Attachments are really this futile way that we project out our fears and we try to cling or control things in the outside world, as a way to try to feel soothed and to feel safer. In reality, we already know on some level, that controlling doesn’t work and attachment doesn’t work. It actually pushes people and opportunities away.
Connection is where we want to be, where we feel connected to ourselves. We want to feel connected to others, but attachment crosses the line and it’s really different functions, different ways the ego tries to play out, and the ego is not the true self.
When the ego doesn’t feel good because the ego is limited, the ego tries to utilize these different tools, which in the end are ineffective and they don’t work. We’ll be discussing why we cling to attachments and how this plays out in our life.
How do attachments look to you in your life? Keep introspecting as we go through the questions and keep reflecting back and keep relating this to your own life. There is a very potent antidote and different tools that we’re going to work into our discussion today. Instead of clinging to attachments, I’ll be sharing the tools that will work instead of trying to control the outside world.
Have you been wondering about this very topic? If you want to know the answer to this question and 3 more sent in by Beauties just like you, listen now to find out!
It’s really hard for me to not compare my life to others on Instagram. Every other day I want to delete my account. Do you have healthy tips to find a balance and not be so attached to this platform?
Faye – Georgia
I feel I have a decent body after having two kids but still find myself having moments of doubt. Are we innately bound to this way of thinking so that we’re always striving to be better?
Denise – Massachusetts
Do you have a spiritual practice that will help me not care what others think? I’m so exhausted from worrying about this. I’m sure everyone else is most likely feeling the same way, which means we’re all wasting our time worrying about others. Help! Thanks Kimberly!
Claire – Seattle
I too am a struggling perfectionist and can’t seem to let go of the critique I received from my boss. It was constructive, however, I can’t seem to shake the feeling of being, “not good enough”. How can I just move forward and stop dwelling on the critique as if it were a bad thing?
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Kimberly: Hi Beauties and welcome back to our Thursday Q&A podcast, where our topic today is Why We Cling To Attachments. And this is such a big topic for all of us. Attachments are really, let’s be honest, this futile way that we project out our fears and we try to cling to things, or we try to control things in the outside world, as a way to try to feel soothed, as a way to try to feel safer. And in reality, we know on some level, we already know that controlling doesn’t work and we know that attachment doesn’t work and it actually pushes people away and it pushes opportunities away. Connection is where we want to be, where we feel connected to ourselves. We want to feel connected to others, but attachment crosses the line and it’s really different functions, different ways the ego tries to play out, and the ego is not the true self.
Kimberly: And so, when the ego doesn’t feel good because the ego is limited, the ego tries to utilize these different tools, which in the end are ineffective and they don’t work. So, we’re going to get into the show today, what you can use instead of clinging to attachments, the tools that will work instead of trying to control the outside world, which again, doesn’t really work at all. For a minute, it may seem like you are, but in the end, all those different mechanisms of control will start to crack and break down and they won’t be able to feel good sustainably.
Kimberly: So, I’m really excited for our show today, as always, this show comes directly from all the questions from you guys, right from the community all around the world. And so, it’s always a huge, huge treat for me to see what you’ve written in, what you’re wondering about, how I can best support you. And here’s the deal, here’s the reality, is that we’re all connected. So, most all of us have the same questions to different variations. And also, even if we don’t have the same exact question, a lot of times when we hear questions from others, it may prompt us to introspect or to look at our own lives or to look at how it relates to us. And it may bring something up. So, it’s very powerful.
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Kimberly: All right, all that being said, let’s get into our topic today. Why we cling to attachments and also, I would say, how this plays out in our life. How do attachments look to you in your life? So, you can keep introspecting as we go through the questions and keep reflecting back and keep relating this to your own life. Because in many ways, all of us have those little attachments, big and small. We have all the little ways that we try to control things, big and small, which is really comes out of anxiety. It comes out of fear. It comes out of not really trusting life, not really trusting ourselves. And there is a very potent antidote and different tools that we’re going to work into our discussion today.
Question #1 around the topic of: Why We Cling To Attachments:It’s really hard for me to not compare my life to others on Instagram. Every other day, I want to delete my account. Do you have healthy tips to find a balance and not be so attached to this platform?
