A Guide to Using Questions to Create Intimacy and Deeper Relationships with Topaz Adizes [Episode 947]

This week’s topic: Create Intimacy and Deeper Relationships 

Hello, everyone. Welcome back to our Monday Interview Show. I am so excited for my very special guest here with me today, Topaz Adizis, who is a Emmy Award-winning writer, director, and experienced design architect. This one really stood out to me on the bio. We’ll get into that in a moment, Topaz. He has a book out, which I absolutely love and has brought out a lot of emotions in me. It is called 12 Questions for Love, a Guide to Intimate Conversations and Deeper Relationships, which feels so aligned with all the heart work and the heart conversation that we’ve been having for some months now here in the community. Topaz’s work has been selected to Cannes, Sundance, IDFA, South by Southwest. He’s been featured in New Yorker Magazine, Vanity Fair, The New York Times.

 

About Topaz Adizes 

Topaz Adizes is an Emmy Award-winning writer, director, and experience design architect. He is an Edmund Hillary fellow and Sundance/Skoll stories of change fellow. His works have been selected to Cannes, Sundance, IDFA, and SXSW; featured in New Yorker magazine, Vanity Fair, and the New York Times; and have garnered an Emmy for new approaches to documentary and Two World Press photo awards for immersive storytelling and interactive documentary. He is currently the founder and executive director of the experience design studio The Skin Deep. Topaz studied philosophy at UC Berkeley and Oxford University. He speaks four languages, and currently lives in Mexico with his wife and two children.

 

Guest Resources

 Website:

Topazadizes.com

Social media:

• Instagram: @ topazadizes
• YouTube:The Skin Deep
• Tik Tok: The Skin Deep

Episode Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Topaz Adizis and His Work
01:55 Topaz’s Journey: From Childhood to Intimacy
06:00 The Importance of Connection and Intimacy
10:01 Navigating Relationships and Emotional Vulnerability
13:57 The Structure of Meaningful Conversations
18:12 Creating Safe Spaces for Deep Conversations
22:00 The Role of Deep Listening in Relationships
25:51 Healing Through Vulnerability and Shared Experiences
27:53 Healing Through Acknowledgment
30:06 Navigating Intimacy and Vulnerability
32:46 The Power of Deep Questions
35:39 Grounding in Relationships
36:41 Understanding Anger and Emotional Expression
39:19 The Impact of Childhood Experiences
40:41 The Body’s Role in Healing
44:38 Creating Safe Spaces for Conversations
47:14 The Art of Asking Questions

 

Episode Sponsors

LMNT

Right now, for my listeners LMNT is offering a free sample pack with any LMNT drink mix purchase at DrinkLMNT.com/FEELGOOD. That’s 8 single serving packets FREE with any LMNT any LMNT drink mix purchase. Get yours at DrinkLMNT.com/FEELGOOD. This deal is only available through my link.

USE LINK: DrinkLMNT.com/FEELGOOD

SUN WARRIOR

SUN WARRIOR : I highly recommend you visit sunwarrior.com today and don’t forget to enter my special discount code “KIMBERLY” at checkout to get 15% off my favorite protein powder. 

USE LINK: Sunwarrrior.com and enter code KIMBERLY at checkout to get 15% off

 

[RESOURCES / INFORMATION]

SOLLUNA PRODUCT LINKS

• Glowing Greens Powder™
• Feel Good SBO Probiotics
• Feel Good Detoxy
• Feel Good Digestive Enzymes
• Feel Good Starter Kit
• Feel Good Skincare

KIMBERLY’S BOOKS

• Chilla Gorilla & Lanky Lemur Journey to the Heart
• The Beauty Detox Solution
• Beauty Detox Foods
• Beauty Detox Power
• Radical Beauty
• Recipes For Your Perfectly Imperfect Life
• You Are More Than You Think You Are 

OTHER PODCASTS YOU MAY ENJOY!

• Wellness Insights: How to Listen to Your Body for Nutritional Guidance [Episode 878]
• How the Power Foods Diet helps with Weight Loss with Dr. Neal Barnard EP. 877
• How Not to Age with New York Times best-selling author Dr. Michael Greger [Episode #873]
• How to eat to reduce anxiety with Harvard nutritional psychiatrist Dr. Uma Naidoo [Episode #867]

 

Powered and Distributed by: PodcastOne

Transcript:

Kimberly Snyder (00:01.394)
Hello, everyone. Welcome back to our Monday Interview Show. I am so excited for my very special guest here with me today, Topaz Adizis, who is a Emmy Award-winning writer, director, and experienced design architect. This one really stood out to me on the bio. We’ll get into that in a moment, Topaz. He has a book out, which I absolutely love and has brought out a lot of emotions in me. It is called 12 Questions for Love, a Guide to Intimate Conversations and Deeper Relationships, which feels so aligned with all the heart work and the heart conversation that we’ve been having for some months now here in the community. Topaz’s work has been selected to Cannes, Sundance, IDFA, South by Southwest. He’s been featured in New Yorker Magazine, Vanity Fair, The New York Times.

Goes on and on. is also the father of two speaks four languages. Topaz, thank you so much for being here with us today.

Topaz (he/him) (01:07.128)
It’s great to be here. Thanks for welcoming me to your community, Kimberly. Thank you.

Kimberly Snyder (01:10.416)
Yeah, you know, we were talking before we got on the show. It feels like, you know, we’re here. We’re connected. We’ve known each other. This is, you when you get to a certain heart opening and I can tell that you have such a huge heart from your book and what you write and also on your on your channel, which has amazing, amazing videos called the skin deep. It’s like I can feel your heart already.

Topaz (he/him) (01:38.143)
Thank you. That says a lot. I appreciate that.

Kimberly Snyder (01:42.258)
So tell us a little bit how, I mean, we’ll get into the book in a moment, which are these really poignant questions. We’ll talk about deep listening. How did you get here?

Topaz (he/him) (01:47.073)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (01:55.313)
Do we have that long we’re like when you was someone like you asked me that question It’s like alright, let’s go for that 40 minutes roller coaster ride of a story I Bumbled my way through I guess I bounced into a few hard things in terms of I Grew up in Santa Monica just down the road from you to put yeah, I wrote to Santa Monica High School

Kimberly Snyder (02:12.178)
Where did you grow up?

Teachable!

Topaz (he/him) (02:19.532)
My parents were divorced early on. My dad lived in Pacific Palisades. My mom lived in Santa Monica as a 10 minute drive, but I would do that every Monday after school. My mom would take me to my dad’s house to collect my things. And then on Friday, my dad would pick me up and take me to my mom’s house to collect my things. So until I was 16 and could drive my own car, I was moving twice a week. So I became very kind of this home addict sensation when always carried everything with me between the two homes.

Kimberly Snyder (02:45.19)
Was it acrimonious or was it a peaceful split?

