Radiating the Feminine Woman You Were Born to be with Monica Yates [Episode #985]
This Week’s Episode:
In this episode Kimberly interviews Monica Yates, an industry-leading trauma healer and embodiment coach. She is the New York Times best-selling author of the new book Becoming Her and Founder/CEO of Monica Yates Health. Through somatic trauma healing and deep embodiment work, Monica has helped women overcome hyper-masculinity and reconnect with their feminine energy in a sustainable way, giving them everlasting expansion in all areas of their lives — business, love, family, health, and fertility.
Kimberly and Monica explore the pressures modern women face, the importance of embracing feminine qualities, and the impact of trauma on women’s ability to embody their true selves. Monica shares her personal journey of transformation and healing, emphasizing the need for women to give themselves permission to live authentically. The discussion also delves into the dynamics of polarity in relationships and how trauma can hinder women’s connection to their femininity. They also explore the dynamics of being a female breadwinner, and the importance of connecting with one’s essence through movement and self-acceptance. They discuss the need for women to embrace their feminine energy while navigating modern roles, and practical tools for self-discovery and healing.
About Monica Yates
Monica Yates is a renowned trauma healer, embodiment coach, and New York Times best selling author of Becoming You. With nearly a decade of experience, she has guided tens of thousands of women to shed their masculine armor, embrace their feminine energy, and align their lives with authenticity and purpose.
At the heart of Monica’s work lies her unique blend of somatic healing and embodiment practices to address trauma at its root. By integrating science-backed techniques with deep emotional exploration, she empowers clients to reconnect with their bodies, heal deeply held wounds, and create lasting change. Her philosophy emphasizes balancing feminine flow with masculine structure, fostering harmony across all areas of life.
Monica’s passion for healing is deeply personal. Growing up between Australia and New York City, she initially saw her childhood as idyllic but later recognized patterns of external validation, body image struggles, and unhealthy relationships as signs of unresolved trauma. This realization fueled her commitment to understanding trauma’s effects on the body and mind, equipping her to support others on their journeys.
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Guest Resources
Book: Becoming HER: Straight Talk for Healing, Embodying, and Radiating as Your Most Powerful Self
Podcast: Feminine as F*ck® podcast
Website: https://monicayateshealth.com/
Social: @monicayateshealth
Episode Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Transformation and Healing
03:03 The Pressure of Modern Womanhood
05:47 The Value of Feminine Qualities
08:57 Embracing Authentic Womanhood
12:01 Understanding Polarity in Relationships
14:51 The Impact of Trauma on Femininity
17:52 Healing Through Somatic Practices
22:51 Understanding Trauma and Its Impact
29:00 Navigating Feminine Energy and Breadwinner Dynamics
37:04 Connecting to Your Essence Through Movement
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KIMBERLY’S BOOKS
- Chilla Gorilla & Lanky Lemur Journey to the Heart
- The Beauty Detox Solution
- Beauty Detox Foods
- Beauty Detox Power
- Radical Beauty
- Recipes For Your Perfectly Imperfect Life
- You Are More Than You Think You Are
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Transcript:
Kimberly Snyder (00:01.176)
Hi loves, welcome back to our Monday interview show. I am so excited for our very special interview today with Monica Yates, who is a New York Times Best Selling author. She has a brand new book just out called Becoming Her, Straight Talk for Healing, Embodying and Radiating as Your Most Powerful Self. Monica is a renowned trauma healer committed to helping women achieve profound.
personal transformation. She helps women shed their masculine armor and align their lives with authenticity and purpose. These are powerful words, Monica. Thank you so much for being here today. I just got some goosebumps.
Monica Yates (00:39.293)
Thank you.
Thank you for having me. Yay! The energy is thriving already.
Kimberly Snyder (00:46.602)
Yes. Well, first of all, congratulations on writing this book. And I read it in bed and the book just flows through all these amazing topics. Before we dive in, tell us about your interest in this particular lens of dropping the masculine armor, what’s going on in the world today, why you’re so passionate about focusing on this.
Monica Yates (00:51.933)
Thank you.
Monica Yates (01:03.517)
Mmm.