Kimberly: So, the first question comes from Charlotte and she lives in Denmark and she writes, “It’s really hard for me to not compare my life to others on Instagram. Every other day, I want to delete my account. Do you have healthy tips to find a balance and not be so attached to this platform?” Charlotte, I send you a huge hug. I know that feeling and I think it arises for most all of us that are on social media, to some extent. And it’s really important that we create a healthy relationship, that feels good and healthy to us, to each of us individually on social media, because otherwise it can be something that can really throw us off.
Kimberly: On a practical level, just remind yourself, first of all, and I’m going to remind you, that Instagram and social media isn’t real life, and it’s not showing the depth and the range of emotions and experiences in someone’s life. It’s really showing the best picture and the best moment and the best thing that someone wants to share. So, it can be very triggering because when we’re in a down moment or an off moment, or maybe just a moment that feels a little bit dull, or we’ve worked all day, and we see all this flashiness on Instagram, it can really trigger something inside of us. But first of all, just remind yourself that it is not real life. And so, also the platform is designed to create those triggering moments because then there’s emotional attachment there. And then, it prompts you to want to show your best stuff and stay on the platform.
Kimberly: Secondly, I would ask you, this is a question to tune into, why are you on there in the first place? So, if you’re on there because you feel like you want inspiration or you want ideas, I would say, okay, are the people that you’re following, are the accounts that you’re following giving you what you really need? Because if not, you can unfollow. You can mute. You don’t have to be in that mode. Number three, let’s say you get clear on the reason you’re on Instagram. You can start to feel, first of all, connected to the community in other ways, other than Instagram. And for me, especially over the past year, been on Instagram more than any other time, just in there and posting and sharing. And it felt good for a time, but then it started to feel like too much.
Kimberly: So, I batch and I will now shoot more things at once and have them scheduled out. So, I don’t have to be in the app every day, in Instagram. I will also say that I have found a way to connect in a beautiful way that isn’t Instagram, and it’s our Solluna app. And I was just saying this today because we had the circle, there’s the circle part and then there’s the free chat part, that’s just like a general chat room. And it’s a much smaller circle though. It’s very like-minded people. So, I feel like I have found my people on there. And so, it lessens this need for me to see and check in with what’s going on in the larger world as much, of social media. Doesn’t mean I cut it out. I’m on there at times and I dip in and out and I’m in there to the extent that it feels good, but I don’t feel controlled by it anymore in the same way.
Kimberly: Not that it fully controlled me, but I felt this pressure like, I have to post and I have to be in there. So, I would encourage you, Charlotte, to find other communities, other ways to feel connected to other people. And I of course, recommend the Solluna Circle. It’s just a wonderful way and a wonderful place to really be seen and to take your mask off and just to really be witnessed and to be able to relax into yourself. And the next part is having that healthy relationship with Instagram or any social media platform means that you set the boundaries. So, I’m not a fan of alerts because they invade your day or when you’re working on something else or with your child.
Kimberly: So, I encourage you to turn off the alerts and maybe to not get on there first thing in the morning, before you have a chance to do your meditation and to ground into your own energy and to root yourself. Maybe you start to train yourself that it’s certain junctures of time, like mid-morning or a couple of minutes mid-afternoon. But making it feel scheduled versus being on there all the time, every time you have a break. So, it can be a real habit for people just to go on there, see what’s going on. But like I said, if you have another app or something like the Solluna circle, that feels better to check into, it really lessens the tendency and the habit of always having to be on Instagram.
Kimberly: The next thing I’ll say is, comparing your life in general, on Instagram and in the world, means that we have to strengthen our self-connection. And so Charlotte, this is where the emotional and spiritual cornerstones of Solluna really help because when we develop that inner connection, it means that we start to feel really good about ourselves because that’s what connection does. It starts to feel really good. And so, we start to worry less about what other people are doing and what’s going on out there. It doesn’t mean we don’t care. It doesn’t mean we don’t have to check in, but it means that we start putting all our importance on this surface or this outer stuff, who’s doing better this? All the things that we can see with our eyes, “Oh, this is better. She’s prettier. This person’s more successful.”
Kimberly: It means that, even in the midst of all this stuff going on around us and all these people doing all this stuff, we can still be so connected to ourselves that we realize that in the real sense, we can’t be compared, because we’re all unique. We’re different energy, we’re different forms of spirit. We are spirit embodied in these forms. And so, when we start getting connected to that, which really comes from meditation, it means that it lessens more and more, this need to compare. And listen, I know it’s difficult and I’ve compared myself a lot in the past and especially other students, other grades, other measurables, other achievements.