Topaz (he/him) (02:48.18)
No, no, it was, it was, I mean, it’s in the book where it was, it was very contentious. You know, they did the best they could. I was the oldest sibling of a sibling who’s 15 months younger than I. And so my way of trying to handle the destruction of the world that I was born into, cause you look at your parents, they’re gods, you know, at that age, three or four, they’re just gods, you know, they’re human gods. And when the gods are going at war with each other, you’re just trying to.

how do you hold the space? And I think that was, that was early on for me, that was the rupture that created the rapture. It’s the thing that broke.

Kimberly Snyder (03:23.868)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (03:34.472)
Do you think at that age were you able to feel very deeply or did you have walls that you built that had to then be dismantled?

Topaz (he/him) (03:47.34)
Definitely had walls that came up but I mean I had questions and the questions were like what? What what’s going on here? Where where’s connection? Where’s intimacy? Where’s like love? Where is?

Where are souls, where are the souls connecting here? Because clearly aren’t in my not a product of love. You know, you’d think that as a kid and you, my parents were very loving to us. So they love their children. And so it’s like, well, you love us so much. And you say that you love us so much. Why is there so much anima? Why can’t two people get along? And where’s the intimacy there? And that was at a very young age. And I try to mediate as a young person, literally mediate. in the book where I talk about the one day, you know, when I try to like come up with a contract between my parents, because

Kimberly Snyder (04:07.954)
I feel that.

Topaz (he/him) (04:31.372)
Court had not sorted it out. But anyways, the point is that I think that set off for me this kind of hung this pain point of searching for intimacy that then became a hunger that then converted into a gift and the gift is now through the work of the end in the book and the work that my team and I have been doing at the skin deep so

Kimberly Snyder (04:53.0)
was an amazing journey that spirit creates for each of us, which at the time can feel so challenging. And I remember in my journey, Topaz, feeling really alone and isolated, not understood, night throwing up in pots, having bulimia and eating disorders because I felt so much shame, so bad about myself. And then to…

Topaz (he/him) (05:09.944)
Mmm. Hmm.

Topaz (he/him) (05:14.594)
Hmm.

Kimberly Snyder (05:15.654)
You heal from that and want to help other people feel good, right? We don’t know how our journeys and all the challenges lead us to where we are today. This incredible healers journey, know, whatever you’ve been on.

Topaz (he/him) (05:30.048)
I mean I I get high off of connection and what I mean by that is you know, studied philosophy at Oxford for a year and I did rowing crew and That’s probably my frame even though I play a lot of soccer I love crew and why do I love crew because you’re on a boat you don’t see see people behind you are really in front of you and you have a rhythm and everyone is in faith doing the best they can to take that boat in rhythm and Harmony as fast as it can

Kimberly Snyder (05:54.481)
Mmm.

Topaz (he/him) (06:00.0)
Everyone is giving their old yeah, and and and and that’s what I love like I’m not sure I like humans But I love humanity and I think humanity is not inside of us. It’s what’s between us So how do we cultivate that space and that’s what I’ve been exploring for the last 11 years

Kimberly Snyder (06:00.124)
I love harmony. Yes, there’s coherence within the whole team.

Kimberly Snyder (06:18.898)
Topaz, how long have you been married?

Topaz (he/him) (06:22.832)
I’ve been I’ve met my wife six what it’s gonna be seven years ago in January 18th January 6 2018 I met my wife

Kimberly Snyder (06:32.52)
So writing about intimacy, all these questions. I can’t help but wonder about your relationship with your wife and how…

Topaz (he/him) (06:34.08)
What is that?

Topaz (he/him) (06:38.814)
You love my wife, she’s like a very, took me a long time. I met her when I was 42, 42 and a half. And I went through many explorations and really it was more about me developing myself, my presence, my ability to be.

Topaz (he/him) (07:00.194)
to be comfortable in discomfort, to like lean into that and not run away. Cause in my twenties and thirties, anytime I felt a little bit of intimacy, I ran away. And that would be a scar leftover from the divorce, a fear of being emotionally touched.

Kimberly Snyder (07:15.208)
You know, in the book, and I’m getting goosebumps again, there’s these questions, these really poignant, of course, like the title 12 questions. This one, what is the pain in me you wish you could heal and why? I had a very visceral reaction. Topaz, I almost started crying because it reminds me of my relationship with my husband. And it was this incredible love. And we got married within two months of meeting.

Topaz (he/him) (07:44.568)
Hmm.

Kimberly Snyder (07:45.064)
you know, got pregnant, moved into a house, and then all these wounds started coming up, right? Because we got so close, and I had never been so close. I always kept a distance in my other relationships. There was this pain. was like, what is this? You know, just abandonment, trauma, whatever, from my childhood because my mom went back to work when she was two weeks, when I was two weeks old, all these things. And I just thought about that question. We’ve been on this healing journey the whole, you know, five going on six years we’ve been married. But that question, Topaz, it was like, whoa.

Topaz (he/him) (08:05.464)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (08:15.88)
cut right through because mirrors to each other, right?

Topaz (he/him) (08:16.2)
Mm-hmm. That’s why it’s Or tailored made mirrors tailor-made and in some sense you get to choose what you reflect which makes us very unique I think we That’s something that I think we often forget is how are you reflecting other people back to themselves? Like if you’re conscientious of it if you’re not you’re just reflecting

But there is a way to conscientiously reflect back. Are you reflecting the positive stuff? Are you reflecting negative stuff? Are you reflecting the things? You know, what what are you how Taylor made reflections? That’s like one of the chapter titles and I think that is a beautiful thing to be aware of and how do you facilitate that you create the space and you ask well-constructed questions Which is basically what’s the distillation of the book? But so you you’ve been but you’ve been sorry you’ve been married five six years so you and I are like close in terms of Okay beautiful

Kimberly Snyder (08:45.254)
Is it a mask?

Kimberly Snyder (09:01.361)
You talk about

Kimberly Snyder (09:06.748)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (09:10.47)
It was just like, it was lightning. We met at a dinner party and we talked. And then I said, well, I got to leave because I do a beach walk in pretty much five hours. It was like two in the morning. He said, I’ll go on the beach walk. I said, really? Because it’s in five hours. So he shows up, tow paths. do this two hour walk. Amazing connection. And then I was like, well, don’t really ask guys to do anything, but I’m doing this thing for Levi’s tonight. It’s speaking for them. Do you want to come?

Topaz (he/him) (09:12.482)
Mm-hmm.

Topaz (he/him) (09:29.681)
Hahaha

Kimberly Snyder (09:40.114)
And he came. So we basically hung out three times in 24 hours. And then we didn’t see each other on Sunday. And then Monday we went to dinner and he told me he loved me. And all his friends said, no, no, he was really shied away from intimacy, never had a really serious partner, said he would never get married, even went in for a vasectomy, like all of the things. And it was just like, boom, you know, this like real like Shiva Shakti connection. So then it was amazing. But then again, these

Topaz (he/him) (09:50.029)
Wow.

