Understanding Toxic Productivity with Isra Nasir [Episode #963]
This Week’s Episode:
In this conversation, Kimberly and Isra Nasir, Author of Toxic Productivity, delve into how societal pressures and personal experiences shape our understanding of productivity and self-worth. They discuss the impact of natural disasters on personal reflection, the balance between work and personal life, and the importance of recognizing and managing shame and scarcity mindsets. The conversation highlights the need for intentional choices in parenting, education, and personal growth, emphasizing the cultural shifts brought about by the internet and social media.
About Issra Nasir
Courtney Carver is he is the author of Soulful Simplicity, Project 333, and her current book Gentle: Rest More, Stress Less, and Live the Life You Actually Want (Balance/ Hachette Livre; February 18th, 2025). She is also the creator of bemorewithless.com and The Simplicity Space, a membership program and community full of women who are reducing stress and simplifying life. She also co-hosts The Soul & Wit Podcast with her daughter, Bailey. She has been featured in countless articles, podcasts, interviews, including O, The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, Vogue, Success, BBC, The Guardian, today.com, Good Morning America, CNN, USA Today, Forbes, PBS, The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times.
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Guest Resources
Book: Toxic Productivity: Reclaim Your Time and Emotional Energy in a World That Always Demands More
Episode Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Toxic Productivity
02:47 The Impact of Natural Disasters on Perspective
05:58 Understanding Toxic Productivity
08:47 The Role of Parenting and Education
12:10 Scarcity vs. Abundance Mindset
15:05 Managing Shame and Over-Functioning
17:57 Cultural Shifts and the Internet’s Influence
25:01 Navigating Modern Communication Overload
25:58 The Myth of Meritocracy and Generational Challenges
27:49 Cultural Shifts and Redefining Success
28:49 Creating Healthier Work Environments
30:16 The Importance of Self-Boundaries
32:15 Mindful Living in a Fast-Paced World
33:30 Undercommitting for Better Balance
35:28 Transformative Power of Writing
38:35 Reconnecting with Creativity and Play
43:48 The Invitation to Self-Awareness and Action
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Transcript:
Kimberly Snyder (00:00.373)
Hi loves and welcome back to our Monday interview show. I am so grateful to be back with you all here in the home studio. I’m just coming back from evacuation and the fires and we have a very pertinent topic and guest for you today. Isra Nasir, who is joining us from New York City. She is a New York City based psychotherapist, writer and the founder of Well Guide, a digital community for mental health awareness And she has a new book, which I’m holding here in my hands right now, Toxic Productivity. Reclaim your time and emotional energy in a world that always demands more. So thank you so much, Isra, for being here with us today. It feels like the right time to talk about this.
Israa (00:49.718)
Yeah, well, thank you for having me and I’m glad to hear that you’re okay and things feel a little bit more normal, probably being in your own home, but it’s, I’m happy to hear that you’re doing okay in the chaos that’s happening.
Kimberly Snyder (01:04.277)
Thank you. And you know, it’s funny because there is, as I look out my window, you can see the burn scar of the fire all around. And when you go through something like this, there’s all these natural disasters that happen. What I really feel right now in the land and in the area is a very deep stillness, stillness that comes. And it’s a really powerful time, I think, to transform and to rethink our lives and what’s really important. I know so…
Israa (01:23.054)
you
Kimberly Snyder (01:33.653)
So many of us, was, you know, pack one bag and run. And it was pictures of my parents and things from my kids. And in daily life, the subject of your book is sometimes we get caught up in thinking things are important and we’re on this hamster wheel all the time. So sometimes it just sort of gets, you know, these, are opportunities. I’m living in it right now, right? This opportunity to transform and rebirth. Because fires are death and rebirth.
Israa (01:58.806)
Yeah. Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (02:02.805)
And so now in this aftermath, sort of rethinking, reframing what is it that really matters and where do we get our self-worth and what is really valuable in life? Big questions.
Israa (02:17.814)
Yeah, yeah. You know, when these kind of like calamities happen, whether they’re natural disasters or personal life events, I think most of the time, the last thing we’re thinking about in these type of moments is work, right? And productivity and achievement and stuff like that. Yet when things are like status quo, that’s the thing we think about the most. You know, and so I think
Kimberly Snyder (02:35.176)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (02:44.585)
Yeah.
