Radiating the Feminine Woman You Were Born to be with Monica Yates [Episode #985]

This Week’s Episode: 

In this episode Kimberly interviews Monica Yates, an industry-leading trauma healer and embodiment coach. She is the New York Times best-selling author of the new book Becoming Her and Founder/CEO of Monica Yates Health. Through somatic trauma healing and deep embodiment work, Monica has helped women overcome hyper-masculinity and reconnect with their feminine energy in a sustainable way, giving them everlasting expansion in all areas of their lives — business, love, family, health, and fertility.

Kimberly and Monica explore the pressures modern women face, the importance of embracing feminine qualities, and the impact of trauma on women’s ability to embody their true selves. Monica shares her personal journey of transformation and healing, emphasizing the need for women to give themselves permission to live authentically. The discussion also delves into the dynamics of polarity in relationships and how trauma can hinder women’s connection to their femininity. They also explore the dynamics of being a female breadwinner, and the importance of connecting with one’s essence through movement and self-acceptance. They discuss the need for women to embrace their feminine energy while navigating modern roles, and practical tools for self-discovery and healing.

 

About Monica Yates 

Monica Yates is a renowned trauma healer, embodiment coach, and New York Times best selling author of Becoming You.  With nearly a decade of experience, she has guided tens of thousands of women to shed their masculine armor, embrace their feminine energy, and align their lives with authenticity and purpose.

At the heart of Monica’s work lies her unique blend of somatic healing and embodiment practices to address trauma at its root. By integrating science-backed techniques with deep emotional exploration, she empowers clients to reconnect with their bodies, heal deeply held wounds, and create lasting change. Her philosophy emphasizes balancing feminine flow with masculine structure, fostering harmony across all areas of life.

Monica’s passion for healing is deeply personal. Growing up between Australia and New York City, she initially saw her childhood as idyllic but later recognized patterns of external validation, body image struggles, and unhealthy relationships as signs of unresolved trauma. This realization fueled her commitment to understanding trauma’s effects on the body and mind, equipping her to support others on their journeys.

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Guest Resources 

Book:  Becoming HER: Straight Talk for Healing, Embodying, and Radiating as Your Most Powerful Self

Podcast: Feminine as F*ck® podcast

Website: https://monicayateshealth.com/

Social:  @monicayateshealth

 

Episode Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Transformation and Healing
03:03 The Pressure of Modern Womanhood
05:47 The Value of Feminine Qualities
08:57 Embracing Authentic Womanhood
12:01 Understanding Polarity in Relationships
14:51 The Impact of Trauma on Femininity
17:52 Healing Through Somatic Practices
22:51 Understanding Trauma and Its Impact
29:00 Navigating Feminine Energy and Breadwinner Dynamics
37:04 Connecting to Your Essence Through Movement

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KIMBERLY’S BOOKS

• Chilla Gorilla & Lanky Lemur Journey to the Heart
• The Beauty Detox Solution
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• Beauty Detox Power
• Radical Beauty
• Recipes For Your Perfectly Imperfect Life
• You Are More Than You Think You Are 

OTHER PODCASTS YOU MAY ENJOY!

• Wellness Insights: How to Listen to Your Body for Nutritional Guidance [Episode 878]
• How the Power Foods Diet helps with Weight Loss with Dr. Neal Barnard EP. 877
• How Not to Age with New York Times best-selling author Dr. Michael Greger [Episode #873]
• How to eat to reduce anxiety with Harvard nutritional psychiatrist Dr. Uma Naidoo [Episode #867]

 

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Transcript:

Kimberly Snyder (00:01.176)
Hi loves, welcome back to our Monday interview show. I am so excited for our very special interview today with Monica Yates, who is a New York Times Best Selling author. She has a brand new book just out called Becoming Her, Straight Talk for Healing, Embodying and Radiating as Your Most Powerful Self. Monica is a renowned trauma healer committed to helping women achieve profound.

personal transformation. She helps women shed their masculine armor and align their lives with authenticity and purpose. These are powerful words, Monica. Thank you so much for being here today. I just got some goosebumps.

Monica Yates (00:39.293)
Thank you.

Thank you for having me. Yay! The energy is thriving already.

Kimberly Snyder (00:46.602)
Yes. Well, first of all, congratulations on writing this book. And I read it in bed and the book just flows through all these amazing topics. Before we dive in, tell us about your interest in this particular lens of dropping the masculine armor, what’s going on in the world today, why you’re so passionate about focusing on this.

Monica Yates (00:51.933)
Thank you.

Monica Yates (01:03.517)
Mmm.

Monica Yates (01:14.191)
Yeah, well, I think the main reason is and really the reason why I wrote this book is because I realized a lot of women just needed permission. They needed permission to be the version of themselves they want to be at the given season of life that they’re in versus thinking, I just have to fit into kind of this box of being the perfect woman who’s the girl boss and this and keeping an amazing sex life and has a

thriving social circle and just this kind of new pressure that’s been put on women where we feel like in order to be a good enough woman, we have to be ticking all these boxes. And you know, I just feel like Instagram has just exacerbated this issue where women are just tearing each other down because one woman doesn’t agree with how another woman is living her life. I mean, me getting into this work in particular was my own journey. used to be such, can I swear on this podcast? I forgot to ask you actually Kimberly.

Okay, great. used to be because we have an Australian in the house. I’m like, careful. I used to be such a cold hard bitch when I was younger. I was so masculine. I really thought that being like a cool girl meant being unemotional and being detached and just being masculine. I thought that by being, you know, a masculine woman, I was being a good feminist. And long story short, my journey with all of that and kind of

Kimberly Snyder (02:10.126)
You’re like.

