Tools and Insights on Grief and Healing with NYT Bestseller Kris Carr [Episode #865]
This week’s topic is: Tools and Insights on Grief and Healing with NYT Bestseller Kris Carr
I am so excited to have my very special guest, Kris Carr, who is a New York Times bestselling author and wellness leader, who’s been thriving with stage IV cancer for more than 20 years. Listen in as Kris shares how emotional wellbeing is an integral part of holistic healing, why grief requires acknowledgment and processing, creating golden moments in life, and so much more!
TOPICS COVERED
- Emotional wellbeing is an integral part of holistic healing…
- Grief is a complex emotion that requires acknowledgment and processing…
- Curiosity and emotional literacy are essential for understanding and caring for our emotions…
- Healing is a continuous journey that goes beyond physical cure…
- Finding one’s own path to healing and tending to the heart are crucial for overall wellbeing…
- Create golden moments in life and string them together for a beautiful life…

About Kris Carr
Kris Carr is a New York Times bestselling author and a 20-year cancer thriver. She’s been called a “force of nature” by O Magazine and was named a “new role model” by The New York Times. Kris is also a member of Oprah’s SuperSoul 100, recognizing the most influential thought-leaders today. Her work has also been featured in Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, Glamour, Good Morning America, the Today show, Super Soul Sunday, OWN and The Oprah Winfrey Show. Kris teaches people how to take back their health and live like they mean it. Her work will change the way you live, love and eat!
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Other Podcasts you may enjoy!:
- What Are Living Foods? A Guide to Nutrient Dense Eating for Better Health
- The Connection Between Food and Spirituality with New York Times Bestselling Author Geneen Roth
- Winter Wellness Practices: Effective Ways for How to Nourish Your Body, Mind, and Spirit
- 5 Effective Ways to Stay on Track and Thrive with your Health, Wellness and Energy
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Transcript:
Note: The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate. This is due to inaudible passages or transcription errors. It is posted as an aid, but should not be treated as an authoritative record.
Kimberly Snyder (00:00.87)
Hi loves, welcome back to our Monday interview show where I am so thrilled for our very special guest today, Chris Carr, who is someone I have long been a fan of, her work, her books, her amazing energy. She is the multi-week New York Times bestselling author of the Crazy Sexy Book Series and also she is the subject and director of the documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer.
She’s also a fellow Hay House author, and she has a new book out called I’m Not a Mourning Person, braving loss, grief, and the big messy emotions that happen when life falls apart. So Chris, thank you so much for joining me here today. I’m so excited.
Kris (00:49.034)
I’m so happy to be with you, Kimberly. This is a long time coming. We finally get our time together.
Kimberly Snyder (00:54.75)
Finally get our time. Everything is, you know, this universal timing. And I just, I’ve been such a fan of your work for a long time and we’re both plant-based advocates. And I just, I love your energy. I love your smile. I love your positivity. So here we are.
Kris (01:14.756)
Mmm, right back at you, honey.
Kimberly Snyder (01:17.094)
So it’s also amazing that we are doing this show around Valentine’s Day. I was reading in your amazing book, we have so many coincidences and things that are just so aligned. And one of the ones that isn’t so happy is that on Valentine’s Day, I know you got your cancer diagnosis and that was actually the day that my mother got her cancer diagnosis.
She passed in six weeks. I know the central story in your book around your father, it took some years, but either way, whether it’s anticipatory grief as you talk about or shocking grief, we’re never prepared for these moments that are gonna hit us all in different ways. And I love in the book how you expand on how grief is not just this one specific thing, but it’s a big emotion.
Kris (02:09.95)
Yeah, and first and foremost, I’m so sorry for your loss. And it’s so hard to lose a parent. I think many times, perhaps, we don’t give it enough of a beat in our lives because in our society, it’s sort of like the natural order of things. But it’s a monumental shift that each and every one of us are going to experience at some point. And going back to Valentine’s Day,
flip side of grief, which I’ve learned is love. And the more we love, the more we grieve, but we don’t have the tools, many of us, to actually go on this journey. And so I think what we do instead is because we might be so terrified of these big emotions, because for many of us, it feels like we’re in the fight, flight, freeze mode. We are, because…
Kimberly Snyder (02:47.226)
Yes.
Kris (03:06.51)
That’s the physical manifestation of pain. And so we will do whatever we can think of to numb, to avoid, to stuff it down, maybe to work harder and hustle longer. And coming from our background, we know that health is a very holistic, integrated experience. And so it’s not just about what we’re eating, it’s also about addressing what’s eating us.