Kimberly: And the more I softened into myself and the more I realized that, that’s the jewel of really being connected and that’s where peace and joy come from. And why am I doing all this other stuff anyway? It makes it less serious. Instagram doesn’t have to be this big, serious thing. It’s not going to make or break your life. It’s just a platform. But all this seriousness and just over-weighting it, comes from disconnection. So, I encourage you, Charlotte, to try our meditations, to get into a regular practice. We have them on the website, mysolluna.com. We also have them in our free app. And the more you start really working on that self-connection, the more that outer instances like Instagram, they will start to bother you less and less. And I know that as truth, I know that as a personal experience, and I can’t wait to hear how that opens up for you as well.
Question #2 around the topic of: Why We Cling To Attachments: I feel I have a decent body after having two kids, but still find myself having moments of doubt. Are we innately bound to this way of thinking so that we’re always striving to be better?
Kimberly: All right, my loves, next question comes from Faye, who lives in Georgia. And she writes, “I feel I have a decent body after having two kids, but still find myself having moments of doubt. Are we innately bound to this way of thinking so that we’re always striving to be better?” So, Faye, big, huge hug. Thank you so much for your question. Thank you so much for being part of our community. And this striving to be more, to be better, to be better, adding on, adding on, I would ask you, sit with this, when is enough going to be enough? Because I know for me, when I would hit an achievement or really create something, I enjoyed it for a microsecond, but then it would be like, “Okay, now I have to do this thing and this isn’t checked off the list.”
Kimberly: And so, chasing after those outer things is never going to be enough. You know you have a great body after having kids or with kids or without kids. And so, that’s the part we lay down. We let it go. We don’t have to keep going into that. You know on a level, subconsciously or not, which is why you framed the question this way, that this doesn’t have to do with your body. Your body is great as it is. This has to do with your mental state and your perspective, the only way to feel good enough as you are, and to stop striving and striving endlessly, is to connect to the part of you that is already whole and already perfect and already good as she is. And so, there is no real adding on to that.
Kimberly: When we are disconnected, the futile ways, humans, who are let’s face it, we’re all stumbling around the world, trying to do our best. We grow. We try to evolve more. We make mistakes. We fall down, we get back up. But really, really, this trying to add more, whether it’s achievements, job titles, more money, more followers, more whatever it is, losing more weight. Some of those things are great and can be enjoyed and it’s nice to have achievements. No one’s saying it’s not. But it shouldn’t go into the bucket of self-worth. Our worth shouldn’t come from any of those things. Our worth shouldn’t come for what our body looks like after we have kids or not, or our bodies in general. Our worth comes from connecting to that unique energy, which to me, the only way to do that really, is in meditation.
Kimberly: And this is why the conversation is where it is today, because if I gave you this diet and you followed it perfectly and you started working out and you had this perfect, toned body, then it wouldn’t be enough. You’d be obsessed with maintaining that body or improving it. And it would just keep going and going and going. And then, you’d keep trying to tweak with your diet. So, that’s not the pathway to healing. It’s the pathway for actually feeding some form of trauma. The pathway to healing is to go deeper instead of hyper-fixating more on the surface. And going deeper means we connect with that beautiful heart of yours, Faye, with the true self, with who you authentically are beyond all of that surface stuff.
Kimberly: So, I don’t think we have to be bound to this way of thinking. I know that I have shed a lot of it. It still creeps in because it’s a really deep tendency inside of me, it comes from a deep wound, but I have shed so much of it already just from introspection, journaling and primarily, meditation. Because when we meditate, we close our eyes and we go into that stillness. We go into that space. We go into energy. So, we let go of all this stuff, including achievements, including the labels, including all this outside stuff. And there’s so much power that comes from that. There’s the power to really connect in the real way. And then, that starts to lessen this striving, striving, doing, adding. I got to add more and more and more to be worthy. That just melts away like a piece of ice that we finally scrape off and it falls down. It just starts to melt away. And then, it changes form and the energy recycles into something else.
