How To Manage Loneliness During the Holiday Season [Episode #846]

This week’s topic is: How To Manage Loneliness During the Holiday Season

We hear a lot about the joy of the season. There’s lights, there are celebrations, there’s get-togethers. However, the reality is that for many of us, it’s natural to experience moments of feeling alone and lonely, even in the midst of these joyful activities. And this may be true if you are surrounded with social activities and lots of people, or you may be in a more isolated situation.

Loneliness has to do with our emotional wellbeing. It comes from the inside and we’ll get into the research and factors today that contribute to it. We want to shed light on it. I want to leave you with some really powerful self-care tools that we can start to implement from now through the end of the holiday season and beyond.

Remember you can submit your questions at https://mysolluna.com/askkimberly/

[Question Answered]

Bethany – Florida

I’m 5 months pregnant and it’s my first pregnancy and the emotions are taking a toll on how I’m feeling about this whole experience. Did you experience the ups and downs during either of your pregnancies Kimberly, and what can help me get through this?

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Transcript:

Note: The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate. This is due to inaudible passages or transcription errors. It is posted as an aid, but should not be treated as an authoritative record.

Kimberly: 00:01 Namaste loves and welcome back to our Thursday q and a show where our topic this week is How To Manage Loneliness During the Holiday Season. We hear a lot about the joy of the season. There’s lights, there is celebrations, there’s get togethers. But the reality is that for many of us, it’s natural to experience times, periods, moments of feeling alone and lonely, even in the midst of these joyful activities. And this may be true if you are surrounded with social activities and lots of people, or you may be in a more isolated situation. Loneliness has to do with our emotional wellbeing. It comes from the inside and we’ll get into the research and factors today that contribute to it. So it’s again, different and separate from the environment that we happen to be in. We can be lonely even if we are in a lot of noisy situations, or we can feel lonely if we are physically by ourselves.

01:12 And we want to address this. We want to shed light on it. I want to leave you with some really powerful self-care tools that we can start to implement from now through the end of the holiday season and beyond. There’s no shame in feeling loneliness. And it’s important that we discuss these different topics because they affect us so much and we all deserve to feel present in this moment, in our bodies, in our lives. We don’t want to ignore some of these darker or feelings of disconnection from ourselves because there’s so many tools and resources that we can count on. And here in our community, we’re very much for you, for each other. So as always, please continue to write into me if there’s some other way I can support you. We’ve got other podcasts around this topic and resources which we will link to in the show notes.

02:10 So speaking of which, those are always over at mysolluna.com. You can always submit questions for future shows there. Please check out our many articles, our amazing products, our meditations, and more. We’ve got so many resources over on the website for you. So let’s get into our topic today, which is we’re right in the middle of the season right now. And no matter what our particular background is or what holidays we celebrate, there’s a lot of focus on it right now and it can exacerbate certain feelings if we tend to go towards disconnection or isolation, feelings of depression, just feeling down, especially coupled with the fact that the weather is for those of us in the northern hemisphere anyway, there’s less light outside, there’s less external light. So we’re going to talk about all that today.

Question around the topic of: How To Manage Loneliness During the Holiday Season: I’m 5 months pregnant and it’s my first pregnancy and the emotions are taking a toll on how I’m feeling about this whole experience. Did you experience the ups and downs during either of your pregnancies Kimberly, and what can help me get through this?

Let’s dive right in. Our question comes from Bethany, who lives in Florida. Bethany sending you so much love down there in the sunny weather. Thankfully, one thing that you can count on in Florida is the beautiful sunshine. And you write, I’m five months pregnant and it’s my first pregnancy, and the emotions are taking a toll on how I’m feeling about this whole experience. Did you experience the ups and downs during either of your pregnancies, Kimberly, and what can help me get through this? So yes, there’s many things in here, Bethany. I’m putting my hand on my heart sending you much love. This time, as I mentioned, for all of us can be triggering. It can bring up emotional memories of the past.

