How to Raise Your Standards In Your Love Life with Matthew Hussey [Episode 883]
This week’s topic: How to Raise Your Standards In Your Love Life with Matthew Hussey
I am so excited for our amazing guest today, the Matthew Hussey, who has a new book out, which is amazing, very easy to read, very informative. It’s called Love Life, How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What. If you’re not familiar with Matthew, he has millions of people on his number one YouTube channel for dating. He is a New York Times bestselling author. He is also incredibly kind and loving himself. I’ve actually seen some of his videos because I have many friends who have used Matthew’s advice to find their loved ones. So I am so excited to share…..
Topics Covered
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Book Overview
09:31 Finding Happiness Today and Breaking Unhealthy Patterns
32:21 Recognizing Compatibility Beyond Surface-Level Interests
43:35 Navigating the Pressure of Having Children
51:50 Creating Plans for Different Eventualities
About Matthew Hussey
Matthew Hussey is a New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence. His YouTube channel is number one in the world for love life advice, with over half a billion views. He writes a weekly newsletter and is the host of the podcast Love Life With Matthew Hussey. Hussey provides monthly coaching to the members of his private community at LoveLifeClub.com. Over the past fifteen years, his proven approach has inspired millions through authentic, insightful, and practical advice that not only enables them to find love but also feel confident and in control of their own happiness. He lives in Los Angeles.
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Transcript:
Note: The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate. This is due to inaudible passages or transcription errors. It is posted as an aid, but should not be treated as an authoritative record.
Kimberly Snyder (00:01.232)
Hi loves, welcome back. I am so excited for our amazing guest today, the Matthew Hussey, who has a new book out, which is amazing, very easy to read, very informative. It’s called Love Life, How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What. If you’re not familiar with Matthew, he has millions of people on his number one YouTube channel for dating. He is a New York Times bestselling author,
Matthew Hussey (00:09.166)
a new book out which is amazing, very easy to read, very informative, called Love Life, How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What. If you’re not familiar with Matthew, he has millions of people on his number one YouTube channel for dating, is New York Times bestselling author. He is also incredibly kind and loving himself. I’ve actually.
Kimberly Snyder (00:30.672)
He is also incredibly kind and loving himself. I’ve actually seen some of his videos because I have many friends who have used Matthew’s advice to find their loved ones. So I am so excited to share this amazing book. And Matthew, thank you so much for being here with us today.
Matthew Hussey (00:35.885)
Thanks for having me Kimberly and sharing your platform with me. It’s a privilege to be here.
Kimberly Snyder (00:56.432)
Well, we were just chatting a little bit. I just got back from the farm in Hawaii and I understand that you are married now and that you and your wife would perhaps love to live a little bit of a farm life yourself.
Matthew Hussey (01:08.525)
Do you know we got married in Kauai? We did the big wedding with family and friends and everyone in Sicily, but we needed to get a marriage license somewhere that would be a little easier. And we live in America, we live in LA.
Kimberly Snyder (01:10.736)
Did you? What?
Kimberly Snyder (01:22.928)
Yes.
Matthew Hussey (01:36.204)
We were like, where would we go if we got to just have our own little elopement away from everybody else? What would be our dream? And Kauai was that dream. So we flew to Kauai and we got married on the beach in Kauai, just the two of us and someone doing this, the little tiny little ceremony. And it was, it will forever go down as one of my favorite memories is being there and doing that. So it, you know, I could easily sell.
going and starting a farm in Kauai to Audrey. She would be there tomorrow.
Kimberly Snyder (02:11.024)
I looked on your Instagram and I saw the, you know, the fairy tale Italian wedding that was so beautiful. So I didn’t know that. That’s amazing.
Matthew Hussey (02:20.587)
Yeah, no, it was so lovely to do it with all of our loved ones. And at first I was a little intimidated by that. It just felt I’m not one for like birthday parties and things like that. I don’t like to be the center of attention in that way. But when it was our wedding, it didn’t strike me until I was there how amazing it is to have all these people you love in one place for you. It was really special, but it was also really special for me and Audrey just to sneak off to a beach in Kauai.