Israa (02:47.232)
It’s just like an interesting thing that I noticed even about myself, right? When the United CEO was shot here in New York City a couple of months ago, it did start this discourse around how quickly, like within a month they had found someone to replace him, like work goes on. And I think it’s so important to take stock of like,
where you are putting your time. And I’m not saying that we shouldn’t work like I work, work is important. It’s just really about balance.
Kimberly Snyder (03:25.211)
Yeah. And I would also say, as I went through your book and the topics, it even can expand beyond traditional work. think to, as a working mom, I’m in the work world. I’m also in the mom community. And I can also see shades of this with stay at home moms who can feel more productive doing more things at home or at school or having more kids to show that they’re doing more. Right. So you can actually fit into different
spheres because underneath it is that tendency, you know, whether we’re formally working or not.
Israa (04:01.71)
Yeah, I mean, I like to think of it as like paid and unpaid work. know, moms are doing more than full time roles of unpaid work. So, you know, and, and I think that I was very intentional in the book because like, when you think of the word productivity, you definitely think of work, but that’s the first thing that comes up. And I think up until like, probably like till, so in 2019, the WHO,
Kimberly Snyder (04:10.514)
you
Kimberly Snyder (04:23.412)
Yeah.
Israa (04:31.517)
declared burnout as an official syndrome. So not a clinical diagnosis, but an official syndrome that is a cluster of symptoms that lead to a certain behavior that is harmful. That’s the definition, right? But probably around 2020, 2021, new research started coming up. People became more interested in how we can actually be burnt out in other areas of our life, including being caregivers to either to elder dependence or younger dependence being partners, you can have romantic relationship burnout. You can feel burnt out in your personal health and personal growth arena. So that’s like more newer research that’s expanding the definitions of how far we take this toxic productivity mindset. And that’s why I was very interested in this because I was feeling it in different areas of my life. And I was very intentional.
Kimberly Snyder (04:57.557)
Mm.
Kimberly Snyder (05:18.997)
Yeah.
Israa (05:26.87)
in the book to use vignettes that showed how we can bring this mindset into our romantic relationships, how we bring it into parenting. There’s a case of any throughout the book. There’s a character we follow who is a mom and a lawyer. And like, she’s trying to battle these two roles. And then also in our, you know, personal health, self-care and friendships, it’s really like a mindset that is very much valorized.
Kimberly Snyder (05:36.275)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (05:54.463)
Right.
Israa (05:56.423)
in our culture.
Kimberly Snyder (05:58.399)
I would even say I was kind of chuckling a little bit when you talked about partnership, because I also have friends that are wanting partnership and there’s this burnout of being productive, being on every dating app, going on a million dates, just trying so hard, right? So it’s applying that sort of driven never enough energy to sort of always being in that search mode that we describe instead of actually just being and enjoying life.
Israa (06:23.16)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (06:27.157)
Right? The balance of, sure, I want to put myself out there if I’m single and this is what I want versus if I am not trying, I’m wasting my time or I’m not doing enough. So it really does fit into any particular area.
Israa (06:40.63)
Exactly, and in any arena it’s in, what it does is it tells you that the thing in front of you is not good enough. And so it keeps you on the cycle, right? So like if, as a person who’s dating, you’re constantly in this mindset of, wait, wait, this is not good enough. I either have to do more, I have to meet more, or there’s somebody better. This like illusion of optionality in today’s world kind of like crashes into the productivity mindset.
Kimberly Snyder (07:01.621)
Mmm.
Israa (07:06.766)
And it creates this idea that I have to go out more, I have to meet more people, and the person I’m meeting, there’s somebody better. So I have to optimize, I have to optimize. And you see this in parents. It’s not enough that my kid is doing four things. They need to do one more thing. Otherwise, they’re not optimizing their time. There was a great Atlantic article written about how it was like the, I’m forgetting the headline.
Kimberly Snyder (07:13.29)
Right.
Israa (07:34.914)
But the article is about how there is no more unstructured play for younger children now in the way America is set up. Because there’s something that needs to happen for these children. And even play is structured. You have structured play dates versus the unstructured play that many millennials grew up in, millennials and older. And so we’ve bought this optimization everywhere.
Kimberly Snyder (07:44.76)
yeah.
