Be the Boss of Your Own Life with Shauna Brittenham Reiter [Ep. #977]
This Weekās Episode:
Kimberly speaks with Shauna Brittenham Reiter, author of āYou Are the Boss of You.ā They discuss the journey to wholeness, overcoming trauma, and the importance of self-soothing and emotional awareness. Shauna shares her personal experiences with anxiety and perfectionism, emphasizing the significance of understanding the true self versus the ego. The discussion also touches on parenting and the power of presence and pausing in daily life.
About Shauna Brittenham Reiter
Shauna Brittenham Reiter is a Bestselling Author, and the founder of Alaya Naturals wellness brand born from her personal journey of overcoming Crohnās disease, congenital neutropenia, and a heart condition. She passionately advocates holistic healing and natural health, combining science and nature to empower others on their wellness journeys. Prior to founding Alaya Naturals, Shauna shared her voice as a singer and songwriterāher album Dreamerās Dream was released in 2017. Shauna is a frequent podcast guest and coveted mentor to many. She currently resides in Los Angeles with her husband and two children.
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Guest Resources
Book: You Are the Boss of You: Cultivate the Mindset and Tools to Live Life on Your Terms
Website: https://www.helloshauna.com/
Website: Alaya Naturals
Episode Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Shauna Brittenham Reiter
01:51 Journey to Wholeness: Overcoming Trauma
06:05 Understanding the True Self vs. Ego
10:15 Somatic Awareness and Emotional Processing
15:13 Hypervigilance and Its Impact on Relationships
19:10 Self-Soothing and Inner Child Work
24:03 The Power of Presence and Pausing
29:01 Centering Through Breath and Compassion
32:18 The Power of Pausing and Self-Care
35:47 Tuning Your Instrument: The Art of Patience
39:58 Creating Space for Creativity and Reflection
43:40 Owning Your Time and Choices
49:54 Establishing Boundaries and Self-Trust
54:54 Tools for Living Life on Your Terms
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KIMBERLYāS BOOKS
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Transcript:
Kimberly Snyder (00:00.731)
Hi everyone and welcome back to our Monday interview show. I am so excited for my very special guest today, who is the author of the new book, You Are the Boss of You, Cultivate the Mindset and Tools to Live Life on Your Own Terms. Shauna Brittenham-Reiter is also the founder of the wellness company, Alea Naturals, and sheās an entrepreneur. Sheās dedicated to empowering others.
And she, her first album, actually, Dreamers was released in 2017. Sheās an artist. She was a Montessori school teacher. Sheās the mother of two. Shauna, so many amazing parts of your bio. Iām so excited to chat with you as well about your new book. Congratulations. Thank you for being here.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (00:47.822)
Thank you so much for having me on. I love your podcast and I feel really honored to be your guest.
Kimberly Snyder (00:55.607)
itās so lovely to speak to you. And I went through your book and I loved hearing so much about your story and really your, your true, you can really feel your intention to share and to support others and so many different areas that Iām excited to chat with today. Before we go further though, I want to mention that the show notes for todayās show, our interview with Shana will be at mysolluna.com.
where you can find links to other articles and podcasts and many other things that I think you will enjoy. So Shauna, letās dive right in here. And thereās so many different parts and so many different tools. You talk about trauma, you talk about sleep, which I loved the very practical elements that you brought in. And as a busy working mama, I really relate to that as well. And it just feels like when I was reading your book, you know, weāre all on this journey back to wholeness.
Right? And thereās so many different aspects, trauma, things that happen in our childhood, these patterns that we learn, it sort of, you know, create this opposite of wholeness. creates this fragmentation. So itās almost this, you know, bringing things back together. Can you share with us a little bit about, you you shared in the book, you know, some of the trauma youāve been through and your amazing experiences that brought you to where you are today. Can you share a little bit about
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (02:15.534)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (02:21.871)
how you feel now versus letās say before you had all these tools, right? Because sometimes I think weād, weāre healed, weāve arrived, we donāt have negative feelings or triggers anymore, which I donāt think is really true. Itās more that weāve evolved and we do have tools and we do have a higher understanding. So can you explain a little bit how your experience is now from these tools and I imagine how you would want others to feel after
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (02:46.446)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (02:51.14)
reading your book.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (02:52.946)
Mm Thank you so much for asking this beautiful question. Yeah, I agree. Itās a continuum. We never arrive at a place of permanent emotional freedom or expansion. Not every day feels like itās as full of ease. Life is confusing. There are many moving parts and as we evolve, I think for me, at least personally, my hope is to feel more and more resilient as I encounter whatever it is that lifeās going to throw my way. So
Kimberly Snyder (03:05.008)
Yeah.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (03:22.722)
The things I talk about in the book in terms of self-advocacy and creating boundaries and learning to self-soothe and learning to sleep, all of these things I wrote about because Iāve struggled so immensely with them and continue to be faced with new opportunities to grow and learn more. So there was a point in my life in which I would say anxiety was paramount.