03:58 It can highlight the fact that maybe we’re not exactly where we would like to be from a mental standpoint in our life. If we are in partnership or we have a family or we don’t or we don’t get along with certain relatives or we’d want to be on a certain vacation somewhere else or whatever it is, the mind can come in quite strong at this time of year. Now, the other part of the question about being pregnant, I had a lot of emotional ups and downs in my two pregnancies for sure. And there were times where I felt very alone and lonely and I felt that no one understood what was going on in my body and how I felt on the inside, and I felt isolated and disconnected and so pregnant or not. Thank you so much Bethany, for bringing this to our attention because this time of year can definitely be challenging.

04:53 In fact, a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships back in 2015 found that the holiday season is a significant trigger for loneliness in many, many individuals. So again, it’s in some ways counterintuitive because we think of all the decorations and the lights and the holiday cookies and all this celebratory activities, but on another hand, it can bring forward feelings that are already there. It’s a lot of sensory input right now, right? Just my husband and I were walking down the street yesterday. We had to do an errand in Beverly Hills and the Christmas and the Hanukkah music playing from the stores was so intense and the lights everywhere. It just, it’s a lot on our nervous system to take in. Some of it’s very positive, but some of us can bring up those triggers and those feelings and the timing in the winter months.

05:58 The Journal of Abnormal Psychology back in 2017 did a study that found that social isolation during the winter months can contribute to feelings of loneliness. And this isolation is increased because of the colder weather, reducing daylight time, which limits outdoor activities, social interactions, also inclement weather. Of course, if there’s iness or snow, we tend to go right back to our homes and cozy up and stay home. And so in some ways, of course, this is natural and it’s part of the seasonal fluctuations, but it can also lead to these feelings and these emotions. So while we’re at home, there is also certain things that come into our space, and one of them is social media. We’ve done full podcasts on this, which we’ll link to in the show notes. We had a professor from Northwestern whose lab measures the detrimental mental and emotional effects of social media.

07:04 And what this study, which we’ll link to in the show notes found, this is from the Journal of Xperia Mental Psychology from 2019, found that social media can also contribute to feelings of inadequacy and isolation, particularly during times when others appear to be celebrating or socializing or looking really happy. So it’s easy to have that fomo effect or to look and say, oh look, there’s this get together and I’m not going to as many holiday events, or I wasn’t invited, or I just don’t feel that happiness right now. I’m seeing in other people and it promotes this no one. We’re feeling a little down the ego and the mind is very tricky. So it can trick us into that comparison mode, which creates so much suffering. So we want to be really careful about the ways in which we are plugging ourselves into social media and be discerning.

08:03 And as I’ve mentioned before, if we are feeling down, if we’re feeling vulnerable, it’s not a great time to go online, maybe a better time to text with a friend or put on some music or make a hot tea, do something else. Because if we’re already vulnerable, social media can be even more triggering. Research in the Journal of Happiness Studies, I love this from 2016, found that engaging in activities that foster a sense of community can really help to manage loneliness. And so sometimes we need to think a little bit broader than our immediate friend group. There’s the social connections within our children’s schools, within the community spiritual centers. If you go to a temple or a church or even around, I’m thinking locally here, some of the stores in our area create a sense of community and they have a holiday events, talks, teas and things of that nature, which could feel really nourishing at this time.

09:16 Now, another thing that I want to bring up is that according to the Journal of Research and Personality, those individuals who feel that they do not meet social expectations for holiday celebrations, experience increased loneliness. So expectations is the word here. That really stood out to me why I wanted to highlight this study. I remember growing up or when we were on teenage years, there was a relative of mine that had these expectations for what the perfect Christmas was. And a lot of us had traveled from different areas and we all got together and she wanted the Christmas cookies done in a certain way and for everyone to be at certain dinners and events. And I was observing this person, and I was not even 20 years old, but I watched this person get increasingly angrier and upset because it wasn’t going according to this master plan.

