautiful. Just thinking. Recommendation, if you have read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now or … Oh, I’m blanking on the other one.
Kimberly: A New Earth.
Katelyn: A New Earth. There we go. I was going to say A New Earth was really impactful for me. I’ve read it several times over the years that we’ll put links in the show notes for you guys that sometime these reads can stick with you and it’s just nice to flip through the pages and remind yourself.
Katelyn: Well, thank you for that beautiful closing, K. And thank you, Beauties, for listening. As always, please head over to mysolluna.com and click on the podcast tab and submit your questions. We are looking at them every week. That’s how they form our shows. We really value your opinions and what you have to say.
Kimberly: Awesome, K. Well, thank you so much, as always, for organizing this show and being here with me with the Beauties. Beauties, we love you so much. We send you so much love. We are all on our individual journeys, but we’re all so connected at the same time, and we are one. We are here. We are here to support each other. And we are so honored and grateful that you’re part of our community. As K mentioned, please check out the show notes. Please check out especially the Solluna Circle, which came to mind for me very much during this show, which is an online program that we have that’s a low cost entry point. We dive into a deep topic every month. In June, it’s vitality, for instance. We talk about all the self-care practices from food, body, emotional, and spiritual cornerstones.
Kimberly: All that being said, sending you lots of love. We will be back here Monday for our next interview podcast, which is always awesome. Take great care of yourself till then. And again, lots and lots of love.