Kimberly Snyder (03:32.262)
Yes.
I love that. I was going to say one of the ways in which I really connect so deeply to your work is that you’re also talking about food and juice and smoothies and things that I also love. But then you’re also talking about big emotions and emotional wellbeing and spirituality, right? In the self-connection because it isn’t just going to be the one thing, right? And that’s, it’s, you know, we talk about these cornerstones, Chris, food, body, emotional wellbeing.
Kris (03:59.263)
Yeah.
04:04 Holistic Wellness
Kimberly Snyder (04:04.574)
spiritual growth. If you’re just eating green salad and having the green juice, but you’re pushing all of it down, it doesn’t make you a healthy person. That’s not real wellness.
Kris (04:17.246)
Yeah, well, you know, it creates more inflammation. And I feel like we, you know, I came at this lifestyle from such a 21 years ago. So yesterday was Valentine’s Day. If you’re listening to this, it won’t be Valentine’s Day probably, but yesterday before we recorded was Valentine’s Day. And it was my 21 year cancerversary.
Kimberly Snyder (04:20.09)
Yes.
Kris (04:43.126)
So 21 years of living with stage four cancer. And when I was newly diagnosed, the first thing that I turned to is food because it was the thing I thought, well, I feel so out of control and what can I control? Well, I can control what I put in my body. So let me start there. It helped me feel like I was doing something, that I was participating in my wellbeing or my attempt at wellbeing. And over time,
Kimberly Snyder (04:43.24)
Wow.
Kimberly Snyder (04:56.199)
Yes.
05:12 The Role of Food in Healing
Kris (05:12.402)
it sort of the practice built and changed and grew to your point where it was like, wow, you know, I can’t just focus on the healthy food because I’m riddled with fear and anxiety and stress. So what do I do to help that? Now that I’m feeling better, I have more energy, this piece is still really troubling me.
Kimberly Snyder (05:15.778)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (05:26.187)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (05:35.246)
So it’s interesting when my mom had her diagnosis, the first thing I did as well was in that doing mode, hey, I know how to care for you. We’re going to cut out sugar. We’re going to have green juice and all these things. Right. And then there’s, you know, this part of the book where you talk about this.
06:23 Surrender and Control
It’s just this surrender like I’ve never had to surrender before. Right. I described myself as a recovering perfectionist, controlling, you know, over performer always wanted to have be number one in my class, always had to have perfect grades and I had never faced something that was so overwhelming that you have to surrender, whether you like it or not, it felt like this giant wave. And then there was this shift at a point, Chris, where I was praying.
You know, I pray for my mom to get well. I pray for this healing. And then at a certain point it shifted because it all happened so quickly. It was, I pray for her soul to be in peace. Right? There was this peace that passeth all understanding that, um, you know, that’s part of the journey unless we resist it, which, um, some people seem to be in grief or, um, intense grief for longer periods.
Kris (06:30.231)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (06:49.586)
Can you touch a little bit more on those topics, Chris? Cause you talk about this all in depth in your book, surrender, control.
Kris (06:54.922)
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Oh my gosh. So each chapter in the book is designed around an emotion or experience you may face when the rug gets pulled out from under you. And it’s going to happen to each and every one of us. I think one of the greatest things that we can pursue as human beings is to learn how to become more stress-hardy. And I
Kimberly Snyder (07:21.534)
Mmm.
Kris (07:24.446)
I am one of those people, I’m like, I want the rainbow, but I don’t always want the rain, right? And that’s not how life works. And yet many of us are very sideswiped when the rain does come. And it’s as if we manifested something or we did something wrong to call it in. And again, this is cycles of life and nature. They’re so much bigger than us. And so how do we learn to ride those waves? You use the…
Kimberly Snyder (07:36.729)
Yes.
Kris (07:52.426)
metaphor of a wave, which is so common in grief circles and the grief community. I think what’s so powerful about that is that when we think about a wave, we think about nature. I just got to Florida. I’m hoping to go for a walk on the beach later and see the ocean. If I were to stand there and try to hold back the ocean, let’s just say that, Kimberly, I was strong enough to do that for a minute. Let’s just say.
Kimberly Snyder (08:15.407)
Yes.
Kris (08:21.314)
the waves are gonna start to stack. And then over time, it’s gonna get to a point where I am definitely not strong enough to keep holding the waves back. And as powerful as I am, as we are, we’re not more powerful than the ocean. And it’s the same, I think, with our emotions. The way out, it may sound cliche, but the way out truly is through. And it’s also a lot more peaceful. It’s better for our nervous systems.