Israa (08:04.536)
frankly, not to sound like, you know, what’s the word? Like, I don’t want to be intentionally salacious, but I think that being too optimized and too structured leads to a very boring life. There is like no spontaneity. There’s no adventure. There’s no time to daydream and be like, you know, unreasonable in your imagination. Like everything is too centered on outcome.
Kimberly Snyder (08:32.82)
Yes.
Israa (08:34.54)
And so it becomes really like, we kind of pulverize all of our originality so that we all look the same. Our lives look the same. Our children are the same. Our partners are the same. Our holidays are the same, right? And so it just feels boring.
Kimberly Snyder (08:47.197)
Yeah, it’s true. Well, I think it’s, you know, it’s good to have these discussions because we really can make these intentional choices. I didn’t think about this as much until I became a mom. And I started looking at schools and started really seeing, wow, this doesn’t fit what I believe personally, and even how I grew up. So my kids go to Waldorf schools where it’s all about maintaining childhood and this unstructured, you know, the whole child.
And so I have created that for my children, it’s, it’s considered, you know, fringe in some ways. It’s very different than public school or a lot of other more traditional private schools. But I see my kids thriving. see incredible, the imagination games. My younger son wins all these chess tournaments, not because he’s sitting all day, but because he’s doing all these, you know, more real world math examples at Waldorf. So anyways, I just want to say this to moms and people everywhere. If this
resonates. really are different environments and groups and communities that you can seek out because more and more is highlighted around how this and you know there’s this Ted talk that was called you know something along the lines of why traditional school makes our kids dumb. Right so we see a lot of tech people especially sending their kids to Waldorf and schools like that. So anyways back to the book back to toxic productivity.
Israa (10:07.178)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (10:13.821)
What was interesting for me is that I also published a book a few months ago, Isra, and it was about the heart. And there’s these five heart stages, the dark heart, where you don’t have a lot of energy, there’s a lot of fear, and then the propelled heart, which really describes this toxic productivity where I was for much of my life, which is externally oriented. What do people think of me, judging self and others, comparing, always on the hamster wheel. And then you can start to steady yourself, steady heart, devoted heart, clear heart, where you come into that presence.
Israa (10:31.982)
Thank
Kimberly Snyder (10:42.633)
But so much, you know, when you read this and I get so many questions on all the podcasts I was going on, well, how do I actually quell the overthinking mind or this underlying feeling of really not doing enough? Because underneath that, you know, when we look deeper, it’s, don’t feel enough. So one of the chapters that I really resonated the most was called the audacity of abundance, right? Because if we get into the mind and we believe the ego, it never is enough.
Israa (11:07.159)
Hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (11:11.827)
Right? We look on social media, we should be more fit, we should have this. Like you said, we should be on this kind of vacation. We’re making this much money, like da-da-da-da-da. And so there’s this lack-based, or as you talk about in the book, the scarcity thinking. What have you seen in your clients, in your own experience, to really shift over and break these patterns, you know, which doesn’t happen overnight, away from scarcity, into really believing that we’re enough?
Israa (11:25.9)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Israa (11:41.302)
Yeah. So scarcity is obviously a mindset that we learn. Like everything that we think is stuff we have learned. So I think that’s the first thing I think programming, conditioning, like all the stuff. But I think the beauty in knowing that, like really knowing it, is also knowing that you can relearn things, right? So we don’t have to be like, what we’ve been taught is not our destiny. It’s just the context that we exist in.
Kimberly Snyder (11:49.013)
Programming.
Israa (12:10.744)
So we can change that context. So the first thing to kind of step out of scarcity is, well, I mean, once you’ve recognized it, right? So like, if you don’t really have a lot of awareness of how you’re operating, a lot of times scarcity seems like the more logical path, right? It feels like the more reasonable thing to do. And so like, for instance, like if you have like a job opportunity,
Kimberly Snyder (12:32.372)
Right.
Israa (12:40.34)
Scarcity, you will say to you, you don’t meet all of the requirements. So you don’t need to apply. Like, you’re probably not going to get it because you don’t meet all the requirements, right? The underlying fear in that is, you know what? Let’s protect you from rejection. There’s a scarcity there around how much you can handle. So I think in order to become aware of the mindset that you’re operating in, you have to become aware of the type of thoughts that you have.
Kimberly Snyder (12:56.735)
Amen.
Mmm.