Kimberly Snyder (02:34.384)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (02:43.6)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (02:51.408)
Well, I loved how you got really personal in your book and you shared about how you’ve been this dating coach since your 20s and yet you didn’t get married till recently. So, you know, a lot of us have seen your YouTube channel, we’ve seen a lot of your videos and I just wonder how you were drawn to this path, Matthew. It sounded very organic, people were starting to come to you. How did you even get into relationship dating in the first place as a young single man?
Matthew Hussey (02:57.545)
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey (03:18.889)
Well, I needed all the advice myself. So that was why I started because I was like my first case study trying to, and not as in I was my first case study trying to find love. I was a teenager when I became interested in self -development. I was my first case study when it came to wanting to be more confident and wanting to know how to have more impact with people. And I was…
Kimberly Snyder (03:22.704)
you
Matthew Hussey (03:48.169)
maybe 11, 12 years old when I first read How to Win Friends and Influence People. It was a book that was on my dad’s bookshelf when I was growing up and I picked it off and I started reading it and I was hooked. It just was, to me as a kid, it was a revelation to learn that there are actually things you can do to have more impact, that you don’t need, I didn’t need to be stuck with how shy I was.
Kimberly Snyder (03:53.264)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (04:17.872)
Hmm.
Matthew Hussey (04:18.216)
I didn’t need to be condemned to, I’m an introvert naturally, I’ll always be an introvert, but I was shy in ways that didn’t always help me on top of being introverted. And this book helped me to start to come out of my shell more. And from that point on, I kind of became just so invested in…
different tools that I could learn that could help me have more of an impact in life. So when I started working with other people, it was only me sharing what had already worked for me and what I’d loved learning about. I had no idea the extent to which my YouTube channel that started at 19 years old would go on to get half a billion views. Uh, and you know, millions of subscribers. I just could never have, I could never have predicted that. And.
you know, over time, more and more people would come to me for help in their love lives. And, you know, my first book 10 years ago became a New York Times bestseller. And it just, you know, every one thing after another just kept taking me into kind of a greater sense of scale. But I’m still doing what I was doing 17 years ago when I started. I’m still just standing on stage, making videos, talking about these subjects that…
I really, really enjoy and that have really, really not just helped millions of others, but have helped me and continue to help me.
Kimberly Snyder (05:49.072)
It’s such a beautiful story. It’s so organic. And I, you know, you can feel the, the humility, the humbleness, the kindness, the accessibility. And I think that’s part of the magic, the Matthew Hussey magic. Also, what I love about your philosophy, and it really comes through in your notebook is that you’re not selling being in a relationship, as you say in your own words, as a badge of honor, you really talk about being whole and happy and complete in yourself. And then if you want to share life with another person that’s beautiful, or if it’s
prompts you to leave a unhappy relationship, which is something I’ve gone through myself. And this, wow, this new freedom, this new energy rushes in that, you know, it’s not so, it’s just not this one exact way that people have, this one path people have to follow. And you really talk about that.
Matthew Hussey (06:36.901)
Yeah, well, I mean, firstly, for anyone who, you know, is listening to this thinking, I really want to find love. I really want to find my person. It’s the most universal feeling in the world and there’s nothing to be ashamed of in wanting it. It’s, you know, I think we still live in this, this culture that kind of, it almost shames people for wanting this thing.
certainly for wanting it too badly, when it’s something we all want, but we have to sort of pretend that we’re fine and we’re indifferent. And, you know, if it happens, it happens. When deep down we’re like, please, I just really want this to happen. We’re like, we have to pretend that we don’t care or that we’re not that invested in it. When for many people, it’s the thing they want the most in the world. Add to that if they want a family and they feel like there’s a…
Kimberly Snyder (07:16.944)
Yes.
Matthew Hussey (07:34.435)
You know, they’re running out of time to have a family. Now there’s a whole other added level of panic and anxiety around that never happening and their window closing. So I wrote this book in part to also take the pressure off of anyone who is making themselves, who is shaming themselves for wanting to find love as badly as they do. And frankly, for feeling that it’s really hard to be single because…
It is hard to be single and it is a lonely road much of the time and it can create a real kind of ongoing heartbreak. It’s not necessarily the acute heartbreak of the love of your life just broke up with you. It’s the ongoing chronic pain of longing, of going to bed each night, really wishing someone was next to you and not having anyone next to you. That pain is real.
