How to help Clean Up Your Kids’ Mental Mess with Dr. Caroline Leaf [Episode #801]
This week’s topic is: How to help Clean Up Your Kids’ Mental Mess with Dr. Caroline Leaf
I am so excited to have my very special guest, Dr. Caroline Leaf, who is a communication pathologist and cognitive neuroscientist with a Masters and PhD in Communication Pathology and a BSc Logopaedics. Listen in as Caroline shares tips for parents on how to manage the guilt that comes with parenting, how to approach the behaviors your children exhibit, building resilience in our children, and so much more.
- Research as a scientist and running a household…
- Caroline’s thoughts on how parents can manage the guilt that comes with parenting…
- How to approach the behaviors our children exhibit…
- Trauma and the analogy of the tree branch…
- When your child is closed off and ways to approach them…
- Building resilience in our children…

About Dr. Caroline Leaf
Dr. Caroline Leaf is a communication pathologist and cognitive neuroscientist with a Masters and PhD in Communication Pathology and a BSc Logopaedics, specializing in cognitive and metacognitive neuropsychology. Since the early 1980s she has researched the mind-brain connection, the nature of mental health, and the formation of memory. She was one of the first in her field to study how the brain can change (neuroplasticity) with directed mind input and has helped hundreds of thousands of students and adults learn how to use their mind to detox and grow their brain to succeed in every area of their lives, including school, university, and the workplace.
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Dr. Caroline Leaf Interview
Other Podcasts you may enjoy!:
- How to Heal Your Mind by Changing Toxic Thoughts with Dr. Caroline Leaf
- Meditation for Kids: The Benefits and How To Incorporate In Your Child’s Day
- How to Start Your Kids on a Healthy Wellness Routine
- How to Help Our Kids Thrive Through Meditation with Emily Fletcher
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Transcript:
Note: The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate. This is due to inaudible passages or transcription errors. It is posted as an aid, but should not be treated as an authoritative record.
Kimberly: 00:01 Hi, loves and welcome back to our Monday interview show. I am so excited to share a conversation with Dr. Carolyn Leaf with you today who is back on the show for her new book, how to Help Your Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess. Dr. Carolyn is a communication pathologist and cognitive neuroscientist. She is an incredible mother. I have been able to be with her and one of her daughters. She is full of light and love and brilliance and she really has created this wonderful program for helping to break through communication issues, challenges with your child. And I have to say that after we did this podcast together, I tried some of the techniques from the new book with Bubby with my older son who was working through some um, things, a little bit of bullying with our younger son and just some, you know, some things he was, um, feeling, uh, scared of, you know, Ima images and ideas, you know, things like monsters and things.
Fan of the Week
Kimberly: 01:17 And it was so effective, it was so wonderful. So I’m very excited to share this conversation with you today with the wonderful Dr. Carolyn Leaf. Before we get into it though, I wanted to give a shout out to our fan of the week. Her name is ZHanna K, NYC and she writes the best podcast, Kimberly, you have become an anchor when my anxiety feels crippling, your voice has become a soothing reminder that no matter what each day brings, ultimately everything will be okay. Everything is okay. And most importantly, I am okay. Thank you for your guidance. You are a light zana. Kay. Thank you so much for your amazing words. If you could see me now, both of my hands are on my heart. I really took that in. I heard it the first time I read it. So it really has an impact on me right here in real time and I just feel so much love and so much, um, so honored that we get to walk together, you and I sister and it feels very intimate and it feels powerful and all of us together in this community, if you’re listening to this right now, this deep connection that we share is amazing and I am truly grateful for it.
Kimberly:02:40 So thank you so much ZHanna K, NYC and thank you for you listening to this as well. I send you so much love and for your chance to also be shouted out as the fan of the week.
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Kimberly: 02:58 Please also just take a moment to please leave us a review. It is, feels very nourishing and it feels wonderful to have this energy exchange and it doesn’t have to be long. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please also be sure to subscribe to so you stay in the flow of these wonderful conversations with these incredible humans that are really using their energy to move society forward in different ways. And also for our q and a Thursday shows. Please also share the show with anyone that you think could benefit as an act of um, care and giving and abundance.