10:15 People wanted to go on a walk instead of making the cookies or whatever it was. And I remember to this day feeling that compassion for this person, that it was this holiday plan and I was an asset adolescent, so I didn’t fully understand it. But when I was reading, when we read these research studies, of course it brings to mind certain memories and situations. We all have so much stored in our amygdala, which assigns emotional significance to events in the present moment. All these past memories and occasions are in there somewhere. So I think we can all recall someone or it could be ourselves, experience where we didn’t enjoy it as much because we had a rigid expectation for how it was supposed to be. This could be, oh, my birthday was supposed to be like this. And people are supposed to remember they’re supposed to celebrate this way or it’s supposed to be so perfect and happy.

11:14 And it’s the expectations again, this goes back to the mind and how much the mind and the ego play such a role in our day to day suffering. So I think the lesson here is to relax the mind. When we start to notice these control issues, I’m going to call them that come up of planning and expectations, we just want to take some deep breaths, come back into the body which doesn’t have the linear processing of the mind. We want to breathe down into our heart. We want to breathe down into our belly as we don’t have time to do a full meditation, but we can at least come into cultivating more presence in the body in this moment and just be grateful. Just be appreciative that we’re here, we’re alive. We are looking out through these eyes, into this beautiful world, into the colors, into the nature, into the loved ones, and remind ourselves that things don’t have to be an exact way for us to enjoy them.

12:22 And so there’s even research around this as we’ve mentioned. It’s the rigidity that can cause so much loneliness and disconnection. Oh, I should be this way. I should have this many friends around me or family members or this many parties I’m going to who creates any of that anyway, maybe the fact that we’re just here and we can always tune in and meditate. We can always celebrate the energy of the holiday, which is about love and light and connection. We can do that completely by ourselves. We don’t actually need anyone else, but it’s these ideas that we need this and we should have this and dah, dah, dah, dah. That makes us deeply unhappy. If we were to light a candle and create our own special celebration at home and make it really sacred and do a meditation or some kind of intention, some kind of offering to the light, whatever it is that could feel really personal, some sort of ritual, it would be so beautiful and fill our hearts so much. And then we could come to realize that that’s actually more fulfilling if we do that with intention than being surrounded by 200 people at a loud party. It’s the ideas that we have and the ways in which we approach all of these things.

13:44 So another quick thing I want to point out, and then I want to get into some of the tips and tools that we can all practice to ward off loneliness. Again, pregnant or not this season can bring up a lot for a lot of us. And the last thing I wanted to touch on is that this study from 2020 in Psychology and Aging found that both younger and older adults can experience loneliness. So this multi-generational, this can affect all of us, teenagers, adolescents, it can affect older adults as well. Those of us that may feel like, oh, my kids have grown up and they’re doing their own thing and I don’t have as many people around. We are all vulnerable in different ways. And then younger adults that feel like, oh, there’s not enough going on in my life. It is all dependent on our perspective.

1. On How To Manage Loneliness During the Holiday Season: Acknowledge how we feel

14:38 And so there is no perfect way to, or there’s no perfect group that makes us less susceptible to this. This is really important for all of us to talk about. So in alignment with that, the first thing that we want to do is we want to acknowledge how we feel. We don’t want to cover it up. We don’t want to pretend that the emotions of loneliness or depression or isolation are not there if they become more severe. Of course, we do want to get some professional counseling or therapy or help because even especially with the telehealth movements and the tele therapists, it becomes even easier to access professional help from our homes, from the privacy of our homes. And in general though, we want to see what’s in our hearts, what are we feeling right now? Because that’s when change can happen. When we start to place light on what is going on for us right now in a really authentic way, then we can start to create some shifts and to acknowledge it’s okay to feel lonely or sad and not to pretend that we feel happy and put on a happy face if we do not feel happy.

