Acknowledging and Releasing Emotional Wounds [Episode #440]
This week’s topic is: Acknowledging and Releasing Emotional Wounds
When I started working in wellness and talking about health and just feeling good, I didn’t really even think or talk about emotions that much, which is funny now because I think it’s such a huge part of wellness.
I think for a lot of us starting out on our journeys, we think about our diet and what we’re going to eat and how we’re going to exercise. But as time has gone on and all the research I’ve come across, just reinforces more and more to me how much our emotional wellbeing plays a part in our overall health, our bodies, our adrenals, our hormones, our skin and wrinkles, our metabolism and our hair health and so much more.
When we were creating our Solluna Cornerstones for true beauty, the first is food which is fundamental of course and always will be. Second is body, third is emotional wellbeing, and fourth is spiritual growth. So, I’m really excited to highlight this topic more. I think it affects all of us and I think that the more we delve in, the more benefit we can get from it and feel better in our lives, feel better in our bodies, and just move forward in our lives.
Have you been wondering about this very topic? If you want to know the answer to this question and 3 more sent in by Beauties just like you, listen now to find out!
How can I overcome the feeling of being incompetent at work because I take criticism too personally and emotionally?
Tyra – Washington, D.C.
I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight in the past 6 months but seem to still look in the mirror and see the overweight version of myself. I want to be able to move on but not sure how? I’d love some tips!
Becki – Reno, Nevada
I’ve buried some old wounds from when I was little (parents getting divorced) and I’m conflicted on whether these should be dredged up or better left alone. I still think about the pain, particularly around holidays and birthdays, and wonder if I need to face this head on?
Cassie – Texas
I broke up with my boyfriend two years ago and still get sick to my stomach whenever I see him around town with his new girlfriend. I have a new relationship as well, but can’t seem to shake feelings of resentment. I’d be so grateful for any advice on how to just move on and get over it!
Inspirational Thought Of The Week
“The past has no power over the present moment.” – Eckhart Tolle
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Kimberly: Hey Beauties. Welcome back to our Thursday Q and A podcast, where our topic today is acknowledging and releasing emotional wounds. When I started working in wellness and talking about health and just feeling good, I didn’t really even think or talk about emotions that much, which is funny now because I think it’s such a huge part of wellness. But I think for a lot of us starting out on our journeys, we think about our diet and what we’re going to eat and how we’re going to exercise. But as time has gone on and all the research I’ve come across, just reinforces more and more to me how much our emotional wellbeing plays a part in our overall health, it affects our bodies, it affects our adrenals, it affects our hormones, it affects our skin and wrinkles and our metabolism and our hair health and so much else.
Kimberly: So, when we were creating our Solluna Cornerstones for true beauty, the first is food which is fundamental of course and always will be. Second is body, third is emotional wellbeing, and fourth is spiritual growth. So, I’m really excited to highlight this topic more. I think it affects all of us and I think that the more we delve in, the more benefit we can get from it and feel better in our lives, feel better in our bodies, and just move forward in our lives.
Kimberly: So, I am super excited as you can tell. Before we go even further, I just want to give a quick reminder to please leave us a review on iTunes. You’ve probably heard me say this before, and if you put it off, maybe today is the day. It just takes two minutes, beauty, and it could be one sentence. It could almost be a few words. But it’s such a great, energetic way to support the show. We all know in this day and age how important reviews are and it can help other beauties like yourself find the show and possibly change their life or get information that could really help them.
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Kimberly: So, thank you so much in advance. And also, please remember to subscribe to our show since we’re all so busy and the day and the weeks can go by and when you subscribe, it’s like a constant source, an influx of motivation and inspiration and positivity coming in and again, you never know what topic or what little piece of advice or information could really benefit from you. So, I highly recommend you subscribe.
Kimberly: And all that being said, we have our beautiful Katelyn waiting in the line with us. She has gathered the questions. Katelyn is our general manager of Solluna. We talk about all these stuff a lot together, she and I. So, I think that’s one of the reasons, Kay, that this podcast feels so organic. Because it’s like we’re always just having one of our normal conversations.
