Managing Heightened Emotions [Episode #498]

This week’s topic is: Managing Heightened Emotions

This is a really important topic, I think because we can all feel stressed out. We can all let our emotions build up and then bubble out of us when we’re not expecting it. And of course, this affects our relationships. This affects our stress hormones. This accelerates aging. This can affect our sleep and just our overall quality of well-being and feeling good in our lives. Emotions can hijack us and keep us from living our best life.

We definitely want to talk about this today and give you some tools and tips and strategies for dealing with out of control emotions, which especially for us ladies, can feel that they are swinging out of control, particularly around our moon cycle time.

Have you been wondering about this very topic? If you want to know the answer to this question and 3 more sent in by Beauties just like you, listen now to find out!

Remember you can submit your questions at https://mysolluna.com/askkimberly/

[Questions Answered]

Kasia – Canada 

How can I not be so reactive? I often let my emotions get the best of me in the moment.

Kathryn – Boston

How do you eliminate fear? I notice my default thoughts and reactions are usually fearful ones, thinking about the possible negative outcomes before positive ones.

Sulay – Quebec

How can we more appropriately find the emotional blockages that we have? What I mean is that sometimes they are so hidden that we aren’t even aware of what we are lugging around, if that makes sense?

Jaime – Nevada

When I snap at my husband and kids I really go all out, sometimes I throw things and a curse word may slip out and I feel awful when I see my kids’ expression on their faces. How can I find the right balance so I get my point across without this extreme behavior? It’s embarrassing.

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Inspirational Thought Of The Week

Take your power back and affirm that all your needs deserve to be met.

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Other Podcasts you may enjoy!:

• Best Of: Balancing Our Emotions
• Breaking Through Old Habits and Fears!
• Growing Through Difficulties with Elizabeth Lesser
• Overcoming Negativity and Self Doubt

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Transcript:

Note: The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate. This is due to inaudible passages or transcription errors. It is posted as an aid, but should not be treated as an authoritative record.

Kimberly: 00:02 Hey, Beauties. Welcome back to our Thursday Q and A podcast, where our topic today is managing heightened emotions. And this is a really important topic, I think because we can all feel stressed out. We can all let our emotions build up and then bubble out of us when we’re not expecting it. And of course, this affects our relationships. This affects our stress hormones. This accelerates aging. This can affect our sleep and just our overall quality of wellbeing and feeling good in our lives. Emotions can hijack us and keep us from living our best life.

Kimberly: 00:44 We definitely want to talk about this today and give you some tools and tips and strategies for dealing with out of control emotions, which especially for us ladies, can feel that they are swinging out of control, particularly around our moon cycle time. There’s definitely a hormonal connection there. And I feel that myself in my own body and especially for me in this postpartum period, which is especially notorious for dealing with swinging rebalancing hormones. Anyways, enough about that. I can not wait to hear what your questions are. We have as always our lovely Katelyn … I want to say Hughes K, Katelyn Rush. She’s gone through this beautiful rebirthing and got remarried and is living in a new state. Hey Kay, sending you lots of love and thank you so much for being on the podcast today and gathering all these questions.

Katelyn: 01:44 Thank you. Yeah, super glad to be here with you guys. I love community time, whether it’s over on the Facebook groups or here on the podcast or when we eventually get to do in person meetups, love being … It’s one of my favorite times and most meaningful to me and the work we do. And I love this topic. I definitely have had a lot of emotions and heightened ones during the last few months. I can relate to you ladies and your questions.

Kimberly: 02:13 Amazing.

Question 1: How could I not be so reactive? I often let my emotions get the best of me in the moment.

Katelyn: 02:13 Let’s see what advice you have for some of these questions here. We have Kasha from Canada, “How could I not be so reactive? I often let my emotions get the best of me in the moment.”

Kimberly: 02:29 Kasha, thank you so much for writing in. I think first of all, I want to applaud you for being aware. I think awareness is a huge part of cracking the code to managing emotions. I think when we get defensive and we constantly say it’s about this other person or this other situation, we’re not really ready yet to heal from it because we don’t notice that it’s actually starting from us. First of all, congratulations. I think it’s really beautiful and very strong of you to notice and to admit that you can be reactive and I … In the past especially, I could be reactive. And I think that that’s due to almost a low level in the background level of irritation that can be built up over time. This could be not nurturing ourselves in the Four Cornerstones. Maybe we just need to have a space to process our emotions, to feel hurt, to feel seen, to connect with our spirit, our essence, which is our fourth cornerstone, so that we don’t take everyday life so seriously.

