Fawning: How We Can Lose Ourselves and How to Come Back with Dr. Ingrid Clayton [Episode #1018]
Episode Summary:
In this conversation, Kimberly speaks with Dr. Ingrid Clayton who shares her journey of understanding complex trauma and the Fawn response. After years of therapy and personal work, she reflects on her struggles with self-acceptance and healthy relationships. Through her experiences and education in psychology, she has gained new perspectives that have facilitated her healing process.
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Episode Chapters
00:00 Understanding the Fawn Response
00:35 Signs of Fawning in Relationships
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TRANSCRIPT:
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (00:01.436)
Hi Ingrid, thank you so much for joining us today.
Ingrid (00:04.802)
Thanks for having me!
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (00:07.834)
You know, I think your book really stood out to me because I only recently heard of this word fawn and fawning. And we all hear about fight and flight quite a bit because of all the nervous discussion and then freeze. But this whole fawning aspect, which of course weâre going to get into really deeply today, seems to be newer, at least in its identification.
Ingrid (00:21.891)
Mm-hmm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (00:34.556)
Can you tell us a little bit as a clinical psychologist how you even started focusing on this aspect in your work?
Ingrid (00:42.666)
Yeah, itâs new on the scene to just about everyone, actually. Weâve long talked about fight, flight and freeze, but I feel like fawning has been kind of hiding in plain sight and there are lots of different reasons for that. But one, think when you think about fight, flight and freeze, they look like obvious sort of trauma responses, right? Youâre going against the threat. But with fawning, youâre actually leaning in.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (01:02.138)
Yes.
Ingrid (01:07.832)
the source of harm. And thereâs this appeasement factor, which could look like flirting or flattering or going along to get along. Thereâs a caretaking aspect. So it looks like you have agency. It looks like conscious choice, but actually underneath that is just like a fight, flight and freeze responses and unconscious reflexive survival mechanism. And so, you know, Pete,
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (01:29.519)
Yes.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (01:34.864)
And why did you focus on this?
Ingrid (01:36.782)
Yeah, well, so Pete Walker coined the term, the Fawn response, I think in like 2013, but itâs really just coming into the mainstream now. And I come at his work and through this lens of complex trauma, which is relational trauma, in part because Iâm a clinical psychologist, but more than that, Iâm a childhood trauma survivor. And the reason I became a psychologist to begin with is largely because Iâve been trying to crawl out from under something that Iâve
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (02:01.754)
Yes.
Ingrid (02:05.28)
lived with my whole life and none of the other frameworks ever freed me, right? Whether you talked about people pleasing or codependency or, know, it just felt like those frameworks were keeping me just as stuck as everything else I tried. And so when I came upon Pete Walkerâs work and understanding these behaviors, you know, what weâve called sort of codependent or people pleasing behaviors,
in this trauma-informed lens, it was like, my word, I finally make sense to myself, right? And it just kind of set off this cascade of not only personal understanding, but my work with my clients changed. And now here we have the book on fawning. So hopefully, honestly, more people can make sense to themselves too. Thatâs the whole point, yeah.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (02:58.074)
You know, I really, think thereâs, I think this is a lot more common than we realize. And I also, you know, applaud your bravery and telling some of your story in the book and sharing client stories. And I have to say Ingrid, when I started to read your book, I got a very specific feeling in my body. You know, trauma can get stored somatically and Iâve done so much work on myself, but it brought me back to
Ingrid (03:04.992)
Yeah.
Ingrid (03:10.999)
Hmm.
Ingrid (03:19.403)
Mmm. Mmm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (03:27.41)
my childhood and very early adolescence where I know you talk about being 13 and 12, 13, 14. I just remember walking around in the world and being quite innocent. And I started my period later and I started to get, my aunt said this to me, oh, youâre getting all this attention from men. And they would sort of look and be like, you hereâs this, you know, what they would be pretty little girl or teenager. And I didnât know what to do. I would smile.
Ingrid (03:28.59)
Mmm.
Ingrid (03:33.249)
Yeah.
Ingrid (03:39.918)
Hmm.