Katelyn: 100%. Glad to be back again, beauties, with you. I agree, we were just talking this morning and digging into some of this emotional wounds topic. So, I think we’ll have a nice conversation for the beauties today, pick up where we left off this morning.
Kimberly: Exactly. Exactly.
Question 1: How can I overcome the feeling of being incompetent at work? Because I take criticism too personally and emotionally
Katelyn: All right, this is a big one. So, I don’t want to take too much time here at the beginning just dive right in and get into the thick of it here. So, we have Toa, living in Cambridge, Massachusetts, “How can I overcome the feeling of being incompetent at work? Because I take criticism too personally and emotionally.”
Kimberly: Toa, thank you so much for writing into the podcast. Thank you for sharing. I send you a big virtual hug. I have been there myself. I know that words from other people and validation that we seek from other people can feel really serious and if we don’t get it, if it’s withheld from us, then it really affects how we feel. And in my personal experience, and just things I’ve read and other experts I’ve talked to as well. This can be a mirror from something that happened in our childhood perhaps. If we felt like whatever we did wasn’t enough for our parents or we just had to perform or achieve or accomplish to get love, then this can very much follow us into our adult lives. And unfortunately when we take things so personally, it does create a contraction in our body.
Kimberly: We feel it, we withdraw, everything is affected from our circulation to our metabolism. Our body start to shut down. We don’t feel expansive and open and it affects everything. I think it affects all the systems in our body could even affect our digestion. So this is big topic as Kay said, and this is none of this stuff is like, oh, just start eating carrots. It’s not as easy as prescriptive as some other topics here. But I will say from someone that has a lot of emotional wounds from the past and someone that has done a lot of work around these topics, I really believe if we start just creating that awareness, creating some strategies to work through it, we can and we will. And just like our bodies have this incredible power to heal themselves so to do our emotional wounds, and our patterns and the way that we show up in the world.
Kimberly: So I feel like when we take criticism so seriously, when we take it so personally, it affects ourself worth. It’s because again, we’re putting so much emphasis on the outer world and outer words and outer validation. And the antidote to heal that is to start strengthening our own inner validation and our own inner worth. Which there’s a line in the Dow that says, and I’m paraphrasing here, but it basically says, “You’re the real you, the real self doesn’t need anything to sustain itself.” It doesn’t need the approval of anyone else, including your parents, including your friends. And I know it’s easier said than done in many times. But again, I think if we just start cultivating that awareness, oh I need to be the shelter to myself. I need to validate myself, then we can start working on it.
Kimberly: So the things that helped me were, first of all, just being comfortable, being alone more. When we have a lot of noise, when we always are looking to fill our time, I would constantly call friends or just turn on something to watch or the radio or whatever it was, social media, anything to fill the space. And I think when we start to … Because a lot of us don’t like ourselves deep down and we’re not comfortable. And I think one of the ways to again start building that inner connection, that inner validation is to make it a practice of spending more time with yourself. In stillness, in silence, walking, driving, turning on the radio or calling anybody or just meditating more, sitting with yourself. And I think that strengthens our inner relationship with ourselves. And that’s the beginning.
Kimberly: I used to be so uncomfortable with myself, I would never do it. So when I started doing it, it felt like, oh, what do I do now? How do I feel this time? But I started getting used to being by myself more and now I actually revel in it and I love it. So I think these practices of journaling as well also helped me. Which is a solo exercise. But you can get out your inner most thoughts and put them on paper and just start to feel like it’s purging out of you and wounds can heal that way. I really believe that. I think self introspection can come about when we take something that’s in our head and we write it on a piece of paper. And then community group meditations have been great for me. I go to the Self Realization Fellowship, I like to be around like minded people that are working on positivity.
Kimberly: We also have our online Solluna Circle, which is a really great way to interact with positive, supportive like minded people, which you can check out if you’re interested over our websites, solluna.com. And anything we can do, we’re never going to feel enough from trying to run away from the criticism or be more perfect because there’s always going to be someone that says something, right?
