Navigating a Good Death for Ourselves and Loved Ones with Suzanne O’Brien [Episode 1001]
This Week’s Episode Special Guest: Suzanne O’Brien
Summary:
In this conversation, Suzanne O’Brien RN discusses the profound themes surrounding end of life, emphasizing the importance of forgiveness, acceptance, and living well. She shares her journey as a doula for the dying, the phases of dying with dignity, and the significance of community support for caregivers. The discussion also touches on cultural perspectives on death, empowering conversations about end of life, and the need for planning and voluntary choices. Ultimately, the conversation highlights the interconnectedness of life and death, encouraging listeners to embrace both with love and understanding.
About
Suzanne B. O’Brien, RN is and author and Founder & CEO of Doulagivers Institute. Her life’s mission is to increase access to high quality end of life education and care for patients and families throughout the world. She has developed free resources and trainings for family caregivers and practitioners from her firsthand experience as a hospice and oncology nurse and palliative care professional at the bedsides of more than 1,000 end of life patients.
Suzanne has been awarded “Worldwide Leader in Healthcare” by the International Nurses Association for creating Doulagivers Institute and was named Humanitarian Ambassador for Oprah Magazine in 2019 for her work to bring peace and comfort to those facing the end of life around the world. She has a degree in Transpersonal Counseling and Spiritual Ministry from the Association for the Integration of the Whole Person in Los Alamitos, California. She is also a founding member of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization’s End of Life Doula Council and a founding member and Former VP of the National End of Life Doula Alliance.
Guest Resources:
Website: Doulagivers Institute
Book: The Good Death: Supporting Your Loved One Through the End of Life
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Episode Chapters
00:00 Introduction to End of Life Care
02:47 The Journey to Hospice and Doula Work
05:58 Phases of Dying and the Importance of Forgiveness
08:55 Understanding Death Across All Ages
11:48 The Shift in Perspective on Death
15:02 The Spiritual Aspect of Dying
18:11 Practical Approaches to End of Life Planning
20:53 Living Well Aging Plans and Family Dynamics
26:58 The Burden of Caregiving
28:32 Quality of Life vs. Longevity
30:29 Living Wills and Quality of Life Decisions
32:46 Holistic Approaches to End-of-Life Care
34:35 The Essence of Life and Death
36:28 Lessons from the Dying
37:52 Choosing Love Over Fear
39:57 The Power of Presence and Service
41:44 Empowerment Through Knowledge
43:29 Voluntary Choices at End of Life
46:21 Dula Givers Institute and Community Support
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Transcript:
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (00:00.792)
Welcome back everyone to our Monday interview show. I am so excited for our very special guest here with us today, the lovely Suzanne O’Brien RN. She has this new book out, which I have read cover to cover and I’ll add it did make me cry. I parts, which we’ll talk about in just a little bit. It’s called The Good Death, a guide for supporting your loved one through the end of life. Suzanne is the founder and CEO of the Dula Givers Institute.
In 2019, she was named humanitarian ambassador for Oprah magazine for her work to bring peace and comfort to those facing the end of life around the world. Suzanne is also a founding member of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Network, organization of life doula council and a founding member and former vice president of the National End of Life Doula Alliance. Suzanne, thank you so much for being here with us today.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (00:46.631)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You got it.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (01:00.669)
Thank you for having me and I love the title of your podcast and everything you talk about because really when we talk about a good death, we’re talking about a good life. They’re not exclusive of one another. So I just want to invite people to have an open mind for this conversation. It’s not going to be depressing.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (01:09.518)
Yeah.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (01:15.798)
No, it’s certainly not. And thank you for pointing that out. I love how you talk about that in the book about this, you the beauty of life, but also the beauty of acceptance and non-resistance and death. And it’s interesting. So much was created in the wake of my mother’s somewhat abrupt passing, Suzanne, including saloon on my brands and getting serious about the feel good podcast, which is really to me feeling good is this natural connection.