You Are More
And remember that our own book, baby, You Are More Than You Think You Are, is out in paperback now. So if you haven’t checked out this practical guide, I encourage you to pick it up for yourself or gift it out. It’s full of a lot of practical tools to ground yourself and your potential in your vitality, in your creativity and abundance right here, right now. So you can check it out wherever books are sold. Alright, all that being said, let’s get into our show today with the incredible brilliant Dr. Carolyn Leaf.
Interview with Dr. Caroline Leaf
Kimberly: 00:00:01 I can’t believe we’re in person. I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long.
Dr. Leaf: 00:00:05 Oh. So I, Kimberly, this is like the highlight of today. I mean, it’s just like
Kimberly: 00:00:18 You for coming. And there’s so many reasons that I admire you so much. I admire your work. I read your entire book, how to Help your Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess, covered to cover, and which we’ll talk about in a moment. But one of the things that has always, you know, we have these, these women and these people that we really admire and you have this incredible family and you have three daughters. You have a son, your hubby, and a lot of the family works together on your neuropsych app and with your research. Yep. I mean, that says so much.
Dr. Leaf: 00:00:52 The whole family’s involved. My husband’s a ceo, my eldest daughter runs Edmond and backend and customer support and all this app support on the backend. And Dominique, who you’ve met, and she’s, she runs production and business development and pr And then my youngest daughter runs, works in the research team with me in content development. And then even our son, he’s a part-time contract. He writes children’s stories with me Wow. While he writing children’s stories on mental health. And so the whole family’s involved
Kimberly: 00:01:17
Research as a scientist and running a household
Dr. Leaf: 00:01:41 Oh, Kimberly. I think it kept me grounded. It keeps children keep you grounded. And they grew up in this, they grew up with these, cause I haven’t ever stopped, I’ve worked my entire life. Like you with your children doing the research all the time. So constantly. And because I’m so excited and passionate and I can see it works. I taught my kids stuff. I brought my kids up with these principles and yes. Taught them this, how to manage their own minds. And so that’s been, and, and it, it’s, it hasn’t been difficult. It has, there’s been times where maybe I’ve been on a conference and I haven’t been able to attend maybe a basketball game or something like that. But the majority of the time I have been there in the moments that are needed. Wow. And it’s quality, not quantity. And you know, my kids often turn around to me and say that they, they’re so happy that I worked because I’m so satisfied. And I’ve been, that’s led them to find their own paths and, and that kind of thing. So I think it’s, you know, when you satisfied in yourself, you can, your children see that so.
Kimberly: 00:02:33 Well, it’s amazing that now your children are in their twenties, they’re more grown. And now you’re writing a children’s book because it seems so fitting in the time we’re in and what’s going on and all the stresses. And it’s on, you know, 24 7 online and there’s so much happening. So is that why you felt called to write this book now?
What has called in Dr. Leaf to write a children’s book
Dr. Leaf: 00:02:52 Definitely the timing is, is right. I’ve been, you know, it’s been in the works in for a few years, but it always kind of went on the back cuz there were so many other projects in front of it. And I just decided last year this has to come out now because of the, the way that mental health has been handled. You know, we constantly told daily more suicides, worse mental health situation that children have ever been in and adolescences. And you know, and I look at the situation, I’ve been in the field for nearly 40 years now doing research and I practiced clinically for 25 and a lot of my patients were two and three years. And you know, from two years was, was when I was, um, my youngest patients all the way through to 85 year olds. And all the principles of what I applied in my practice and my research and um, with my own kids, the time is now to put that out there because we do have a, a, a crisis in mental health.
00:03:41 But it’s not in terms of actually that there’s something that’s now happening that’s different. Mm. Every generation faces the challenges and we have to learn how to deal with those challenges. So the issue that I see is that we are not managing our minds in the challenge. So it’s not the mental health, um, that’s the challenge. It’s the management of the mental health that’s making it worse. Mm-hmm.
Kimberly: 00:04:52 Right.