Kimberly: So again, to me, all these exercises, all the ways that you could strengthen your inner space. Yoga is really great. Moving your bodyand then sitting in meditation afterwards. I’ll be getting more back into my home practice with certain poses especially now that I’m pregnant. And I’m just wanting to relieve my back a lot. It just feels so good to move and then to sit. So any practices like this I think will be really helpful and just remembering that you’re amazing as you are Toa. And while the more emphasis we put on outer validation, it becomes more fleeting in it, you will become more sensitive to what people say and the words. But the more we strengthen our inner voice, the less we need that outer validation.
Katelyn: It’s so true. And we do spend so much of our time and our life working. And if we’re in a toxic environment, even if it’s one work creating, right? That constant feeling of being incompetent. I know for me, I struggle a lot with this myself. I’m a perfectionist trying to recover as we often talk about here where I’m really hard on myself and I often go, “Am I doing enough? Is this enough?” Even when everybody is telling me how great I am, I often feel that lack. So even when you aren’t being necessarily judged from others, sometimes you can judge yourself. So what I do Toa is I go through and go, “Is this a fact or is this something I’m telling myself?” And as long as you’re doing, you show up every day to work, you’re putting your best energy, you’re doing everything you can with the skill set you have, then you’re putting it all on the table.
Katelyn: And then if you feel you have some areas of weakness in your work, what I do is I go and I try to learn a little bit more. I maybe take an e-course or I read something or I talk to a confidant and build up a skill set that maybe was a little bit weaker. And then you can feel good about that. Because we all don’t know everything, right?
Katelyn: So I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We live in a world with so much access to technology. We feel like we’re supposed to be these robots that just know everything and know all the answers and it’s okay to say, I don’t know sometimes and go back and follow up and it doesn’t mean you’re incompetent. Just actually means you’re being honest and doing the best work you can. And if people don’t like that, then maybe it’s not the right place to work energetically or you just navigate that because there’s always going to be problems anywhere you go and dealing with people.
Kimberly: Yeah. Thanks for bringing that up Kay because that’s really practical, which I didn’t say. There may be skills to learn, there may be class to take. But at the end of the day, like you said, Kay, because of technology, we can get swept up into that and feel like, oh I need to take more classes. I don’t have enough degrees. I don’t have enough education. I’m not smart enough. And again, that’s not the answer. Like this never ending cycle. So I think, sure, take a survey like look over everything, see if there is something you need to brush up on. But again, I think it still goes back to inner validation largely. It’s just how we view ourselves and we put our self worth and what people say, “Man, is it rough? Is it hard to ever feel good?” Because everybody’s going to have something to say unfortunately. That’s just the world we live in.
Katelyn: Yeah. Something you started saying a while ago was I’m not going to say it exactly right. But basically we’re not always like what we do, right?
Katelyn: Like if I do this then I equal that. Where I am enough as I am, right?
Katelyn: As simple as that big blanket statement. That goes back to what you were saying of no matter where you are as people, we are enough with what we’re doing. We’re doing the best we can.
Katelyn: And I think what you’re saying and that’s a good reminder. Because you can just like be on this hamster wheel of whether it’s achievements or things like that. And it’s never enough if you look at life that way.
Kimberly: Exactly. Exactly. We’re what we do, we’re human beings not human doing. So just being ourself is enough. But again the world and the voices on our head and the self doubt keep telling us that we’re not. But in truth because we are pure consciousness because we just are these amazing, perfect, unique souls underneath it all we are enough. And again, the inner work helps us to remember that. I think that’s probably one of the whole points of life is to get back to that remembrance because we’ve all forgot.
Kimberly: That’s the yogic perspective is that we just need to remember who we are. We say [inaudible 00:14:24] and I bow down to the light within. We focus on the outside. We don’t even connect to the light within a lot of times. But that light inside of us is perfect already. So inner practices help to re-foster that connection that we evolve. We all have little babies are born with it and they’re so pure and innocent and just completely intuitive and completely spontaneous. And then over time we start to get in our heads more. So it’s almost like going back to that baby stage where we feel our own perfection and revel in that.
