Breaking Free from the Cage of Ambition and the Relentless Pursuit of More with Keren Eldad [Episode #990]
This Week’s Episode Special Guest: Keren Eldad
Kimberly interviews Keren Eldad (Coach Keren) about her new book, ‘Gilded: Breaking Free from the Cage of Ambition, Perfectionism and the Relentless Pursuit of More.’ They explore themes of emotional well-being, the societal pressures of ambition, and the journey towards personal fulfillment. Keren shares her insights on the emotional needs that drive human behavior, the importance of spirituality, and the influence of Kabbalah on her philosophy. The discussion emphasizes the need to break free from the hustle culture and find a more authentic path to success and happiness. In this conversation, Coach Keren and Kimberly also explore the themes of ego, anger, boundaries, career reconfiguration, authenticity, and personal growth. They discuss how understanding the ego as an opponent can help individuals improve themselves, the importance of breaking up with anger, and the necessity of setting boundaries to honor oneself. They also delve into the evolving nature of purpose and the significance of authenticity in personal and professional life. The discussion emphasizes the idea that true growth often requires breaking free from societal expectations and self-imposed limitations.
About Keren Eldad
A thought leader in the coaching world, Keren Eldad (“Coach Keren”) specializes in taking high achievers out of the futility of constant pursuit and into the greatest levels of success and fulfillment. Her coaching clients include Olympic athletes, politicians, Hollywood stars, supermodels, Special Forces operatives and serial entrepreneurs, as well as renowned global organizations such as Estée Lauder, J.P. Morgan, and Nike…
She is also the founder of THE CLUB, a community of leaders, entrepreneurs and coaches who encourage and support each other to reach their fullest potential and make their greatest contribution.
Recognized as a Top Ten Executive Coach by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), Real Leaders Magazine, & Goop, Keren maintains gold-standard coaching credentials on top of her advanced academic degrees from The London School of Economics and the University of Jerusalem. She is also a former C-suite executive, who has lived and worked in 17 countries and on four continents, and now coaches leaders all around the globe in four languages: English, Spanish, Hebrew and French. With half a million views on her TEDx talks, and speaking engagements all over the world, Keren’s message seems to transcend borders. She hopes it resonates with you.
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Guest Resources
Book: Gilded: Breaking Free from the Cage of Ambition, Perfectionism, and the Relentless Pursuit of More
Website: https://kereneldad.com/
Social Media
Instagram: @coachkeren
Episode Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Gilded and Its Themes
02:49 The Golden Cage of Ambition and Perfectionism
05:58 The Illusion of Success and Fulfillment
08:50 Emotional Needs and Their Impact on Well-Being
12:04 The 12 Steps to Overcoming the Hustle
14:56 The Role of Spirituality in Personal Growth
17:52 Kabbalah and Its Influence on Philosophy
24:57 Understanding the Ego as an Opponent
26:26 Breaking Up with Anger
28:48 Navigating Boundaries and Self-Honoring
36:15 Reconfiguring Career and Purpose
38:34 Authenticity as a Power
43:38 The Trojan Horse of Personal Growth
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- Radical Beauty
- Recipes For Your Perfectly Imperfect Life
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Transcript:
Kimberly Snyder (00:00.857)
Hi everyone and welcome back to our Monday Interview Show. I am so excited for our very special guest here with us today. Her name is Karen Eldag and she has a new book out called Gilded, Breaking Free from the Cage of Ambition, Perfectionism and the Relentless Pursuit of More. Karen, as I said in the subtitle, I started to get goosebumps.
Coach Keren Eldad (00:22.552)
Mm.
Kimberly Snyder (00:27.481)
Karen is a top 10 executive coach by the International Coaching Federation, Real Leaders Magazine, and Goop. She has degrees from all around the world, the London School of Economics, the University of Jerusalem. She has lived and worked on 17 countries and on four continents. She coaches leaders all around the world. She speaks four languages, English, Spanish, Hebrew, and French.
Wow, Karen, thank you so much for being here with us today and congratulations on your new book.
Coach Keren Eldad (01:02.35)
Thank you so much. The pleasure and the honor is mine.