Topaz (he/him) (10:01.334)
Wow.

Topaz (he/him) (10:07.0)
Mm-hmm.

Kimberly Snyder (10:10.034)
these deeper patterns, reactions, wounds come up when you, which it’s easy to avoid that when you’re not in partnership, as you know, and you can just sort of be on your own. So that’s why a lot of people don’t want to be intimate, because then they can reveal a lot.

Topaz (he/him) (10:13.866)
Mm-hmm.

Topaz (he/him) (10:21.012)
Mm-hmm totally totally Totally

Topaz (he/him) (10:29.248)
Absolutely, but I’ve seen that the stuff that comes up is fodder as nutrients as like the fertilizer For the rose that you can become right? Like these is the question is what do do with that? What do you do with that space and? one key like Distinction that has come up for me in this is just making a very distinction strong distinction not confounding safety with comfort any like

You can be safe and you can be uncomfortable. That’s actually where you want to be and oftentimes we get uncomfortable say wait, wait, it’s not safe. Just make sure Wait, am I uncomfortable or is it really not safe? And make that make sure you’re making that clear distinction and we could talk about what that means But for me is you know, if I go jumping on a bungee if I go bungee jumping In theory, I’m safe because these people have tested the bungee cord. They’ve done a thousand times and they’re trained. I’m safe I’m not gonna hit the ground

Kimberly Snyder (11:00.026)
Mmm.

Topaz (he/him) (11:23.746)
But am I uncomfortable? Absolutely am I uncomfortable. And after I jump and I finish it, my life experience is gonna be that much richer. Relationships can be the same. Are you in a safe space? Is there mutual trust and respect? Are there boundaries? Is there like a mutual understanding of where you’re going and acknowledgement of who the other person is and their point of view and responsibility for your own? And then do we go into discomfort? And then that’s where we can construct the growth, in my opinion. That’s what I’ve seen.

Kimberly Snyder (11:52.23)
Yeah, I really relate to that Topaz and also for me to feel safe in me first, which means being in my heart, really feeling, okay, this is me versus all the thoughts, the insecurities up here. So I can feel grounded and like you said, then have more challenging conversations, but from the heart, not the ego, not saying just, you the masks. that’s really, I can say it’s accelerated the relationship, even my husband.

with my business partner, John, with all the people around me because, you know, it does start with self. So I had an interesting thought, Topaz, and I know if other people have said this to you, this is, you know, in relationship, I almost feel like someone could ask these questions and read this book for themself, right? They could journal these questions to know themself better. Has anyone ever said that to you?

Topaz (he/him) (12:27.276)
Mm-hmm.

Topaz (he/him) (12:39.042)
to themselves. Absolutely. No, absolutely. it’s, you know, it’s kind of marketed for romantic, but it’s not. It’s for anyone you’re intimate with. It could be with your dad. It could be with your brother. It could be with your sister, your best friend, anyone that you’re intimate with to have this conversation. And I think what’s, you know, where it comes from with the listeners, just look for the last, last, for the last 11 years, I’ve been, my team and I have been holding the space for people to come into a room where they face each other. And we,

Kimberly Snyder (12:46.376)
Right.

Topaz (he/him) (13:07.32)
Give them questions to ask one another. And we’ve done over 1200 pairs, 1200 conversations in 10 countries for the last 10, 11 years. And so the editor, Jill was like, Topa, who’s a fan of this Kindeep and the end videos was like, what have you learned? And what would be the 12 questions that are the meat and the potatoes that are, you know, that really work? So that’s really what’s in the book. And more importantly than the 12 questions is why the questions work, how to construct good questions, how to create the space.

Kimberly Snyder (13:14.493)
Wow.

Kimberly Snyder (13:33.778)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (13:36.268)
how to even sequence them, how to create the exploration through your relationship because it’s a journey. The conversation is a journey, but so is the relationship, right?

Kimberly Snyder (13:44.784)
Were you envisioning someone creating the space one time or a series of times, going in one question at a time? How would you suggest people use?

Topaz (he/him) (13:54.08)
No, no you you want to do those 12 questions in one sitting for sure Absolutely, there’s no doubt you don’t because they’re constructed in a certain way like the one you brought up What’s the pain in me? wish you could heal and why that is the climax question. There’s two climax questions. There are questions Seven and eight Those are the those are two climax questions you you know, you could go to that question and start there but actually if you follow the journey and you construct

Kimberly Snyder (13:57.384)
Kimberly Snyder (14:07.911)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (14:14.705)
Yes.

Topaz (he/him) (14:24.46)
the conversation by starting with the first three questions, which harks back to the uniqueness of your relationship, to what sets you off, that built the trust and the love and the intimacy to begin with, created unique experiences that you both have and cherish. Then you lean into conflict with questions four, five, and six. Now, when we go to number seven, which is the climax question, which is really deep, you’re going to answer that in a different way because of the conversation you’ve had in the preceding six questions. so there’s a structure.

Kimberly Snyder (14:30.864)
Yes.

Kimberly Snyder (14:50.874)
Yes, there’s a rhythm.

Topaz (he/him) (14:53.89)
There’s architecture. You’re wondering about why experience design architect? Because it’s not just a design, it’s also an architecture. And there’s a difference, in my opinion.

Kimberly Snyder (15:01.768)
It’s like a chef, there’s an appetizer and then there’s the main course.

Topaz (he/him) (15:05.1)
Totally totally or like a film, you know, there’s a structure to it or just and that enables You know a different kind of experience right then when you ask random questions, which we have two on our decks We have 15 decks. You can ask random questions almost act like tarot cards and they have a power to But in a structured conversation, that’s another thing I learned is just structuring the questions in a way

Kimberly Snyder (15:23.698)
Right?

Yes.

Topaz (he/him) (15:32.6)
that you can really go to the depths or to the heights of a relationship and explore around.

Kimberly Snyder (15:39.08)
What would you say to someone listening or watching this that says, you know, this sounds amazing, Topaz. Like, I really want more to create more intimacy. My partner doesn’t have many words, not really in touch with feelings. It’s very challenging to feel, crave this intimacy. I’m ready for it. Not sure, you know, they are yet.

Kimberly Snyder (16:04.892)
Would you say just start and see what comes out of it? Repeat, like do this as a ritual over time.

Topaz (he/him) (16:05.098)
I would say.

Yeah, I would.

Topaz (he/him) (16:12.384)
I would say, I would say that there are many forms of intimacy. So maybe the intimacy they’re sharing or they’re comfortable with is different than the one you are or the one that you desire. So let’s be aware of that. And secondly, you get good at what you practice. So let’s invite them into a space to have the conversation of which you have to let go of what you want to have happen. The fact that they’re going to engage with that conversation to begin with with you is enough.