Dr. Leaf: 00:04:52 And it’s become brain driven, neuro centric. And, and that worries me. And when you have that approach and you lose the humanity, then you then all the parts of being human crying, the sadness, the happiness, the joy, the anxiety, the depression, which are all normal parts of humanity are suddenly reduced down to something that’s a medical disease.
Kimberly: 00:05:10 That’s right. The labels and saying, oh, you have an issue. You have X, Y, z, the hd, you know, all these conditions that children are placed under. And then it’s sort of like your problem.
Dr. Leaf: 00:05:21 That’s the thing you’ve said the key word. The the child becomes the problem, the brain becomes the problem meanwhile, and you’ve individualized it to something that’s broken inside of them. So you’ve, you’ve devalued the child, you’ve actually with. So it doesn’t to label and diag to diagnose and label, whether it’s a child or an adult, isn’t the way to help someone who’s got a mind issue. It works when it comes to things like me, like your brain or your body in terms of heart disease or, um, a brain tumor or cancer or diabetes, yes. That model works. That medical model, biomedical model works cuz you can take a symptom, you can test it with various different ways, all different types of, you know, other tests, different tests and and so on. And you can diagnose and track it to some sort of biological underlying cause that works for the physical brain and body, but it doesn’t work for the mind.
00:06:08 And what we are doing is dishonoring and reducing mm-hmm.
00:06:49 It’s like diabetes or cancer. And if we talk about that, we take the stigma away. Now the research sees the opposite. The research shows and the research is always 20 years ahead of what’s going on in the public sphere. And the research shows what our gut actually knows. And that’s that, hey, as soon as you label someone who’s going through a huge thing, you reduce the hugeness of the complexity down to something little and to, to get some kind of acknowledgement and validation of what you’re going through. They’re requiring the, the biomedical model is, is saying you have to have a disease label and the stigma’s actually increased. Yes. I mean, just, just think if
Kimberly: 00:07:24 A child, no compassion,
Dr. Leaf: 00:07:25 No compassion. If a child has been fostered and abused and parents have, have abandoned them for whatever their own traumatic reasons are and they’ve gone and they’ve been been abused and you know, the typical sort of kind of pattern that can happen, those children will have learning problems, behavior problems, emotional problems. They’ll have all of those problems. Is it fair to take the symptoms on a surface and then just say, okay, this is a child with bipolar, yeah. Adhd, let’s medicate Maybe there’s a little bit of C B T, which is just a typical, it’s just a technique. It’s not really gonna get to the core issue. Cause that’s not its philosophy. Not that it’s isn’t helpful. You in the right place. CBT can help in the right level of intervention, but you’ve taken a child’s massive story and you’ve stuck it all into one tiny little box and you’ve said that’s it and you’re treat it with medication. Now those medications that they’re treating with aren’t even medications. They’re drugs. And a drug has got a different, different definition to a medication. Right. Me, medication treats a problem, a drug is psychoactive, it just numbs the brain. So therefore it’s not treating the problem, it’s making it worse. And that’s, that’s not honoring the child. That child has got a story to say that they now have that story. Plus they’re broken. You, you’re destroying a person. So that’s not decreasing stigma that’s making the situation worse.
Kimberly: 00:08:39 And you, in hearing you talk, Dr. Carolyn, I think about some of those children, they grow up to be, you know, these labels for adults. We have Oh, you’re a narcissist. Yeah. You think about yourself and then we kind of cast people. There’s all these books about watch out for the narcissist. Yeah. But then we think, well why is that person focused on themselves? Maybe they were neglected, maybe they didn’t have the support. Right, exactly. Instead of just putting any sort of human in this box, like you are an issue seeing the wholeness. Exactly. And and what I love about your work too, it’s very empowering. We talk about trees and the branches, which I’d like to get back into a in a moment. Absolutely. So if, so if a parent’s listening to this and they think, oh my gosh, my, my child is having some issues right now.