that we have inside of ourselves. And it’s not dependent on trying to get things from the outside or validation, but just this natural birth rate I think we really have in our hearts and our ability to care for ourselves. And your book is so aligned with that. And yeah, I’d love to share, there were so many moments in your book that it brought me back to that time with my mother where I really was shocked. She passed six weeks after her diagnosis and…
My son wasn’t a year old and my older son, like all sorts of things were going on. and your book is so thorough and it really goes from all aspects into even the very practical. But before we jump into that, know, even reading your bio and as a registered nurse, seeing how you shifted and reading the book, it’s just interesting how, or what brought you specifically to focus on hospice care and.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (02:16.188)
Mm-hmm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (02:42.104)
being a doula for the dying and working through this aspect of life.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (02:47.643)
It chooses you. It chooses you. And I think you really started this conversation with exactly what I feel like we’ve learned about life is working with those at the end of life allowed me to immediately realize that we are a human and a being. There’s two parts to us. There’s the human experience that we go through this journey, all the life lessons, all of the experiences to grow for growth, for learning. And then there’s the being part of us. And when you said that the
happiness and the joy is not found outside. You’re right, it’s found inside with a connection to that being part, which is always at home, which is always at peace. And it’s like a muscle that you need to, you know, exercise and strengthen. But I think in our world today, we don’t even know about the two parts. We know about the ego part, we know about the separate part, and you can see the chaos that it’s leading to. So,
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (03:24.206)
Hmm.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (03:43.559)
To answer your question, I am a registered nurse by trade and I was six months out of nursing school in the mainstream hospital and I realized I will never get the fulfillment. This is awful. I had very little time with patients. It was about pushing medications, doing paperwork. The patient and the family were really sometimes the last in the discussion in the meetings. And I thought, what am I gonna do? I’m three years in, student loans, what am I gonna do? And I heard this little voice that said, to hospice.
And I said, why am I hearing that? I have no end of life experience. But when I heard that there was a piece, there was an excitement, there was an expansion. And I said, you know what? I’ve tried everything that people say. I followed all of the things that they said. And I said, I don’t know what this is, but I’m just gonna follow it and see. And the very first day I went out to see hospice patients, I knew I was in the exact place I was supposed to be in my life. And I also said, that’s how life works. Not what do I think I’m supposed to be doing, but where am I being guided? What do I know?
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (04:19.566)
and then.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (04:38.914)
Yes.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (04:42.678)
What a beautiful heart story, Suzanne. I love that and that clarity. I was reading this. We have these comic books of great figures and I was reading the one about Mother Teresa to my sons. And there was this moment when she was on the bus, or no, she was on a train and she heard a voice similarly to you saying, move to the slums. You were meant to move out of the convent and go there. And she was like, no other nun has gone there. Like, what do I do? But it’s that when we open up to that,
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (04:43.965)
Mmm.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (04:55.027)
Mm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (05:12.558)
that light, that intuition, whatever we want to call it, that voice, it does lead us to this life of great purpose and fulfillment, which clearly you have found so much purpose in your work, Suzanne.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (05:27.207)
And Kimberly, it’s so interesting because that day, you know, I had found it being in this end of life space. And if you had told me today that I wouldn’t be a bedside hospice nurse, I wouldn’t have believed you then. But because I knew that when this voice comes in, this is the higher guidance system. And I was always going to listen to it. And it’s just when you trust in that, when you follow your heart guidance, it will lead you on a journey that is not only fulfilled and full of purpose and service, but just
miracles big and small and joy and just the splendor of what’s available in this experience.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (05:58.402)
Yeah.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (06:02.038)
And you talk about these three phases of dying with dignity and having a good death, shock, stabilization and transition. And we could talk about these more, but what really stood out to me was how much in the stabilization phase you talked about forgiveness. And I was reading that and I was thinking, oh my gosh, how key. And there was a lot of exchanges between me and my mother when she was passing.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (06:06.994)
Mmm.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (06:12.647)
Mm-hmm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (06:30.018)
But also, Suzanne, back to living well, how important that is even when we’re not confronted with death, right? Instead of this big wake up call. Of course, for some, it’s going to come at that moment, but there’s lessons in here for, I think, just on the flip side, like living to that fullness in life.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (06:49.873)
Yeah, Kimberly, when people are at the end of life and they’re sharing with you what they want you to know about how to make life the best experience possible, they’re not trying to sell you anything. They don’t care if you take it or not. They’re just purely, it’s the wisdom. I immediately changed my life. mean, every day I live like one little lifetime, like knowing that time is my greatest commodity. I don’t miss the joyful moments, the connection, presence, but also forgiveness.