Monica Yates (02:37.063)
the downfall of it all. had a really bad ski accident that forced me to then actually give up the control and my like hyper independence. And that really led me into this path of all the trauma healing and everything. And it was actually what really got me started was I lost my period for 18 months. And the only thing that got my period back was being in a relationship with a masculine man. He was like in a healthy way forcing me into my feminine.

And that’s when I was like, wait, I think there’s, cause I was trying all the herbs, all the things. And I was like, I think there’s something to being in your feminine that influences your physical health. And I mean, you could even relate to this, right? With like the heart math and everything. And so, you know, that’s just kind of in a different way. And so once I then actually started to drop into my feminine, then my period came back. And that’s what made my business take off eight years ago was I was helping all these women get their periods back, not from.

Kimberly Snyder (03:08.322)
Yes.

Monica Yates (03:33.223)
herbs or food or anything like that, but actually from getting into their feminine.

Kimberly Snyder (03:38.766)
Mm. And there really does feel like a connection between this feminine and the heart, as I talk about a lot, Monica, which is a lot of the ideas, the headiness, it’s very linear, it’s very rational. It can be over masculine, like this idea, like you said, I’m going to be the girl boss, I’m going to be this, I’m going to be that versus it’s not that we can’t achieve in our career, but softening into this really caring, compassionate, loving,

Monica Yates (03:44.401)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (04:02.108)
Right.

Kimberly Snyder (04:08.064)
intuitive part of us as well. Because when we get hardened, like you said, there can be a rigidity in our body, which can manifest in hormonal imbalances and disorders. So I love in the book how you straight away, and I love how you speak your mind, but you talk about girl boss and you said, Hey, I’m not a girl. I’m a woman. I’m a lady. Can you tell, talk a little bit about, cause it’s, it’s kind of complicated, right? We get all these different messages and you and I were chatting before the podcast.

Monica Yates (04:10.45)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (04:17.383)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (04:21.958)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (04:26.137)
Yes. Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (04:36.748)
And I said, I’m really grateful because I am a full-time mom. can honestly say I bring my kids to school, pick them up once they’re home, I’m with them. I bring them to activities, I cook dinner. And at the same time, I get to have a really full career because I have created that. work, you know, I write books at home. I run my business from home, the podcast, but there’s so many women that don’t get to do that, right? And so you see some women.

Monica Yates (05:00.497)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (05:02.242)
They have to be in the office making great strides in their career and maybe they’re feeling unfulfilled at home. And I know so many friends who are stay-at-home moms and they don’t feel like they get the respect that they want and they can feel isolated. And there was a survey, Monica, about stay-at-home moms having really high levels of chronic insomnia. So it’s complex.

Monica Yates (05:12.829)
Mmm.

Monica Yates (05:20.913)
Wow. Yeah, yeah. And I think the bottom line of it is that there is not an answer because we’re all so different, right? And that’s why I like to remind women that it’s about the season of your life. You’re allowed to want to be like one version of you at this age, but then decide, you know what, in this season of life, I really want to just enjoy being a state high mother. And my passion for this has really been, and it’s kind of…

Kimberly Snyder (05:38.926)
Okay.

Monica Yates (05:47.901)
gotten even bigger just with how social media has changed from when I first started writing the book. But really, the passion and the kind of oomph behind this is that I think that a lot of women, they tear other women down. And we see it like in the comment section on Instagram. They tear other women down for their individual choices. And what I want for women is I want them to feel like I can give myself permission.

to go and live the life that I want right now, whatever that looks like, right? And so for some women, they don’t wanna be a stay-at-home mom. Amazing, go have a career or do both. But for other women, like some of your friends, they want that and why are they getting less respect? And that’s where the devaluing of the feminine is really important to acknowledge. Like we devalue the kind of return on investment that we get from folding the laundry.

Kimberly Snyder (06:34.541)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (06:43.601)
whether it’s us folding the laundry, whether it’s our housekeeper, whether it’s our husband, we’ve devalued those more feminine, those kind of more traditional feminine qualities or practices because we see them as less than. it’s more than though, and it’s enough if you’re bringing home money. But if you’re just at home, quote unquote, folding the laundry, that’s not nearly as valuable. And we can both sit here and say that that’s absolutely bullshit. But I think the conversation needs to

be branched out to wider communities because too many women still think I’m not doing enough when I’m just at home.

Kimberly Snyder (07:21.208)
Well, it goes back to that doing versus being or the embodiment part of this, which is our worth is inherently this true self, this heart energy, this energy that’s us. And it manifests in different ways, but our society does pin, you know, title, salary amount. It’s like a linear. know, for me back in the day when I was obsessed with numbers, weight, you know, can get obsessed with calories.

Monica Yates (07:24.455)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (07:30.62)
Mm-hmm.

Monica Yates (07:41.276)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (07:48.027)
Yeah. Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (07:50.798)
reductionist approach versus this embodiment of, as Moses said, I am that I am, right? Confidence that comes from just existing.

Monica Yates (07:58.396)
right.