Monica Yates (01:14.191)
Yeah, well, I think the main reason is and really the reason why I wrote this book is because I realized a lot of women just needed permission. They needed permission to be the version of themselves they want to be at the given season of life that they’re in versus thinking, I just have to fit into kind of this box of being the perfect woman who’s the girl boss and this and keeping an amazing sex life and has a
thriving social circle and just this kind of new pressure that’s been put on women where we feel like in order to be a good enough woman, we have to be ticking all these boxes. And you know, I just feel like Instagram has just exacerbated this issue where women are just tearing each other down because one woman doesn’t agree with how another woman is living her life. I mean, me getting into this work in particular was my own journey. used to be such, can I swear on this podcast? I forgot to ask you actually Kimberly.
Okay, great. used to be because we have an Australian in the house. I’m like, careful. I used to be such a cold hard bitch when I was younger. I was so masculine. I really thought that being like a cool girl meant being unemotional and being detached and just being masculine. I thought that by being, you know, a masculine woman, I was being a good feminist. And long story short, my journey with all of that and kind of
Kimberly Snyder (02:10.126)
You’re like.
Monica Yates (02:37.063)
the downfall of it all. had a really bad ski accident that forced me to then actually give up the control and my like hyper independence. And that really led me into this path of all the trauma healing and everything. And it was actually what really got me started was I lost my period for 18 months. And the only thing that got my period back was being in a relationship with a masculine man. He was like in a healthy way forcing me into my feminine.
And that’s when I was like, wait, I think there’s, cause I was trying all the herbs, all the things. And I was like, I think there’s something to being in your feminine that influences your physical health. And I mean, you could even relate to this, right? With like the heart math and everything. And so, you know, that’s just kind of in a different way. And so once I then actually started to drop into my feminine, then my period came back. And that’s what made my business take off eight years ago was I was helping all these women get their periods back, not from.
Kimberly Snyder (03:08.322)
Yes.
Monica Yates (03:33.223)
herbs or food or anything like that, but actually from getting into their feminine.
Kimberly Snyder (03:38.766)
Mm. And there really does feel like a connection between this feminine and the heart, as I talk about a lot, Monica, which is a lot of the ideas, the headiness, it’s very linear, it’s very rational. It can be over masculine, like this idea, like you said, I’m going to be the girl boss, I’m going to be this, I’m going to be that versus it’s not that we can’t achieve in our career, but softening into this really caring, compassionate, loving,
Monica Yates (03:44.401)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (04:02.108)
Right.
Kimberly Snyder (04:08.064)
intuitive part of us as well. Because when we get hardened, like you said, there can be a rigidity in our body, which can manifest in hormonal imbalances and disorders. So I love in the book how you straight away, and I love how you speak your mind, but you talk about girl boss and you said, Hey, I’m not a girl. I’m a woman. I’m a lady. Can you tell, talk a little bit about, cause it’s, it’s kind of complicated, right? We get all these different messages and you and I were chatting before the podcast.
Monica Yates (04:10.45)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (04:17.383)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (04:21.958)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (04:26.137)
Yes. Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (04:36.748)
And I said, I’m really grateful because I am a full-time mom. can honestly say I bring my kids to school, pick them up once they’re home, I’m with them. I bring them to activities, I cook dinner. And at the same time, I get to have a really full career because I have created that. work, you know, I write books at home. I run my business from home, the podcast, but there’s so many women that don’t get to do that, right? And so you see some women.
Monica Yates (05:00.497)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (05:02.242)
They have to be in the office making great strides in their career and maybe they’re feeling unfulfilled at home. And I know so many friends who are stay-at-home moms and they don’t feel like they get the respect that they want and they can feel isolated. And there was a survey, Monica, about stay-at-home moms having really high levels of chronic insomnia. So it’s complex.
Monica Yates (05:12.829)
Mmm.
Monica Yates (05:20.913)
Wow. Yeah, yeah. And I think the bottom line of it is that there is not an answer because we’re all so different, right? And that’s why I like to remind women that it’s about the season of your life. You’re allowed to want to be like one version of you at this age, but then decide, you know what, in this season of life, I really want to just enjoy being a state high mother. And my passion for this has really been, and it’s kind of…
Kimberly Snyder (05:38.926)
Okay.