15:48 We want to be authentic and genuine. And then we can also reflect what is it that is making me feel this way? Is it the expectations as we talked about earlier? Is it this dependency on an external source that doesn’t show up or doesn’t feel the way that we would ideally want it to feel? So we want to journal is a very powerful tool. Journaling, setting aside space just to probe a bit. Maybe it’s that we’ve created this belief that we need to be with a partner or we need to be, we should have kids to celebrate with, or it should be that we’re with our parents. And if you’re like me, one of our parents has passed and that’s not possible. So the belief systems and the reasons why can help bring us light because then we can start to poke holes in them.

16:47 This is one of the practices of Byron Katie who came on this podcast. We will link to her show notes, link to her show in the show notes is this idea of questioning our own thoughts and beliefs. So we see, okay, I’m lonely because I believe that I should have a partner, a spouse, or I should be dating someone right now and I’m not. And then we can really question that. Is that really necessary for my happiness? Is that what happiness is dependent on? And then we can start to poke some holes in it and say, that’s what my mind tells me. But the truth is I can be really fulfilled in of myself and we can start to tune into that wholeness within ourselves, within each of us. We can feel that light growing by sitting in meditation or spending time with other loved ones or going out in nature. Once we identify that there’s a limited belief there we can to combat that with other more nourishing, true beliefs. So it’s very important that we examine what it is. That’s because the emotions which are energy and motion are being triggered by thoughts. So what are the thoughts? What are we really telling ourselves day to day?

2. On How To Manage Loneliness During the Holiday Season: Reach out for support

18:12 And then another thing that’s important that I mentioned earlier is to reach out for support. And sometimes it can be an actual therapist or professional and sometimes it can be a friend, someone that’s a really good listener, someone that can hold space, it can be a family member, it can be a colleague, but sometimes it feels so comforting to share our feelings with others. And so it brings us back and to realizing that we don’t have to bear these burdens alone. That sharing can also provide so much emotional relief just in saying, you know what? Acknowledgement, I don’t feel so happy right now. I feel a bit lonely.

3. On How To Manage Loneliness During the Holiday Season: Creating a support system

And then allow that some of that energy to dissipate just by sharing about it and also creating a support system and supportive communities can feel really great. I know at our meditation center, which is part of the self-realization fellowship, they have these friendship teas and sometimes it’s nice to just be in a community, not just your close little tight circle of friends, but to be around like-minded people, right?

19:33 And expand out a little bit because we realize that we’re so connected beyond our little circles. I think ultimately this journey of discovering the true self, the discovery of self connection and love and growth and why we’re here is realizing that we are connected to all. Ultimately we are part of this one divine energy, this one inclusive intelligence, divine intelligence, however you want to think of it, higher intelligence that runs through everything. So it’s very comforting to be in community, and that could be in your child’s school, it could be in parenting groups, it could be in self-help programs, 12 step groups. It could be in Los Angeles. There’s communities around stores and around brands, and we certainly have a community around sauna. So seek out those that feel good and nourishing to you and see how you can lean on those communities and to gain some more, I’m going to call it nourishment again, emotional nourishment during this vulnerable time where it’s darker outside and colder.

4. On How To Manage Loneliness During the Holiday Season: Engage in new activities

20:50 And so new activities as well. A way to keep us in dynamic flow. Hobbies, exercise routines. I think when we’re stagnant, the mind becomes stagnant and it tends to focus on darker thoughts and lower vibration thoughts. So if you can try a new workout class or new yoga class knitting. I recently went to a knitting store in our area and it was amazing and it’s definitely one of the things that I’d love to learn how to do. It’s a great winter activity as well. I’m really drawn to it. And my friend yesterday was telling me about this pottery clash she’s doing. So I think trying new activities, whether it’s physical exercise or an art or hobby activity, can keep us in that inspiration energy, which lifts us out of stagnation, lifts us out of feeling lonely because it’s stimulating our creative power, our energy of aliveness, which is always there.

