What to Do When You Get Dumped: A guide to Unbreaking your Heart with Suzy Hopkins & Hallie Bateman [Epsiode #984]
This Week’s Episode:
In this heartfelt conversation, Kimberly interviews mother-daughter duo Suzy and Halle Hopkins, co-authors of ‘What to Do When You Get Dumped.’ They discuss the inspiration behind their book, which addresses the emotional turmoil of heartbreak and the journey of healing. Suzy shares her personal experience of being unexpectedly left by her husband after 30 years of marriage, while Halle reflects on her own experiences with heartbreak. The conversation delves into the importance of allowing oneself to grieve, the power of illustrations in storytelling, and the significance of finding faith and understanding in the healing process. In this conversation, Hallie and her mother Suzy discuss the themes of healing, personal growth, and the importance of sharing one’s story. They explore the purpose behind Hallie’s book, which aims to provide encouragement and guidance for those navigating heartbreak. The discussion delves into the universal themes found in personal experiences, the journey of self-love, and the significance of support from unexpected sources. They also touch on generational perspectives on mental health and the importance of authenticity in relationships.
About Suzy Hopkins & Hallie Bateman
Suzy Hopkins is a former newspaper reporter and magazine publisher. She is coauthor of What to Do When I’m Gone with her daughter, writer and illustrator Hallie Bateman. She lives in Cincinnati, Ohio.
Hallie Bateman is a writer and illustrator whose work has appeared in the New Yorker, the New York Times Magazine, the Awl, and many others. Her books include Directions, What to Do When I’m Gone, and Brave New Work. Other books she has illustrated include Eggasaurus. She lives in Cincinnati, OH.
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Guest Resources
Book: What To Do When You Get Dumped: A Guide To Unbreaking Your Heart
Website: http://halliebateman.com
Episode Chapters
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Heartbreak and Healing
03:00 The Genesis of the Book
05:53 Navigating Emotions After Heartbreak
08:57 The Dumpy Bill of Rights
11:57 The Power of Words and Illustrations
15:03 Physical Practices for Healing
18:02 Finding Faith and Understanding
20:59 Reflections on Family Dynamics and Relationships
29:31 The Purpose Behind the Book
31:00 Universal Themes in Personal Stories
33:05 The Journey of Healing and Growth
36:19 Finding Wholeness After Heartbreak
40:31 Self-Love and Personal Values
43:30 Generational Perspectives on Mental Health
46:59 Unexpected Support in Difficult Times
49:32 Navigating Relationships and Emotions
51:19 The Power of Connection and Authenticity
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Transcript:
Kimberly Snyder (00:00.824)
Hi everyone and welcome back to our Monday interview show. I am so excited for my very special guests today, a mother daughter team who are the co-authors of the recent book, What to Do When You Get Dumped, A Guide to Unbreaking Your Heart. The author is Suzy Hopkins, who’s a former newspaper reporter and magazine publisher. She lives in Cincinnati and the illustrator is her mama.
sorry, other way around. Suzy is the writer and Halle is the illustrator whose work has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times Magazine, and The Owl and many other books. She also lives in Cincinnati, Ohio. I have to say, ladies, first of all, thank you so much for being here. Congratulations. And I don’t think I’ve ever interviewed a mother daughter team before. This is awesome.
Hallie (she/her) (00:31.129)
you
Hallie (she/her) (00:52.837)
amazing. Thanks for having us.
Kimberly Snyder (00:56.448)
So tell us a little bit about this inspiration and coming together as mother and daughter to talk about this subject of being dumped, which is something that pretty much all of us at some point feel that heartbreak, that abandonment, that not feeling wanted is really icky part of life. And to come together as family members, it’s really interesting.
Hallie (she/her) (00:58.808)
But, but…
Hallie (she/her) (01:24.026)
going to say mom? I’m hearing something in my ears that is the vacuum on. There’s someone doing yard work outside. okay I’m sorry I thought I had something in the house. No no. distracting to me and I’m really sorry to interrupt. ahead. Okay. Okay so I thought it was a vacuum in my house and it’s like in my ear so.
Kimberly Snyder (01:41.009)
no, that’s okay. We’ll just edit that part out.
Hallie (she/her) (01:48.91)
That’s your work. That’s just someone leaf blowing. Okay. All right. I’m I will overcome. yeah. So, mom, do you want to start by kind of describing where the idea came from? the, the, the, book is about, it starts from the time, my husband very unexpectedly left.
and we were married for 30 years and he one day, couple days, exactly two days before I was to retire, came in and said, I’ve got something to tell you. And what he wanted to tell me was that he had felt he wanted to pursue a relationship with a woman from 30 years earlier prior to the time we got together.