00:09:19 You know, lots of kids have different things. No one’s a perfect parent. We don’t. Exactly. It’s not just oh, physical abuse or anything. But, you know, we may say things or we’re not perfect. So the guilt comes in Dr. Karen. Exactly. And we think, oh my gosh, my child’s tantruming a lot. Or I can say for my now seven year old, sometimes he’s a little bit of a bully to his little brother. And I don’t know where it comes from. He just, you know, when there’s a break in the conversation will say, na na poo. Like he taunts. Yeah. And I always say like, that’s not kind. Yeah. Where does that behavior come from? Right. So then as parents, we think, oh my gosh, did I mess up? Is there guilt? How do we reset this? What are the tools? What do we do? Help us? Dr. Caroline
Caroline shares her thoughts on how parents can manage the guilt that comes with parenting
Dr. Leaf: 00:09:59 No, that’s such a great question. And parent guilt is huge. And in fact I’ve got, um, an app called the neuropsych app that I’ve told you about before. We’ve done a whole add-on for parents. And one of one of the neuro cycles is how to deal with parent guilt
Kimberly: 00:10:12 Wow.
Dr. Leaf: 00:10:12 And we can talk, you know, the neuro cycles basically the system I’ve developed that helps you to, uh, get your mind under, under control. It’s
Kimberly: 00:10:19 Very practical.
Dr. Leaf: 00:10:20 Very practical. Yeah. So it’s basically diving right into your mind, you using your wise mind to dr. Use your messy to help you manage your messy mind and change the wiring in the brain. So it’s a very scientific process, but very simple and easy to apply. So in the case of what you’re talking about in terms of parent guilt, and you know why our children do what they do. Well, first of all, they are unique and individual. So we, you know, we can do everything we can as parents, but as we already said, we, we, each of us comes with our own baggage. No matter how our
Kimberly: 00:10:46 Souls have their own imprint.
Dr. Leaf: 00:10:49 And you know, you, you think of it, you someone’s daughter and someone’s, you know, you, you’ve, you’ve got your own parents. They, they were, they were one’s parents. So every generation’s bringing down baggage. And we may not realize how much of our unconscious manifests in our parenting. And I say this not to, to, um, to have any guilt on a parent. It’s more for a parent to recognize that you need to honor your own story and work on yourself and recognize that you will, regardless of what you do, you are going to make an impact on your child good and bad.
Kimberly: 00:11:19 When you work on yourself,
Dr. Leaf: 00:11:20 If you don’t, working on yourself or not working on yourself, still
Kimberly: 00:11:23 Don’t have impact.
Dr. Leaf: 00:11:24 Yes. So we impact our children. Yes. So you can try to not do every single parents did and you can try and do all the good things that they did cuz they did good. You know, everyone, most people hopefully have had good and, you know, good and bad, mostly good parenting. And we want to have good parenting with our children, but we’ve got our baggage. Yes. And that comes through in non-conscious ways that our children read. And so we impact our children. So what we have to do is look at the impact on our child and look at our own story and work on ourselves, which then creates an authenticity for the child. So we model for our children. So we are having a bad day, for example, and we frustrated or upset about something that’s happened. We should be able to tell our children, obviously according to the age level and language level and so on, that, hey, I’m, I’m, I’m really feeling sad today.
00:12:07 Yeah. Because this and this happened and this is what I’m gonna do about it and here’s what I’m doing. Sharing, sharing, but sharing in a very organized way where you acknowledge, or you, you, you become aware of your, you know, you, you make them aware and yourself aware of their emotions and feelings and behaviors and what your body feels. Just very, a couple of statements. We can go through this in a little bit more depth, but I’m giving you sort of big, big picture of you. Yes. First to get to answering your question directly. Then you would reflect on that with your child and then you would write it down or do a little action or play a game or something. Something like that visualization type thing. And then you would say, okay, this is what’s happened. This is what I’m gonna do about it.
00:12:42 And then you’d do it. And it could be as simple as, I had a bad day. I’m feeling sad, my tummy saw, um, I I I really didn’t like my day today. And I was very, and I’m sorry I shouted you when I walked in the door and, but this, I did this because this and this and this happened. And, um, let me draw some pictures to show you what I mean. And let me write some of the words down, depending on the age. Wow. All of this is changing the neurochemistry that the neuro neural networks, it’s bringing them up, it’s making them malleable, it’s making them changeable. You actually rewiring your brain
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