21:56 And the more we foster and breathe into that ana creative power chakra energy, the more alive and aliveness we feel. It brings more light in and definitely combats those feelings of lack or loneliness because the truth is we’re never isolated. We’re always here together. We never have to feel alone, but it’s the mind that makes us feel that way at times. It’s all a fallacy.

5. On How To Manage Loneliness During the Holiday Season: Self-care practices

So another thing that I want to emphasize is how important self-care is at this time and in this moment, we want to be gentle with ourselves. We want to practice as we teach here in sauna are holistic.

22:42 So what I mean by that is nourishing foods elixirs, which definitely influence our energy. If we’re not eating the right healthy fats, if we’re not eating a colorful diet, we’re not having fiber and our gut health is suffering, it’s easier to fall into depression or lethargy, right? So the foods that we’re eating are vital. Treat yourself to some warming stews. You can make some of our amazing cacao truffles. Cacao is a great bliss enhancer. Have some wonderful elixirs ginger teas. We’ve got so many recipes on the site. Some of the milky teas can feel really good and help to boost serotonin in the evening so you sleep well. And then as I mentioned, you do want to keep moving your body. You want to keep exercising through winter and group classes can feel really great right now just to be around another way to foster community.

23:38 We also want to touch the skin and work with the skin and massage the skin in different ways with aga and oil massage, which is such a wonderful way to soothe the nervous system and to revitalize ourselves. Again, these are beautiful self-care practices and we will link in the show notes to some of our Vedic podcasts with my teacher Je Jay, which I think you would enjoy very much. And then emotionally take care of your mental and emotional wellbeing. So like we mentioned earlier in the show, you want to acknowledge your feelings. You want to take time to reflect. You want to take time to journal, you want to take time to reach out to community, to prioritize these connections.

6. On How To Manage Loneliness During the Holiday Season: Connect virtually

And also it can be virtual connectability. Sometimes we can feel down if we don’t live near our loved ones. My father lives in Asia, so we will not be seeing him this Christmas holiday. It’s, but it’s easy to feel a bit sad, but we will definitely connect and have a Christmas celebration on the Christmas morning over Zoom. We’ll celebrate together. So that is where technology can be very supportive instead of fostering loneliness. As I mentioned, if we’re going down the rabbit hole and social media and getting into a comparative mindset, that’s not healthy. But if we can connect emotionally with loved ones and show up on a Zoom or FaceTime, that’s great. And then also making space for personal ritual for spiritual growth. What I mean by that is sitting, being meditating, I’m a big fan of alters. I have altars in every room of my house. I’m staring at the one right now on my desk across from this podcast, my podcast area here in my office. And alters are very broad category of calling our attention in to what really matters to us.

25:43 So you could create an altar around family pictures, a little grouping of family pictures a candle for me. I have candles here and this altar down here, and also some pictures, some sacred pictures and books and things that I like to gather. And it makes me feel inspired every time I see these altars, these juncture, these moments where it just calls me back in. We have altars in our kitchen. We have like five of them actually in the kitchen, dining room area in our bedroom. So it can be nice reminders that there’s so much beauty in us and around us and that there is so much love that we can tap into. We don’t have to depend on other people, but loved ones can certainly help to light up the love that’s inside of us. We can feel inspired to feel that love inside of us with these self-care practices to bring in gentleness, soothingness,

Kimberly: 26:42 And slowing down and just making space in this regard. We have many, many offerings for you, many ways to support you in self-care. As I mentioned, the food recipes, the meditations, articles on rhythms and routines. So please check it all out in the show notes as well on our website, my una.com, that’s M-Y-S-O-L-L-U-N a.com. I wish you so much light and love as you head into deeper into the holiday season. Remember to reach out to me if I can support you in any way. Sending you lots and lots of love, and I’ll see you back here in a few days on Monday for our next interview show. Take care, much love and Namaste.