Question 2: I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight in the past six months. But seem to still look in the mirror and see the overweight version of myself. I want to be able to move on, but I’m not sure how. I would love some tips.
Katelyn: That’s a good one to end on for everybody to sit with that and Toa as we said, it’s a big topic. We could probably spend the whole show just talking about Toa’s question. So I think we gave you guys a lot of nuggets there. So we will jump into Tyra’s question. Who’s living in Washington DC. “I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight in the past six months. But seem to still look in the mirror and see the overweight version of myself. I want to be able to move on, but I’m not sure how. I would love some tips.”
Kimberly: Tyra, thank you so much for your question. I completely, completely relate to this whole topic of body dysmorphia. That’s the word body dysmorpha. I think it’s body dysmorphia that term?
Kimberly: Because I have also suffered from this where there were points in my life where I would be really thin, but I would look in the mirror and I would pinch my thigh or a part of my arm and just say, “Oh, you’re just so fat.” And it wasn’t the reality now my friends were like, “No, you’re so skinny.” But what I saw was a fatter version. It’s so weird to explain this to someone that’s never experienced it because they’re like, “Look, look in the mirror, you’re not.” And then us on the side suffering of this say, “No, but I am.” So there’s this weird disconnect that happens and this just shows how powerful perception is and how powerful we are where we can actually see a different version of ourself.
Kimberly: So again, Tyra, thank you for sharing. I think this is something that a lot of us, especially women suffer from. And I will say this is just a perfect way to talk about the four cornerstones. Because what happens is if we aren’t balanced in one area of wellness or true beauty in our life, we overemphasize one or two. So in this case, you’re overemphasizing your physical body. Which means as I was so, remember our cornerstones are food, body, emotional wellbeing and spiritual growth. So food-wise, I think you’re probably doing really well because you’ve lost a bunch of weight in the past six months, which means you’ve cleaned up your diet or you’ve changed your eating habits, or you’ve hopefully started drinking the glowing green smoothie. You’ve taken care of your gut health, whatever you’ve done to clean things up.
Kimberly: So then body is exercise, sleep, skincare, all these different aspects, but also physical body and how we look and the emphasis on the body actually. So when we start to feel obsessed with our body, which is what’s going on here in ways what was going on with me, it means that we’re ignoring either one or two of the other cornerstones. Which are the emotional wellbeing and the spiritual growth cornerstones. And this goes back to what we were talking about with Toa in the first question about inner validation and inner worth and feeling good about ourselves, not just because we look a certain way or because we’re skinny, but because we are who we are. And that is the spiritual part. That’s the spirit inside of us. It’s not religion, it’s not formality, but it’s about being in touch with our uniqueness.
Kimberly: And again, back to that yogic mantra [inaudible 00:18:42] the light inside of us. So for me, the way that I was able to heal my body obsessions and my eating disorders and all my unhealthy habits was to … I mean this is around the time where I ended up backpacking around the world. And this is where I spent a tremendous amount of time in Buddhist countries and in places like India. I started getting into yoga. There was very uncomfortable times and moments. I remember there’s a lot of confrontation. This guy that I met at a little Ashram near the border of Burma and Thailand told me there was something wrong with my eyes because they were so shifty and I needed to learn to meditate.
Kimberly: So I had all this inner conflict, but I did start to work through it. And I did start to meditate and I did start to sit with myself and I started to get more comfortable with myself. And that to me was the only way I healed my body dysmorphia. Because just like I was saying to Toa if you don’t feel good inside, you’re never going to be perfect enough at work. And people’s words will always hurt you. And it’s the same thing with your body. Your body will never be perfect enough. You will never be skinny enough. You will never be fit enough or toned enough or whatever word you want to use. If we don’t feel good about who we are. And so sitting with our emotional health and our spiritual wellbeing. And that includes meditation, affirmations. For me, having time in the morning is critical. So I sit, I meditate, I journal, I do gratitude practice, I write down some things I’m grateful for. I write my intentions for the day. But I get into a positive mindset and I spend that time with myself.