Kimberly Snyder (01:06.455)
You know, one of our cornerstones here, Karen, is emotional well-being. And when your book came across my desk and I started to dive in, I thought how perfect and how much it would resonate with so many of our audience members, because we get a lot of questions about burnout and, you know, as you say here, more and always just feeling like we’re never doing enough in our life. We can never just sort of feel that centeredness.
So I feel like your topic is really, you know, one that resonates with a lot of people right now. As a coach or in your personal life, what drew you to this subject matter to focus on for your very first book?
Coach Keren Eldad (01:49.944)
Well, like most teachers, I teach what I myself had to learn. And in my case, it was. Yeah, I mean, we are teachers. We are teachers. You’re a remarkable teacher. I’ve admired you for so long. And I think that all of us are teaching the same thing. We’re teaching people to take the journey from the head to the heart. That little bio, it’s mad impressive, right? my God, Karen, four languages, 17 countries. You must be remarkable. And you know what? I am.
Kimberly Snyder (01:55.755)
Yes, wounded healer.
Kimberly Snyder (02:08.983)
Yes.
Coach Keren Eldad (02:20.024)
but none of it matters. For my mental health to actually start to take precedent, for my happiness to actually start to move to the forefront, I had to get over that. That’s not actually what I used as an asset. It’s what I had to overcome in order for those patterns to move to the background and for me to not bump into a crash, I mean, into walls anymore. This is the big correction of most of the superstars who are listening right now. Whether you identify as an overachiever or you identify as a regular person, for the record,
Kimberly Snyder (02:40.258)
you
Coach Keren Eldad (02:49.664)
I never really thought of myself as an overachiever because I’m quite lazy by nature. I’m very slow paced by nature. Other people have a hugely impressive productivity pace. We were talking right before this session about your eighth book in 11 years. I tell you something, just thinking about that makes me want to go to sleep because this is my first book and it’s been two months and I just, I really just want to go back to my bedroom and go to sleep. But whether we identify as overachievers or not, all of us are susceptible to a society that’s telling us to get more.
get more, get more, work harder, do more, be more accomplished. And this is so exhausting and such an awful way to live that ultimately I wrote Gilded as an analogy, as a metaphor for the golden cage that we all find ourselves trapped in by our own success, by our own ambition, a trap of overwhelm. And I hope that it helps people to take the same 12 steps I took and the same 12 steps I teach my clients to take to get out of there.
Kimberly Snyder (03:30.585)
Mm.
Kimberly Snyder (03:36.205)
Yes.
Coach Keren Eldad (03:48.834)
and to get from their brain back to their body, to their heart.
Kimberly Snyder (03:50.009)
So beautifully said, and I love how you connect this work to Heart-Led Living, which is really about this expansive true self where we can really feel that truth of who we are without having to have a long list of achievements. So I resonate with everything you say, especially the part about society. So two things came to mind when you were speaking, Karen, in my
personal journey. So first of all, I was an overachiever. I am a perfectionist. So I really resonated with your book and, you know, correlating doing enough with love, with validation, with worth. I went backpacking for three years around the world. That’s sort of where I started to break my mindset. And when I came back, very, a lot of Israelis, especially in India and Thailand, this is back in the day when Koh Phan Yang was like unpaved. This is over 15 years ago.
Coach Keren Eldad (04:35.35)
must have met a lot of Israelis.
Kimberly Snyder (04:47.479)
So the first thing is when I came back here and I started a free blog and it wasn’t my intention, but I got pulled into Hollywood. I started to work with these big celebrities and to this day, I’m not a screen person so I don’t watch movies or TV shows. So sometimes I would ask myself, huh, this is interesting. I wonder why my life turned out this way. But one of the biggest learnings was I could see how much society sort of, you know,
Coach Keren Eldad (04:55.48)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (05:13.089)
just idolized this idea of fame and money and, everybody thinks this person’s so beautiful. And being in the inner circles, I could see how much suffering there was, a lot of isolation, insecurities exacerbated, millions of people are looking. So I remember thinking, and again, this is over 15 years ago now, society has it wrong. This is not, when we get there,
Coach Keren Eldad (05:39.192)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (05:42.593)
This is not it. And there’s this quote in your book upfront, and I don’t want to, I think you actually have all your, I think you actually have to have all your dreams come true to realize they’re the wrong dreams. You quote, Matthew Perry at the beginning of the book. So that was the first thing was like, I remember I was early on and I was still striving, but I was like, wow, this is interesting because these people have all the money and all the fame and they’re, you know,
Coach Keren Eldad (05:47.689)
Matthew Perry quote.