Monica Yates (05:47.901)
gotten even bigger just with how social media has changed from when I first started writing the book. But really, the passion and the kind of oomph behind this is that I think that a lot of women, they tear other women down. And we see it like in the comment section on Instagram. They tear other women down for their individual choices. And what I want for women is I want them to feel like I can give myself permission.
to go and live the life that I want right now, whatever that looks like, right? And so for some women, they don’t wanna be a stay-at-home mom. Amazing, go have a career or do both. But for other women, like some of your friends, they want that and why are they getting less respect? And that’s where the devaluing of the feminine is really important to acknowledge. Like we devalue the kind of return on investment that we get from folding the laundry.
Kimberly Snyder (06:34.541)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (06:43.601)
whether it’s us folding the laundry, whether it’s our housekeeper, whether it’s our husband, we’ve devalued those more feminine, those kind of more traditional feminine qualities or practices because we see them as less than. it’s more than though, and it’s enough if you’re bringing home money. But if you’re just at home, quote unquote, folding the laundry, that’s not nearly as valuable. And we can both sit here and say that that’s absolutely bullshit. But I think the conversation needs to
be branched out to wider communities because too many women still think I’m not doing enough when I’m just at home.
Kimberly Snyder (07:21.208)
Well, it goes back to that doing versus being or the embodiment part of this, which is our worth is inherently this true self, this heart energy, this energy that’s us. And it manifests in different ways, but our society does pin, you know, title, salary amount. It’s like a linear. know, for me back in the day when I was obsessed with numbers, weight, you know, can get obsessed with calories.
Monica Yates (07:24.455)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (07:30.62)
Mm-hmm.
Monica Yates (07:41.276)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (07:48.027)
Yeah. Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (07:50.798)
reductionist approach versus this embodiment of, as Moses said, I am that I am, right? Confidence that comes from just existing.
Monica Yates (07:58.396)
right.
Yeah. And I love what you just said, Kimberly, about like the enoughness piece, because what I also talk about in the book is that women, so many women these days feel like being a woman isn’t inherently enough. We have to compete with men. And then we’re enough. If we are showing up like men, if we are achieving more than men, if we’re competing against them, it’s to prove this like enoughness. And my argument is, is if you truly
are embodied in your confidence and your security, you don’t need to prove anything to anybody. So the woman, for example, that’s like, I can hold open my own door. It’s like, he knows that you can hold open your own door. He’s not saying that you’re incompetent. The only person that’s now thinking that you’re incompetent of holding open the door is yourself. Because that’s where this need to prove your worth as a woman is coming from. It’s coming from insecurity.
Kimberly Snyder (08:50.211)
Mm.
Monica Yates (08:57.755)
And obviously the roots of that are not just your own personal trauma, but also like the societal conditioning that’s been put on women to feel like being a woman isn’t necessarily as good as a man. And that’s why I’m so big on why are we trying to be like men? We need to be women. Seriously though, I’m like, why are we trying to be like men? Because we will never be a man. So we are constantly gonna feel like we are failing, right? Versus.
let’s be women and then we will feel like we are being successful because we actually are in our own lane.
Kimberly Snyder (09:33.27)
You know, Monica, when we talk about the societal influence of this, it’s so deep rooted. And I think about places like India, right? And this amazing example of what you’re talking about is Rita Chopra. So she’s Deepak’s wife, who’s not out in the public at all. And when I wrote a book with Deepak a few years ago, I got to know her and she is so unapologetically the mother. Like I…
Monica Yates (10:02.397)
Hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (10:02.636)
raise the kids, I take care of the grandkids and there’s not even an ounce of like, I’m trying to be something I’m not. And they were both raised in India and in India there’s the divine feminine literally, right? Great mother, they can speak about aspects of the divine in this very feminine Lakshmi and Saraswati and Durga and it runs through in a very different way. Whereas in our culture, like you said, there’s this
Monica Yates (10:32.113)
Competitiveness. Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (10:32.16)
not enough to us, that’s really, really deep. And it’s just interesting when I was backpacking around the world in certain cultures, it’s really different. And so sometimes when we go outside and then we kind of say, hey, how can we reshape this now for us individuals and future generations?
Monica Yates (10:41.213)
It is.
Monica Yates (10:47.782)
Right.