Yeah. And I love what you just said, Kimberly, about like the enoughness piece, because what I also talk about in the book is that women, so many women these days feel like being a woman isn’t inherently enough. We have to compete with men. And then we’re enough. If we are showing up like men, if we are achieving more than men, if we’re competing against them, it’s to prove this like enoughness. And my argument is, is if you truly

are embodied in your confidence and your security, you don’t need to prove anything to anybody. So the woman, for example, that’s like, I can hold open my own door. It’s like, he knows that you can hold open your own door. He’s not saying that you’re incompetent. The only person that’s now thinking that you’re incompetent of holding open the door is yourself. Because that’s where this need to prove your worth as a woman is coming from. It’s coming from insecurity.

Kimberly Snyder (08:50.211)
Mm.

Monica Yates (08:57.755)
And obviously the roots of that are not just your own personal trauma, but also like the societal conditioning that’s been put on women to feel like being a woman isn’t necessarily as good as a man. And that’s why I’m so big on why are we trying to be like men? We need to be women. Seriously though, I’m like, why are we trying to be like men? Because we will never be a man. So we are constantly gonna feel like we are failing, right? Versus.

let’s be women and then we will feel like we are being successful because we actually are in our own lane.

Kimberly Snyder (09:33.27)
You know, Monica, when we talk about the societal influence of this, it’s so deep rooted. And I think about places like India, right? And this amazing example of what you’re talking about is Rita Chopra. So she’s Deepak’s wife, who’s not out in the public at all. And when I wrote a book with Deepak a few years ago, I got to know her and she is so unapologetically the mother. Like I…

Monica Yates (10:02.397)
Hmm.

Kimberly Snyder (10:02.636)
raise the kids, I take care of the grandkids and there’s not even an ounce of like, I’m trying to be something I’m not. And they were both raised in India and in India there’s the divine feminine literally, right? Great mother, they can speak about aspects of the divine in this very feminine Lakshmi and Saraswati and Durga and it runs through in a very different way. Whereas in our culture, like you said, there’s this

Monica Yates (10:32.113)
Competitiveness. Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (10:32.16)
not enough to us, that’s really, really deep. And it’s just interesting when I was backpacking around the world in certain cultures, it’s really different. And so sometimes when we go outside and then we kind of say, hey, how can we reshape this now for us individuals and future generations?

Monica Yates (10:41.213)
It is.

Monica Yates (10:47.782)
Right.

Monica Yates (10:51.545)
Yeah, you know, even not to go down like the mothering tangent of what we were kind of speaking about before we clicked record, like even I’ve been having these conversations with clients because they’re like, like, do you not feel all this pressure and blah, blah, blah, like, how are going to do it all being a mom and like your thoughts around x, y and z. And I’m like, well, actually, I’ve read a lot of books about French parenting. And it was so expansive for me. I think that sometimes, you know,

not just here in the US, but I know Australia can do this well. We really just think like, the whole world is just this country when it’s not. we think that expansion doesn’t also lie in understanding other cultures. And when I read about even just like French parenting and the ways that the French raise kids and how French women are pregnant and how they go through that, I’m like, huh, like that was expansive. And so then to your point, like there is so much energetic expansion.

in looking at another culture. And it doesn’t mean that you have to go and then live like that culture fully, but it can give you some of that permission to realize, the way that all my friends around me or what I’m seeing on social media, it’s not the only way.

Kimberly Snyder (12:01.514)
Mm-mm. And another topic you talk about in the book, which I thought was really interesting, is this polarity. And the first time I heard about this was when I read David Dita’s book, Monica, a few years ago, Discovering Your Sexual Essence. And then you build on that and talk about how it’s like this scale when we’re really feminine. We really attract a masculine man and, you know, kind of, you know, can veer towards the middle as well.

Monica Yates (12:12.509)
Mmm.

Monica Yates (12:25.853)
Mm-hmm.

Kimberly Snyder (12:30.696)
And sometimes we look in the modern world where women are sort of armored up like you talk about, and then aren’t feeling that fulfillment in relationships. And then we get mixed messages and men get mixed messages about toxic masculinity and how they should be this way and they shouldn’t be this way. Can you talk a little bit about this polarity and what you talk about in the book, it’s important to be in our true essence?

Monica Yates (12:39.196)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (12:45.553)
Mm-hmm.

Monica Yates (12:56.911)
Yeah. So as a woman, if you want to be in a relationship where you feel like you can kind of switch your mind off and your man is leading you and directing you and ravishing you and just like this energy of I got you and then the opposite obviously exists. So men, any men listening, if you want to be with a woman that allows you to do that. this still this actually, you know, this polarity still exists even in same sex relationships. There’s going to be

feminine and masculine. They’ll often be a little bit more of a dance, like they’ll swap a little bit more between the two, but there’s still that feminine and masculine, right? Like one person is more in that receiving surrender energy, the other person is more in that directing and leading energy, and that’s what creates the chemistry. So, so many women are in this predicament these days where they’re in these relationships and they’re like, I am so unattractive to him. I feel like I have to mother him. I have to tell him what to do. I’m constantly nagging him.

Kimberly Snyder (13:23.926)
Yes.

Kimberly Snyder (13:49.699)
Yes.

Monica Yates (13:52.133)
We, you I do not feel ravished and adored and wanted. Like he loves me, but I like to say like being loved is great, but being wanted is better. Like there is no feeling like your partner being like, I physically need you. Right. And that energy comes from the polarity, but so many women, they come home from work, they’re in their masculine, they’re in their head. Their trauma also causes them to be in their masculine and in their head and not feel safe to let go of control. So then.