Coach Keren Eldad (05:56.654)
May you rest in peace.
Kimberly Snyder (06:09.857)
I don’t want to generalize, they’re having the same struggles as all the rest of us. Yeah, exacerbated. Everyone’s watching them.
Coach Keren Eldad (06:14.68)
That’s right. And even worse actually. Magnified, exactly. I went to see Brett Goldstein, who is one of the writers of Ted Lasso and one of the actors in Ted Lasso and the writer of another great huge TV show at the moment. And he did a stand up performance here in Austin last year. My husband and I went to see him.
And Innity said, I thought that when I broke through in Hollywood, I would find this amazing nirvana where everybody was having an amazing time and all I found were closed rooms where people were anxious and always smoking. And I had the exact same thing too, except it was different. I broke into something different, which is the high echelons of the intellectual class, essentially the boardrooms and the government societies.
Kimberly Snyder (06:47.245)
Wait.
Kimberly Snyder (07:00.697)
Great.
Coach Keren Eldad (07:00.992)
when I was very, very young and I found exactly what you found in Hollywood, people who technically had it all and were giant balls of nerves. And then I started to ask myself, because I also became one of them, how did we end up here? Why is this such a phony baloney reward? Why is anybody falling for this? And most importantly, how do I get out? This was the beginning of the unraveling of my life, which as you know, I talk about in the book.
Kimberly Snyder (07:09.219)
What? Isn’t that interesting?
Coach Keren Eldad (07:28.504)
but also is the story that many of my clients follow through on. And it doesn’t have to be from exaltation to liberation. It doesn’t have to be so dramatic. It can just be, I’m living a life that is not right for me. I’m living a life that looks right for my parents, for my immigrant parents, just like you, for the life society wanted for me, and it’s not my life. How do I get to the other side? That’s pretty much the work.
Kimberly Snyder (07:51.897)
Back to from the headiness, the mind into the truth in our hearts. So the second thing I wanted to share with you, Karen, so that was at the beginning of my career, but I was still striving and still, you know, kind of obsessed with book sales and just looking at, you know, I think to grow all these things. Fast forward to about a month ago, and I shared this on another podcast where I saw another author.
from my publishing house and I’m not on social media a lot, I do go on and answer comments. So I see some things. And so I saw this other author from my publishing house. Well, I’ve admired because she sells a ton of books. She has an enormous podcast, but I saw her from where I am right now, Karen. And I just saw her really like, just so animated, but just so much efforting. felt like doing this.
social media posts to get attention and like, you know, it resonates with the masses. Like there’s a lot of people that like that and great for her. Like she’s, you know, doing, you know, she’s in her path and she’s successful. But I had this very clear feeling, Karen, and it was, I don’t want that. You know, whereas in the past I’d be like, amazing what she’s selling. means I should could sell like this and she could have this many downloads and all this stuff. And I said, wow, all this hard work.
has an introspection, which I know is a big part of your book as well, has led me to this place where I can honestly say, I’m so content with just having spaciousness and peace and being in nature and having created a really, you know, such deep love in my family life and my day-to-day living. And this feels good. But from decades of that chasing, and as you say in your subtitle, this ambition, this perfectionism, you know.
It really is possible. And I love that you’re teaching that and coaching that as well, because so for a long time, you know, I think I would have read this and been like, my gosh, like, I really want that. So I’m here to say, you know, this resonates, this is possible. And we need to talk about this because if anyone out there is feeling that lack of fulfillment, you can get to a place where you can feel so much more aligned with your life.
Coach Keren Eldad (09:56.323)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Coach Keren Eldad (10:06.114)
Yeah, I’d love to help people get there. That’s the whole job. I think I too have found nirvana. Not just because I’ve come to terms with my lazy energy, my natural desire to be in bed half of the time, but also because the hustle is antithetical to my soul. I dislike it very much. I don’t naturally move fast or break things. I have a lot of energy for…
things that I truly love, but I don’t want to do things that are inauthentic to my soul or inorganic. I don’t like the sales game. I don’t particularly like taking score. I don’t think that’s actually natural to me. And I only realized this and started to play my own game by crashing and burning on the first one. Maybe you had a different experience, though I’ve listened to you, I’ve heard you speak several times. I think you also first got basically turned off of the first experience.