Israa (13:10.094)
And that frankly is a little difficult to do alone if you’re not somebody who’s accustomed to a lot of self-reflection. In this way, like having like a very candid conversation with your partner, maybe even observing your patterns, are you somebody who says no to opportunities first? Are you somebody who sees obstacles before opportunities first? Let’s say someone offers you a job, let’s just say, right?
Instead of noticing the positives of this new role, I’ll manage a better team, I’ll have more money, like whatever, you jump to the obstacles. Like, I’ll have to meet new people. I’m so comfortable in my job already. Right? Like, where do you sit on this? I think those can be indicators of what type of mindset you have, scarcity or abundance. You can talk to a trusted friend. You can ask your partner, they see you every single day, siblings.
And then of course a therapist. If you do know that you operate from a scarcity mindset, like if you’re aware for whatever reason, I think emotional regulation is a really good way to get started on this journey of transforming scarcity into abundance. Because yeah, scarcity is based on fear. Fear activates the fear center of your brain, which activates fight or flight, right? So like what happens is your body takes over, your emotions are unresolved, they’re unregulated.
And so, or dysregulated. And so I think emotional regulation helps you bring it down, pause, so that you can choose abundance.
Kimberly Snyder (14:46.037)
Okay, okay. So that’s, it’s almost like a self-sabotage as you’re describing it. And then there’s this other, you know, what I call lack, which maybe is a little bit, you talk about shame and other aspects here, where it’s that doing a lot to sort of make up for this insecurity or the worth, right? Or the lack of self-worth just in being this. And I can think of a mom in one of my mom groups who, you know, had a fourth child.
Israa (15:05.944)
then.
Kimberly Snyder (15:15.989)
And it came into every sentence, you know, I have four kids. And it like gave her like a sense of like, I’m doing more than everyone else, because everyone else in the mom’s group had one to three kids, right? Or this sense of like, you know, she’s probably gonna try to have a fifth or a sixth or you know, whatever it is that she has ascribed to this sense of I have to keep going to feel like I’ve done enough. And I could say for myself personally, you know, it was like perfect grades.
Israa (15:23.182)
and
Kimberly Snyder (15:42.613)
president of the high school, president of National Honor Society, captain of the track team and became an author. Then it was like, you have to be a New York Times bestseller. And then the next one and the next one, right? It’s just like the hamster wheel, like the constantly, that drive, that burnout that, you know, for me, was like you said, recognizing it and then also really questioning what is it that makes me feel good? And it doesn’t come from my mind. It actually comes when I’m still and I’m in my…
heart and then you can start to see the contrast. And then it started for me to disable this myth of more doesn’t really make me happier.
Israa (16:21.152)
Yeah. Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (16:22.547)
little by little, but it doesn’t break the patterns overnight, but at least you start to see it.
Israa (16:26.88)
Yeah, I think that you’re right. you know, a lot of us are over-functioning, constantly like feeling like we need to do more, not only for ourselves, but for others around us. Like, I think, you know, how can I solve the problem for my partner? How can I like preempt some other issue at work? How can I, you know, prevent my sister from dating like a horrible dude? Right? Like we’re constantly trying to solve other people’s problems.
Kimberly Snyder (16:40.381)
Yes.
Israa (16:55.502)
and over-functioning because it gives us a sense of purpose and need and validation, like from an external perspective. And I think that, you know, something that really transformed my relationship to this, because similar to you, you know, good grades, high functioning, like over-functioning, over-achieving, all that stuff, the good girl syndrome, as they call it, that’s how I grew up as well. And I think what shifted for me as I started thinking about this stuff is,
kind of defining a good enough point when I start something. So even with like writing the book, Like where was my good enough point where I felt like, okay, this chapter is good enough to be sent to the editor, you know, or I like write articles and sometimes I’ll just delay sending it to like pass the deadline sometimes because I’m like, where, like, cause I don’t have a good enough point. So I think it’s really important to be aware of our
Kimberly Snyder (17:38.463)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (17:51.573)
Mmm.
Israa (17:54.52)
good enough point for everything, whether it’s our personal health, whether it’s like a work related thing, whether it’s our families, because then you can rationalize your desire to over function. Like you can rationalize out of it. Cause you can say, wait, you know, I did meet the good enough point. Anything after this is extra. And I think it’s like a, it’s like a skill you have to build.