Anxiety can be almost deceiving because itās just such a deep internal experience that what you present to the outside world doesnāt always reflect whatās going on internally. So for me, I was like very high achieving at a certain point. You know, Iāve pursued a lot of different careers with varying degrees of quantifiable success. But I always felt like I was able to sort of achieve what I wanted to.
Kimberly Snyder (03:54.104)
Yes.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (04:16.91)
but never had the feeling I hoped to have when I technically arrived at where I thought I wanted to be. And so I think the most sort of poignant part of my life now is feeling like wherever I am and whatever Iām doing, I feel pretty good. And by good, I think what I mean is I feel unencumbered by the things that keep me from being my true self. And so, you know, at our core, weāre all sort of ultimately
Kimberly Snyder (04:34.234)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (04:41.787)
Mmm.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (04:46.582)
I believe full of joy and possibility and a sense of hope and a sense of abundance and a sense of freedom and peace. And trauma is what strips us of access to that truth. But at our core, that is who we fundamentally remain, regardless of what weāve been through or how weāre experiencing ourselves.
And so today, based on the tools that Iāve learned and created and worked tirelessly to internalize, I was gonna say master, but thatās just not true. To internalize, I would say like, I feel a level of resilience that Iāve never felt before in the sense that I know that whatever is going on internally or externally, I can navigate.
with a certain level of grace and ease that I just didnāt have before. So what would happen previously is I would just break physically. And that would be the clue that I was overwhelmed and didnāt know how to manage my stress or emotions. And now Iām cognizant of whatās going on. Iām aware and introspective and I pause consistently to assess and to sort of, you
Kimberly Snyder (05:47.075)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (06:02.501)
Hmm.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (06:05.064)
gain access to my physiological experience, which is usually indicative of whatās going on emotionally, and then readjust and reframe constantly over and over minute by minute so that my experience, you know, in terms of what Iām projecting is actually reflecting my internal world, which again was not always the case.
Kimberly Snyder (06:26.477)
Yeah, I love that, Chana. When I was reading your book, there was a lot in your story that I also really related to, that idea of the seeking, the perfectionism, the trying to get the worthiness. And when you talk about the core, and I love that you use the term true self, which is something I also use, and itās a very yogic concept, this pseudo self, the ego, it takes us away from our truth in so many ways. And a lot of us
donāt really learn growing up that the core is not this identification with feelings. And for me, a lot of itās accessing it through the heart, not just listening to the head. So the part where in the book we talk about the I am, I am, the I am that I am, like this essence, the true self, the heart energy, not I am these feelings is so powerful. When you talk about the tools of
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (07:07.758)
Hmm.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (07:13.454)
Mm-hmm.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (07:23.758)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (07:24.283)
First of all, allowing the feelings to come through. For me, itās staying stable in the heart, in the heart coherence, but allowing ourselves to feel and not repress, but at the same time, not identify with the feelings.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (07:38.888)
Yes, being aware and acknowledging feelings doesnāt mean that we have to necessarily believe the experience is reflective of who we are fundamentally. So we can believe the experience itself because itās real. What youāre feeling at any given moment in time is valid because itās actually happening. But what it isnāt is necessarily a reflection of who you are as a person fundamentally. We tend to conflate those two things.