Ingrid (03:54.349)
Yeah.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (03:56.144)
or sometimes even giggle like you talk about when youâre feeling uncomfortable. And my author said to me, stop smiling. And it was almost like this shame, know, every time we went into public, donât smile. And I remember being very confused and feeling shame and feeling like I didnât really know what was going on. And then reading your book and I thought about it, but it just feels very complicated. Thereâs a complication to finding, cause weâre not trying to flirt.
Ingrid (04:00.035)
Yeah.
Ingrid (04:04.267)
Wow.
Ingrid (04:09.966)
Mmm.
Aww.
Ingrid (04:19.416)
Yeah.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (04:24.828)
Weâre trying to be safe. Weâre trying to get out of danger. Itâs very uncomfortable. But then thereâs this shame that can get wrapped into it. So I started to read the book and I was like, gosh, I didnât really dig into fawning before, but I really think thatâs what was going on.
Ingrid (04:33.176)
Thatâs right.
Ingrid (04:39.277)
Mm-hmm.
Ingrid (04:43.438)
I think it is very common and I think about it this way that fawning tends to come online when fight, flight and freeze are either unavailable or would make things worse. So if you think about your example there and certainly my childhood, right, fighting back to the powers that be to, you know, largely men or your parents, theyâre twice your size, they hold all the power. Yeah, itâs not going, you know, they literally hold your life in their hands.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (04:56.251)
Right.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (05:06.77)
Yeah.
Ingrid (05:13.454)
The flight response, right, where are going to go? Youâre going to be brought right back to the scene of the crime. Where are you going to go? This is wherever you go. This sort of male gaze, this threatening sort of, itâs the waters that we swim in day in, day out. And the freeze response, although also very common response to trauma, when things are so chronic and ongoing and itâs day in and itâs day out, the body found this way to adapt. I believe it is this ultimately genius adaptation to go,
This is my reality, right? That I have to navigate. I canât fight back. I canât leave and I canât freeze. I canât be a deer in headlights. I got to get up and go to school every day and sit at the breakfast table and engage with these people. And so it really struck me, particularly when I was writing the book, just how many systems of power the body is navigating on any given day. And listen, the body knows where it resides in the pecking order. Like it knows that Iâm not the one.
at the top of the food chain. And so this reflexive thing of like, well, you hold the power. I need to make sure youâre happy in order for me to be safe and the body will always privilege safety and survival. Right? So all these historical ways that weâve talked about some of these behaviors like, well, know, Kimberly just raised your self-esteem or smile or donât smile. Right? Itâs like you could get either side of the equation.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (06:22.02)
Five.
Yes.
Ingrid (06:37.026)
telling you to just do all of these things that maybe seem so obvious and yet they were not available to us. And this is where the shame comes in. Itâs like, you know, well, how could you stay in that relationship or how could you smile when they were being so aggressive or how could you this? How could you that? you know, shame is a deep symptom.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (06:45.264)
Yeah
Ingrid (06:59.09)
of complex trauma, but you can see why too. goes hand in hand with the Fawn response that in order to keep yourself safe often and not knowingly, sometimes you have a sense of it, but often not knowing, there is this level of self abandonment, of betrayal. We know that I canât respond to all of my values or all of whatâs going to sort of honor who I am. I have to privilege this one piece first and it comes at a cost.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (07:15.186)
Right.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (07:27.268)
Yes. Well, you know what it feels like Ingrid as youâre describing it and I can recall this. am feeling it and just trying to really process this trauma, which is obviously still stored somewhere in me is this feeling of being deeply misunderstood because when the Imam was saying, well, donât smile like I was doing something wrong. It was like, wait, I didnât ask for this attention and I donât want this attention and Iâm actually uncomfortable and I donât know what to do.
Ingrid (07:32.78)
Mm.
Ingrid (07:42.199)
Yes.
Ingrid (07:46.211)
Yeah.
Ingrid (07:53.996)
Yes.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (07:54.052)
And so itâs just feeling like no one else is looking after me, misunderstood on our like kind of on our own, like this feeling of aloneness, abandonment, you know?
Ingrid (07:57.592)
Mmm.