Monica Yates (10:51.545)
Yeah, you know, even not to go down like the mothering tangent of what we were kind of speaking about before we clicked record, like even I’ve been having these conversations with clients because they’re like, like, do you not feel all this pressure and blah, blah, blah, like, how are going to do it all being a mom and like your thoughts around x, y and z. And I’m like, well, actually, I’ve read a lot of books about French parenting. And it was so expansive for me. I think that sometimes, you know,
not just here in the US, but I know Australia can do this well. We really just think like, the whole world is just this country when it’s not. we think that expansion doesn’t also lie in understanding other cultures. And when I read about even just like French parenting and the ways that the French raise kids and how French women are pregnant and how they go through that, I’m like, huh, like that was expansive. And so then to your point, like there is so much energetic expansion.
in looking at another culture. And it doesn’t mean that you have to go and then live like that culture fully, but it can give you some of that permission to realize, the way that all my friends around me or what I’m seeing on social media, it’s not the only way.
Kimberly Snyder (12:01.514)
Mm-mm. And another topic you talk about in the book, which I thought was really interesting, is this polarity. And the first time I heard about this was when I read David Dita’s book, Monica, a few years ago, Discovering Your Sexual Essence. And then you build on that and talk about how it’s like this scale when we’re really feminine. We really attract a masculine man and, you know, kind of, you know, can veer towards the middle as well.
Monica Yates (12:12.509)
Mmm.
Monica Yates (12:25.853)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (12:30.696)
And sometimes we look in the modern world where women are sort of armored up like you talk about, and then aren’t feeling that fulfillment in relationships. And then we get mixed messages and men get mixed messages about toxic masculinity and how they should be this way and they shouldn’t be this way. Can you talk a little bit about this polarity and what you talk about in the book, it’s important to be in our true essence?
Monica Yates (12:39.196)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (12:45.553)
Mm-hmm.
Monica Yates (12:56.911)
Yeah. So as a woman, if you want to be in a relationship where you feel like you can kind of switch your mind off and your man is leading you and directing you and ravishing you and just like this energy of I got you and then the opposite obviously exists. So men, any men listening, if you want to be with a woman that allows you to do that. this still this actually, you know, this polarity still exists even in same sex relationships. There’s going to be
feminine and masculine. They’ll often be a little bit more of a dance, like they’ll swap a little bit more between the two, but there’s still that feminine and masculine, right? Like one person is more in that receiving surrender energy, the other person is more in that directing and leading energy, and that’s what creates the chemistry. So, so many women are in this predicament these days where they’re in these relationships and they’re like, I am so unattractive to him. I feel like I have to mother him. I have to tell him what to do. I’m constantly nagging him.
Kimberly Snyder (13:23.926)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (13:49.699)
Yes.
Monica Yates (13:52.133)
We, you I do not feel ravished and adored and wanted. Like he loves me, but I like to say like being loved is great, but being wanted is better. Like there is no feeling like your partner being like, I physically need you. Right. And that energy comes from the polarity, but so many women, they come home from work, they’re in their masculine, they’re in their head. Their trauma also causes them to be in their masculine and in their head and not feel safe to let go of control. So then.
You know, they cognitively are like, yes, I want a man that leads. Yes, I want to date men that caught me. But then when it actually comes to it, they can’t do it. And it’s not because they don’t want to be able to do it. It’s because in their body viscerally, they don’t feel safe to let go of control to the masculine, which can be for so many different reasons, which we can unpack. But the polarity piece is what allows us to feel that sexual energy and that attraction that a lot of people are finding they’re lacking in their relationships.
They feel like they’re constantly butting heads or it’s more of like a roommate friendship vibe. And it’s not that polarized energy that they’re wanting. But you know, if you’re a woman that is heavily in her masculine, in your head, disconnected from your body, know, living this numbed out, living in this kind of numbed out state, it becomes essentially impossible for you to then surrender and relax when you come home.
Kimberly Snyder (15:17.358)
Mm.
Monica Yates (15:17.381)
and you’re with your man, so he then can’t lead you. So then he’s more in his feminine because you’re in the masculine. He’s not happy, you’re unhappy. And of course, well, you the women often are like, it’s the man’s fault when they realize, actually, I think I’ve caused this. That’s where that’s actually why I kind of wrote one of the reasons why I wrote the book, because I was really like, okay, I want to help men feel safe to be men in today’s world. But the way that we can do that is not just by telling them like,
you know, he has had to be a masculine man because the women won’t them be a masculine man. It’s actually very often the woman needs to step into her feminine these days, at least, you know, in America, so that he feels safe to step into his masculine. Because if you don’t let him, so many men are afraid. As you said before, they’re so afraid of being disrespectful, of saying the wrong thing, of being cold like a creep.