You know, they cognitively are like, yes, I want a man that leads. Yes, I want to date men that caught me. But then when it actually comes to it, they can’t do it. And it’s not because they don’t want to be able to do it. It’s because in their body viscerally, they don’t feel safe to let go of control to the masculine, which can be for so many different reasons, which we can unpack. But the polarity piece is what allows us to feel that sexual energy and that attraction that a lot of people are finding they’re lacking in their relationships.

They feel like they’re constantly butting heads or it’s more of like a roommate friendship vibe. And it’s not that polarized energy that they’re wanting. But you know, if you’re a woman that is heavily in her masculine, in your head, disconnected from your body, know, living this numbed out, living in this kind of numbed out state, it becomes essentially impossible for you to then surrender and relax when you come home.

Kimberly Snyder (15:17.358)
Mm.

Monica Yates (15:17.381)
and you’re with your man, so he then can’t lead you. So then he’s more in his feminine because you’re in the masculine. He’s not happy, you’re unhappy. And of course, well, you the women often are like, it’s the man’s fault when they realize, actually, I think I’ve caused this. That’s where that’s actually why I kind of wrote one of the reasons why I wrote the book, because I was really like, okay, I want to help men feel safe to be men in today’s world. But the way that we can do that is not just by telling them like,

you know, he has had to be a masculine man because the women won’t them be a masculine man. It’s actually very often the woman needs to step into her feminine these days, at least, you know, in America, so that he feels safe to step into his masculine. Because if you don’t let him, so many men are afraid. As you said before, they’re so afraid of being disrespectful, of saying the wrong thing, of being cold like a creep.

Kimberly Snyder (15:51.469)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (16:06.594)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (16:13.093)
And so they just go, okay, I’m just gonna do less. don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. But meanwhile, we’re all bitching about them on our girls’ night out.

Kimberly Snyder (16:24.512)
Yeah. So a couple of things, Monica, we can be in touch with our feminine and yet we all know couples and it’s probably the minority where the woman naturally is probably the leader, the more masculine and the man might be more of the feminine, but you know, not the majority.

Monica Yates (16:36.231)
Mm-hmm.

Monica Yates (16:41.116)
Yeah.

Not the majority, there’s a very small proportion where that actually really works for people. But a lot of the time when you see them and it’s like, she wears the pants, it’s not like, that was a conscious choice. Like she isn’t authentically got a masculine core and he authentically has a feminine core. Very often that has played out over time. And now that’s just the way that is. doesn’t mean they’re actually happy. It’s just how it is.

Kimberly Snyder (16:48.376)
Yeah. Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (17:04.353)
Okay.

Kimberly Snyder (17:11.744)
Yes. And also, and let’s talk about the trauma piece for a moment that can keep us in a pattern. And also, I just want to say, it’s not like to your point, just putting on the lipstick and wearing a dress. It’s the energy that we’re embodying. It’s what we are exuding out of us moment to moment. And so can you talk a little bit about how trauma can keep us from really embodying who we are?

Monica Yates (17:15.932)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (17:25.127)
No.

Monica Yates (17:32.262)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (17:38.748)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (17:38.81)
And some of the, I know you work with somatic practices and some of the things that we can do. If we’re listening to this, we hear this, say, you know, I do feel like a little bit disconnected from the softened feminine essence.

Monica Yates (17:42.353)
Mm-hmm.

Monica Yates (17:52.325)
Yeah. So firstly, if you notice that you get triggered in different situations, right, you get that like visceral response, whether it’s the heat coming through your body, whether it’s sweaty armpits, you get a little bit shaky, you feel like you can’t like use your voice. There’s so many different ways triggers can come up, but you get that visceral response where you feel like uncomfortable essentially in a situation that tells me that there or you freeze, you completely numb out. That tells me that there is trauma stuck in your body from

you know, it could have been last year, it could have been six months ago, or it could have been 10 years ago. For a lot of women, you know, we could go on this forever, I’m sure you know, Kimberly, but for a lot of women, there is a lot of trauma from their own personal experiences, not just in regards to men and boys from when they were little, and their dad, but also the societal trauma that’s kind of like almost like the third party trauma, I like to sometimes call it that’s been put on us. So that’s a really big impact.

that we have to recognize, not just the personal situations. But for a lot of women, there is trauma that they have around like daddy issues, not feeling seen by men, not feeling respected by men. Maybe there’s been sexual abuse, maybe there’s been bullying by boys, maybe there’s been like rejection and dating or heartbreak.

Maybe they’ve grown up feeling like they’ve been emotionally or physically abandoned by their dad. There also though can be like kind of even taking men out of the equation and their dad out of the equation. There also can be trauma around just being a woman and the feminine, right? It’s not safe to be a woman. It’s not safe to be emotional. It’s not safe to share my feelings. It’s not safe to be open. It’s not safe to surrender. And that feeling of like, it’s not safe can come from.

you know, so many different experiences. Maybe you, you know, expressed yourself once when you were 15 years old and you got like shut down by either a girlfriend or a guy friend or your mom or your dad. And that could, that could have made you feel so unsafe that your body decided like, I’m never going to open myself up to anybody again, because then I’m going to feel like this, you know, also taking into account that our nervous system, you know, is attracted to what is

Kimberly Snyder (19:56.588)
Mmm.