Kimberly: So I feel less thrown off by the world and I’m not immediately on email. I’m not immediately on social media or anything like that. So it gives me a chance to center in. So that might be something you want to work on Tyra is carving out 10, 20, 30 minutes even. But five or 10 minutes may seem more realistic at first just to have inner practice for yourself in the morning, to start getting into your body more feeling yourself, feeling your spirit. And then that will over time start to lessen, loosen the obsession with the outer body, the more you feel good on the inside.
Kimberly: And again, I think working on things that feel good instead of focusing on how things look. So if it feels good to you to walk outside, to dance or do yoga or a particular type of exercise for me, massages feel really good. So I get my husband to massage me or I do myself or sometimes I pay for them. Just feeling good in your body. And it’s also important I think. So we get away from thinking, thinking, obsessing looking into more of that feeling space as well.
Katelyn: Yeah. It’s so easy to fix it on our physical body. And I’ve said this before, I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia a whole bunch and for me the only thing that’s really helped was just knowing that it doesn’t make me any happier, right? Like to be achieved like maybe how I want to physically. But what has brought me the most happiness is being kind to people. Maybe volunteering, doing a hobby like you said, going outside, like really finding things you enjoy like why am I here? Like, what’s the point? Like, oh, so I can look a certain way I used to want to get a lot of attention from men. So I’m like, “Oh, I need to have this physical body.” That never brought me joy.
Katelyn: And I think we’re looking to achieve something that’s not there, right? It’s like this false reality and it is crazy how we see ourselves in the mirror. So I think it’s so great to talk about this and for everybody to know they’re not alone. And a lot of people struggle with this and it’s hard to talk about, to admit. I see myself as this person in the mirror and then you don’t see me and people look at you like, “You’re okay, you’re fine.” But we don’t feel fine.
Kimberly: And I think in the meantime, while we are working on inner cultivation and connection, I think it’s a good idea to do a media detox. And because then it’s easy to get into that comparative mindset.
Katelyn: That’s true.
Kimberly: So magazines, websites, social media accounts, anything that is very body focused and it’s just like throwing bodies in your face. It’s probably a good idea to take a rest right now while we’re working to heal and strengthen and get past body dysmorphia. Because I remember I would always look at these people in magazines and be like, “Oh my God, look how skinny they are.” Like totally different body type. They were like six feet tall. But just getting away from that and finding other interests, like maybe you start following if it’s outdoor I’m just trying to think like outdoor living or Kay’s really into crafts and she’s making a quilt right now or whatever, like nature, National Geographic, animals.
Kimberly: Just divert your attention away from the onslaught of media focused on bodies while you’re healing as well as I think a really healthy practice. When we’re trying to get past alcohol for an alcoholic, we don’t want to sit and stare at bottles of gin every day or vodka.
Katelyn: Or go to the bar. Yeah.
Kimberly: Exactly. So just try to clear out and work on these practices. And we have a lot of free meditations for you guys as well. And again, I’ll call up the Circle because it’s so aimed at this holistic way of healing and elevating our connection to true beauty. So work on it and be easy on yourself Tyra, because this is a very big thing. It’s very sensitive how we feel about ourselves. We often do tie to our bodies. So just giving you a big hug sister and again, just be easy on yourself but definitely try to incorporate some of these practices that we have spoken of here.
Katelyn: Amazing. Well we’re going to let Kimberly take a short break here, beauties and then she’ll be back to answer the last two questions.
Kimberly: All right beauties, we are back from our break and we have two more questions for you guys on this whole topic around emotional wounds. And we have been talking about how important it is to go within and to connect. And I just want to emphasize how much our emotional state has a physical impact on our bodies. My last book, Recipes for Your Perfectly Imperfect Life talked about research around bloating and inflammation being very directly correlated to our emotions.