Kimberly: 03:39 The first thing I always say Kasha, is to food, body, emotional wellbeing, spiritual growth, to take a little inventory of your life right now and to see where you could possibly nurture yourself more and create that balance. I will also say that triggers are very important to pay attention to. If there’s something that you feel that you react to often, you start to write it down in a journal. I started to notice when I did this, that I was very reactive to anytime I felt I wasn’t being heard. If someone would interrupt me or I would say something and I almost felt like they were invalidating me, they’re like, “No, actually this.”

Kimberly: 04:20 In a blunt way. I would really start to feel that fire build up in me. And this was because of some childhood stuff that happened where I didn’t feel heard. A lot of these reactions come from survival techniques and tools that we’ve learned from our childhood. Again, I’m not a psychologist but I do think it’s important to note when you feel reactive, what happened in the conversation or what particularly made you feel that emotion, to note it, to write it down and then to sit with it. And now this is something I talked about Recipes for your Perfectly Imperfect Life. When we start to sit with something, it’s that awareness, we start to create a distance between us and that emotion, so we’re not identifying with it and that’s really healing. And then we can start to look at the root. And I started to look at what happened, certain instances in my childhood. Of course, our parents are all doing their best. This isn’t to blame them at all but just to notice times where I felt, “Oh, I don’t matter. I’m not heard.”

Kimberly: 05:24 And to [inaudible 00:05:25] and to see, “Oh, this person may be coming home from work. And they were just tired and it wasn’t about me.”

Kimberly: 05:33 We can look at it through our adult, more formed brain, through the perspective of an adult versus a child, which may internalize ideas as truths, which really aren’t true and we grew up believing that. Again, I would say four cornerstones Kasha and looking at repeat patterns and triggers.

Kimberly: 05:57 And number three, the very simple rule of taking a deep breath, counting to 10 before you get … When anything gets the best of you in the moment, it’s just to take that pause and to honor your feelings. Not to suppress things but to feel things rise up in your body and maybe not to speak until you feel things start to go down. I don’t think it’s necessarily just 10 seconds. I think it’s more for me, the feeling. Sometimes I need to go to the bathroom, step away, go outside but I let myself take those breaths before I write an email back or before I get confrontational. Now, I still do. Sometimes I still definitely get reactive but it’s gotten a lot better since I have put those practices in place.

Kimberly: 06:47 The last thing I will say too, is we’re all going to mess up. We’re all going to be reactive sometimes or say things out of context or get mad. And it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, Kasha. Just remember, we’re whole. We’re complex beings. We’re going to have good days and bad days. Just because sometimes you are reactive, you’re still a beautiful whole, wonderful person. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have triggers and we all have struggles.

Katelyn: 07:16 Yes, I couldn’t agree more about just knowing what your triggers are. I definitely had to learn that and be like, “Why am I so agitated? Or where is this coming from? And as you said, it’s not always perfect but I’ve found it’s how people recover when they’re reactive really helps, right. Like somebody saying, “Hey.” Or I try to do it too if I go off the wall with my husband sometimes, I just do follow up and say, “This triggered me. This is something I’m struggling with. I’m working on it.”

Katelyn: 07:45 Then you’re acknowledging like, “Maybe I shouldn’t have said those things but it’s something I’m working on.”

Question 2: How do you eliminate fear? I notice my default thoughts and reactions are usually fearful ones, thinking about the possible negative outcomes before the positive ones.

Katelyn: 07:51 And I find that I have a pretty good result with friends or family or in professional settings with that, where you can come back around if you really are off kilter for some reason. Or sometimes people just have a bad day, right. We just catch each other at the wrong time. Yeah. Well, that’s a good one. We all struggle with that. Okay, this is a big one too. I’d love to hear personally what you think about this one. Kathryn from Boston, “How do you eliminate fear? I notice my default thoughts and reactions are usually fearful ones, thinking about the possible negative outcomes before the positive ones.”

Kimberly: 08:34 Catherine, thank you so much for your question. I definitely think that this is something that we all deal with. We all have fear in different ways and this has a lot to do with your root chakra, which is our first chakra, so to speak, which is located in our hip area, the lower part of our spine. It’s associated with mother earth, with the grounding energy of the earth, with the color red. I think that we go to fear when we don’t really feel safe and secure. And again, this could be related to some childhood stuff where we had to go into survival mode to get that safety and security. It could just be something we’ve learned along the way but remember that it is a way of thinking. It’s not fundamentally who you are, Catherine.