Monica Yates (20:03.867)
familiar, whatever is familiar feels safe. So if what is familiar to you is, you know, emotionally unavailable men, or men that don’t respect you, then you’re in a million other situations for that, then you’re going to attract in those sorts of men, even though cognitively, you can sit here listening to this episode being like, I want a healthy relationship, I want a man that leads, if your nervous system does not feel like that is safe, because it is so unfamiliar.

you will continue to go after the guy that disrespects you, that is emotionally unavailable, that is really passive and doesn’t lead, for example. And so the trauma aspect is really important because women often think, I feel safer when I’m in control. So I just need to be in control. But that’s an illusion, right? Control is an illusion. And the safety of being in control is an illusion. And when you heal that trauma and you create inherent safety within yourself,

That is when you then feel safe to let go to a man because you also feel safe to speak your truth, say no, know, share your opinion, and it’s from that place that you’re able to surrender. I don’t know whether you saw this in the book, but I coined this term, empoweredly submissive. And basically what it means is I realized a couple of years ago that

in order for a woman to truly, truly, truly surrender and the women that are able to be deep in that kind of like healthy submissive state, they are the most confident and empowered women. Because how can you be in that truly like conscious submissive state if you’re afraid of speaking your truth? can’t. So you have to, you you have to be able to own your know, but that often won’t happen for a lot of women because of

Kimberly Snyder (21:38.158)
is.

Monica Yates (21:51.313)
trauma and so hence there are people please that they don’t feel safe speaking up. If you don’t feel safe speaking up, you are not going to feel safe letting go.

Kimberly Snyder (21:52.366)
Thank you.

Kimberly Snyder (21:58.574)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, for me, Monica, when I, and there is this very physical dropping into the body for me, dropping into the heart, getting out of the head, that was when I really started to shift patterns because it’s not thinking your way out. You can say, yeah, you know, I have some stuff from my childhood. And for me, you know, it’s like not just talking about it, but feeling it, right? So the heart coherence.

Monica Yates (22:08.957)
Hmm.

Kimberly Snyder (22:25.336)
for me is different neuron pathways, the heart and the brain, it changes your perception. So I’m a big believer in heart work, somatic healing, body work, things that get you into really reshaping the patterns of your nervous system because it isn’t a thinking thing. And it’s powerful. can, we’re so resilient as humans that even if we do have some patterns from the past in our childhood, which let’s face it, you know, what is…

Monica Yates (22:25.509)
Yes.

Monica Yates (22:38.46)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (22:42.565)
No.

Monica Yates (22:51.441)
We all do.

Kimberly Snyder (22:51.822)
that’s under called 75 % of us have a form of trauma. It’s this recognition and also I think this intention to be, to what it is that we wanna create and how we wanna shape our relationships and how we wanna feel.

Monica Yates (22:59.751)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (23:03.857)
Yeah. Yeah. On that note though, of like the 75 % of people have trauma. You know, I think a lot of people, I know a lot of people these days actually, they dismiss their trauma or their micro trauma and their struggles because they think, well, I didn’t grow up with a mother that was a drug addict. So I have no trauma. And that was me. My parents are still together. I grew up in Australia, a very safe country. I went to good schools. had it. Like there was always a roof over our head.

that kind of thing. And so from the outside looking in, there was absolutely no trauma, nothing for me to complain about. And a lot of people, not just women, men too, they have this. They think, well, I grew up with a great childhood, so I don’t have any trauma. But that then limits that person from being the truest, fullest, most authentic expression of themselves, man or woman, because what they have also not allowed themselves to do is heal those micro traumas.

Kimberly Snyder (24:00.46)
Yes.

Monica Yates (24:01.295)
the people pleasing patterns, the being afraid to show their true self, their abandonment issues, their money issues, their disconnection from their heart. All of those examples, whilst they might seem little, I’m sure you can agree, and I’m sure you even have your own experiences with this Kimberly, of even those micro traumas can actually end up turning into macro traumas. How I’ll see it is,

the woman or the man that grew up with an emotionally unavailable father, for example, he was there, just emotionally, not fully there. Ruth was always over their head, blah, blah. Like this was a classic case for me as well. Then she ends up getting herself when she’s a teenager and a young adult into really unhealthy relationships with men. And then that micro trauma has turned into macro trauma because now she’s gotten, you know, sexually assaulted or…

Kimberly Snyder (24:33.997)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (24:46.222)
You

Monica Yates (24:54.011)
You know, she’s in really toxic relationships herself where there’s absolutely down the drain. And it’s like, okay, so the trauma, the big trauma didn’t happen when she was five, it happened when she was 25. But if you don’t heal that micro trauma, it will then play out still in your patterns, which can then cause the more macro trauma, especially, you know, late teen years, young adult years.

Kimberly Snyder (25:17.878)
Yeah, when I read The Body Keeps the Score, I remember the moment I read the part where he talked about neglect. And he said, it’s actually potentially one of the most harmful types of trauma. And that was when, similarly to you, my parents were together until my mom passed away. But there was just a level of worth with achievement. I became a perfectionist.

Monica Yates (25:24.509)
Hmm.

Monica Yates (25:43.324)
Mm-hmm.

Kimberly Snyder (25:45.006)
There was a lot of, you they were working, they were hustling. So for me, was like, not, you know, maybe, I don’t know, I don’t personally resonate with the micro trauma because it felt like it was, you know, for so many years that it did shape a lot of patterns. actually was pervasive. And so it was, it was kind of like a macro trauma.

Monica Yates (25:55.345)
Hmm.

Monica Yates (26:03.494)
Right.

Well, and that’s what I’m saying, right? Is like, people can, you know, contextually, like, you know, if they’re reading something or in a conversation, be like, I don’t have any trauma because they wouldn’t validate their perfectionism like you had as something that’s become really debilitating for them. Because it’s like, well, I haven’t, you know, had all these bad things happen to me. But just like you pointed out, that micro trauma actually can be really, really impactful.