Kimberly Snyder (07:46.411)
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (08:06.005)
So letās, yeah. So letās be specific, Shana. Letās say you have a trauma or, you know, Iāll use it, Iāll use myself, a trauma of, you know, Iāll get, I used to get really agitated if someone interrupted me or didnāt seem like they understood me, right? So this old trauma around not being seen or heard as a child. And then I would start to, you know, be aware that this agitation was being projected on
this story, right? Iām not being seen and heard. So now to your point, when I feel that energy, I can pause and say, wait, this is an old trauma living in me. Itās in me. So I kind of bring it back here.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (08:49.878)
Yes, exactly. And in addition to that, I think itās important to differentiate the experience from your identity. So you are not an irritable person. Youāre not a person whoās prone to agitation. Youāre a person who hasnāt metabolized trauma and itās causing a certain reaction. Thereās reactivity in your mind and body because of this process of
Kimberly Snyder (08:58.117)
Yeah.
Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (09:10.083)
Yes, itās true a lot.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (09:17.13)
integrating trauma that has been overlooked, but it doesnāt necessarily, you know, have in any way represent who you are at your core. So if we begin to process and, and really work on why it is weāre reacting a certain way, hopefully our behavior over time begins to evolve. but regardless of how reactive you are, youāre still the same person fundamentally.
Kimberly Snyder (09:38.361)
Yes.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (09:46.703)
and youāre not the ways that youāre behaving.
Kimberly Snyder (09:49.547)
Exactly. Itās again, away from the heart away from the true self away from the loving wholeness. So Shana, when we talk about metabolizing the trauma, one of the things that you talk about is somatic awareness, like whatās going on in our body and releasing. So for me, even when I understood the trauma, like this happened, was neglect or whatever, like I felt at certain points.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (09:52.931)
Mm.
Kimberly Snyder (10:15.291)
When I would be in those experiences, I would breathe through and I would let myself feel and kind of release. And these are tools and ways that arenāt just in words, right? Like itās not just talk therapy, thereās energetic ways to process. Can you talk a little bit about, you talk about all sorts of modalities. You talk about tapping and emotional, you know, just so many different.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (10:39.382)
I love emotional freedom technique, I mean, but just to sort of reflect back to you, own physical gestures, multiple times since we logged on to this conversation, youāve touched your heart. And thatās just something thatās intuitive to you now because itās a tool that youāve learned to reconnect to your heart and to sort of get out of your mind. I think physicalizing things is so important. I mean, I tend to get in my head a lot.
Kimberly Snyder (10:52.823)
Yes. Yes.
Kimberly Snyder (11:05.477)
Yeah.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (11:08.2)
And at a period of time in my life where I was very high anxiety and hypervigilance was prevalent, I would say I lived primarily in my mind and never really felt totally embodied. I felt a little bit removed from my physical experience. And so even just touching your body the way you do so beautifully and so intuitively is a way to reconnect and understand that weāre more than our minds.
Kimberly Snyder (11:19.951)
Mm-hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (11:33.851)
Hmm.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (11:34.49)
when I was learning to sing, had a wonderful singing coach named Steven Mammal. Heās still around teaching. and I would get so trapped in my mind because of that perfectionistic piece. wondering how I sounded, sort of anticipating potential feedback or judgment. And so preemptively editing myself or holding back and restraining my true voice because I wasnāt sure what would come out and how people would perceive it.
Kimberly Snyder (11:53.999)
Right.
Kimberly Snyder (12:03.81)
here.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (12:05.082)
Fear, totally fear, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of hoping Iām something Iām not. know, Steven would have me do these really outrageous movements physically. So when he saw I was getting too trapped in my head, so for instance, I would be hopping on one foot and rubbing my, you know, using my hand clockwise to make a circle above my head.
Kimberly Snyder (12:09.498)
Hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (12:25.819)
you
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (12:32.725)
And then as soon as he saw that I had assimilated that move and was still able to think through it, he would then change the choreography so that I wasnāt able to focus on my voice. So in other words, allowing our bodies to have a place in the scene. Weāre not floating heads, but many of us kind of walk around trying to think and overanalyze because thereās protection and feeling safe. Like weāve accounted for all of our options or.
Kimberly Snyder (12:44.357)
Hmm.
Kimberly Snyder (12:51.227)
Yeah.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (13:02.264)
problem solved by thinking through every potential scenario.