So when I saw the transformation at the end of life, and I really feel as people’s physical bodies are diminishing, their spiritual body’s growing, and you can see that things wanna be worked out with acceptance and processed before they leave if it’s possible, the profound transformations that I saw led to the most beautiful end of life with forgiveness. And I said, okay, I am making a list. I am thinking about what am I not addressing or what have I been carrying with me that I’m not even aware of? And I’m gonna forgive. And I will tell you, it-
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (07:15.566)
Mmm.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (07:44.421)
sets you free in a way to design and co-create your life with no limitations and with just the most beautiful energy possible. And so yeah, it changed my life completely.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (07:56.782)
Amazing. know, and I, there’s so much in your book where you talk about this, kind of this, I don’t say falsity, but this idea that we must prolong life as much as possible. And I remember with my own mother having to be faced with things like do not resuscitate, which I learned could break their bones and only extend life for a short amount of time. And, you know, there’s just so much,
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (07:58.002)
Hmm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (08:26.44)
reframing life. But this is, you know, it’s a little bit, not more clear, but we can say, okay, our elderly, our parents, and you talk about in the book how the statistics are going to skyrocket with the elderly ratio of the United States. But what about Suzanne? Surely you’ve worked with families where it’s people in their 20s, their 30s, their 40s, children, teenagers, right? Where it’s not the end of life. And it feels, there’s that other element of like, feel a little robbed, right?
Because it’s one thing to, if you’re dealing with an elderly parent, but to have that peace when you realize someone may have a terminal illness and they’re only 23 years old.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (09:05.116)
Yeah, absolutely. And I’ve had, you know, all ages. And I think that if I may, think that one of the main things that I’m always trying to say, okay, what is the ask, right, of the big picture for what I’m supposed to be doing here and teaching. I really believe it’s to remind people and have them remember that death used to be revered and is a sacred natural rite of passage.
And with the awareness of that, it opens us up to really, I feel like expanding like, well, what is life about and what are the important things? But to make sure that we’re not missing it. Cause the number one thing I hear from people at the end of life is I thought I had more time and the regrets. And it’s not what they did do so much as what they didn’t do. And even if you, and then if Kimberly, if I can go really high up in big vision about the gifts within.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (09:44.824)
What?
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (09:56.613)
every experience that we have and some do not look like gifts by any means. But when we have those, what I call the little masters, when there is somebody who’s having their end of life, I believe that there is teachings for all of us that are part of that, not just for the comfort, but just to come to place of acceptance. And I remember there was this one little girl and she was dying and she told everyone what exactly what she wanted them to do, how she wanted to be celebrated. She wanted them to dress in pink.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (10:19.118)
Thank you.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (10:25.703)
that she wanted them to sing songs. Like she was guiding all of them. It’s pretty amazing what you experience in this space or can.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (10:36.17)
Yes, and there’s this transcendence, right? And goes back to our personal beliefs. I personally believe this isn’t it and that we have, there’s life beyond and so there’s a higher plan. Sometimes we don’t understand it and that can, hell, mean, in the moment there’s so much pain, but kind of smooth over the unfairness aspect. it is, we can come to peace if we can believe it. In some way, somehow it’s someone’s time to go.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (10:45.469)
Mm-hmm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (11:04.618)
And I remember Suzanne with my mom, the moment my prayers changed from, you know, please heal her. She had this cancer diagnosis, seemingly out of nowhere. I was in February, like the day after my birthday, my parents called. We’d seen her at Christmas and only once did she say, I’m kind of tired. She just sort of held it in. And I was like, no, no, we can heal her. We could do this with the diet and da da. And then there was this moment. It was just something inside me realized and accepted and it switched to, you know, God, please grant her peace.