Kimberly Snyder (16:29.553)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (16:42.968)
And they’re not gonna, they’re going to be them. have to allow them to be behind because you talked about the heart and speaking from the heart to feel grounded. And the thing that comes up for me is that we have the mind that’s built to protect and the heart is built to connect. So how do you create the space for the heart to come out and speak? Therefore you need to create the space and we can. So when you create the space, which is basically articulating your intention, not articulating.

Kimberly Snyder (16:49.789)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (16:58.62)
Yes.

Topaz (he/him) (17:11.352)
Your agenda not coming at it with an agenda sometimes in your partnership or Someone comes and you can feel like they want to get you to apologize They want to get you to take responsibility for something they want you to say you’re sorry, whatever you feel it and so you’re not so they ask you a question which is fully loaded with kind of You know an agenda. It’s like they’re asking a question to get to where they want to get to So you’re not actually coming out with the heart. You’re coming out with the brain to protect

Kimberly Snyder (17:15.89)
Mmm.

Kimberly Snyder (17:24.156)
But you can feel it, trying to get something.

Topaz (he/him) (17:41.656)
The head so how How do you so if you come to the space with saying hey? This is where I’m starting from not where I’m ending up. I don’t know we’re gonna end up This is where it’s time from I would like to have a conversation about this and you set up a game of boundaries So you understand why these questions are coming up and from where so? Simple example like we have these card games what’s great about the card games because they’re a game and it creates a space just by that It’s a game versus example

Kimberly Snyder (17:41.862)
Yeah, it creates a wall.

Topaz (he/him) (18:12.044)
Your partner comes home and maybe you have a different relationship, but generally for most listeners, let’s say your partner come home and just says Kimberly, why do you love me? You’re not wondering why you love them immediately you’re one your most most of the time you’re wondering wait, where’s this coming from? Where’s this coming from? That’s your mind going wait, what’s going on here? Or if they come out of the order they come home and they say Kimberly I have tell you you’re the most meaningful

Kimberly Snyder (18:27.933)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (18:32.1)
This is out of the ordinary.

Topaz (he/him) (18:40.748)
You’re not really receiving all that because you’re again wondering wait, where’s this coming from? When you pull out a game for instance, we say hey, let’s play this book and the question comes out. Why do you love me? Okay Now you know why they’re asking you because it’s a game because we’re having a conversation the book The space has been created the rules have been created the boundaries are created. So you’re like, I get why they’re asking me this question or I get why they’re telling me that so now the space is for you to give and to receive and oftentimes we don’t

Kimberly Snyder (18:59.975)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (19:08.368)
Yes.

Topaz (he/him) (19:10.008)
We don’t create those spaces. I mean, just by articulating our intention, hey, this is what we’re doing. This is the game we’re playing. This is the space we’re in. Let’s try this out.

Kimberly Snyder (19:20.114)
Well, this is so needed today, Topaz, because I know a lot of people say, know, for us as parents, people are like, you should go on day night. And I said, that sounds like the worst thing in the world. We live up in the mountains, going to get dressed after a long day, go down the hill, sit in a restaurant, wait for the food. I’d rather cook myself. So my husband and I just love to be together. So people can go to the movies and not even talk or they’re on screens, whatever it is, you know, versus really.

Topaz (he/him) (19:31.224)
you

Topaz (he/him) (19:39.223)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (19:50.44)
cutting through and connecting.

Topaz (he/him) (19:52.002)
But yeah, but sometimes it’s so his parents or in date we are We we tread sim the same path very often because it becomes easy, right? You kind of let’s go out to dinner We’ll go to that spot and we do the same thing. We have the same conversations What we want to do is throw in a question That creates two different things to connect Creates a space there’s many ways to do that but you want to create a

So you go well, let’s think about that You know like a deep one would be You’re there you go. What’s the favorite lie? What do you think’s the favorite lie? We love telling ourselves in this relationship?

Kimberly Snyder (20:37.232)
Wow.

Topaz (he/him) (20:39.138)
Can’t answer that because you rarely ask that right? I mean, what’s the truth that we hate telling ourselves in this relationship?

Topaz (he/him) (20:50.144)
Now you have to like connect to ideas. have to search for that. And I think that’s, there’s anything I’ve learned from this experience of 11 years in the book and watching people that it’s all about the questions and we are so focused on the answers.

Kimberly Snyder (21:06.412)
That’s what I was going to say. You talk about deep listening in the book. What would you say to someone that’s like, well, I know this person is going to ask me back. So what am I going to say versus opening up to really being present?

Topaz (he/him) (21:20.268)
Well, it leads you to different conversation, right? If you’re listening, how often times, most of the time we listen to people so that we can react, so that we can, again, get it is what it is we want. Whether it’s you want to win the argument, whether you want them to get to certain solution, whatever it is, you’re in a response with your head, which is like your security guard versus your heart, which is there to connect with the other heart. So how do we tap into the heart? Pause, breathe, listen to the body. Why do we breathe?

because the breathe is access point to listening to the body. So deep listening is feeling to listen, listening to feel. If you speak with the body, which is access point for the heart,

Kimberly Snyder (22:00.188)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (22:03.512)
you will have a different conversation than you normally have because usually our minds are the ones talking.

Kimberly Snyder (22:09.34)
What about distraction, Topaz? What if, you know, someone brings this book to dinner or on a hike, would you say the space means eye contact, set aside time?

Topaz (he/him) (22:18.112)
I I think I think setting aside time and putting the phones away I Mean when you’re a kid and you play on the playground Who do you play with you usually play with the kids that like it’s clear what the rules are Whatever the rules are just you know that where the boundaries are the boundaries make you feel safe

Kimberly Snyder (22:22.663)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (22:33.616)
What about what about not looking at each other like you’re walking?

Topaz (he/him) (22:36.844)
Well, think that depends. One of the things that we do in the end productions when people come in is the first 30 seconds and we suggest when you play is get grounded by looking at each other in the eye for 30 seconds. If looking the eyes uncomfortable, you don’t have to look at each other. I find that incredibly powerful. But if that’s too much, just breathe together for 30 seconds. Whatever it is ground into the space to be present in the space because every moment is once in a lifetime.

Kimberly Snyder (22:57.65)
Mmm.

Kimberly Snyder (23:05.66)
Yes.

Topaz (he/him) (23:05.784)
Every moment is once in a lifetime. You’re about to have a conversation with someone and this person reflects your life You never ever ever see yourself maybe in the mirror maybe in a picture but in reality like you never see yourself You can only see yourself through the reflection of others So when you’re having a conversation Are you being present to the conversation to fully reap the reflection of the other so you could bask in a more fulfilling moment more fulfilling life and the thing is

This sounds great and everything but it’s harder to do because we learn by modeling We don’t know how to have these quality conversations because we we don’t learn we learn it from our family and maybe our friend group and I just feel really privileged and honored to have this that life has brought my team and I into a place where We’ve sat and watched over 1200 humans Pairs pairs of humans or 2,400 of them sit down face each other

and answer really well-constructed questions in a space that we create for them. And that’s a great learning experience. It’s a great privilege. It’s deepened my ability to communicate with people. Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (24:12.434)
incredible. Incredible. Topaz, tell me what you’ve learned from this ritual, these 12 questions for love reflected back to you from your wife.