Kimberly: 09:27 At the core, we are love. We are light. We are pure vibration. We’re pure potentiality. Fear is a learned concept. It’s a way of looking at things. Just the way we learned it, we can unlearn it. We want to rewire our brains, so to speak. And one thing I think we can do … Our fourth cornerstone is spiritual growth. The more we find and connect to our sense of safety and security, that can’t be taken away, the less fearful we become of life. That’s ourselves. That’s our essence. That’s the wholeness. That’s the spirit. That’s trusting and knowing that there’s something, a greater intelligence than us, that’s working through us. It’s understanding that we’re self-reliant, we’re strong. Even if our jobs and our apartment goes away, we can rebuild ourselves because we have ourselves and our safety insecurity is rooted in something much, much deeper than just the normal schedule of our day.

Kimberly: 10:34 Building that resilience, building that feeling of strength and security really comes from meditation I find because we’re just sitting with ourselves and we’re connecting with our essence. That’s really important. And then again, back to this nurturing of your muladhara chakra, your root chakra. From a cornerstone perspective, food wise, you want to eat really earthy foods. The earth feels very, very safe. Things like root vegetables, carrots and beets and even nuts and just very earthy plant based foods, is going to feel grounding in your body.

Kimberly: 11:13 From a body perspective, we want to ground. We want to sit in the earth, barefoot. Walk on the earth, whatever you can do to just feel connected to mother earth. And that root chakra energy is going to feel nurturing as well. Emotionally, I would let yourself process some of this on paper. You could sit there with a question, “What am I really fearful of?”

Kimberly: 11:41 And it keeps peeling back. Some people say, “Well, I’m fearful of losing my job.”

Kimberly: 11:45 Why are you fearful of losing your job underneath, “I get a lot of my self worth from my job or what am I going to do financially? I won’t be able to eat.”

Kimberly: 11:56 If you keep peeling it back to the basic survival, the root of it that’s based in these survival tendencies and these survival thoughts, then you can start to bring in some rationality, “I’m not going to starve to death. I will get another job. I’ll find this. I have family that will help.”

Kimberly: 12:16 Whatever it is. And you start to talk to that irrational part of your brain from a rational standpoint, once you can sit with it. That’s why journaling I feel, is so powerful because it allows you this space to really process. And then from a spirit standpoint, as I mentioned, just doing a meditation, connecting with yourself. Developing a practice around that will help you feel safe and secure in yourself. And that’s really the root cause of fear, is we just don’t … We’re grasping for safety and security and we don’t know where to find it permanently or we try to get it in places that aren’t permanent, again, like changing society. And right now, in quarantine and everything with COVID, things are changing every day. Safety and security can’t be found there. It’s got to be found from a deeper place. And again, I think these practices will help you, Catherine.

Katelyn: 13:12 Yeah, fear is a big one. It can really take hold of your life and suck the joy straight out of it. Having those optimistic approaches and some things in place like you mentioned, are really helpful. We all need that reminder because fear comes up every day.

Kimberly: 13:31 It does and it’s just a retraining of our brain because we don’t … When I look at my children now and I just think of how pure their hearts are …

Katelyn: 13:41 Right.

Kimberly: 13:41 You see, “Oh, wow. Fear is really taught.”

Kimberly: 13:44 And it’s a reaction. And sometimes your body just goes into that fight or flight mode and there is no danger. And of course, everybody talks about the caveman, the saber-toothed tiger. And we were meant to be safe in that way but now in society, we’re in that overdrive all the time but I really do think again, with space and with connecting with nature and getting out of the rat race and the constant doing cycle and the pressure, we do start to reset and we do start to feel safe within ourselves but it does require a practice again, of going within meditating, going in nature but I do feel stress … Fear can be unlearned largely, just like we learned it in the first place.

Break

Katelyn: 14:30 Right, right. Yeah. It’s just even being mindful that that’s a thing that you could do, right. I liked the first thing you said where it’s not who we are. It’s a behavior. It’s learned. It can be changed. That’s really powerful. All right, Beauties. Well, think on that for a moment. We’re going to let Kimberly and baby Moses take a short break and then they will be back. And Kim will answer the last two questions.

Kimberly: 00:00 All right, Beauties, we are back from our break and I’m happy to say, baby Moses is still sleeping peacefully on my lap. I am excited to talk about this topic. I love to talk about anything emotionally related, because I think it’s such a huge missing piece to wellness. Managing heightened emotions is a huge topic because if our high emotions get heightened, we get hijacked by our emotions. So we start to make decisions, whether it’s decisions that don’t reflect who we really are, whether it’s speaking in a sharp way or eating a bunch of ice cream, or just feeling really disconnected from ourselves and others around us. So we want to work on preventing that from happening, and it will still happen sometimes. It happens for all of us. It happens to me. But the less we kind of fall into that, the more even keel, the more centered we feel in our lives.