And it was such a big shift and acceptance and all these profound gifts did open up because I think, like you said, it’s the number one fear. have so much resistance and we want to hold on. And that’s not always the plan.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (11:50.099)
I think that goes back to the fact of us being human beings, right? The human part of us wants to kind of control the show, right? And then we also have a lot of things happening at the same time. We have doctors that are trained to fix it and they’re expected to fix it, which is an impossible goal that they have to meet. But we’re not even talking about this because the time to choose, and I’ll use myself as an example, what quality of life is to me and realizing that one day the journey will not be as I know it today.
allows me when I get there to already have a pathway for it, to already know, like for instance, I’m here with my parents, they’re both 86, God bless, and I’m so grateful that I have them. But there’s a level of gratitude and patience that I have with every minute that we’re together, because it’s a gift. And I know that one day that won’t be there. And so it won’t be such a shock and it won’t be me grasping and us grasping for different things because we talked about it.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (12:42.786)
Thank
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (12:45.479)
So what about again, bringing back the awareness that one day the journey will not be as I know it today so that when we get there, we hopefully don’t go down pathways and roads that we don’t want to that we know won’t reverse it, but could also be causing more suffering or even false hope for people. Yeah.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (13:01.186)
Right. And part of that is sort of just, let’s never talk about this. Like it’s taboo. Let’s like pretend we’re going to live forever.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (13:08.742)
Yeah.
That, yeah, and that doesn’t work. I mean, if anyone knows anything differently, I’ve never seen anyone, but I also know that I’ve seen the most beautiful things happen at the end of life. You’re literally at the veil. And I’ve had people share with me what they’re seeing, the peace that they’re seeing, the love and what I have felt in the room, and time disappears as you and I know it. There is no doubt.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (13:25.004)
Yes.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (13:30.519)
Huh.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (13:37.757)
that there is something so incredibly in my mind beautiful that’s gonna happen after because I’ve been with over a thousand people at the end of life. So what is this life about? What are we missing from that awareness and education and wisdom of end of life to make life as rich and beautiful and connected as possible?
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (13:56.408)
can only imagine Suzanne being with so many souls that have passed. For me, was only my mother, well, only, but I did have the gift of holding her in my arms as she passed. And then, my dad was near the window. And as you describe in the book, the breath just started to slow and then expire. But it was really profound moment where it didn’t feel like death. I felt like her energy just kind of like moved and forever.
I think of death very differently, just as a transition. I know she’s still somewhere.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (14:33.075)
Absolutely. Absolutely. like, you know, when we talk about cultures for thousands of years, knowing this and having this be a sacred ritual, you know, we’ve lost the ritual around it. We’ve lost the time thinking of bringing a baby into the world. Very similar in the same importance and sacredness as helping somebody to leave with love and with comfort. There were two times, Kimberly, in my journey that I literally saw someone leave their body, what I would say, leave their body.
You know, the things you see and what you feel, let you know that there’s so much more going on. And that to me is so healing and people the end of life talking about how we’re all connected to one unconditional loving energy. Yeah, it’s just, you know, we need to bring that education back, that awareness back to our world. And also we’re suffering from such traumatic grief as a collective, because we’re not talking about end of life, it shows up, it’s a shock.
usually doesn’t go that well because of scrambling and then people are stuck in this grief. We need to talk about this and it teaches us about life.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (15:40.578)
Well, you know, what was so clear to me, Suzanne, was when my prayer changed as I explained, it was about me. I was like, please heal her because I want her here. And then when it changed to let her have peace, it was like, this soul is ready to go. And they’re seeing amazing things and they’re at that veil. So I think what your book sort of reframes as well is stepping out of that Mimi, because let’s face it, a lot of the losses.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (15:48.765)
Mm-hmm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (16:09.102)
you know, we want to talk to that person and we miss having them around and there’s validity in that. And I feel that too. And there’s moments I was like, gosh, I can’t call my mom. But then when we expand into the oneness, into the eternalness, it’s like, the non-attachment comes in, which is such a profound lesson.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (16:12.635)
Of course. Of course.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (16:26.181)
It’s such a profound lesson what you just shared, you know, the grace in which you brought into this experience and the re focusing on her and the love that was there and how how may I show up to support her in this dynamic and it just changed.