Kimberly: So if we are in patterns and we’re stuck and we’re holding on, just know that it does affect everything else and this whole topic may be the key to really helping you get past some of these really frustrating body issues that you’re thinking about as well as of course the larger life changing aspect of just having more peace and joy in your life. So I wanted to point that out. Everything is completely related. Our minds, our feelings, our bodies, everything is one. So again, I think it’s important that we talk about these topics. And if you’re drawn, if you’re someone that’s always like, “Oh, well I just want to hear about food and I want to talk about recipes and what to eat.” This is probably the topic, one of the topics that you really need to think about. Because again, when we don’t balance the cornerstones, we tend to overemphasize one or two of the other ones.
Question 3: I’ve buried some old wounds from when I was little, when my parents got divorced. And I’m conflicted on whether these should be dredged up or be left alone. I still think about the pain, particularly around the holidays and birthdays and wonder if I need to face this head on.
Katelyn: It’s so true. Wherever we have resistance is often where we need to dig in. All right. Let’s jump into Becky’s question living in Reno, Nevada. “I’ve buried some old wounds from when I was little, when my parents got divorced. And I’m conflicted on whether these should be dredged up or be left alone. I still think about the pain, particularly around the holidays and birthdays and wonder if I need to face this head on.”
Kimberly: Becky, thank you so much for your question. And I can feel the energy, your question I send you a lot of love. I think it’s very painful for a lot of us childhood wounds. I know I have wounds. Kay, you have wounds. I mean, there’s probably not anybody on the planet that doesn’t have some childhood wounds. I mean, of varying degrees of course. But I definitely, this is what I feel about. This is what I feel about childhood. And there’s different theories about this. So I have a sister who has a lot of wounds from her childhood so to speak, like stories, things that she really believes and she’s been in talk therapy for over 15 years and it seems like she talks about the same things over and over again and they keep coming up and it never seems to get better.
Kimberly: So that’s one aspect of it. There’s therapy that I think I am a big fan of therapy, I’m a big fan of healing. But I think you need to find the right kind of therapist if your goal is to work through it. Otherwise, you can just relive anger and go into it. For me, I have found therapists and healers where I go right into the pain. And this is when we talk about the Letting Go book with Dr. David Hawkins, Michael Singer, this idea of pulling the thorn out, if you can let yourself really feel the pain of instances, things that happened, I let myself feel then it lasts 10 to 15 minutes at a time. I cry. I could feel it, but it feels like I’m working through it. It’s coming out of my body and then I don’t feel the resentment.
Kimberly: I don’t even feel like maybe I go back and talk about it to an extent. But not like over and over again because it feels like once we let something really be felt in our body, it is that idea like you’re pulling out the thorn. And it starts to come through. So I do believe that addressing childhood things issues can be very helpful in the right context. Again, you know what I was saying about some family members I have, I just think that there’s a wide range of therapists. So I am a huge fan of therapy. I think talking to people is really important. But I think you want to talk to someone who has the same goal as you. Which is to work through something and not just be in there every week, just talking, getting angry over and over again for years and years.
Kimberly: And I have had therapists like that with my ex, we went to couples therapy and it was never got better and we just sat there and I would feel angry whenever I left. Versus who I work with now, this amazing woman, Laura, who I talk about in my last book and we go right into it and to those really hard and I’ll cry and I’ll feel it. But then I actually do feel lighter and I feel like I processed things. So if you’re interested in … Laura works remotely, by the way, Becky, her information is in Recipes for Your Perfectly Imperfect Life. I’m not pushing her I’m just saying, I think she’s amazing. But there are of course many other people out there that could help heal trauma and help heal childhood wounds.
Kimberly: I think we also hold a lot of trauma in our body. A great book is Your Body Keeps the Score, which I recommend reading and it talks about rewiring the brain and trauma from childhood, things that you can work through. Yoga actual poses have been very helpful for me, helping to feel like I’m getting rid of things in my body. Bettering my digestion, things like Detoxy is also really helpful. There were so many years where there was just matter held in my body I was holding on from anger and pain and it was actually impacted in my body.