Kimberly Snyder (10:51.822)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (11:01.688)
Yes.
Coach Keren Eldad (11:01.898)
Saw on your flesh and saw not only in others but on your own on your own self how this ends up and then made the conscious decision to graduate past that and Like I like you I also watched the others and I think God bless them if they have the energy and if that’s where they are karmically That’s awesome. Go get it But I will play a different game and it turns out that this game works very very well, too My business is doing exceptionally. Well, so let’s talk to people about that
Kimberly Snyder (11:27.641)
Mmm.
Coach Keren Eldad (11:30.232)
how to identify that they’re in the wrong energy and how to get to energy that’s probably gonna help them a little bit more in their life.
Kimberly Snyder (11:36.473)
Beautiful. And I love how you phrase that there’s a different way. And it’s not saying right or wrong, you know, this person shouldn’t be doing this. It’s just saying, you know, if it doesn’t feel like I’m, know, someone’s life is fully aligned, there is a different way and we can still rise up to much success. And I’ve experienced that too, Karen. You know, now when I, when I’m not trying, like trying so much effort and you know, things grow and my brand grows and
Coach Keren Eldad (11:54.531)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (12:04.537)
The books naturally get out there without always kind of like, you know, the horse that’s like looking to the sides and, you know, I should be doing what this person’s doing. I should be doing more. So I like how on page 42 in the book, you talk about the six emotional needs, back to emotional wellbeing, one of our cornerstones, certainty, significance, uncertainty, love and connection, progress and growth, and contributing beyond yourself.
Are these six attributes, how did you come up with this list? Is it something you found in research or something that you found in working with clients?
Coach Keren Eldad (12:39.404)
Yes, in research. Yes. This is not my idea. This is a Jungian idea that has been elaborated upon even by Tony Robbins. But essentially, the system is like this. We all have six human emotional needs. These are not Maslov needs. These are not survival needs. So it’s not your need for a roof over your head and water and air and shelter. This is the needs for you to feel emotionally safe. The bottom two are usually running the show for most people.
Kimberly Snyder (12:55.833)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (13:03.437)
Mm.
Coach Keren Eldad (13:06.818)
When people are running from the head or what we’re talking about from the head produces hustle and ambition and struggle, usually they’re over-exacerating the bottom two needs. And these are the needs for certainty. This is the need to know that we are safe, that our marriage is safe, that our work is safe, and that we will not be eaten by a tiger. The second is the need for significance. It’s the need to know that we are seen, that the world is buying our books and that everybody likes us on Instagram.
Kimberly Snyder (13:34.617)
Right.
Coach Keren Eldad (13:34.894)
Now both of these are a giant trap because they’re actually fear. They’re not needs, they’re terror. The second one, significance, is a fear of being unloved, of being rejected, of being thrown away. The bottom one is the terror of loss, its loss aversion exacerbated. So if those two are the ones you’re dialing the most, you can’t even feel the next four. Uncertainty, your need for variety, your need for problems. Love and connection.
Kimberly Snyder (13:57.656)
Right.
Coach Keren Eldad (14:02.446)
No one who wants certainty wants real love because real love is real scary. Nobody who wants real significance, who wants their likes to go up can actually tolerate growth. In other words, can tolerate risk. And finally, the need for contribution beyond the self. This one, this one always makes me laugh, Kim, because I coach teams, I coach executive teams, and I coach the leaders of those executive teams. And they almost always invariably tell me, Karen, I live for other people.
Kimberly Snyder (14:16.203)
Right.
Coach Keren Eldad (14:29.344)
It’s what I am. I just live my life in service. And I’m like, first of all, I’ve assessed you. No, you don’t. And secondly, even when you do do a really nice thing, you want credit for it. You want a big plaque that says, Jim did this. So that’s really not contribution beyond the self. Contribution beyond the self is like our real energy. Our real energy doesn’t shout, it whispers. It’s knowing. It’s calm.
Kimberly Snyder (14:54.349)
Beautiful, beautiful.