Ingrid (08:03.032)
Thatâs right. I think that thatâs real, right? That youâre not really seen for being a whole person. And there tends to be this sort of hyper independence that develops alongside a chronic fawn response for that reason. Itâs like, weâre never really fully or wholly seen by anybody else. Itâs like, Iâm the only one who has my back. So I have to sort of react accordingly.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (08:19.932)
Weâll
Ingrid (08:29.59)
in the world. And thereâs a real sadness even as you talk about it right now. think thereâs such a heartbreak there that in order to keep yourself safe, you had to prioritize these men and how they were sort of looking at you. And often with fawning, itâs sort of like, donât like you, but I need you to like me in order to stay safe. Or maybe if you do like me, you wonât hurt me. And when your body has a sense that youâre being sort of pursued or
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (08:51.6)
Bye.
Ingrid (08:56.974)
and you donât really feel safe, like youâre still a child and youâre an old man and you know, itâs like, yeah, itâs a lot. Itâs a lot to hold. Itâs like you said,
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (09:08.07)
Well, Ingrid, you I think like your experiences and my experiences, I imagine a lot of women listening to this would be like, wait, I wasnât actually sexually assaulted. No one actually, you know, did something physical, but there was uncomfortability. Can you share a little bit about, you know, what happened with your stepdad where he was, you know, having you sit on his lap in the hot tub or going to Vegas and he didnât actually physically assault you, but there was a lot of uncomfortability.
Ingrid (09:14.029)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Ingrid (09:23.032)
Yeah.
Ingrid (09:27.342)
Mm-hmm.
Ingrid (09:36.397)
Yeah. Yeah. I think itâs very common that a lot of us, and this is based on sort of the old idea of trauma by definition, we looked at it as though a certain event entitled you to use that word. And those events tended to be very clear and obvious and everyone would agree, right? Itâs a vet coming back from war time. Itâs a car crash. Itâs sexual assault.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (09:37.532)
that went on for years.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (09:52.412)
Right.
Ingrid (10:01.347)
things along those lines. And so a lot of us now, itâs like we have this trauma measuring stick thatâs like, well, mine wasnât that bad, right? And when we do that, unfortunately, we say, well, now Iâve been, Iâm not allowed, I canât avail myself of all of these tools of trauma healing that would actually be the thing that would help me, right? And so
A part of what Iâm hoping to do is also just educate people on complex trauma generally. Complex trauma is relational trauma. Itâs ongoing experiences of threat over time. And it might not be this overt thing that everyone could name. It might be your parents, whether it was culturally or they were doing the best that they could, or maybe thereâs generational trauma, but you were left feeling invalidated, like chronically invalidated or unseen.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (10:36.741)
Right.
Ingrid (10:49.455)
over time, this buildup, this residue, the body learns like, oh, I canât be my full self. Oh, itâs not safe to be me. And this sort of, know, fawning looks like this masking element of like, well, who do you need me to be in order to be included and seen and valued? And I think, yeah, this misconception of like trauma looks a certain way. It kept me on the outside for a long time, even knowing my own story, because similarly, like you said,
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (11:12.914)
Right.
Ingrid (11:19.531)
My stepdad didnât like overtly sexually assault me. He was grooming me for years and it started with these, you know, seemingly innocuous, but my body felt that it was not innocuous of, you know, come on over here and sit on my lap and Iâm glad we can be this close. And I knew in those moments that I wasnât safe, but Iâm also sort of clocking like, would anyone else think this was bad? Like heâs
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (11:46.757)
Right.
Ingrid (11:47.501)
Heâs my stepdad and heâs being nice and heâs not always nice and I like it better when heâs nice. And so Iâm also leaning into that. I knew I couldnât embarrass him. I knew that I couldnât push back. I knew that he had another side to him where he really could steamroll me. He could be a rager.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (12:04.402)
What about your mom? You couldnât go to your mom.
Ingrid (12:07.565)
I couldnât go to my mom in part because I saw her disappear as he came into our lives. It was like she just was in his shadow, wouldnât say anything unless sheâd heard him literally say it before. I say in the book that it was like my mom went missing even when she was standing right in front of me. It was just she was not there.