And it is normal and it is human. And yes, we live in a world that loves to extol the virtues of solitude and how important it is to spend time alone and to be good in your own company. And that’s all true. But at a certain point, even when we’ve got good at being on our own and in our own company, there’s a little thing that’s in our mind that says to us, okay, I’d really like to find love now. So I want to take that burden of…
shame off of people and say it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to feel lonely, it’s okay that you really want to find love. Now let’s look at what we can do to find love a little faster and that’s a huge part of what this book is designed to be, as a co -pilot for anyone who’s looking to find love. But also how can we get to a place of
what I call happy enough today so that we don’t feel like we’re wasting our lives waiting for it to happen because these are good years and you might be in some of the best years of your life and you don’t want to lose them to anxiety and to constantly fearing whether it’ll ever happen or not. I don’t…
Kimberly Snyder (09:33.968)
Yes.
Matthew Hussey (09:59.298)
I say specifically happy enough instead of happy because happy is intimidating. And a lot of the people who say you just have to be happy first, there’s almost a little bit of like, it’s easy to say that when you’re married, when you’re in a relationship and you look back and you go, oh, you just have to find happiness now before it ever happens. You know, like I could BS on that. I bet you weren’t 1000 % totally whole and happy before you met this person that’s now the love of your life.
We all have work to do and we all still struggle but can we get to a place of happy enough where we say I… You can even admit when you’re happy enough you can even admit that if I met the love of my life I might be happier but I’m happy enough today that if it doesn’t happen I’ll be okay.
Kimberly Snyder (10:37.456)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (10:47.152)
you
Matthew Hussey (10:55.202)
I’m happy enough today that if the wrong person walks through the door, I can say no. I’m happy enough today that if the right person walks through the door, I can be myself instead of the person that I try to be when the stakes are so impossibly high that I feel like I can’t screw anything up because if I lose this person, then I’m going to die.
That’s what I mean when I say happy enough and this book is not just about helping people find love faster but it’s about helping them achieve that state of happy enough while they’re on the way there.
Kimberly Snyder (11:29.552)
That’s so beautiful and it’s so true because we don’t want to feel so desperate that people can smell it, right? You said in part of the book where people can feel I’m too important too quickly, but at the same time, we want to feel that wholeness so that we can more easily magnetize someone in.
Matthew Hussey (11:48.674)
And dangerously, when someone becomes too important too quickly, there are two dangers of that. One is what you just said, which is that people will start to question our value if they become too important too quickly to us. Because they’re like, why is this person suddenly treating me like I’m a God when all I’ve done is been, I’ve been on one date with them and was mildly charming. But the other danger is that if we in
Kimberly Snyder (12:07.664)
I see.
Kimberly Snyder (12:11.76)
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey (12:17.602)
our desire to find love, make someone too important too quickly. We miss all of the warning signs that they’re actually not someone we should be considering as a serious candidate for our life partner. We miss, we make our minds up about how great they are before we ever know. And all we know in the, for anyone out there who gets too obsessed with someone too quickly,
Kimberly Snyder (12:38.928)
Yes.
Matthew Hussey (12:45.442)
What we tend to do there is that we measure someone’s importance by the impact they have had on us. But impact doesn’t mean character. Character can only be measured over time. And character is consistent. So you don’t know, you can’t measure consistency on three dates.
Kimberly Snyder (12:58.256)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (13:02.224)
Right.
Matthew Hussey (13:12.194)
All you know is the impact someone has had on you that they feel really exciting, that it feels like you have an amazing connection, that you can talk about anything, that you’re really attracted to them. That’s great from the point of view of impact, but it’s not suggestive of their character. Character is consistent and consistency can only be measured over a longer period of time. So if you want to make someone less important immediately,
Remind yourself that you don’t really know them. You don’t really know who they are. You don’t know what their character is. And you can only see that by taking a bit more of a, we’ll see approach rather than a, this is it approach.