Kimberly Snyder (24:29.168)
Or one thing, I’m sure you’ve learned a lot of things. Infinite thanks, right?

Topaz (he/him) (24:30.288)
No, please don’t I mean I’ve learned a lot of things but I think the question about what have I learned Well, my wife loves the game and she doesn’t like any game. She doesn’t like Monopoly She doesn’t like she doesn’t like any games because she’s like there’s always a winner And she likes this game because there’s no winning It’s like being The other person who really loves the game of my family is my my younger brother who’s 18 years younger than I

Kimberly Snyder (24:46.877)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (24:56.716)
He’s he’s and we’ve been around 11 years. So he’s 30 now, but when he came out when he was 20 He loved it then too, and he just loves having these conversations and

Kimberly Snyder (25:06.578)
Does he have a partner?

Topaz (he/him) (25:07.896)
Yeah, he has a partner now and and What have I learned? I mean what I’ve learned. Okay, I’ll tell you I’ve learned two things One is to the question said because when I wrote the book I said, okay

What’s the pain of me you wish you could heal and why that one always works? It’s always takes a pause and everyone takes a moment and it’s heartfelt and it opens things up But the thing that comes up for me is like can you heal someone else’s pain? And I was wondering about that because it’s my opinions in the book and with my wife I was wondering about that and we talked about it I sit there and I realize I Can’t heal her pain only she can heal her pain But what I can do is am I creating the space by holding the space so it’s conducive to our healing

Kimberly Snyder (25:30.84)
yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (25:47.495)
Yes.

Topaz (he/him) (25:51.134)
How am I doing that? So sometimes we’re in a vulnerable place and there’s pain and it’s come up and it’s there You know oftentimes people talk about the vulnerability and you think of vulnerability you think of the vulnerability that someone has in sharing and being in that dark space of the emotion There’s also a vulnerability. We have to recognize in the person listening

Kimberly Snyder (26:10.6)
Hmm

Topaz (he/him) (26:12.568)
Maybe it’s a reflection of your relationship and I’m part of the relationship and I have to sit there and instead of trying to fix it I have to listen there and feel your pain because I’m part of that because of our relationship are dynamic or similarly I Want to jump in and fix it right and I can’t there’s a pain for me. There’s also association There is a vulnerability in the listening to we hold that space and that’s one thing I’ve learned because many times my wife and I get into it I’m reacting in this and it’s just a creep reminder of hey, this is

It’s actually not about me and it’s not about her. It’s about us and how are we holding the space for each other to sit in the discomfort of questions, to sit in the discomfort of trauma being healed, patterns being broken, things shifting. Are we sitting in that discomfort or are we racing for answers to get rid of the pain?

Kimberly Snyder (27:08.644)
There’s a phrase you use in the book, bringing things out of the dark. That’s very, it struck me. I wrote it down in my notes and there’s this quote from Yogananda and he says, I’m paraphrasing here, but basically a cave can be in darkness for 10,000 years. Bring in the light and it’s as if the dark never was. So we don’t want to oversimplify healing trauma. Of course, there can be layers, there can be many patterns. Sometimes professional healing is warranted.

but there is so much healing in bringing things out through these questions, through talking about, you know, things that don’t usually get talked about. isn’t the light of awareness shown on them. What have you seen with these 1200 conversations in terms of almost, I would say instantaneous healing, but at least a level of, yeah, let’s call it healing. Just find from something being unearthed or brought out that was

Topaz (he/him) (27:53.764)
Definitely think so

Kimberly Snyder (28:07.58)
hidden away. So it’s almost like when you have a splinter and it’s creating inflammation in your body. And then it’s like, when it’s out, now the healing can start. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt.

Topaz (he/him) (28:13.098)
Mm-hmm Mm-hmm Because we acknowledge it we look at it and we do what we can to start handling it and oftentimes Look in my experience of life and what I’ve seen is that

The longer you push it away The more kind of scar tissue builds around it and the way life is designed is that at some point it’s gonna throw something your way that forces you to contend with that If there’s a lot of scar tissue around it, you have to start bending and it’s a really painful But if you’ve been bending and practicing and making a resilient when that thing comes you’re ready to handle it So in many relationships, maybe there’s things you don’t talk about and you don’t talk about and you don’t talk about you don’t talk about

Kimberly Snyder (28:46.248)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (29:02.392)
Because it’s the elephant in the room or it’s too sensitive or it’s too painful or you don’t look at it something is gonna happen in life that requires you to look at it and Then how prepared are you to handle it? It might be so painful That it might break things apart who I don’t know what will happen, but you’re gonna have to content with it the reckoning comes so

By facing that and by by stretching and practicing was the resilience of being in safe spaces Albeit is uncomfortable. It’s a great practice and what’s key is safe spaces, right? I’m making that distinction between is it safe or is it just uncomfortable? You want to make sure it’s safe if it’s not safe You know, then we’re like in a toxic realm and then we’re placing that I think something someone recently told me

Kimberly Snyder (29:43.912)
Mmm.

Topaz (he/him) (29:54.72)
Isn’t it? You think that sometimes distance is healing. Sometimes you need the distance. And I said, yeah, maybe. I’m still, I’m working on that one. I’m working on

Kimberly Snyder (30:06.716)
Well, because of the childhood you had, Topaz, what were your relationships like? mean, now it sounds like you right? Okay, so you kept intimacy at a distance until your wife or was there another relationship?

Topaz (he/him) (30:13.388)
I ran away. I ran away.

my God, I mean, yeah, yeah. No, it was like I was slowly improving and practicing at it for sure. And it wasn’t like just I met her and she healed it. No, no, no, no. I’ve been practicing and I was practicing and evolving and growing and challenging myself. I mean, at 20s I was chasing what I call emotional terrorists. Just emotionally terrorized me. But I put myself in that position.

Kimberly Snyder (30:25.991)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (30:46.742)
Where I was chasing people who would run away because my self-esteem was so low That it could only feel good if they turned around and loved me for a moment And then I had a neighbor who’s an amazing woman in each and she says topaz the thing is It’s you right because what happens if they stop and they turn around and they love on you and they want to be intimate with you and they really Are present for you. What do you do? I say I run away I can feel the stomach ache in my chest my stomach I run away

Kimberly Snyder (30:46.834)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (30:57.128)
you

Kimberly Snyder (31:15.752)
It’s like I don’t deserve this.