Katelyn: 01:02 Yeah, definitely people neglect the emotional side, I think, or just suppress it. So I think it’s really great that we talk about these things and make them more everyday conversations.

Kimberly: 01:14 Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Question 3: How can we more appropriately find the emotional blockages that we have? What I mean is that sometimes they are so hidden we aren’t even aware they’re lugging around inside us, if that makes sense.

Katelyn: 01:16 So we have a good question here from Sulay from Quebec. How can we more appropriately find the emotional blockages that we have? What I mean is that sometimes they are so hidden we aren’t even aware they’re lugging around inside us, if that makes sense.

Kimberly: 01:34 Mm-hmm (affirmative). Well, this is a great question, Sulay, thank you so much for writing in. I think this makes a lot of sense. It means that we don’t know, what we don’t know, and it’s very difficult to unravel everything from the beginning of our journey. But I think that if we start paying attention to, like we were saying earlier, we just create awareness of how we’re feeling in our bodies. Our bodies hold tremendous wisdom. So we can start to notice if we feel numb or we feel angry or hot, or something triggers us and we start to just keep progressing and keep noticing. So I used to notice, that Kathryn was saying or I’m sorry, who is our first Beauty? Casia talking about reactivity. The first thing I noticed was that I get really reactive and some times I get angry, but then later, and actually kind of recently, I started to notice that I have shame, and shame for being me for not feeling good enough, all these things.

Kimberly: 02:47 And they wouldn’t know that at the beginning of the journey, but it keeps unfolding. So right now Sulay, you may notice, oh, it’s hard for me to feel empathy or full unconditional love. Why is my heart blocked or why don’t have enough feelings here, or maybe I’m blocked from feeling vulnerable. And you can start to nurture that, like water on a garden. You can start to feel how you can bring more wholeness to that area. And then once you feel really good there, something else may open up. And that’s kind of how I have found the healing process to be, whether it’s working with someone on their diet or their spiritual connection, being able to meditate more fully.

Kimberly: 03:31 It’s an unfolding process where when you start with one thing and then you heal from that and then again, it just keeps rolling along. So we’re not going to know everything from the start and that’s okay. I think it’s more sequential and just seeing how things come. And again, the way the cornerstones got developed, the Four Cornerstones of Solluna, which are food, body, emotional wellbeing and spiritual growth is sort of reflective of where I started on the journey, which was really over weighting food. I say over weighting, but at the time like food was everything and I just was so passionate about healing my body with food.

Kimberly: 04:12 And once I healed from the food I saw, oh, there’s all this other stuff. It’s just the beginning. There’s emotions to heal from and being in touch with myself and connecting and feeling enough. So the food was the precursor, the food helped open it up, but then I realized this isn’t the end all be all. And so that’s why in my work and a lot of you that have been with me on the journey for a while and are on here on the podcast and also follow me on Instagram, will see, it’s really expanded. Where it used to be really focused on the nutrition aspect and being a nutritionist.

Kimberly: 04:48 And now I love to talk about the philosophy and the emotional part and the spiritual part, because I really see that as my focus right now in my own healing and what I love to talk to people about and the insight and the practices to support that part. But again, I didn’t know all this when I started. So what I would say Sulay is just, no, you are again where you’re meant to be. Everything’s unfolding and just feel and create awareness for where you are right now. And then as you heal one part, then all the stuff that you feel is lugging around, will start to unfold naturally its own time.

Katelyn: 05:29 Right. We always, I feel like, want to know, but like you said, would I have known anything that was going to happen over the past decade or the journeys. You do just kind of have to become aware and go along for the ride versus being like, if somebody would have given me a journal with everything written that I was going to go through ahead of time, I’m like, hmm. I might’ve not wanted to endure all of that.

Kimberly: 05:54 Yeah, for sure. Like it just needs to progress in its own time and we can’t force it.

Question 4: When I snap at my husband and kids, I really go all out. Sometimes I throw things and curse words may slip out and I feel awful when I see my kids’ expressions on their faces. How can I find the right balance, so I get my point across without this extreme behavior? It’s kind of embarrassing.

Katelyn: 06:03 Yeah. No, that’s really helpful. All right. So we have one more question for you from Jamie, living in Nevada. When I snap at my husband and kids, I really go all out. Sometimes I throw things and curse words may slip out and I feel awful when I see my kids’ expressions on their faces. How can I find the right balance, so I get my point across without this extreme behavior? It’s kind of embarrassing.