Kimberly Snyder (13:42.96)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (13:55.664)
And also Matthew, it’s important to get to know our own patterns, right? I know you talk about this in your work a lot because for me, one of the patterns I could only see over time was, as you’re suggesting, I would be really into someone, but it was someone that, as I look back, was a little bit, felt safe, right? Because then I have abandonment issues. My mom went back to work when I was two weeks old. So I wanted to keep love. So it was always like, I wanted to love the person more, right?
Matthew Hussey (14:15.746)
Mm -hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (14:25.232)
So then it was this pattern of, hey, that’s not working. I’m just not, you know, just not into them anymore over and over again. So it is really important that we take this moment to reflect and see what are my patterns? Why am I always ending up breaking up with this person or it doesn’t end up, you know, working out. So we have to see that in ourselves before we just become this chronic data and then worry in 10 years or what, you know, wonder why, why am I, why are my relationships not really working out? Why am I not feeling fulfilled?
Matthew Hussey (14:46.938)
Fear.
Matthew Hussey (14:54.265)
Yeah, we, there’s a moment, one of my favorite chapters in this whole book is a chapter called Never Satisfied. And it’s a chapter where I talk about why it is we keep going for the wrong things over and over again, things that hurt us, things that bring us pain. A cycle that a lot of people find themselves in, and I’m guilty of this too, is going for…
Kimberly Snyder (15:02.992)
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey (15:23.768)
someone who, you know, in some way excites you, but is not really available to you. And then when we get steamrolled by that person and they really hurt us, we feel like, Oh my God, I just need someone who’s, you know, a good person who’s going to treat me well. And then we find a good person who treats us well and we feel safe, but we feel bored. And.
Kimberly Snyder (15:31.888)
Yes.
Matthew Hussey (15:53.687)
We go, this can’t be it. I don’t feel what I’m supposed to feel. And so we question it, whether they’re the right person. And then we go back out in search for someone who excites us. And then we get hurt all over again. And so we end up in this loop between these two different feelings. And I wrote this chapter to basically outline the five reasons why we keep going for the wrong people.
And one of them, as you alluded to, when you talked about your childhood is we have certain things, certain realities that we are used to that are familiar to us. And because they’re familiar to us, we find ourselves continuously gravitating towards those things. And they become, there’s a race car driver, Mario Andretti, who said his tip for race car driving was don’t look at the wall.
your car goes where your eyes go. So if you’re always looking at the wall, you’re just going to crash into the wall, even though what you want is to go around the wall. And I have watched this play out not only in my own life, but in people’s lives who I’ve coached for the last 17 years, all over the world, who keep looking at the wall. And there was a, and because they keep looking at it, they keep crashing into it.
Kimberly Snyder (17:15.888)
Mmm.
Matthew Hussey (17:21.461)
worked with a woman who had real abandonment issues herself and she started dating a guy who by all accounts was a good guy, like he had been treating her well and then one Saturday he had a little get together with his friends and he didn’t invite her and it really hurt her. She felt abandoned, she felt like I like him more than he likes me, I’m gonna get hurt.
He’s embarrassed by me. He didn’t want me around his friends. It was so much story had taken place in her head. On the day she was cold with him the two days before, because that was her pattern, was just go cold. Because if I’m going to get back for her, some people when they worry about abandonment, when they have a core abandonment wound, they go into a foreign instinct. And it’s how do I make you happy? How do I make sure that you don’t let me go for her? She went into.
Kimberly Snyder (18:01.072)
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey (18:19.476)
fight or flight where she was like, I’m out. If you’re going to hurt me, I’m out. And so what she did was she went cold. And then on the day she turned to fight and she went, why didn’t she text him and said, why didn’t you invite me? And he said, I’m so sorry. I just, I haven’t seen these friends in a while. I was excited to see them. I was just getting a few people together. I didn’t realize it would, it would hurt you. Can I call you later? And she wrote back,
Kimberly Snyder (18:20.688)
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey (18:48.788)
don’t bother. And he then didn’t call her for days. And then she spoke to me and said, what do I do? I just feel like, you know, he was great, but then he didn’t invite me. And so I texted him this. And so here is a person who is so worried about being abandoned that she made abandonment happen. Right. Because what happens is when we’re so when we’re really afraid of the wall,
Kimberly Snyder (19:11.056)
Yeah.