And so that night he was for all intents and purposes gone and our marriage was done. And this came as a considerable surprise to me. And I it threw me into a very confused and chaotic and lost state for a long time. And basically I was closing my business of 10 years at the same time. And we had planned to
Kimberly Snyder (03:00.906)
Ugh.
Hallie (she/her) (03:02.51)
to go into retirement together. So jump ahead a year. I get counseling, I get medication, I do everything to address this crisis, which is really throws me and then another year goes by and I’m still addressing it, the counseling help, but not quite enough.
and I’m still really grappling with trying to set up a new life. And year three comes and I begin to say, why on earth am I not doing better? I thought I got a lot of life experiences. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. I thought that my recovery might be more cohesive than what I was experiencing. I was still really flailing. So Hallie and I had already written a book together called What to Do When I’m Gone.
Kimberly Snyder (03:22.507)
Hmm.
Hallie (she/her) (03:50.074)
about the loss of your mother. And it made me somewhat of an accidental author at in my late 50s. And
She got me a tarot reading because she knew I was going through still a lot of grief over this and hadn’t recovered as well as expected. And the tarot reader said, you need to write a memoir as a pathway to healing. But she didn’t know I was a writer or anything about me. So I took that as seriously and began the book, which I’d had an inkling of earlier, but I began to write to record what was working and what
kind of as a note of encouragement to myself. And a lot of things also don’t work when you’re trying to recover, including input from other people sometimes that is not constructive. And so that’s the that’s the genesis of the project. And after it took me about a year to write the first draft, and it was an aid to healing for me, because as a former journalist, I
Kimberly Snyder (04:31.725)
Hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (04:51.914)
yeah.
Hallie (she/her) (04:54.188)
was accustomed to finding my way analytically through things, but in this case, this was also forcing myself to notice what was useful in healing from heartbreak and what was not. And by noticing those things and giving myself permission to feel all the feelings that go with that, it was very helpful in moving forward.
Kimberly Snyder (05:23.554)
Thank you so much, Suzy. And it’s so brave and wonderful to share your story and to pour it into something that can help others heal. You know, when I was reading the book, there was a lot of, you know, X and Y and like if someone, you know, your ex ends up with this other person, which I imagine was informed by this heartbreaking story you shared, which is where your husband didn’t just say, I’m going to go off and travel by myself, but there was this other person in the, in the mix.
Hallie (she/her) (05:52.066)
Right, right.
Kimberly Snyder (05:53.302)
And then can you share a little bit about, you know, you said it was three years. Do you think there was a numbing stage where you weren’t able to feel those feelings? Is that part of the advice you might give people is to let yourself feel more early or were there stages, I imagine, of the anger and the sadness? What was some of the arc of the journey?
Hallie (she/her) (06:12.026)
I had the cocktail of every emotion you could possibly come up with and it was a strong cocktail and it just kept going despite having, I’d had counseling in earlier years for depression due to a lot of childhood trauma. So I had, I thought, well, I took care of that.
You know, you don’t take care you learn how to integrate these these grief and trauma issues into your life and I thought I had been somehow more successful but having a third party You know when my husband told me that this woman was going to be His was his new person apparently that Basically
Kimberly Snyder (06:37.088)
Hmm.
Hallie (she/her) (06:58.35)
disconnected me from my partner of 30 years who I had shared everything with and we were both journalists and I chose that disconnect because I think he wanted to stay in touch but for me the presence of a third party meant that I could no longer speak to my husband privately. would be a triangulated experience that I wanted nothing to do with. that.
Kimberly Snyder (07:03.904)
Ugh.
Hallie (she/her) (07:24.93)
that bringing another party and changed everything for me and sadly, it’s my, you know, I could reconnect with him, but I wanted, you know, I’ve wanted to wait until I didn’t have the hurt that I had. And I just couldn’t, I really haven’t done it still. And I think…
that the lesson for me was giving myself permission to take that time and to say disconnected is feel safer to me as I heal in every way that I chose to heal giving myself permission proved to be the challenge. I had to say I’m now going to take care of myself not anybody else and learning to do that when you’re a person that
Kimberly Snyder (08:01.44)
Hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (08:07.138)
Beautiful.
Hallie (she/her) (08:11.392)
isn’t used to necessarily doing that and that was me. So that was the big lesson and it’s in the book there’s a something in the front called a dumpy bill of rights and I wrote that to tell myself it’s okay to take as long as you want. In fact you need to to grieve in only the way that works for you. Basically irregardless of other people’s chiming in which they really want to do people really like to tell you how to
get better. I really love the dumpy Bill of Rights and it’s I could read it if that’s okay. Yeah. So this is it is actually after the introduction in the very beginning. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You the dumped in order to unbreak your heart hold these inalienable rights.