Topaz (he/him) (31:17.342)
No, so i’m only deserve the chasing of someone else that you can’t have so it’s like i’m it’s like It’s like, know, it’s like the the donkey that is propelled forward because there’s a stick on its back And in front of this at the end of stick is a carrot and this carrot’s always four feet in front of the donkey and just keep going forward But we’ll never get the carrot It’s like I chase people like that

Kimberly Snyder (31:40.68)
Do you still think it’s in there a bit?

Topaz (he/him) (31:43.808)
No, because once I realized that it was like, and then because then in the future, that’s why I started progressing was that when I wouldn’t meet other kind of what were emotional terrorists for me, I said, I’m not going there. No matter how attractive it was, no matter how much I wanted the hit of that pattern. I was like, no, I’m not going back there. I’m not going to and, and, and what happened with me and my wife in the sense was that when I met her,

Kimberly Snyder (32:04.402)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (32:13.748)
It was clearly this is the most amazing soul I’ve met I Don’t know where this script goes. I don’t know where how this movie ends. I’ve been on other movies I know though how those movies go. I know how to play that movie over and over again. I love that movie. It’s a lot of fun But this script I’ve never been on before I think it’s about time I go on this script and I’m prepared for this script because I’m grounded you know, and I’m in a place now where like

Kimberly Snyder (32:21.074)
Hmm.

Topaz (he/him) (32:43.297)
I’m ready for this.

Kimberly Snyder (32:46.728)
So along the journey, when did you start asking each other deep questions? How early into the relationship was you?

Topaz (he/him) (32:56.36)
I she said what he with the first when we met we met and she’s at some point like four hours in she’s like So what what do you what’s your story? Like what do you do? Like, how do you know? What do you do? I say I’m like I sell questions And that was like what you sell what that she was ready for it and that was Yeah, I think but I think what really There’s a number of things that were lined up we were both much

Kimberly Snyder (33:13.544)
So she was ready for it.

Topaz (he/him) (33:24.488)
Older we weren’t not young were like I was in my early 40s. She’s in late 30s and we both

I

Topaz (he/him) (33:58.88)
Architecture where like I buy into this narrative of like there’s a masculine energy and a feminine energy It’s not a gender It’s an energy and I can be a mask feminine energy sometimes when I do this or that and I can tap and I can be masculine But in the core relationship with my partner to complement it’s like a masculine energy and for me masculine energy is grounding itself in the earth being a stock like a plant of which the pollen lands on so the focus is not me chasing and running

Kimberly Snyder (34:08.402)
Mm-hmm.

Kimberly Snyder (34:23.175)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (34:27.408)
Looking which is what I was doing for 20 30s and 30s. It was grounding ground ground ground and have faith that the universe will bring the complementary energy into your life and Be prepared to sit with it sit be with it and that’s where I put a lot of my energy

Kimberly Snyder (34:32.337)
Hmm.

Kimberly Snyder (34:47.432)
Well, it’s interesting to do the work that you’ve done besides your romantic partner. You had to build a team around you, someone that, you know, was inspired by your vision. And I’m sure people on your team are very much curious and into the work as well. So you being grounded was necessary for you to attract the right, you know, production team and people around you.

Topaz (he/him) (35:09.548)
Yeah, I think when I started at 37, I’m not sure if I was grounded. I think I was like an intense train that was a skyrocket going for something and people were attracted to the trip. I think I’ve gone more, I’ve definitely gone more grounded in the journey of building this comp, this experience design studio, the Skin D. That’s been a huge evolution for me from artist, which is floating around more to more of like a grounded.

Business-oriented person and that was a painful journey. It led to depression went through depression. It went through Not being able to walk or exercise for years because I and ultimately I got back surgery which changed a lot Which I put yeah. Yeah, it’s like I mean I Don’t know what deep is or how to quantum or like to compare it but for me I was yeah for me. I was yeah where you

Kimberly Snyder (35:47.304)
Mmm.

Mmm.

Kimberly Snyder (35:54.706)
Really, like deep depression.

Kimberly Snyder (36:03.885)
Well, let’s say extended period.

Topaz (he/him) (36:08.834)
I mean, I got out of bed, but it took me two hours, you know? And it was for long periods and I couldn’t walk really well and I was in pain. I couldn’t stand more than 10 minutes. And so there was a long, there’s an arc there of like, personally, you there’s the intimate thing, but also the act of building a business and that act and learning.

Kimberly Snyder (36:11.805)
Mmm.

Topaz (he/him) (36:33.814)
learning how to see things in a different way that’s more sustainable than as an artist, because I was an artist for a very long time.

Kimberly Snyder (36:41.34)
They say that depression can be masked anger. Do you express anger openly to Topaz?

Topaz (he/him) (36:48.064)
yeah, it’s usually an explosion that’s like so quickly brought back within seconds, but it is an explosion and sometimes you’re like, what’s that about? And that’s that is the thing that that’s where a lot of my work now is and

Kimberly Snyder (37:02.46)
Mm-hmm.

Topaz (he/him) (37:04.972)
It’s a lot of anger. I got a lot of anger.

Kimberly Snyder (37:07.718)
Yeah, do you have any sort of spiritual practice like meditation or?

Topaz (he/him) (37:13.512)
Walk on the beach every morning for an hour is a son of right? Yeah, I’m right here on the beach. I walk on the beach. I

Kimberly Snyder (37:15.836)
Yeah, your nature. Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (37:25.932)
That’s it. I walk on the beach. That’s what I do barefoot on the beach.

Kimberly Snyder (37:27.622)
Yeah. There’s a lot of energy and anger. know, and starts to, if you get transmuted, you start to work with it, just like you’re working with your questions. I feel like, you know, it comes out even more creativity and vitality, but it’s like a big energy.

Topaz (he/him) (37:34.999)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (37:47.046)
Yeah, it’s something that when I, well, it’s a slight tangent, but I’ve noticed that the people who are closest to me get the most anger and I obviously get them. Yeah. Like, so the farther out you are, the nicer I am. the less the anger comes up, but the closer you get to me, the more, the higher the standards, the more the anger, the more the judgment.

Kimberly Snyder (37:58.152)
It’s from you.

Kimberly Snyder (38:04.07)
Yeah, yeah, makes sense.

Topaz (he/him) (38:11.66)
And then obviously like I’m at the epicenter of that so I can only imagine how tough I’m being to myself but I but I am so used to it that it’s so actually my Treatment of my wife when I’m angry or my children the judgment when that comes up. It’s like, that’s not good but Wow, I must be really bad for how I treat myself and I’m not even aware of it So there’s a lot of work there. And that’s what I mean. I’m doing the work which is sitting with that being with that doing some

Kimberly Snyder (38:16.548)
Ugh.

Kimberly Snyder (38:34.63)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (38:42.048)
I always shake it up. I have to shake it up every two years. have to go do something. Two, three years, I have to do something intense that shakes it up because if I don’t shake it up, I’m talking about my connection to my own patterns and psyche, then, and I don’t really, if I don’t really bring the mirror up, then something in life will happen that will make it really painful. So I have to always shake it up every two, three years.