Yeah, Jimmy created it.
Matthew Hussey (19:19.091)
some of us, it’s like we will get close to it so that we can control it. And for her, it was like, I’m going to abandon him before he can abandon me or I’m going to force him to abandon me. So she said, don’t bother. And then he said, okay, I guess I won’t call. But she didn’t do any of the things that might have allowed that relationship to progress. And that’s what I mean by when we’re staring at the wall, we end up bringing on
Kimberly Snyder (19:31.28)
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey (19:48.915)
the very thing we say we don’t want in life, which is one of the great tragedies.
Kimberly Snyder (19:56.336)
Mm. Well, let me, I love this real world example, Matthew. Now another one I’m going to throw at you is the fixer, right? So I’ve, I’ve done this myself being with someone that says, Oh, they’re not, you can’t get that close. They’re not in touch with their feelings. I feel like I can fix this person. I feel like I can open up their heart. I can change them. They have this history and they’ve even said to me, I can’t get really close to someone. Um, my ex, my last ex did not work out. We, um, he’s a great guy.
but we ended up having a child together and separating. So it did create a lot of pain. But you know, we get along great, but it was that pattern or a pattern where I said, oh, I can be the one. I can be the one to change this person. And I’m sure you see this a lot in your work. You talk about red flags, you talk about consistency. What would you say to a listener right now who’s like, yeah, I do that.
I try to be that one that, you know, you see the person in front of you and you want them so badly to be different that you keep going down that path.
Matthew Hussey (20:49.651)
try to be that one that you know you see the person in front of you and you want them so badly it’s going to be different. Yeah. Well it’s firstly just just having compassion for where that comes from for you is really really important. You know the same thing I said to that woman that I coached is when you got triggered by him not inviting you to this little get -together.
have compassion for the part of you that is triggered because this is not, you didn’t decide to get triggered. It’s not like you said, you know what I’m gonna do today? I’m gonna wake up, I’m gonna feel anxious all day, I’m gonna feel sick to my stomach that this person doesn’t like me, I’m gonna just have a really miserable day. You didn’t decide that. There is something deep in you that comes from a time that was very real.
Kimberly Snyder (21:24.816)
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey (21:49.619)
And whether or not this situation is real, whether or not you truly like him more than he likes you, or he’s going to hurt you eventually, we don’t know any of that. But even if it’s not real right now, there was a time in your life where it was real. And you’re still feeling that today. And so instead of hating yourself for that, show compassion and sympathy for yourself that this is not feeling I chose. It’s a feeling that’s visited me.
Kimberly Snyder (22:04.528)
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey (22:19.731)
and it’s not a nice feeling to have. So I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anybody, least of all myself. Let me give myself compassion right now. And so for that person who’s going into fixer mode, start with that compassion of there is a cycle of this in my life that comes from somewhere. Let me give myself compassion for that.
Kimberly Snyder (22:39.408)
Mm.
Matthew Hussey (22:42.323)
I didn’t just choose to go into fixer mode out of nowhere. Something got triggered in me that’s making me feel like I need to or want to fix this person. Then when we have that compassion, it allows us to breathe a little better. We can have a little awareness that makes us step back from it and say, this is a pattern. This probably almost certainly isn’t the first time I’ve tried to do this. It’s occurred before in my life. And if it’s occurred before in my life,
then it’s really not about this person. It’s about something in me that is happening. So in a way that helps because it stops us from making this person too important in the story. We stop thinking that the, you know, the reason that I’m doing this is because this is the one and I just need to fix them so that they realize it and they just become what I need them to be. And no, we’re feeling this not because they’re the one, we’re feeling this because this is…
Kimberly Snyder (23:26.832)
Yeah, back to that.
Matthew Hussey (23:42.323)
what we feel in situations like this. So that allows you to start to see it as a pattern rather than an indicator of how important the person is. Then we can say, is this pattern one that serves me? Does it help me? And you have to get really honest about that. Now with the fixer pattern, you have to say,
Kimberly Snyder (23:46.128)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Matthew
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