Kimberly Snyder (15:51.469)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (16:06.594)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (16:13.093)
And so they just go, okay, I’m just gonna do less. don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. But meanwhile, we’re all bitching about them on our girls’ night out.
Kimberly Snyder (16:24.512)
Yeah. So a couple of things, Monica, we can be in touch with our feminine and yet we all know couples and it’s probably the minority where the woman naturally is probably the leader, the more masculine and the man might be more of the feminine, but you know, not the majority.
Monica Yates (16:36.231)
Mm-hmm.
Monica Yates (16:41.116)
Yeah.
Not the majority, there’s a very small proportion where that actually really works for people. But a lot of the time when you see them and it’s like, she wears the pants, it’s not like, that was a conscious choice. Like she isn’t authentically got a masculine core and he authentically has a feminine core. Very often that has played out over time. And now that’s just the way that is. doesn’t mean they’re actually happy. It’s just how it is.
Kimberly Snyder (16:48.376)
Yeah. Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (17:04.353)
Okay.
Kimberly Snyder (17:11.744)
Yes. And also, and let’s talk about the trauma piece for a moment that can keep us in a pattern. And also, I just want to say, it’s not like to your point, just putting on the lipstick and wearing a dress. It’s the energy that we’re embodying. It’s what we are exuding out of us moment to moment. And so can you talk a little bit about how trauma can keep us from really embodying who we are?
Monica Yates (17:15.932)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (17:25.127)
No.
Monica Yates (17:32.262)
Yeah.
Monica Yates (17:38.748)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (17:38.81)
And some of the, I know you work with somatic practices and some of the things that we can do. If we’re listening to this, we hear this, say, you know, I do feel like a little bit disconnected from the softened feminine essence.
Monica Yates (17:42.353)
Mm-hmm.
Monica Yates (17:52.325)
Yeah. So firstly, if you notice that you get triggered in different situations, right, you get that like visceral response, whether it’s the heat coming through your body, whether it’s sweaty armpits, you get a little bit shaky, you feel like you can’t like use your voice. There’s so many different ways triggers can come up, but you get that visceral response where you feel like uncomfortable essentially in a situation that tells me that there or you freeze, you completely numb out. That tells me that there is trauma stuck in your body from
you know, it could have been last year, it could have been six months ago, or it could have been 10 years ago. For a lot of women, you know, we could go on this forever, I’m sure you know, Kimberly, but for a lot of women, there is a lot of trauma from their own personal experiences, not just in regards to men and boys from when they were little, and their dad, but also the societal trauma that’s kind of like almost like the third party trauma, I like to sometimes call it that’s been put on us. So that’s a really big impact.
that we have to recognize, not just the personal situations. But for a lot of women, there is trauma that they have around like daddy issues, not feeling seen by men, not feeling respected by men. Maybe there’s been sexual abuse, maybe there’s been bullying by boys, maybe there’s been like rejection and dating or heartbreak.
Maybe they’ve grown up feeling like they’ve been emotionally or physically abandoned by their dad. There also though can be like kind of even taking men out of the equation and their dad out of the equation. There also can be trauma around just being a woman and the feminine, right? It’s not safe to be a woman. It’s not safe to be emotional. It’s not safe to share my feelings. It’s not safe to be open. It’s not safe to surrender. And that feeling of like, it’s not safe can come from.
you know, so many different experiences. Maybe you, you know, expressed yourself once when you were 15 years old and you got like shut down by either a girlfriend or a guy friend or your mom or your dad. And that could, that could have made you feel so unsafe that your body decided like, I’m never going to open myself up to anybody again, because then I’m going to feel like this, you know, also taking into account that our nervous system, you know, is attracted to what is
Kimberly Snyder (19:56.588)
Mmm.
Monica Yates (20:03.867)
familiar, whatever is familiar feels safe. So if what is familiar to you is, you know, emotionally unavailable men, or men that don’t respect you, then you’re in a million other situations for that, then you
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