Kimberly Snyder (26:34.164)
Yeah, it’s pervasive. It’s not like a one time, like, you know, like a car accident, you have to heal. It’s something that’s so learned. And it’s amazing, Monica, I was saying this to John, not my husband, but my business partners, also John, how much people are talking about trauma now, which I think is amazing, including yourself and your book. Because when we think about our parents generation, there wasn’t all this healing, you know, in this way, the consciousness is

Monica Yates (26:37.368)
No.

Monica Yates (26:49.362)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (26:53.917)
you

Monica Yates (26:59.63)
Nothing.

Kimberly Snyder (27:03.01)
really rising and it’s really amazing to see what will happen in our children’s generation and beyond. Just to have this deeper understanding is so amazing.

Monica Yates (27:07.867)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (27:13.113)
Yeah, it is. it is. And I do think that especially with some of the younger generations and what I’ve seen is that people sometimes can take it too far in the sense of they don’t allow themselves to go and live their life because they start to become so obsessed with purse. I’m very into this kind of like line in the sand. They become so obsessed with personal development and healing that they start to find things that don’t exist. And they start to make everything like,

Kimberly Snyder (27:23.0)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (27:37.282)
Yes. Yes.

Monica Yates (27:41.755)
I must have trauma around this thing. like, blah, blah, blah. And I’m like, no, it’s called being a human. You’ve had a bad day. Feel your emotions. Like you’re okay. Ride the wave and move on. And so think that is really important because I’ve seen it with younger people. you know, like I’m talking about like 20 year olds, you know, and potentially, and I think this is potentially going to get worse if we don’t kind of cut it off where young people are becoming like hyper sensitive. Everything needs.

Kimberly Snyder (27:46.998)
Yes.

Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (28:10.751)
Yes. Yes.

Monica Yates (28:11.567)
a trigger warning, everything hurts their feelings. And it’s actually like victimization, right? And that’s then becoming the trauma for them of they are a victim to everything and the world is out to get them and everything is hard for them. And I’m not saying that they don’t have hardships, like we’ve all been 20 and it’s hard being 20, but they are not allowing themselves to just realize, this is just part of being human. I need to learn to cope with these things and regulate through them and like…

take them on board versus every little thing becomes like, my God, today’s too hard, I can’t do today. Because I think sometimes when I say this happen, I’m like, you are not going to be a functioning adult at the age of 30 with children or even a full-time job because you can’t even deal with just being a university student and your parents are still cooking for you.

Kimberly Snyder (28:53.262)
So that’s three.

Kimberly Snyder (29:00.91)
There’s a resilience, right, to shape us. And I think about, you know, when I left on my own, Monica and I went backpacking and there some really hard moments, but just this confidence that builds and I can do it on my own. So let’s bring that back, let’s bring it back to the feminist, feminine discussion, right? So, which is such a big part of the book and it’s, you know, it’s really interesting to discuss it. So.

Monica Yates (29:02.64)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (29:08.647)
Mm-hmm. Yep.

Monica Yates (29:15.365)
I completely agree.

Monica Yates (29:20.293)
Yes. Yes.

Kimberly Snyder (29:27.854)
Let’s go back to the woman that is, and there was a pretty shocking statistic in your book. think it was 41%. I don’t know if this is in America, women are the breadwinners now. And so of course, there’s not right, wrong here nor there, but let’s say that woman is the breadwinner. And I have many friends who are the breadwinners. How can she create that polarity, that balance?

Monica Yates (29:38.021)
Yeah, the US, yes.

Kimberly Snyder (29:53.836)
the man still feeling like he’s leaning and she’s feeling that wanted. How do we do that within that type of structure?

Monica Yates (29:54.161)
Yes.

Monica Yates (29:58.781)
great question. Yeah. So even just to give a little bit of context, like I’m also the breadwinner and always have been when I met my now husband, my husband also works with me now. And so that adds another layer to the breadwinner. Like I am a breadwinner times two kind of situation because it’s not like he has a different job. Like we are very connected and a couple of really key points for ladies, you know,

Kimberly Snyder (30:16.354)
Yes.

Monica Yates (30:27.905)
I’ve seen more people start to talk about this conversation of being the female breadwinner, but I don’t think it’s coming with the lens of like how to stay in your feminine as you’re doing it. It’s this more masculine, like again, this girl boss like intense female empowerment where I’m like, that is gonna be short-lived. This kind of like, woo, we’re the breadwinner, you know, as women. So number one is that you need to stop making money a masculine thing.

A lot of women, immediately feel like because they’re the one making the money, they’re the ones providing, protecting in the mouth, skin, and et cetera. Now, obviously, if you’re a single mother, it’s a slightly different situation because you’re kind of taking on all of these roles. So we’re just going to talk about the people that, you know, the women that are in a relationship with a man. Yeah. And they need to increase the polarity. So number one is what are the things

that he does or that you can start to actually see that he does, because a lot of the time women just aren’t seeing how much he does, what are the things that he does for you that actually make you feel so provided for and protected that have nothing to do with money? So for example, like, you know, when my husband, locks the, you know, the house up at nighttime, or just yesterday,

Kimberly Snyder (31:35.95)
you

Monica Yates (31:43.117)
I got home and I was like, my tank is empty. I had to pee so badly because I was seven months pregnant that I was like, I couldn’t go to the petrol station. So I just came home and he was like, it’s fine. I’m going to take your car out and get it cleaned and I’ll fill it up with gas. It’s those little examples that don’t cost any money, but the act of him going to do that, but it’s him providing and protecting. When I’m getting on a podcast interview is that he’s making sure like, okay, do you have everything? Is the lighting set up? Blah, blah.