Kimberly: So flushing out old waste always feels like I feel lighter in my mind as well. So these are some of the things that I recommend. And I was just saying that example too about family members because again, I don’t think that it’s like all therapy works the same. It’s just like, no colon hydrotherapist are not all the same. Pediatricians are not all the same. So my point in saying that was find a way, a person that you want to talk to that feels good to you and you feel like they’re working through to your point about left alone or dredging it up. It’s not just dredging it up to dredge it up, but going into it so you can actually heal from it and feel lighter and then move forward.
Katelyn: Like having that common goal when you work with somebody I think is important because therapists are people just like us and everybody has a different take. It’s like almost like finding the right partner. I’ve found it can be a dance to find the right person. So I think that’s so great to bring up because a lot of people go to therapy once and they go, “That really sucked or that didn’t vibe.” And then they feel like there’s no options where there’s a lot of different types of healers and therapists and nowadays there’s plethoras of options and sometimes it is normal to take a little bit of time to find the right fit.
Kimberly: For sure. Kay. And I know you’ve been through some different therapists.
Katelyn: So many. Yeah. So what, I’ve done the gamut. And sometimes you’ll notice too in your life, people I might’ve seen a few years ago, they wouldn’t fit me now, right? Because I’ve grown and changed and I need a different touch or something else. And that’s okay. And just figuring that out. But I think with today’s show, acknowledging and releasing emotional wounds, it’s just, you’re already taking that step. Becky, you’re acknowledging what’s going on and what you need to do. And I think that that’s a big step for anybody.
Kimberly: Exactly. Thank you so much.
Question 4: I broke up with my boyfriend two years ago and still get sick to my stomach whenever I see him around town with his new girlfriend. I have a new relationship as well, but can’t seem to shake the feeling of resentment. I’d be so grateful for any advice on how to just move on and get over it.
Katelyn: All right. Casey from Texas has a question here, our last one for today. “I broke up with my boyfriend two years ago and still get sick to my stomach whenever I see him around town with his new girlfriend. I have a new relationship as well, but can’t seem to shake the feeling of resentment. I’d be so grateful for any advice on how to just move on and get over it.”
Kimberly: So Casey, thank you so much for your question by the way. I think we can all feel again, we’ve had some kind of experience with a crush or boyfriend or an ex and having that resentment you talk about or just lingering feelings. I think that’s really natural. I think when you’ve been really close to someone and then it doesn’t work out and then they’re off doing something else doesn’t feel good. It feels like salt in a wound. So I will share an exercise that Laura has me do when there’s something like this which bothers me. And I’ll write it down. So in this case, you could write down, my boyfriend has a new girlfriend and it doesn’t feel good. And what she says, and we know what yogic teaching say, and all the great masters say there’s only two real energies in the world.
Kimberly: There’s love, and then there’s fear. And everything that’s not of love falls into some way into the fear category. So if you think about what’s bothering you, be as honest as you can. I do this in my journal or I do with her, it doesn’t have to be this public thing. You don’t have to share it with friends. I love to do it with my journal. I just write it down. What is the fear? So write down the fear. The fear is I’m not good enough for him. The fear could be I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t good enough that’s why he’s with someone else. And then you look at the fear. And since we all are these amazing souls, drops of consciousness, it means we are inherently born with we are born with a channel of truth and wisdom inside of us.
Kimberly: So then you write down, I write it as TNW like truth and wisdom. And I speak to the fear. I don’t make the fear wrong, because the fear is just you have to have compassion for ourselves, we’re humans. We’re going to have that fear. We’re going to have fears, we’re going to have things that come up. So you write the truth and wisdom as if you’re speaking to yourself. So the truth and wisdom in this case could be, well, I know that I’m enough as I am, but I guess we just weren’t right for each other. It doesn’t mean that I’m not good enough. It just means that we weren’t right. And then the fear could speak back and say, “Yeah but if I was good enough, then why did he break up with me?” And then it keeps going back and forth.