Kimberly Snyder (39:10.632)
Do you think the root is what happened with your parents?

Topaz (he/him) (39:19.209)
No, I think it was not being seen from like, you know, after it’s not just divorce, it’s after.

Kimberly Snyder (39:30.278)
You know, have you read this book that your body keeps the score?

Topaz (he/him) (39:33.826)
Yeah Totally, I mean

Kimberly Snyder (39:37.882)
When I read that book, it was like, where he talks about neglect, including not being seen as the most, in some ways, the most damaging type of trauma, because it’s not just a one time, like a car accident or an incident that you can work on, but it’s

over so many years. So it’s like unlearning.

Topaz (he/him) (39:55.832)
Yeah. That’s why, but that’s why I love, for instance, doing yoga, which is not a practice or I used to do five rhythms dance a lot, which when I was living in New York, that was a practice, you know, twice a week, three times a week. But I love the idea that when you’re moving or you’re stretching or anything, and then to sit in it, especially like yin yoga, you know, and then these thoughts come up and these narratives come out and these emotions come up and it’s not your mind wondering, it’s something being released in the body.

Kimberly Snyder (40:11.336)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (40:25.544)
the body’s the hardware for the software of your experience and doing a physical movement opens up that software to come out and that’s Something that yeah, I like that’s why I love movement

Kimberly Snyder (40:29.138)
Yeah. yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (40:41.584)
Yeah, I think that so much gets released somatically through the body and it’s all energy, right? The body is more dense and then it goes into the unseen, it goes into the mental and the emotional and spiritual energies. But it’s something I’ve been focusing on a lot, even myself recently, Topaz, we even had a show about healing trauma through the body, I believe last week, because it’s been…

Top of mind for me, when you start to get those aches and pains and I’m like, okay, there’s something that needs to be released, It’s like different levels, the talking, the questions, for me meditation, like silent healing, but also physical is very powerful.

Topaz (he/him) (41:19.318)
Mm-hmm.

Topaz (he/him) (41:24.45)
Well, that’s why for me deep listening is you’re in conversation, but you’re listening through the body And that elicits a different conversation. That’s why Deep listening is for me is that and I just learned that from watching Pairs doing the end just wow. Why is this conversation? know, if you go this can deep and you type in Ben and Sidra Ben and Sidra are two amazing I everyone’s one like every story is just epic in the sense that they’re all different

Kimberly Snyder (41:32.08)
Yes.

Kimberly Snyder (41:40.934)
Right?

Topaz (he/him) (41:53.002)
Every relationship is its own planet stone world and we have over 1200 of them Right its own reality. And so Bennett Sidra who’ve been on nine times I mean the first time they came on was two weeks before Sidra gave birth the last time she came on she’s playing the end with Naya who’s nine and They’ve been on over time now. They’re the parents of two and we’ve tracked them And that’s what’s beautiful thing about the project is that not only do have breath?

Kimberly Snyder (41:56.456)
On reality.

Kimberly Snyder (42:08.184)
Kimberly Snyder (42:15.122)
Wow.

Topaz (he/him) (42:20.056)
But we have depth over time. People come back here after a year or every two years and you see them grow and change. So it’s a beautiful project. But I remember watching Ben and Sidra in their conversation and others, but it really hit me with Ben at first. He wouldn’t start talking until him and his wife were making eye contact. And he always took a breath before responding or answering the question. He took a breath before she would respond and you could see him dropping into his body.

And their conversations are quite beautiful. And then I said wait, what’s going on here? I start noticing in other pairs Yeah, so I start no, yeah, no, no, they’re just I mean we what’s beautiful is again is on it honor and privileged position is that I Have a library it’s available on YouTube of over 1200 pairs all kinds that you can imagine all kinds all kinds of relationship This is it on our YouTube channel. It’s on our YouTube channel. It’s also on the Instagram channel, but

Kimberly Snyder (42:54.3)
Really, without saying anything, you didn’t promise them to do that.

Kimberly Snyder (43:12.207)
Is this at the Skin Deep channel?

Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (43:18.848)
It’s there and you can watch these and.

You know the story of your life the expression of your relationship in an intimate conversation can be medicine for me and for others Right and the same for me the expression of my life that can be medicine for you for others And so that’s what we have this beautiful library and then watching all these I started tracking this this Behavior which is these are leading to different kinds of conversations because people are speaking through the body Before the immediate response they’re listening to the body. They’re taking a breath

Kimberly Snyder (43:29.788)
Mmm. Yes.

Kimberly Snyder (43:48.956)
Wow.

Topaz (he/him) (43:52.098)
Breath is the thing that locks them in. here I’m feeling that. Take a pause. Don’t just respond. Don’t react. What am I feeling here? Ooh. When you say that, when you ask that, this is what I feel. This is what’s coming up. Or even not just responding, but feeling through the body. You know, the body keeps score, but let the body speak.

Kimberly Snyder (44:12.488)
It’s true. It’s true. It’s a tuning in. So back to the book for a moment, Topaz. If someone’s like, it’s like dipping, there’s different levels, right? Let’s say somebody wants to change their lifestyle. Some people do a complete overhaul. Some people say, I’m just going to change a little bit. What if someone’s listening to this or their partner’s like, well, I’m ready to answer some of these questions. I’m not, I don’t feel safe answering everything, right? We had to create a safe space.

Topaz (he/him) (44:16.012)
Mm-hmm.

Topaz (he/him) (44:38.252)
Totally Totally so the rules of the game because in creating with space it’s about safety So you create the intention your ticket intention and there’s also the rules the boundaries The rules of this game is that you don’t have to answer any question you don’t want You have to ask every question But you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want and here’s why that’s key because it’s not about the answers It’s about sitting in the discomfort of the question That’s what’s key

Kimberly Snyder (44:48.743)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (44:53.306)
Okay.

Okay.

Kimberly Snyder (45:05.745)
Mmm.

Topaz (he/him) (45:08.576)
And when you go to couples therapy, which could be super helpful, who’s holding the space? The therapist is holding the space and the therapist is asking the questions. So what happens when you go home? we have to have this conversation. Where do we go? We wait for a week till our next meeting, till our next appointment. What this is doing is creating the, the ability for you and your partner to sit in spaces where you’re comfortable in the discomfort of the questions. You don’t have to answer the question.

Kimberly Snyder (45:19.932)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (45:35.58)
Mmm.

Topaz (he/him) (45:38.418)
That’s something important to your first question. You said well, what about if someone wants to play with their partner? their partner doesn’t want to play it’s like you have to come with intention of creating the space for them to be who they are and Accepting that because oftentimes there’s one person who’s like I want to have this deep conversation when we cry this it’s like well That’s not pushing because then you’re in it and you have an agenda and they can feel it It’s not welcoming the heart out. What’s welcoming the heart out is I love you I want to create this space for you to be who you are. We’re gonna ask these acceptance you can

Kimberly Snyder (45:53.074)
Yeah

Kimberly Snyder (46:05.125)
Acceptance.