Kimberly Snyder (13:04.763)
Is that the hyper focus that you talked about at one point, this hyper vigilance, hyper focus, thatās almost a trauma response, right? Like we donāt feel safe. So if we clamp down, we can control more of our experience.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (13:19.958)
Absolutely, and if we predict everything that could possibly go wrong, then thereās no way we can get hurt or that someone can hurt us. So thatās still a theme thatās really big in my life that Iām trying very hard not to pass down to my children with varying levels of success depending on the thing. But like, for instance, my son is very aware of whether or not heās cold and he will respond to his physical cues by putting on a coat.
Kimberly Snyder (13:27.183)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (13:44.388)
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (13:48.706)
But I preemptively want to put a coat on him to prevent him from feeling cold, to make sure heās not uncomfortable. So when we trust ourselves and when we trust our bodies and when we slow down and have enough awareness to realize whatās going on and how to respond to it, when we have the confidence of believing weāre able to respond to whatās happening in real time, we donāt put the coat on before weāre cold. We donāt eat the snack before weāre hungry, right? And so,
Kimberly Snyder (14:13.753)
Great.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (14:17.816)
Similarly, like we wouldnāt think through every single potential unknown variable in regard to a decision thatās, you know, that is relating to our future because weāre not there in that moment yet. Thatās fiction. Right. By being present every moment, we get the information we need to make the next best decision at the right time versus thinking 50 steps ahead.
you know, in a world of imagination that is purely fiction and has nothing to do with what may or may not happen in real time, right? So itās this kind of trusting ourselves. Go ahead.
Kimberly Snyder (14:58.299)
Do you think this trauma, this hypervigilance can make us more, like we can create even more stories and narratives about other peopleās motives or look too deeply into what do they mean or whatās going on here? Do you think thereās a lot of energy?
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (15:13.326)
Well, it has for me. mean, Iāve been hyper. Yeah, I mean, I would call it like my husband bluntly calls it paranoia. I call it fear. You know, itās all levels of pain around not wanting to be judged, rejected, isolated and lonely. So in order to stay in peopleās good graces subconsciously or consciously, many of us who felt
Kimberly Snyder (15:21.604)
Mmm.
Kimberly Snyder (15:34.692)
Yeah.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (15:41.236)
isolated and alone as children are misunderstood, or like we werenāt fully seen or heard, do everything in our power to ensure that that experience doesnāt happen again as adults. And so weāre sort of, absolutely.
Kimberly Snyder (15:54.508)
in a variety of people pleasing or keeping a distance from people.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (16:01.614)
not letting people fully access your true self, you know, and not presenting your whole emotional experience to people so that theyāre not in a position to judge you or creating an image that you feel like people will receive, you know, versus maybe just being your authentic self in a moment that is really raw.
Kimberly Snyder (16:24.283)
Well, Iām laughing, Shana, because when you think about social media, right, and how much, how many masks there are, and itās just, you know, a whole way in which people can hide behind identities.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (16:40.364)
Yeah, I mean, so I just believe or not, I just joined Insta. Well, you canāt believe it, because if you go on my page, youāll see that I have like, three followers and maybe two of them are dogs. donāt know. Like I think one of the followers recently was actually a dog. I just joined social media in October of this past year. so I am very new and not because any, thereās nothing evil, like innately, right? Like thereās, thereās nothing on
Kimberly Snyder (16:59.961)
Yeah, it just didnāt resonate with me.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (17:08.844)
the planet that I believe is inherently good or bad, really. Itās just what we make of it and how we choose, the lenses through which we choose to interpret things. I didnāt feel like I knew how to be authentic using that particular channel of communication, nor do I fully receive that way. I love conversation, which is why I listen to podcasts religiously. I wasnāt sure in how, in sound bites, how to represent myself. And Iām still not.
Kimberly Snyder (17:27.788)
Right.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (17:38.438)
I mean, I still havenāt made like, I think I made one video that my seven year old at the time made for me to promote the book. Otherwise I donāt do impromptu videos or things of that nature. And so sort of understanding that weāre all just trying to present what we feel will ensure and guarantee love and a sense of safety is a great starting point, you know, anytime you log on to social media.
Like, weāre all wanting the same things. Weāre all wanting to belong in community and feel a part of something.