Kimberly: And the truth and wisdom could say, “Well, he is on his own journey too. And again, it doesn’t reflect on me that he’s with someone else because I’ve moved on too.” And sometimes whatever, you just keep going back and forth and you keep speaking to the fear and it comes from this soulful place inside of you. And you’ll know, sometimes I’ll go for a page, but you’ll know when you sit with it and you look right into the fear and then you’re speaking from your own wisdom. The truth and wisdom will start to woo like it starts to actually kick in. It starts to feel good. It starts to feel again, putting things down on paper, like this for me feels very healing because I’m getting it all out there. And this awareness that we’ve been talking about with Kay, it’s not hidden anymore.
Kimberly: The reason something doesn’t feel good is because we have a fear around it. So the more we can highlight it and then start to speak to it and do that, whenever it comes up, there’s a great piece that comes from that. It’s a practice. Try it for yourself. It’s been enormously helpful to me because again, the antidote here isn’t trying to look better in front of him or talk crap about his new girlfriend. That won’t feel good either. The antidote is to find peace inside with the situation as it is, because we can’t control the outer situation, but we can just control inside of us. So try this fear versus truth and wisdom exercise. And I’d love to hear how you do.
Katelyn: Yes. Through negating relationships can be super hard and so great to have these tips today as everybody has dealt with, whether it be in a romantic relationship or a family member you go through and you can still feel the same and have to go through your emotions and find a way to feel better. So I know we talked about a lot today, beauties. We will put some resources and our show notes over on mysolluna.com and as always, we want to keep hearing your question so we can keep developing topics. So be sure to submit your question over on the podcast tab on mysolluna.com as well.
Katelyn: And before we let Kim go, I do know I’m probably going to ask you to chime in here with an ending thought for the week.
Kimberly: Yes. And I just want to say to you beauties that have written in today and for any beauties that are inspired by these questions or maybe it’s jarred something inside of you, please write to us. Please write to me. I’m always listening. These are big topics there’s a lot here to work through. So please again, don’t feel like you’re alone. We have a lot of resources for you. Everything from meditations to the Solluna Circle to like I said, people I recommend that you could work with personally on the therapist level, to healing foods. I mean, there’s just so much. So please, we know we’re here to connect and support you. We love you, we’re so grateful for our community. So I just wanted to end with that because emotional wounds is such a big topic and I feel like we know we’re just starting to get into it. But there’s a lot more and sharing and connecting is really important.
Thought of the Week
Kimberly: So my quote of the week that I want to end with, and just leaving your mind, it comes from one of my favorite spiritual teachers of the modern day, Eckhart Tolle. And he writes, “The past has no power over the present moment.” So all of these, all of our wounds come from triggers from something that’s happened to us in the past. Like I said, we’re born as babies that have just this sense of freedom and spontaneity and instinct and curiosity about the world. And then at some point things happen, we hear comments or criticism from parents or caregivers or teachers or whatever. And we start to accumulate these wounds and these triggers that make us react in certain ways. So when we go into the present moment, when we can be with ourselves, when we can meditate, when we can get out of our heads, we can feel all the strategies that we started to talk about today, when we can be in the present moment, then we’re not pulled into past tendencies.
Kimberly: And I can say this from personal experience, how powerful the past can be, but it doesn’t have to keep us a prisoner. We can keep moving forward. And even that last exercise I was just talking about, the fear, talking to the truth and wisdom is a really beautiful exercise for when you start to see that fear for what it is. Just things that were triggered from the past and past pain and the truth and wisdom will help to pull you back into the present moment. As well meditation, as well breathing, as well spending time in nature, all the practices that may feel good to you.
Kimberly: So I wanted to end with that thought. Thank you so much for joining us today. Keep the questions coming. Keep the conversation going. We love you. We are always here. Thank you Kay for gathering the questions. We will see you back here on Monday for our next interview podcast. Have a wonderful, wonderful weekend. Take great care of yourself and we will see you back here soon.