Kimberly: So, that’s possible to do, and it comes from working really on that self-connection, that is so powerful, and the most powerful practice of all really. So thank you so much, Faye. I love this question and I send you a big virtual hug there in Georgia. Check out some of our free meditations and let us know how you do.
Kimberly: All right, my loves, I love these questions so far and I feel like so many of us, most all of us, can relate to this and it just shows that this is a big one, attachments and striving more, over-efforting. It’s something that we’ve all fallen prey to, and at the same time, if some of us have healed, it means we can all heal from this. So, I’ll be right back after the break with two more questions for you guys.
Question #3 around the topic of: Why We Cling To Attachments: Do you have a spiritual practice that will help me not care what others think. I’m so exhausted from worrying about this. I’m sure everyone else is most likely feeling the same way, which means we’re all wasting our time worrying about others. Help. Thanks, Kimberly.
Kimberly: All right, my loves, we are back from the break and we have two more questions on this beautiful, wonderful topic of why we cling to attachments. And our first question now comes from Denise, who lives in Massachusetts and she writes, “Do you have a spiritual practice that will help me not care what others think. I’m so exhausted from worrying about this. I’m sure everyone else is most likely feeling the same way, which means we’re all wasting our time worrying about others. Help. Thanks, Kimberly.” Denise, I love this question and thank you for sharing with us right from your heart. I can feel that really in the energy of your question. And in a similar vein to Faye’s question, this idea of worrying about what people think, and also actually with Charlotte’s question about comparison.
Kimberly: So, comparison, trying to be more, worrying about what other people think, there is a through line here, and it comes from surface, we are living on the surface. So, we look around, we look at what other people are doing. We compare it to our lives. We take a step forward in our life, but then we immediately think how others are going to receive it or what they think. All of this comes from the same place, which is not being connected to the true self. And so, living life from the place of the ego and the ego is insecure. The ego is limited and small and narrow. And so, the ego will see things in that narrow, small, limited way, including just comparing the surface stuff. On social media, we don’t really know what people’s lives are like. So, we fall into that when we’re just comparing and seeing what we think and what we imagine someone’s life is like, but it may not be true at all.
Kimberly: And worrying about what people think, is a bunch of mental chatter. It’s the voices in our head, meaning we’re evaluating, we’re over-analyzing. And that again, comes from living on the surface and it comes from not really being connected in a deeper way to ourselves. When we are connected to our truth and to who we are, it is 100% true, Denise, and I’ve experienced this in my own life. So, I say this with truth, with personal experience and I know if it’s true for me, then it’s true for you and all of you listening to this as well, which is, it is possible to not care what other people think, so much. Because when you are walking around in the world and doing and acting and speaking from your heart, maybe not everybody’s going to like what you do, maybe not everybody’s going to agree, but you can at least know that you are being authentic and that you are living your life.
Kimberly: And if you do that, and you can look at yourself in the eye and know that you are living in your truth, other people’s opinions don’t matter so much. Other people are in their own journey, everybody’s in their own reality, right? And so, other people are going through life and they have wounds and they have triggers and they have things from their childhood that alters their perspective. And maybe they’re having a bad day and maybe they’re having a tough time in life. And so, we can’t base our actions on what other people think, because then otherwise we’re going backwards and that’s never going to feel good. We just have to work on that self-connection that I’ve been talking about so much on this podcast.
Kimberly: And so, the spiritual practice I recommend, and I’ll go through all the cornerstones here, because I haven’t done that yet, but I’ll start with the spiritual, is to really focus on connecting to your breath, connecting to your inner state, connecting to your energy, doing your meditations. When I don’t meditate in the morning, my whole day literally feels thrown off. I don’t recover from it. So, I have learned not out of obligation, not out of whatever, just feeling like I have to do it. I just feel that it has completely opened up my energy and makes me feel rooted and grounded. So, I’m less susceptible to reactions. I’m less impatient. I’m less caring about what other people think. I’m just living my life. And so, there’s less of that mental chatter. And so, breathing and meditation have that ability to start to calm you down, Denise.
Kimberly: So, you can really stay centered within yourself, no matter what other people are doing or what they think. Emotionally, our emotional cornerstone here, is to really keep calling your attention back in. If you notice yourself saying, “Oh, what will such-and-such think or what will the neighbor think about this?” Bring it back to yourself. Does this resonate with me? Does this feel like it aligns to my heart? Am I living in my truth? So, start to train yourself emotionally, to know when you’re over-valuating the outside world and to keep calling it back in.