Kimberly Snyder (18:14.779)
Yeah, and I feel like, you know, when weāre talking about these feelings or being triggered by trauma or not feeling sure, one of the things that you talk about that has been a big learning experience for me these last few years is self-soothing. Because often weāre led to believe that if I get this achievement or this validation, like thatās how Iām gonna feel good, or I can rely on this person to
making me feel okay. Can you share a little bit about some of these tools and how youāve self-soothed yourself? And I also thought it was really interesting because we hear about this term inner child a lot, but there was a term that I had never heard of. I wrote it down here, shadow parents. Because Iāve said, Shauna, the way I parent my children is how I wish I was parented many ways. I constantly tell them,
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (19:10.648)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (19:13.179)
I love you because of you. You need to do nothing for love. Like Iām almost talking to myself. You know, itās really interesting.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (19:21.021)
1000%. Thatās how I learned to talk to myself, Kimberly. Like that 1000%, I mean, it became so simplified when I had my son. A, because I do love him unconditioned. My son is 10 right now, he just turned 10 and my daughter is eight, she just turned eight. And when they were born, it was like, oh my gosh, now I really do understand this piece of.
Kimberly Snyder (19:24.601)
was your children.
Kimberly Snyder (19:32.59)
in the older.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (19:46.41)
love that was so elusive to me in the past, which is that does it really matter what you do? Iām still going to love you a hundred percent. What I say to my son all the time is you are a hundred percent valuable at birth, which I write about in the book. Thereās nothing that can subtract from or add to your value as a human. So you donāt need to impress me. Like you canāt change the way I feel about you.
Kimberly Snyder (19:49.455)
Yeah.
Kimberly Snyder (20:05.883)
Itās beautiful.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (20:09.91)
The other day there was something he wanted to tell me. It was actually so cute and so benign, but like in his mind it was this really big deal, this secret that he was hoarding and he was afraid to come clean and like share it with It was like about, you know, fantasy about a dinosaur, whatever. It was so benign, but for him it was this big thing. And what I said to him was, thereās nothing you could say to scare me. Thereās nothing you could say to drive me away.
Kimberly Snyder (20:36.091)
Mmm.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (20:36.576)
There is nothing you could say to make me love you less. And thereās nothing you could say to make me love you more. In other words, like youāre safe completely. So in learning to talk to my children, and actually I didnāt have to learn, like itās the first intuitive thing maybe Iāve ever done is communicating with them. you know, I then was able to give that same grace to myself. So.
Kimberly Snyder (20:43.641)
Well.
Kimberly Snyder (20:54.81)
Yeah.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (21:05.293)
you know, gosh, youāre really sad. You seem really down right now. Whatās going on? And okay, right now I understand that you feel really rejected by your friend group. Like, doesnāt mean that youāre any less lovable. Theyāre just not your people or theyāre not treating you kindly right now. Itās not a reflection on who you are. All these things that we tell, you know, whether or not you have children, you know, Iām sure youāre telling this to your girlfriend as well or your neighbor or your coworker, like.
Kimberly Snyder (21:21.263)
Right.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (21:32.34)
we all want to be talked to the way we would talk to someone we love. And so if we can just empower ourselves to have that conversation internally instead of waiting for the outside to validate us, itās incredibly liberating. Itās a huge time saver. And it also makes your relationships a lot more fluid because youāre not sucking the life force out of the people you love and are reliant on for support.
Kimberly Snyder (21:49.179)
Yeah.
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (21:58.132)
Now that Iām learning to self-sue, itās been like, you know, a very long, long process and Iām still very much in the trenches of it daily. But Iāve noticed a huge shift even in terms of how I interact with my husband, because Iām not like racing to him to tell me, okay, you know, Iām, Iām offering myself that affirmation. Yeah. yeah. yeah. And I mean, when I was an insomniac, I was still coming out of the throes of many decades of insomnia when I my husband.
Kimberly Snyder (22:13.741)
right? Did you use to? Did you use
Shauna Brittenham Reiter (22:25.44)
I would sometimes just wake him up. Like the way a child wakes up a parent in the middle of the night and saying, like, I canāt sleep. You know, I have anxiety, I canāt sleep. And in solidarity, he would just stay awake with me because heās that kind of guy. you know, the point being that I for sure was looking to him for affirmation and just to basically say, youāre okay. Ultimately, the message I always want to hear is,
youāre lovable, youāre enough, and youāre okay exactly as you are in this moment. Like you donāt have
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