Kimberly Snyder (08:45.616)
Yes.
Kris (08:52.102)
It supports our entire healing and wellbeing. And I think it helps us become more integrated as people because if we think about it, emotions are just information, they’re energy. They’re here for a reason. And so us getting curious about them and learning how to care for them, I’m sure everybody listening to you is interested in self-care and wellbeing.
Kimberly Snyder (09:05.244)
Yeah.
09:18 Embracing Emotions
Kris (09:18.49)
This is the same exact thing. We’re just applying those principles to our emotions, especially understanding that ruptures will happen. Ruptures are the moment where life changes, where the rug gets pulled out from under you, where you feel like you’ve been kicked in the choppers. They’re going to happen, and it’s about how we show up for ourselves and show up for those
Kimberly Snyder (09:31.038)
Mm.
Kris (09:48.546)
how well we come out on the other side.
Kimberly Snyder (09:53.038)
These are such important teachings, Chris, and I feel like, I think many of us, I didn’t learn this when I was a child. I think a lot of us, it’s almost like, ouch, I don’t wanna feel that pain or that emotion, let me bury it or let me do something, right, where the perfectionism came from. And it’s interesting, I have two young children, and it’s almost like I’m healing my childhood through teaching them about these feelings, and sometimes I feel like I’m talking to myself.
Kris (09:59.967)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (10:23.058)
when I’m talking to them. So that’s been part of this healing, but it’s amazing how integral this is to our wellbeing. And yet a lot of us don’t have a clue how to actually deal with feelings. So what would you say to someone, Chris, if they say, it just feels yucky. I don’t like it. I want it to go away. Right. In a basic sense, like I don’t, I don’t like this.
Kris (10:45.216)
Mmm.
Kris (10:49.198)
Mm-hmm. Hey.
Kimberly Snyder (10:50.53)
I don’t like this wave. What do you say to them?
Kris (10:54.026)
Hey, I don’t like it either. One of the things that my therapist said to me that I write about in the book is when the grief train pulls into the station, it brings all the cars, right? It brings pass hurts, it brings things that you think that you’re over, it brings up trauma, and all of that can inflame other emotions. Like I have a chapter in the book that’s about anger and rage, and it’s called Becoming Unbecoming.
Kimberly Snyder (11:03.567)
Yes, I read that.
Kris (11:22.586)
and how I wasn’t prepared for the amount of rage that was coming up for me in the moments of explosion and implosion, which I write about very candidly, in a way where I was like, am I really gonna tell people about that? Yeah, because I’m not alone. And I think our stories connect us, but I love what you’re talking about with your children. And…
Kimberly Snyder (11:40.795)
Yes.
Kris (11:47.566)
teaching emotional literacy because as soon as we vilify something, whatever doesn’t come out in a healthy way will still come out. We know that. It’ll come out in another way that’s oftentimes a lot more complicated. If we go back to this idea that you don’t… Another thing that my therapist says is it is what it is and you don’t have to like it. Here’s the emotion and you don’t have to like it.
Kimberly Snyder (11:57.582)
Yes, yes.
Kris (12:17.334)
But our opportunity is to get curious about it. And so I often, I made this connection about a year ago about the different organs in my body that have cancer. So I have tumors in my liver and both of my lungs. And when I was newly diagnosed, I mean, none of us come to this planet with an owner’s manual. I didn’t know what my liver and my lungs did. I was like, I know they do good things and I need them. Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (12:44.894)
They’re important. They’re in there.
Kris (12:47.21)
They’re in there, they must be doing something. But then when I went on this wellness journey, I said, well, what if I get to know these organs? What if I learn what they do and what they prefer? I learned their preferences and how to take care of them like something that I love. And it’s the same idea, I think, with our, oh, Chris, I don’t like grief. Okay, I understand that.
Kimberly Snyder (12:58.728)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (13:08.83)
Hmm.
Kris (13:16.322)
But it’s like me saying, I don’t like my liver. There’s something about my liver that’s not attractive. It’s subpar. I need my liver, right? And so we need our grief to be whole people. We can’t amputate any parts of ourselves and expect that wholeness that each and every one of us craves. And so I would say, that’s OK, but I invite you to get curious about it. Why?
Kimberly Snyder (13:22.03)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (13:29.265)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (13:43.386)
Mm, mm. Why? And then also for me, it’s, I say this mantra to myself. It’s only sensation. So I went on this, it’s difficult for me to go into cold water.