Ultimately, I did do the things that weâre all told to do as though weâre all entitled to having a voice and standing up for ourselves and setting healthy boundaries as though itâs that easy. I did attempt to do those things and it made things a lot worse because now I had a stepfather who was grooming me, parading me around as a girlfriend and a mom who didnât believe me. They were like, youâre a liar. You made it all up. What are you talking about?
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (12:51.825)
Ugh.
Ingrid (12:59.339)
Again, a whole lot happened, but not a whole lot happened. Even when I turned to social services as a child, they were like, is it that bad? Right? And it sort of seemed like the collective, yeah, the collective response was like, well, no, itâs not that bad. Weâre not really going to intervene. Thereâs not much we can do. So my body learned along with the cultural conditioning of what trauma is that it wasnât that bad. know, this is normal.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (13:07.908)
Right, weâre questioned.
Ingrid (13:27.039)
And youâre not safe, essentially. If Iâm a nervous system perspective, I learned, boy, I am not relationally safe. The only thing I can do to be relationally safe is to go along with your narrative to a certain degree, donât push back, to swallow this deeper truth that never really got fully validated or metabolized. And ultimately what I now know is that kept me stuck for decades, right? It was like,
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (13:54.438)
Yeah.
Ingrid (13:55.435)
imprisoned in my own body in a way thatâs essentially what unmetabolized trauma really is, is that youâre stuck, youâre stuck. So understanding complex trauma and understanding the Fawn response, like I said, after decades, I sat on so many therapist couches, Iâve been sober for decades, Iâve done so much inner work, it wasnât like I wasnât trying, I got three degrees in psychology, right? It was like I did all of this to try to overcome
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (14:17.882)
Right. The wounded here. Yeah. Yes.
Ingrid (14:21.237)
Yes, this feeling of like, whatâs wrong with me? Iâm still broken. Why canât I have a healthy relationship? Why canât I really have this loving relationship with myself? And these were the lenses that allowed me to see myself differently, to access myself differently, and actually to finally heal.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (14:40.722)
Yes, and thereâs this whole amazing section in the book about that. But before we go in, Ingrid, and someoneâs listening to this, can you explain a little bit about the difference between fawning and people pleasing? Some signs of like, hey, you know, these are some real signs of the fawning. And also, part three, itâs this complex question is, what kind of patterns might you see in relationship where you havenât addressed fawning or what types of
Ingrid (14:53.432)
Yeah.
Ingrid (15:05.966)
Mm-hmm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (15:09.074)
people might you attract if youâre in that fawning trauma cycle. So signs, difference with people pleasing and relationships.
Ingrid (15:13.751)
Yeah, so great questions.
Ingrid (15:18.383)
So for me, I think both actually people pleasing and the language of codependency, these were our best attempts to name something that is real, right? With whatever information we had at the time. But.
the problem that I can have with some of these terms is that they sort of place the problem as it were in an individualâs body as though it just originated out of thin air for no reason, as though itâs a problem that they possess that they need to fix and solve. And to me, the Fawn response, I see it as sort of the engine of these behaviors. Itâs the why, right? Thatâs what has gone.
missing this notion that we are relational beings, we are hardwired, we co-regulate, we cohabitate, we literally need one another. So to divorce this notion of needing one another and our dependency, our literal dependency on one another is really shaming and blaming.
First of all, to the caregivers, itâs like we go here, hereâs the emotional load, do all the heavy lifting. And then when they do it, we go, whatâs wrong with you? Why canât you take care of yourself? Right? Thereâs this crazy double bind. so fawning to me is the heartbeat of these behaviors that allowed me to go, thatâs why Iâm privileging.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (16:31.1)
Yeah.
Ingrid (16:44.917)
external validation or your opinion of me or Iâm wondering why youâre mad at me. Itâs why Iâm so hypervigilant because my entire sense of safety in the world was built on needing to prioritize what was happening outside my body in order to keep my body safe. I had to be divorced from my internal sense of safety and orient to your need first and then come back to me. go, my gosh, that makes perfect sense. And the second thing that
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (16:49.722)
Yeah.