Kimberly: Body-wise, I think it’s important to get out in the fresh air, in the sunshine and nature, and just to feel that connection. We talk about this a lot, but it’s so powerful. When we start to get too much into the technology, too much sitting in one place, we can start to feel stagnant. And that stagnancy definitely contributes to feeling weighed down and insular and into our old habits and patterns. So, walking and being outside and taking activities outside, whether it’s eating. We have picnics on our lawn all the time, we actually eat more on the lawn than on the outside table right now. But that may shift at some point.
Kimberly: And so, eating outside, reading outside, journaling outside, anyways that you can be outside in the fresh air and away from technology, I think is really healing. And then food-wise, and we talk about this, this month in the Solluna Circle, which is our membership program, where our theme this month is letting go of control. And food-wise, a really wonderful thing to, as we’re developing this self-reliance and we’re developing that self-connection, is to really focus on healthy fats, fats that are stabilizing, but not heavy. So, I would suggest avocados and olive oil in your salad, cooking with coconut oil. All these different ways that we can stabilize ourself, give us sustained energy and sustained vitality, but not feel heavy.
Kimberly: It’s not about fried food. This is not the time probably to have all these heavy, milky, coconut milk curries and things that may feel too heavy right now in summer. But it is a wonderful time to introduce those healthy fats and to incorporate them regularly. So, I hope all that helped. I wanted to throw in some of that practical cornerstone information as well, Denise. But it is a process. So, it’s not that we turn the switch off and on, and we stop caring what other people think. It will lessen and lessen over time, as we take this holistic approach, as we tune into ourselves, as we meditate more regularly, you will notice one of the most happy, tangible benefits is comparing less and not caring so much about other people’s lives.
Kimberly: It doesn’t mean we don’t show up for them and give them love, but we don’t have to compare and worry what people are thinking so much. It’s not so serious. All right, my love, thank you so much for your question and thank you so much, Denise, for being part of our community.
Question #4 around the topic of: Why We Cling To Attachments: I too am a struggling perfectionist and I can’t seem to let go of the critique I received from my boss. It was constructive, however, I can’t seem to shake the feeling of being ‘not good enough.’ How can I just move forward and stop dwelling on it?
Kimberly: All right, our next question comes from Claire and she lives in Seattle and she writes, “I too am a struggling perfectionist and I can’t seem to let go of the critique I received from my boss. It was constructive, however, I can’t seem to shake the feeling of being ‘not good enough.’ How can I just move forward and stop dwelling on it?” So, I understand very much this perfectionist tendency, Claire, because I have been there, as I have shared with you all.
Kimberly: And this is another iteration of the same thing, which is perfectionism really comes from putting our self-worth in what we are doing. So, your job in this instance seems to be where a lot of your identity comes from or your self-worth. So, that if your boss critiques you, even if it’s in a kind, constructive way, as you mentioned, it throws you off because your worth is tied in there. So, you may think, “Oh my gosh, I guess I’m not good enough because I’m not good at my job and I messed up.” And all these things start to swirl around in your head. So, we can transcend that connection between worth and identity, by going deeper, which is, “My self-worth is intact because my self-worth comes from who I am.” And who you are, this essential essence, this energy inside of you, can’t be quantified. Certainly isn’t defined by job title or achievement or money, or outer beauty, or any of those things.
Kimberly: It’s the beingness, that is where your self-worth should really come from. And so, what this means here, Claire, is first of all, awareness. So, I’d like you to sit with that idea like, “Ooh, I guess I am putting too much of my worth or my worth in general, into my job.” And it doesn’t mean that we don’t want to strive hard and to do our best in our job. Of course, we want to use our will, we want to create, but at the same time, it shouldn’t affect our actual worth. Our worth is intact, it will always be intact, despite what we do or what we say. And I say this to Emerson, I say this to Bubby, my older son, because if he does something and I’ll say, “No, we talked about this. Please don’t empty out all your toys out on the floor,” whatever. He would say to me, “Mama, do you still love me?”