Kris (13:45.003)
Yeah.
Kris (13:53.986)
Hmm
Kris (13:57.518)
It’s beautiful.
Kimberly Snyder (14:01.41)
My husband has a cold plunge and we swim in the cold waterfalls in Hawaii where we also live. And I say this mantra, it’s only sensation as a goal of myself to master sensation. Because again, I wasn’t taught emotional wellbeing. So when those big feelings hit, I’m like, oh, it goes through. Wow. You know, just that curiosity that what you are here is about the acknowledging, first of all, that it’s there. And then I love this.
quote, this is at the very beginning of the book and the introduction where you say, burying pain can also make us sick or at the very least constipated, right? Because digestion is something that I’ve talked about so much, you’ve talked about. It’s not digesting food, but it’s also digesting and letting these big emotions, grief, anger come through, not just pushing, but come through us.
Kris (14:43.136)
Yeah.
Kris (14:54.59)
Yeah, absolutely. So there’s a lot of tools in the book, but you are touching on all of them innately, because I think this is who you are. And obviously, you’ve gone through big life things, and you’re on this path yourself. And oftentimes, we overlook the simplest things, the basics, because many of us are looking for
the next big healing experience or it must be out there, it must be something I don’t know or what’s the latest this, that and the other thing. Yeah, the latest trend or hack or whatever it is. And with health, I always come back to the basics. In fact, I keep it as simple as possible. Simple, right? Because I wanna do this for the long term. I wanna add years to my life and I don’t know about you Kimberly,
Kimberly Snyder (15:29.102)
Yes, I’m out here.
Kimberly Snyder (15:41.426)
Thank you, V2!
Kris (15:52.514)
When I get overwhelmed, when I lose my passion, when I get bored, like, it is hard for me to gin up the inspiration to not only continue on my self-care path, but teach others.
Kimberly Snyder (16:04.701)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (16:10.927)
Yes.
Kris (16:12.074)
Right? And so when we go back to the simplest things, when it comes to our emotions, that first step is awareness, as you said so beautifully. And so can we begin our process of emotional literacy by even merely calling out and naming what the emotion is that you’re experiencing, as opposed to, I don’t like how this feels. That’s great. Awesome. Wonderful start. Let’s go a little further. What is the feeling?
16:39 Naming and Feeling Emotions
Kimberly Snyder (16:39.066)
Mmm.
Kris (16:41.094)
And if you think about it with your children, I mean, they’re going to immediately say, I’m sad, I’m angry. But as adults, we might have a hard time even identifying what the emotion is because we have been domesticated to push it away or to bury it or to make it less important, especially the emotions that my grandmother would call becoming. That’s the name of the chapter.
It is unbecoming to express anger, especially as a woman.
Kimberly Snyder (17:13.094)
Where is she from? Where did she grow up, Chris? Okay, okay.
Kris (17:15.65)
Columbia. Yeah. And it was a different time, right? So she would say, don’t cry. It’s not becoming. Don’t show anger. It’s not becoming. Well, where do those things go?
Kimberly Snyder (17:21.38)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (17:25.507)
8
Kimberly Snyder (17:29.619)
Wow. What? Exactly.
Kris (17:32.89)
I can tell you where they went. They went into drinking. They went into a lot of other places that were, I found to be outlets to discharge energy or sensations because I didn’t know a healthier way to do it.
Kimberly Snyder (17:49.47)
Right, right. So then we acknowledge, here it is, and then feel, right? We have to actually go into it.
Kris (18:00.418)
Yeah, allow ourselves to feel those feelings. And sometimes they don’t feel safe. And so you might wanna do them in a safe environment with somebody you trust, somebody you love, with your therapist. For me, it always starts in my journal. So identifying what it is and then just like brain dumping, however messy, whatever wants to come out, nobody’s gonna read it, you can burn it, you can lock it away, you can, you know, do whatever you need to do, but to just like…
Kimberly Snyder (18:15.408)
Yes.
Kris (18:29.774)
process it on the page. And then from there, it’ll usually go further. I’ll have a conversation with somebody that I trust, like my therapist or one of my healing practitioners that I work with of what’s coming up for me in this time. But let’s go even further because I don’t think we can always, and this is what the research says, we can’t always solve the problems of the mind just with the mind. So just with talk therapy.
Kimberly Snyder (18:44.666)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (18:58.438)
Thank you, yes, I wholeheartedly believe that.
Kris (19:01.622)
Right? We have to get it out of our bodies. And that’s where I t
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