Coach Keren Eldad (14:56.566)
And so what my book is designed to do is to help you actually make that switch. It’s to help you start identifying how much you’re over protecting low level bogus needs and how much you’re sacrificing growth and love the best things in life so that you can make the switch and start playing for those instead. Thank you for calling that out. That’s my favorite part of the book.
Kimberly Snyder (15:15.021)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (15:18.777)
It is one of mine. You can see I folded it down. And it’s interesting how it aligns with what you said earlier, because when you’re talking about certainty and fear, you know, from a yogic, Vedic perspective, those can be, you know, sort of imbalances in your Mooladhara, your root chakra. And so you can muscle your way through, like you said, and still create success and abundance. But if you start to really ground that into a deep center,
Coach Keren Eldad (15:21.272)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (15:48.493)
then the energy rises and the Kundalini and the Shakti, right? You can create abundance as well, but in a much more easeful way, like you said, playing a different, totally different approach.
Coach Keren Eldad (15:51.949)
Yes.
Coach Keren Eldad (15:57.368)
Yes.
A totally different game. By the way, what I define as real success, I think that’s when you are repressing. It’s not real success. You’re just manifesting money. But money without fulfillment. Money that needs to be maintained all the time. Money that needs to be worried about all the time. I don’t want it. That’s like telling me that I have a husband and I now need to look over my shoulder and check his phone all the time. Excuse me, I don’t want that relationship. I would really like a love that is infinite and abundance that is infinite.
Kimberly Snyder (16:10.361)
Mmmmm
Kimberly Snyder (16:22.357)
gosh. Yeah.
Coach Keren Eldad (16:28.802)
And the only way to get to that is to fully align that energy.
Kimberly Snyder (16:34.937)
So how, how do we do that in your system, Karen? I noticed, and I appreciate that there’s these really great chapter summaries. There’s a lot of intro-spection, which I think is really powerful for a step and first of all, being aware. So yeah, tell us a little bit about, know your whole book is about this essentially, but just from moving from point A to someone’s listening, wow, I have that fear. I have a fear I’m to lose my job, my relationship.
Coach Keren Eldad (17:03.245)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (17:04.664)
I’m always terrified about paying the rent. How do we move to that infinite place of abundance, which feels so alluring.
Coach Keren Eldad (17:12.888)
Well, I’m going to give you a couple of the steps, but first I want to say I’m like you, I’m a teacher at heart. So I present things in systems. This particular system follows the same structure as Alcoholics Anonymous. There are 12 steps in Alcoholics Anonymous. I wanted to call my book Workaholics Anonymous, also known as people who make too much effort for too little results. If you’re done with that, that is the first step. The first step is to admit that your attempts at a life that feels good to you are not.
Kimberly Snyder (17:23.416)
Mmm.
Coach Keren Eldad (17:42.518)
working. This is really hard to do because most of us think we’re very right and we’re doing all the right things and we’re doing quote unquote everything. I hear it all the time, I’m sure you do too. But you’re not. If it’s not yielding the results that you want, you must see that this is not working. And that admission is absolutely important. In Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s exactly the first step. The first step is admit that you do not have this under control because what do all addicts say?
Kimberly Snyder (17:43.353)
Hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (17:52.779)
Yes.
Coach Keren Eldad (18:11.114)
I can control this. I got this. I’m fine. Right? So you have to admit that there is a problem to begin with. And to admit that there is a problem does not necessarily mean that your results are off. By the way, like you said, some people do attain success and fame and they therefore don’t recognize there’s a problem. Watch your feelings. If you’re stressed out all the time, if you’re falling asleep to catastrophizing thoughts about the other shoe dropping,
Kimberly Snyder (18:15.362)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (18:26.413)
Sure.
Coach Keren Eldad (18:38.316)
and about losing love and about losing all your money and about the next deal being the last one, about how am gonna pay the rent? You are in an anxious cycle. Pay attention to aimlessness. Aimlessness means that you are doing all the things, but they don’t have any flavor. Pay attention to jealousy. Pay attention to resentment. Whenever we pay attention to these and we can admit that something is off, we can graduate to step two. The second thing.
Kimberly Snyder (18:47.161)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (18:55.405)
Hmm?
Kimberly Snyder (19:03.725)
When you say jealousy and resentment, you mean because we’re not feeling good, so we’re looking out.
Coach Keren Eldad (19:09.336)
You’re looking out, yeah. You’re scrolling endlessly and all
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