Ingrid (17:14.209)
I think the fawn response tends to that people pleasing and codependency have not historically is the context that I am not just a dysfunctional person. My body adapted, I think in a very genius way to a deeply dysfunctional environment or context. And again, itâs the piece where I go, my gosh, okay, now it makes sense that I was doing this, right? Itâs not just because I love toâŚ
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (17:34.651)
Yeah.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (17:41.286)
Yeah,
Ingrid (17:42.893)
Iâm obsessed with control, right? Itâs like, no, I was obsessed with safety. I was obsessed with the feeling that I could exist in the world. And now I understand why. So to me, thatâs the sort of, itâs like, we know more now. These terms arose before we understood trauma at all. And they were also steeped in this sort of disease model, which I think we just know better now. Letâs do better. Letâs help people understand where theseâŚ
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (17:44.859)
Wait!
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (17:50.63)
Yes.
Ingrid (18:09.913)
these behaviors came from. And so some of the common signs and symptoms then are if I canât have a voice because it makes it worse, right? It puts me as more of a target and maybe youâre gonna come for me. Well, weâre conflict avoidant, right? So a lot of chronic fauners have kind of lost access to a healthy fight response, which is all these things that weâre told to just go and do, right? Set a healthy boundary. Well,
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (18:20.347)
Yeah.
Ingrid (18:34.849)
setting a boundary might mean that Iâm really going to get steamrolled. Saying a no might mean, now youâre really going to come for me. And so the body learned time and time again, like, no, no, no, no, itâs safer not to push back, right? Itâs safer. But ultimately, what happened for me and what happens for a lot of my clients is like the FON response is almost 10 steps out ahead of you, like a perpetual protector or a shield. And itâs,
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (18:41.692)
Right.
Ingrid (19:01.769)
acting, even environments that might be perfectly safe, but the body goes, Iâm not going to risk it. This is my way to safety. This is how I show up in the world. We tend to be conflict avoidant. We tend to prioritize everyone elseâs needs, our own. think even this idea where we started the podcast of like, your trauma matters, but mine doesnât really. Thatâs also kind of a common sort of fawning response. Itâs like, youâre entitled to have
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (19:08.166)
Well, yeah.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (19:20.7)
Yes.
Ingrid (19:31.533)
your story and experience and you should have all the resources, but mine donât really matter that much. What else? Yes. Yes.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (19:37.083)
Yeah.
So gets swung down over again, like for decades it took you, I think in the book you said it was 30 years, you know, for you to really sort of unpack that. thereâs just, feels at least, you know, in my experience with myself, it feels like thereâs all these different energies wrapped in. Itâs sort of like that shame as guilty, should I have been doing that? Like, should I have been doing something else? But then fear, I didnât know what else to do. And then this.
Ingrid (19:46.358)
Ugh.
Ingrid (19:51.214)
Yeah.
Ingrid (19:58.926)
Yeah.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Right.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (20:09.02)
hollowness in my throat or you canât really express yourself. And, you know, it affects relationships for a long time, I think, until you can actually find center. Obviously, you when we we heal ourselves, we find that centeredness and compassion. Everything around us changes. But, you know, like you said, sometimes we donât hear about this for a long time, or we donât have tools for a while. So it does go on. Itâs pervasive.
Ingrid (20:11.119)
Mmm, yep.
Ingrid (20:29.624)
Yeah.
Ingrid (20:36.621)
Well, look what the bind is, right? Because when you say center yourself to me, what that means is you start to grow a sense of internal safety, right? Which is that all my safety doesnât reside outside of my body. But when your whole life has been built on this very foundation that your sense of safety resides outside of your own body, just telling someone to like center themselves, and it doesnât make any sense. Itâs like, what are you even talking about? Of course, logically, we go, well, I do love myself, right? Like,
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (20:43.408)
Yes.
Ingrid (21:05.591)
Itâs not about these ideas that make sense. Itâs about a felt sense. Itâs a nervous system experience of, donât care what you say and how you say it, my body is not safe in the world. And so we have to start from a place where we acknowledge someoneâs lack of internal safety and go, yep, thatâs where weâre starting. Iâm not pretending like you have all this access, youâre just not using it.
Itâs youâve never had the experience of really feeling autonomous, of feeling maybe like an adult, you know? This language that so many of us use, like you can see now with all this gray hair, Iâm in my 50s, but half of the time I go, my God,
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