Kimberly Snyder (08:47.734)
Yes, please Hallie.
Which page is on?
Kimberly Snyder (08:57.718)
I see, I see. Here’s what it looks like.
Hallie (she/her) (09:07.534)
You have the right to express yourself fully and honestly. You have the right to say no to whomever or whatever does not help you move forward. You have the right to grieve and heal in a way that works for you and you alone for as long as it takes.
Kimberly Snyder (09:22.402)
Mm. Mm. Mm.
Hallie (she/her) (09:25.434)
That is something in your house, Mom. I’m sorry. Now we really do have to pause. Now you have to pause for a second. Sorry. I think it is the vacuum. And I think we should close that door, Sorry. I think it must be Mercury in retrograde or something. Okay. And then can close that. Okay. Sorry. Okay. All right. The Roomba is being put on. Okay. So…
Kimberly Snyder (09:30.89)
yeah, no, it’s okay, pause. It’s okay, that’s why we have editing.
Kimberly Snyder (09:40.782)
no, it’s okay. I’ll…
Kimberly Snyder (09:46.71)
It’ll all work out in the wash.
Hallie (she/her) (09:55.032)
Yeah, that is the the dumpy Bill of Rights. It’s on downstairs.
Kimberly Snyder (10:00.664)
Well, I think if there was ever a time to create healthy boundaries, it’s when you’re healing. Because as you said, Suzy, sometimes it’s easy to always give or just to sort of, you know, think of others above ourselves, but it’s such a personal time. I know for myself going through a really hard breakup before my husband, it’s…
Hallie (she/her) (10:08.121)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (10:27.394)
So I loved your book because there’s a lot of sharing, but there’s also this, you know, there’s this acknowledgement that it’s also a very individual process as well. And it’s gonna look different for everybody. And along those lines, I love that you guys paired together for illustrations because when it comes to this subject matter, words are powerful, but so is the drawing, right? And I’m just, and it’s humorous.
Hallie (she/her) (10:38.426)
That’s right.
Kimberly Snyder (10:55.598)
But some of these pictures literally made me cry. Like there’s pictures of, you know, there’s pictures of people crying and we’ve all felt what it’s like to be in the shower, I’ve cried in the shower. So with my breakup, we had a young child who was just over a year old. And when I moved out on my own, I used to hide in the closet and cry. I didn’t think I would be a single mom. Like I didn’t think this was gonna be my life.
Hallie (she/her) (10:57.85)
Aww.
Hallie (she/her) (11:15.926)
Mmm. Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (11:22.348)
So there’s so much, there’s depths of feeling that I think also get layered in with the illustrations. And I’ve read like other books about relationships, but I think it’s rare to have that combination.
Hallie (she/her) (11:35.992)
Yeah, the thing that I love so much about graphic storytelling, being able to combine words and images, which is really my art practice, is that alchemy where like you’re, like when we collaborate, we’re measuring, you know.
What do we need to say in words and often it doesn’t need to be much it it really causes you to simplify and sort of get to the heart of something in the language so that you can allow the images to speak and I think especially when it’s a subject like heartbreak or our first book together was about death and loss.
Kimberly Snyder (12:19.981)
Yeah.
Hallie (she/her) (12:23.468)
A wall of words can feel really inaccessible, especially when you’re in the throes of grief. And I love that, you know, when we are able to fold the two together, it enables someone, I think, even if you are currently struggling, you can read a paragraph and look at a picture and like allow it to wash over you. doesn’t ask as much of you, but it can still send a very powerful.
message and I’m just like in love with this this language of words and images in combination and I think that it allows for such endless possibilities and it’s it’s so incredible to get to work with my mom in this format where you know she comes from decades of experience as a writer and a journalist and is like so practiced there but then I get to to kind of
Kimberly Snyder (13:00.109)
Yes.
Hallie (she/her) (13:19.234)
Yeah, talk to her about, but this is gonna be the art. And then we get to like, yeah, just kind of play together and squabble and figure out what the story is gonna look like on the page. And it’s really unique.
Kimberly Snyder (13:38.08)
Yeah, I agree, especially with the subject matter that you both are writing about, which is, you know, your other book as well. I lost my mom around the time that I went through this breakup. So I relate on both levels. I was a new mom and I became a single mom and I lost my mom and, and getting dumped. And one of the things I think in our, in our culture and our society is it’s very heady. It’s very mental, right? And you can’t think yourself out of heartbreak.