Kimberly Snyder (31:59.725)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (32:12.421)
It’s when we travel, he carries all the bags, he organizes everything. He’s the one checking in. I’m just sitting in the lobby, just lounging like this is great. I don’t have to do anything. I joke about it, but I’m kind of serious sometimes. like, I don’t know how to be an adult because he does everything in terms of the logistics, but it makes me feel provided and protected. We’re about to have a baby in two months and I do not feel with any ounce of my being that it is my responsibility to keep the roof over our head.

even though my company funds our lifestyle in my house, because we’ve had the conversation of if I wanted to stop working or work less or stop doing some of my offers and I made less money, he could just go and find a job again. so just, again, like coming back to what we spoke about at the beginning, the permission as a woman to also change. I’ve been talking about this with some women that have been interviewing me on this topic where

Kimberly Snyder (33:06.157)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (33:11.509)
what they realized in our conversation was that they decided at one point, I want to be the breadwinner, I’m going to run my company, blah, blah, blah. And then they started getting resentment and they did not give themselves permission to change their mind.

Kimberly Snyder (33:24.515)
they were resentment from the husband or from within themselves.

Monica Yates (33:27.963)
Well, it’s, mean, resentment always comes from ourselves first anyway. They were putting the resentment on their husband because it’s like, he gets to spend all this time with the kids. I’m working my ass off, blah, blah. But really what we got down to is that they were not giving themselves permission to step into a new season of life as a woman and decide, I don’t want to be the breadwinner anymore. And so I think even just having that permission in your relationship as a woman is really, really important. We mentioned this earlier, you need to start valuing

Kimberly Snyder (33:33.09)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (33:56.827)
the more traditional feminine things. So when he unpacks the dishwasher, when he tidies the kitchen up, when he picks the kids up from school or folds your laundry, actually, if it’s helpful in the beginning, put a price tag on that. Like what is the money dollar value for you? This helped me in the beginning, truly, this helped me because when we first started dating, he could not understand why I was okay with like paying for the hotel. We met on a chairlift, so we just faced our whole couple, the first…

few months dating, were just like skiing. And you know, when we go skiing, I’m like, well, I would like to stay at this nice hotel, you know, because I’m like, I need the vibes, I’m working at the same time, blah, blah, blah. And of course, he was like, No, I’m not comfortable with that. Because like, you would then be paying because he couldn’t, you know, afford to be paying that price. And I explained to him that the monetary value of him booking my flights

driving the car for us, getting my bag, literally allowing me to turn my brain off and enjoy myself for a weekend is like this much in terms of like a cash dollar amount. And that helped me to value all of the things that he was doing for me, even though I was the one that was like, you know, quote unquote, paying for the weekend. And it also helped him in the beginning to really realize how much I value other things besides money.

Kimberly Snyder (35:15.872)
Yes.

Monica Yates (35:15.909)
And so I think that can be extremely helpful for women. You need to start valuing things and add the dollar if you need to in the beginning to help your brain. But you need to start valuing the things that actually don’t bring in money, like cooking, you know, cooking dinner, picking up the kids from school, folding the laundry, all that kind of stuff. Because to me, that is so incredibly valuable and makes my nervous system relax.

Kimberly Snyder (35:39.854)
Well, and what you’re describing is very different from, I’m thinking of one friend who, you know, she is, you know, a big executive. She makes all the money and then they have hired help and her husband doesn’t do any of the things that you’re describing. So to me, and I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but I just know for me that would feel unattractive. Like I’m not here to support someone just kicking their feet up on the couch and just sort of, you know, it’s

Monica Yates (35:55.677)
Mmm.

Monica Yates (36:00.69)
Yeah.

Yeah.

No. And I’m glad that you brought that up. That’s completely different. Like that is not what that’s not the women that I’m talking to when I’m talking about. You want to be the like, or you are the breadwinner and you want to have polarity. If your man is doing fuck all day, there’s going to be no polarity because you’ve lost respect for him. Right. It’s it’s the women that yet know it’s the women that are like, you know, I’m running my own business. I’m making this much money. And my husband is, let’s say, a school teacher.

Kimberly Snyder (36:10.37)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (36:20.984)
Yeah.

Right. And then who wants to have sex with that person?

Monica Yates (36:35.271)
He loves it, he’s ambitious, he goes blah, blah. Like that’s it. Like he’s got purpose, which a man needs. A man needs to have purpose. You are not gonna be having sex with the man that is putting his feet up, watching sports all day, doing nothing at all. And I say that as like, you know, we have hired help in terms of like a housekeeper and a cleaner and blah, blah. But my husband will still, like yesterday I had a really busy day. came home and I’d prepped dinner before I’d left and he cleaned the kitchen. Like it’s those little things where it’s like, like I’m so grateful.

Kimberly Snyder (36:36.653)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (37:04.337)
for him to do that because then when I came in and I was making dinner as soon as I got out of the car, it was like, wow, he spent 15 minutes cleaning the kitchen up so that it was nice and tidy for me to make dinner in.

Kimberly Snyder (37:16.27)
Well, it’s thoughtful, right? It’s being very, you know, just connected, I would say. And so, you know, one of the things I’m interested, this idea of radiating, right? There’s this essence. And I know I connect with it, you know, through my hard work, just the ways in which I’m, you you can just move, you move in a way when you’re really connected to yourself. And one of the things in the book is you ask introspective questions.