Topaz (he/him) (46:07.542)
And then it’s a practice do it every week do it on your date night Do it every night when you watch, know, you watch the fight you watch We have some pairs who in the morning. They’ll take out a question from one of the decks every morning for coffee They’re just take out a random question and they’ll talk about and that’s their morning conversation where they do that for the sunset every Thursday We sit and watch the sunset and we’ll pull out three or four questions And we’ll just talk about that and there’s a power in the question

Kimberly Snyder (46:12.189)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (46:26.364)
Wow.

Topaz (he/him) (46:36.748)
And there’s a deeper power in the one who’s asking the question There’s a power dynamic there if you’re sitting there with your partner and they ask a question It’s like wait, why are we asking that question? Why are we talking about that? Which is fair enough. Maybe it’s a great question Maybe it’s not but there’s a power dynamic and when it’s coming from a book when it’s coming from a game Where it’s a random question coming out the power dynamic is not there. You’re both in it. There’s equanimity and that helps creating the space to have a helpful conversation and just to

Kimberly Snyder (47:05.672)
Amazing.

Topaz (he/him) (47:06.525)
Just to land the plan on a slightly just to give you a little sight of like the technology using the questions

Topaz (he/him) (47:14.552)
Take home value you’re having a conversation with someone and you want to have an exploratory conversation create a safe space Like the questions reinforce the safe space is just add the words Do you feel? Or add the word do you think to the question? So if I say if we’re in a relationship say Kimberly, why is our relationship so challenging? What is our biggest challenge right now? that question Makes you the arbiter of the objective truth

So whatever you’re gonna say you’re like, this is why our relationship is challenging. This is the big it’s like, okay wait No, I don’t think that’s what is but if I just say hey Kimmy Why do you think what do you think is the biggest challenge in our relationship? Why do you think our relationship? Do you think do you feel? That’s your subjective experience See, I can’t argue with that. It also creates a space for you to say it and you create the space for me to hear it Without a sense of I’m not making you the arbiter of the objective absolute truth

Kimberly Snyder (48:02.023)
Hmm

Kimberly Snyder (48:09.884)
Yeah, beautiful.

Topaz (he/him) (48:13.132)
Those are little things we do with the questions. also put bunchy chords on the questions that are designed so that people are inclined to go deeper, but yet can come back. So for instance, if I say, when was the last time I disappointed you most, Kimberly?

Kimberly Snyder (48:15.313)
I love that.

Topaz (he/him) (48:31.252)
You’re be thinking okay, I can definitely tell him when I disappointed the most but am I gonna go there? Should I because what are we gonna do with that answer? Where’s that gonna go? If I add a bungee cord to the question, which means it allows you to go deep but brings you back. They say Kimberly What was the last time I disappointed you most and why do think I did it?

Kimberly Snyder (48:53.127)
Mmm.

Topaz (he/him) (48:54.6)
What do you think I missed out on by doing it? Whatever it is that puts you in my shoes It’s like an olive branch of empathy So you can construct that’s what I’m saying. It’s about creating the space and construction well constructing questions, which were not taught how to do I don’t know how to construct well constructed questions and in the book I talk about how to construct good questions The better the questions the better the answers

Kimberly Snyder (49:01.114)
Yes, empathy. Beautiful.

Kimberly Snyder (49:12.988)
Hmm.

Kimberly Snyder (49:23.248)
I love these questions and you were mentioning about the decks. I wasn’t even aware there were decks. Where can we learn more about the decks?

Topaz (he/him) (49:31.394)
They’re all on Amazon or the skin deep calm and we have digital decks, too. Yeah for sure. yeah, we’re no first. My god, wait, you’re gonna love it. We have 15 then we have digital decks. We have digital tool kits for long distance relationships We have like conflict resolution tool kits. So, you know and this just comes from What we’ve learned from doing the work of over 1200 pairs for 10 in now in our life We’re starting our 12th year in January. I mean

Kimberly Snyder (49:34.527)
they’re available on Amazon.

awesome. I’m gonna go get some myself.

Kimberly Snyder (50:03.432)
When you say we, besides you, do you have a core partner or the team is sort of pulling the question?

Topaz (he/him) (50:09.098)
I have beautiful souls that have come in and out of this journey for the skin deep for 11 years. you know, and most people stay for a very long time and we’ve gone through two cycles where I had to let people go because things shifted, sales shifted and you know how we were selling and Mark, we had to figure another way to work. And those are really painful because it’s like letting go of family. That was also part of like me growing up as from a

Kimberly Snyder (50:12.658)
Yeah.

Amazing.

Kimberly Snyder (50:34.353)
Yeah.

Topaz (he/him) (50:38.112)
artist into a more grounded business person who understood that. Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (50:44.648)
Well, there’s so much in here. I can’t wait to do the practice. I read it, and I was sort of considering things myself. But I’m really excited to do this with my husband. Is there any question I didn’t ask you, Topaz, that you were wanting me to ask you?

Topaz (he/him) (51:05.344)
No, thank you. appreciate the community, the space, presence, and just welcome me into your world of the community that you’ve built. Built so beautifully. Thank you.

Kimberly Snyder (51:15.528)
thank you so much for being here and for sharing your amazing wisdom. And I mean, this book, I have to say is very different and experiential. There’s, you know, lots of books where relationship books where, know, it’s like telling us how it is. And this is putting you in the experience of intimacy, which is why I really like it. And I will use this book and I’m very

Topaz (he/him) (51:28.173)
Mm-hmm.

Topaz (he/him) (51:37.218)
Yeah. Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (51:42.309)
you know, authentically recommending it once again, 12 questions for love, a guide to intimate conversations and deeper relationships. It’s like more than a guide. It’s like an, it’s an experience. It’s really powerful, Topaz.

Topaz (he/him) (51:53.292)
Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Thank you, thank you.

Kimberly Snyder (51:58.312)
So thank you so much and we will link everyone directly to Topaz’s book and also the decks now that I know they exist and your website or where can we find out more about you?

Topaz (he/him) (52:10.844)
I’m topazadesus.com, that’s my, I direct everyone to theskindeep.com, because that’s where we put all the work. Correct, yeah, theskindeep.com, and for social media channels, it’s theskindeep.

Kimberly Snyder (52:19.08)
Is it theskindeep.com? Okay, perfect.

Kimberly Snyder (52:26.896)
yeah, I was watching some of the videos today actually. So thank you again so much Topaz and for sharing your big, huge, beautiful heart. Appreciate you so much. And thank you everyone for tuning in. Once again, everything will be at mysaloon.com, direct links, as well as the section where you can ask me questions for our next Q &A show. I’ll be back Thursday as always for that show. Until then, take great care of yourself, take advantage of all the resources.

The meditation tracks, everything else we have on the site and sending you much love.