Kimberly Snyder (17:57.173)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (18:19.285)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, it’s good to know that we, and it’s different for everybody, but it’s personal and it can be defined. And you can write it down. I’m a big journaler as well. And it does help me sort of reflect why I’m saying yes to this or why, you know, what’s really going on here. So another chapter which stood out to me was managing unresolved shame. So when we don’t feel good about ourselves,
We can sort of channel those feelings and that restlessness into the doing mode and sort of try to cover over really deep, painful, unprocessed emotions that we keep buying into. So can you talk a little bit about that relationship?
Israa (19:07.852)
Shame is a really powerful emotion. And it’s an emotion that is internally facing. So shame is constantly looking at you. And there’s an element of self-judgment. And of course, lot of shame is inherited. We inherited from our primary caretakers. We have some early life experiences that can really build this foundation of, I’m not good.
Kimberly Snyder (19:17.268)
Yeah.
Israa (19:36.632)
people don’t love me because I’m not good. Like that’s like the basic foundation that we can learn if we have like, let’s say emotionally distant parents or if you have emotionally neglectful parents or if we had like a lot of like emotional chaos in the home that can very quickly become this like foundational core belief that there’s something wrong with me.
Kimberly Snyder (19:46.42)
Right.
Kimberly Snyder (19:55.285)
Mmm.
Israa (20:04.044)
And that’s why my parents don’t love me. That’s why it’s so chaotic, right? And then that carries into our school environments. And sometimes like events can happen at school that really, like if you’ve been bullied as a young person, like it can really develop a core belief that there’s something wrong with me. And so what happens is shame is so existential, like it’s an existential threat to ourself. So what happens is our mind just tries to wrap
Kimberly Snyder (20:04.159)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (20:23.829)
Mm.
Israa (20:32.534)
around it and cover it with behaviors. And so we end up doing a lot of things to undo this feeling of shame. And that’s why you see a lot of people who are bullied when they were young become bullies as adults. Like they become the workplace bully. They become bullies in their relationships because it’s a way to overpower that shame that they feel. Or even like.
Kimberly Snyder (20:49.695)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (20:56.873)
Right.
Israa (20:59.148)
children who are emotionally abused become emotionally abusive parents. And one would think that you’re like, but you know how it feels. Like, why would you do this to somebody else? But it’s because you’re to undo the shame. And shame can also take the shape of a lot of behaviors. That’s the ones that I talk about in the book of over-functioning. Like, if I do a lot of things, then I will be worthy. People will love me.
Kimberly Snyder (21:09.589)
Yeah.
Israa (21:25.452)
And if I’m perfect, perfectionism often has roots in shame, right? And I talk about perfectionism in the book as well as like, if I’m perfect, if I make no mistakes, then people will love me. I will never be rejected. My value becomes higher in somebody else’s eyes. And so it’s a very difficult emotion to uncover because it’s so deeply like folded into the narrative of our belief system about ourselves.
And I offer some reflection points in the book around shame that are, they’re like gateways to reflection. I think, if you’re somebody who’s really trying to work on shame, I will say that it’s really hard to do on your own. And it’s probably a better idea to have a behavioral health coach or a therapist to kind of help you through it, because it is a very challenging emotion.
Kimberly Snyder (21:53.268)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (22:00.575)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (22:19.689)
Yeah, it’s, you know, finding almost an anchor because when you start to open that door, it can feel at times quite overwhelming. It can feel very dark and it’s something that does need to be digested. And in my experience, it can be, you know, process to get through it. But I’m glad you wrote that chapter because otherwise if we don’t even consider that that’s a possibility or look to the past, we’re still on the hamster wheel. We’re still…
running around and it doesn’t solve anything even when we get that perfect so-called partner or we get that job promotion or whatever it is. It feels like right now there’s a lot of toxic productivity going on in general. And I’m not sure why culturally we may, you know, if there’s any research about, you know, with social media or the internet, like things are so much faster.
Or was there something that happened culturally in young adults or adults’ childhood as a culture a decade, a generation ago? What do you think is going on? Or has it always been there, but we just haven’t talked about it as much?
Israa (23:32.974)
Yeah, I think there’s a couple of really important shifts that have happened in the last 25 years. The biggest being the advent of internet. And obviously, like one of the m
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