Hallie (she/her) (13:50.265)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (14:07.596)
Right? There’s a lot of the practices you talk about in here, which is, you know, and the images again, like looking at this roller coaster and it’s, there’s this, the feelings and the sensations and what it evokes allows, you know, now there’s so much research about how trauma and that you imagine this felt like a really traumatic situation you went through, Suzy, because it was shocking. It’s stored in the body. So.
It can’t just be this mental way that we heal, but it’s this whole person way, the emotional, the sensations in the body, doing physical practices, allowing the space. It’s nonlinear.
Hallie (she/her) (14:46.878)
Mm-hmm. And I had no practice allowing space. I was all up in my head for, you know, my entire career. And I basically thought I can forge my way by just thinking through anything. And this really took me into the body practices in order to recover in a way that I could feel the ground again emotionally. So.
Kimberly Snyder (15:03.767)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (15:10.272)
And what were some of those practices, that you share about in the book and also just that you love to share personally that helped you get to a more grounded place?
Hallie (she/her) (15:22.426)
I suddenly retired at the same time, but it took me about a year to finish closing my business, I suddenly found myself.
you know, without the mental load of running the business, but suddenly this kind of heart load. And I, I moved out of the family home and I got a place in the country that required a lot of manual labor. And I can’t think of anything that would have been better. So I bought a, wood splitter and a lot of downed trees and I split a lot of wood and I, I walked endless miles. I would say, you know, just endlessly in circles around a out in
Kimberly Snyder (15:49.996)
Wow.
Hallie (she/her) (16:03.65)
country around a big drive area with my dogs and that physicality I just went until I couldn’t go anymore because I
Kimberly Snyder (16:08.451)
beautiful
Kimberly Snyder (16:12.365)
Mmm.
Hallie (she/her) (16:13.556)
I had to quiet the disruption that was happening to me. and exercise was just the very best way. sort of learned to meditate, in the course of this recovery. And I hadn’t done much of that before. And so I did a lot of breathing work I’d never done. And mostly I just, for a long time, use distraction with physical labor and exercise. My mom essentially became a full-time manual laborer.
And as a, from my perspective, I just.
Kimberly Snyder (16:44.75)
That’s so primal. was like splitting the wood. I can imagine you, Suzy, like on the farm too.
Hallie (she/her) (16:53.498)
I had a lot of rage and the wood cutting helped a lot. I had a lot of anger for a long time. so, you know, whatever you’re going through, it’s whatever gets you through, right? To the next, I wanted to go on to a life that was a lot healthier. And this really, in a way, forced me in that direction.
Kimberly Snyder (16:59.438)
Yeah.
Hallie (she/her) (17:19.578)
I wasn’t a yoga practitioner. I was not a particularly peaceful person. I was just a person who was so busy with work and overwhelmed by it all the time. And that was, was, you know, I wasn’t a workaholic. this was really in the end, I had to learn how to be healthier at this, at this stage in life. And in the book,
Kimberly Snyder (17:41.388)
Mmm.
Hallie (she/her) (17:44.602)
that takes different forms. Like you talked about the spread where she’s in the shower and she’s crying and kind of sitting with her feelings. And then I immediately thought of this other spread where it’s just about standing in the sun and letting the warmth embrace you. I think that, yeah, there’s like a through line of being
Kimberly Snyder (18:02.222)
Mmm.
Hallie (she/her) (18:15.034)
being with yourself. Yeah. When you say, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Throughout the book, um, relishing in, you know, there’s like this big spread about cooking, relishing in food and nourishment. And I mean, I guess you could summarize it as saying my learning mindfulness, but it’s, it’s so much more than that. It’s really, uh,
Kimberly Snyder (18:28.076)
Yeah, colors.
Hallie (she/her) (18:36.984)
just coming to a place where there’s nobody there but you to decide the next step to take, you know, to plan your life. It’s not a contingent on anyone else. And it’s sort of a big responsibility. And, and you can go, it is, that’s exactly right. And I think to what you said earlier, the book is purposely
Kimberly Snyder (18:52.138)
exciting and scary in a way.
Hallie (she/her) (19:02.542)
really specifically focused on my mom’s experience and my mom’s story down to, you know, really specific examples. And the idea is not to tell the reader, hey, you should do exactly this because this is what works. The idea is like, hopefully by inviting the reader to see and experience what one person’s journey through heartbreak looks like, that they can
Hopefully, A, feel less alone in this really lonely journey and B, like, see that a path doesn’t look, you know, maybe like, yeah, you just go to, you just do an eat, pray, love and you’re good. Like, it’s not, it’s not like that, you know, that seeing that like, yeah, there’s, it’s this really long, weird, unique thing and watching my mom like trust herself and build.