all the frequency around everything. But I do honor you because when something shows up quickly, there’s a process, there’s a shock right now. And this is really one of my main platforms is to try and educate before we ever get there. Even children have their pets dying. so age appropriately, think one of the best things we could ever do is talk about the cycle of life with nature and animals and how we’re all connected.
because what we’re seeing right now is the removal of that and then the fear that has been ingrained in people that is unfortunately again preventing them from having these meaningful last chapters with their loved ones as they’re leaving the physical body, which is so important for us to be able to have if that’s what we can do.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (17:26.414)
What would you say to someone listening or watching this, Suzanne, if they’re like, oh, I want to know, but reading about this, I don’t want to manifest death. I don’t want to think about losing my mom or losing my dad or losing a loved one. What would you say about how on the flip side, this could actually be really empowering to have this information?
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (17:45.777)
Yeah. Yeah. So I would say that it’s not going to bring it on. It’s not talking about sex doesn’t make us pregnant. you know, talking about end of life doesn’t. But I will say this from a very, and you really talked about this, book being very practical in its education, but also sacred and spiritual as well. That the we’re all going to be called to show up to care for somebody at the end of life at some point in the journey, knowing how to do that.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (18:12.908)
Yeah.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (18:14.267)
knowing how to do that changes everything. And I also want to remind us that a hundred years ago, this was a skill that a grandmother used to teach to a grandchild. People died at home, they had home wakes. This is a holistic skill. This is not medical. And we’ve given over our end of life to the medical profession. First of all, they can’t fix it. They’re not supposed to, but it also allows us to not be able to be in that process with our loved one.
Knowing what my mom wants, where she wants to be, warm blankets, what kind of music, having those conversations, that’s something that I want to provide for her and it’s so healing and we can all do that. And you’re going to feel as much as it’s going to be difficult, and I know it is, when we say goodbye to that physical person, knowing that you were there, helping them to lead this world in comfort, you’re going to hold that in your heart for absolutely ever in the most beautiful way.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (18:45.838)
Mm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (19:02.232)
Yes.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (19:10.646)
You know, when I had this, every time I keep referencing your book to my experience because it comes from such direct knowing about this experience, Suzanne, like this, can feel your heart in this book and how, you know, how you’ve really been leading people through this. Cause I’m like, yes, I remember that moment. I remember that moment. And there was a time where my mom stopped speaking and I just said, Hey, squeeze your hand. If you can hear what I’m saying.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (19:20.317)
Mm-hmm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (19:37.482)
She squeezed and squeezed and she looked me in the eye and I had two hours to just tell her everything.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (19:47.165)
There’s a few things that I want to share with your listeners and with you now is that people, want to make sure that you understand people can hear you even when they’re in a deep sleep coma. But I want to take it a step further. People can hear you now. You know, if we think about quantum physics, right? And we talk about energy and they’re really finding out a lot in this world. But I always go with what is your heart saying, right? What is your gut saying? Energy cannot be destroyed. It has to be a solid, a liquid or a gas. Your loved one has changed for.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (19:56.109)
Hmm.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (19:59.66)
Yes.
Solluna By Kimberly Snyder (20:16.237)
Yes.
Suzanne B. O’Brien RN (20:16.591)
Your loved one is still around you. Maybe as Oprah says, and I have to give her a little bit of props here, she talks about when her birth mother died, she feels her now more loving and stronger in a relationship than she ever did. And I know that I have heard that from families as well, when their loved one has stopped breathing in the body and they’ve slowed down and taken time, hours, if not hopefully days,
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