Monica Yates (37:17.596)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (37:21.958)
Yes. Yeah.

Monica Yates (37:27.645)
Mmm.

Monica Yates (37:42.471)
Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (37:46.028)
which I’m a big fan of, Paramahansa Yogananda said that one of the ways in which we can really improve is turning the searchlights at like introspection, journaling. But is there anything physical or somatically that you can like a practice you would recommend for any woman who does feel a bit hardened away from her essence?

Monica Yates (38:06.523)
Yes, this one might be hard for some women, but you can kind of work your way up. Get to the point of being able to dance naked. So start if you need to fully clothed, then the next day or the next week you take your top off, then at one point you’re in your bra and undies, but get to the point where you’re naked and get to the point where you can dance naked in front of the mirror. And it can be really helpful in the beginning if you find that you get quite in your head, closing your eyes and you’re not…

Kimberly Snyder (38:14.594)
No

Kimberly Snyder (38:28.088)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (38:34.725)
I’m not saying dance to like, you know, like Nicki Minaj necessarily. I’m talking about dance to music or like black eyed peas, like you kind of you want, but I’m talking about like dance to music that makes you want to close your eyes and just like go somewhere in your body. And you’re just like, no one’s watching you, right? And you’re just, moving your body and it just, the dancing feels like nourishing to your body basically, right?

Kimberly Snyder (38:59.554)
Mm.

Monica Yates (39:01.667)
And the intention is that when you’re looking in the mirror, eventually when you get to that point, you are able to actually to your point, like almost see your essence. You’re not looking at your physical body. You’re not seeing, my God, I have cellulite on my ass. Like that’s not what you’re looking at. What you’re looking at, what you’re seeing is like the true you. You’re seeing this radiance, this feminine energy where you’re dancing around and you’re like the thought actually in your head becomes.

Like, wow, I’m so sexy. Like I’d want to tap that. That’s what I want you to get to. So I feel like that can be a really big practice. give it to so many of my clients and it can be really triggering in the beginning. And so if it is, you don’t need to jump from like, I hate my body to I love my body. Just jump from like, I hate my body to I just accept myself right now. And I’m going to keep moving through this and feel the discomfort. And like some of my clients, it is such a moving practice that they’re like crying.

Kimberly Snyder (39:33.89)
Mm, dear.

Kimberly Snyder (39:50.787)
Yeah.

Monica Yates (39:58.127)
during it. But that can be a really nice just practice if you’re starting to want to get into your body. But I also want to say really quick that I’m very big on feminine energy, just not equal dancing naked. Instagram makes it like, all you have to do to be in your feminine is do these list of things every day, and then you’re going to be feminine, no feminine energy. You don’t have to dance naked. My whole thing is that once you have

Kimberly Snyder (39:58.222)
Mmm.

Monica Yates (40:25.575)
cleared your trauma as a woman, your natural state is feminine energy. I didn’t dance naked this morning. I don’t have to do, because that’s masculine, I don’t have to do anything to be feminine now because I’ve healed all the things that were making me disconnected from my feminine. So just, you know, for the listeners, remember that. I don’t want you to think like, this is now what I have to do for the rest of my life every single day because we don’t all have time for that. It’s a tool. Exactly. It’s a practice.

Kimberly Snyder (40:50.478)
It’s one tool. Yeah.

Monica Yates (40:54.545)
to do to help you to start to connect to your body.

Kimberly Snyder (40:59.01)
Beautiful. And then, you for me, back to the heart again, Monica, because we’re talking about the same essence that’s soft and non-linear and it’s intuitive, just dropping in. We do this heart aligned meditation, just getting out of this very rigid ideas in the mind. You know, all these practices are just different tools in the tool belt. So I could talk to you all day, Monica. I just realized that we’ve been, you know, chatting and chatting, but

Monica Yates (41:02.983)
Yep.

Monica Yates (41:20.262)
Yeah.

haha

Kimberly Snyder (41:28.002)
Congratulations on your book, which explores all these topics really to bring us back to our essence instead of telling us how it has to be, rather this offering of, you know, coming back, coming back home, coming back to the true self, to the heart, however you think of it. So tell us where we can get your book, which is just out now, Becoming Her, Straight Talk for Healing a Body and Irradiating as Your Most Powerful Self.

Monica Yates (41:30.737)
Thank you.

Monica Yates (41:44.955)
Yes.

Monica Yates (41:56.433)
Yeah, you can get it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, wherever you get your books from. And if you love to listen, I also have a podcast called Feminine as Fuck, and that dives even deeper into a lot of the things in the book. So if you read the book and you love that, and especially if you love that kind of conversation style, then the podcast could also be a really great resource. Yeah.

Kimberly Snyder (42:18.636)
wonderful. So we will link everyone directly in our show notes to Monica’s book and her information, which will be at mysaluna.com. Congratulations again, Monica. Thank you so much for sharing about this very important topic, which is this conversation that’s really very much needed in the world today.

Monica Yates (42:29.351)
Thank you.

Monica Yates (42:38.535)
Thank you for having me, Kimberley. It’s been a joy.

Kimberly Snyder (42:41.448)
Such a joy and everyone will be back here Thursday as always for our next Q &A show. So remember you could submit questions on the website as well. Check out the links, check out the show notes. We’ll be back here in a few days. Till then take great care and sending you so much love.