Kimberly Snyder (19:50.158)
Yeah.
Hallie (she/her) (20:02.112)
new, you know, coping habits or like the hilarious little like things like she smashes the litter box that she and my dad shared like as a as a gesture of getting out her rage. Like there’s these these things that it’s it’s not saying you need to do this. It’s just saying, look what this can look like and what is your path look like? And ideally, like allowing you to see that you can, you know, trust yourself to find your way.
Kimberly Snyder (20:24.897)
Yes.
Hallie (she/her) (20:31.738)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (20:34.606)
Well, I also think it’s very comforting if you’re going through this type of situation to read someone else’s story to not feel alone. Because I remember when I was in those really dark moments, it’s easy to focus on new friends or maybe you go on Instagram and everybody looks so happy and they’re in their little worlds and you’re like, like nobody really is going through this right now or I feel alone.
Hallie (she/her) (20:41.934)
Mm-hmm.
Hallie (she/her) (20:59.788)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (21:02.05)
And so I think it’s incredibly comforting. Again, the words, the story, and also the illustrations. And when I was reading it, I couldn’t help but wonder, Hallie, if you’d been through such a bad breakup or you had been dumped, and also because you were going through this project so closely with your mother, how that might have affected your relationship with your dad. And if, you know,
Hallie (she/her) (21:15.705)
Hmm.
Hallie (she/her) (21:27.469)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (21:29.698)
you sort of felt that betrayal as well, because one of the things about someone being dumped is there’s often children and relatives and friends that are in the process.
Hallie (she/her) (21:36.488)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well to speak to your first question about heartbreak, I certainly have never experienced heartbreak on this scale. Actually, we ended up kind of talking about this at a book event in New York, but my biggest heartbreak was from a situationship that ended after one month. And it just really, I was really young. It was…
for me, a one month relationship was huge. Cause if that’s the longest thing you’ve ever had, then that has a big footprint on your life. And it was really interesting reflecting on that and going through this, you know, this experience of working with my mom on her story after the loss of a 30 year marriage and thinking my biggest heartbreak was after 30 days and.
Kimberly Snyder (22:11.936)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (22:31.363)
Yeah.
Hallie (she/her) (22:31.532)
And yet it’s not really comparable, but yet I was devastated by that. And I think that, you know, the way that the book is framed is that it counts you down to your heart being unbroken. And it’s counted down on my mom’s timeline, which was, I think around what, four years? Four plus years. So it starts and the countdown says, you know,
Kimberly Snyder (22:58.093)
Hmm.
Hallie (she/her) (23:01.37)
1,582 days and that’s how many days till your heart’s gonna be unbroken. As kind of this reflection of, for my mom, if she’d had this book back then, she could have said, okay, I’ve got to make it through that many days. It won’t go on forever. There will come a time when you shift. And I think that the way that I see it, if I’m thinking about that heartbreak of mine is that, okay, well it would have said,
Kimberly Snyder (23:21.729)
Yeah.
Hallie (she/her) (23:31.652)
two years, like, cause it did take me weirdly two years to get over that. But yeah, there would have, you know, there would have been a countdown. Everyone has their own, their own kind of weird ways that that heartbreak manifests. And then, yeah, I think that to speak to the second question about being in relationship with my dad, it was super painful to have.
my parents split and to have it happen the way it did was devastating for myself and my brothers. It really reshaped our family and kind of reshuffled the deck of our lives. And at the same time, I’m very thankful that my brothers and I really consciously decided we are not taking sides. Like this is not a thing that we are going to, you know, allow to split the family or anything like that.
Kimberly Snyder (24:09.762)
Yeah.
Hallie (she/her) (24:29.378)
Not to say I didn’t feel my own pain and express my own anger or communications with my dad. We certainly had to work through to get to what our relationship would be now that this had happened. I was supporting, my brothers and I were supporting my mom. It just changed everything, but it was never a thought of we’re d
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Breaking Free from the Cage of Ambition and the Relentless Pursuit of More with Keren Eldad [Episode #990]
How to Improve Your Pelvic Floor for Better Health with Alicia-Jeffrey Thomas [Episode #989]
Discovering Joy and Overcoming Perfectionism in your Life with Dr. Tiffany Moon [Episode 988]
Elevate Your Relationships through Radical Listening with Robert Biswas-Diener and Christian Van Nieuwerburgh [Episode #986]
Radiating the Feminine Woman You Were Born to be with Monica Yates [Episode #985]
Intuitive Ayurveda to Reset your Health with Nidhi Pandya [Episode #983]