Kimberly: And I sit him down and I would say … Once in a while, he’ll say it, but I’ll say, “Remember, love never goes away.” I say, “This isn’t about your behavior. I am not happy with your behavior, but love will never go away. And nothing you say and nothing you do will make me ever stop loving you. But what I would like to talk about is your behavior today.” So, here it’s again, we can strive to be great in our jobs, but if we mess up here or in a relationship or in a friendship or whatever, maybe our behavior wasn’t perfect, but that never changes your worth. That never changes your worthiness. You are worthy because you are you. And whether you get promoted and you rise to the top of your company, or maybe you get fired because you messed up a couple of times and you can learn a lesson from that, either way, you’re still completely worthy.
Kimberly: You don’t take away worth and you don’t add onto it either. Which is what we talked about in an earlier question, this idea of trying to be more and strive to be better. In Faye’s question, I believe it was, it’s not to be added or taken away. It just is. This is-ness quality, that’s spoken about in some spiritual contexts is just, you are who you are. And so, the worth is there. So, it doesn’t go away. It doesn’t get added onto, it’s just complete as it is. And when we tune into that, and not to sound like a broken record, but we tune into that by spending time with that essential essence, with connecting to her first, and that comes from the meditations.
Kimberly: So, a couple of years ago, I was talking about more physical things and that’s where I was in my journey. And the reason I talk about these other cornerstones so much as well now, because I still do talk about food and I talk about body practices, and those are important because those do impact your energy, but they will never get you to where you want to go, on their own. They are supportive, but this deep connection, this is the way, I believe with my whole heart, this is the pathway to finally feeling good. This is the pathway to stop comparing yourself and feeling that more, more, more feeling. It will only come from meditation and self-connection. And so, I encourage you to really honor those times, even if your meditation’s feel really restless right now, they will improve and get deeper and deeper as you go forth and you put more effort and more consistency into your meditations.
Kimberly: So, when I started meditating, I felt so restless and I felt like it was a bother, but I stuck with it. And over the years, there were times where I didn’t get into it as much and I did have a more lackluster, shall we say, enthusiasm for it. And then, there were times where I got really strong and really started strengthening four years ago, when my mom passed away. And the past year, with a pandemic and the birth of Moses and all these things that have just been coming up and through me, my practice has gotten deeper than ever, and I’ve also feel happier than I’ve ever felt. And so, I share this with you from the bottom of my heart, because I’m not paying you lip service. I’m not rattling off a bunch of nutritional facts, which I could also easily do. I share with you because I think this is the real pathway to getting past suffering and the real pathway to getting past these attachments and this clinginess, which never feels good and it has such a detrimental impact on our lives.
Kimberly: It makes us feel like we can’t really enjoy things. It makes us feel like we have to keep going and going and going, and we’re exhausted. And then, we start to break down and we just start to cry, like we just want to feel happy and peaceful. And I understand, so please take to heart what I have said today on this podcast. And please self-reflect, maybe journal, think about how this may apply to your life. Think about the attachments and the clinginess and all the ways that shows up. And then, think about what I said about the deeper connection to the true self, that is always available to you. And how you can start to really make room to connect and how you can really make room for consistency in your practice.
Thought of the Week
Kimberly: So, I want to leave you with a quote of the week, which I wrote as always, as I heard the topic right before the show. And what I wrote was, “The only way to feel good enough is not to do more or prove more, but instead to feel the truth of who you really are underneath the surface.” So, this isn’t about, as I say, doing more, getting more validation, proving yourself, getting more achievements. There’s none of those outward action steps that need to be hit or achieved. It’s about feeling, experiencing a deeper knowing of who you are. And again, that can really only come from meditation. So, I’ll reinforce that thought, I’ll leave you with that.
Kimberly: I send you so much love, and I will be back here on Monday for our next interview podcast. Till then, be sure to check out the show notes over at mysolluna.com, where we have recipes and meditations now, and we have meditations and so much beautiful community over on the app, which is the Solluna app by Kimberly Snyder. It’s in the app store, it’s free. There’s a membership portal for the Solluna Circle, which I definitely recommend that you join us and check out, for less than the cost of a yoga class a month. For 14.99, you will get real, deep healing and support from me on a regular basis and your sisters in the circle. And I do believe being in the circle will transform your whole life and I don’t say that lightly. I’ve seen it with so many of the members that are already transforming right before my eyes. So, I’ll leave you with that. Send you so much love, a big virtual hug. Take great care of yourself and see you back here in just a few days.