Kimberly: 06:31 To Jamie, sending you lots of love. And I want to send you a hug and tell you, right from me to you, that you are a good person and you are full of love and you are whole and you’re complete, and it’s okay that we’re imperfect. So I don’t want you for a minute to feel badly about yourself. We can still separate our behavior and say, I don’t like this behavior, this isn’t really me, and know that we need to work on that. But also I think we are so hard on ourselves sometimes that when we mess up or we say the wrong thing, we gets so hard on ourselves and just say, “I’m terrible.” We beat ourselves up and I really don’t think that’s helpful at all. So I just want to acknowledge that you’re a wonderful, loving, amazing soul, just as you are. And you just like everyone else, sometimes messes up.

Kimberly: 07:35 So I think that this awareness, again, that you’ve started to bring forward is really important. The fact that you’re snapping, the fact that you feel bad afterwards, it means there’s pent up tension in your body. There’s pent up something that’s not being processed. So I would, again, sit with what is the actual reactions, like what’s really bothering you, what triggers you? Is it, for me, again, it’s not being seen or being heard. Is it feeling invalidated, is it feeling dismissed? What is it that really makes you snap?

Kimberly: 08:16 And then I would say if it feels that extreme it’s right on the surface, so maybe it’s something that’s been part of your life for many years. Maybe there’s an incident that happened. Maybe it’s a series of incidents or a general, just environment that you were in your childhood. So just sitting with that is really important. And I recommend this book hundreds of times, but I will recommend it to you again, Jamie, is to read the Letting Go book by Dr. Hawkins. Because he talks about this snapping and this feeling embarrassed after we do something, where we start to learn to feel the feelings and then let them move through us like a wave.

Kimberly: 09:02 We don’t feel that we have to act right away when we’re in the middle of the wave. And we can honor our feelings and we can honor that tension and that resentment and let it be what it is, because we want ourselves to feel whatever feelings we feel and not to feel like anything is shameful or wrong. But then to let it pass through. And if we can learn that skill of feeling and then maybe taking a break, taking a pause, going in the bathroom, like it’s changing the space. And then we’re a little less likely to react and to snap and to throw things. That you do things that we’re not really proud of because we know that doesn’t represent who we truly are. And we feel disconnected from who we truly are.

Kimberly: 09:43 So just taking that pause and breathing and letting the feelings come up. And then when we started to feel the feelings go down, then we can act and speak more from that place. But that sacred pause is going to be what really helps you hear, Jamie. So I think sitting, noticing again the triggers and what comes up, reading that book, getting used to the skill of feeling your feelings. And then just on an everyday basis, the lifestyle steps that help us from being so reactive and snappy, making sure you’re getting enough sleep, making sure you’re nurturing yourself, eating enough veggies, getting all those B vitamins that help particularly with stress.

Kimberly: 10:26 Making sure that you’re exercising, that you’re moving your body. Making sure that you have time for creativity and self-expression, whether it’s journaling or dancing or making food or doing whatever that makes you feel expressed. And then having time to meditate as well and connect with yourself. But even if we meditate, I can say this from personal experience, it doesn’t mean that triggers automatically go away. So it’s important that we also do the deeper work, feel our feelings, create that awareness journal, and these are big ways to heal as well.

Katelyn: 11:04 Yes, working on it takes time. That’s for sure.

Kimberly: 11:06 Of course.

Katelyn: 11:07 It’s the evolution. I was just thinking when you were talking, I’m like, we’ve talked about this many times and it’s just that repetition and the reminders and it keeps coming up in questions, year after year. So it’s so helpful.

Kimberly: 11:21 Yeah.

Katelyn: 11:22 It’s not something like, “Oh, check it off the box. I’m all good here.” So, I think that’s a good reminder for everybody.

Kimberly: 11:31 Yes.

Thought of the Week

Katelyn: 11:31 Well, as always, we’re coming to the end of our show and we’d love to see if you have any inspirational thoughts for us to round out our show today.

Kimberly: 11:40 Yes, I do. I’ve been sort of, I got a little bit of a space where I like to write my quotes out on Instagram and share some of the insights that have been coming through me. So I’m going to write a quote, or I’m going to say a quote that I wrote a couple of weeks ago, which is “take your power back and affirm that all your needs deserve to be met“. So I think sometimes with the big emotions, again we’re coming from this survival place where we’re so desperately trying to feel good and to get our needs met, but I think we can shift to a more powerful position where we believe our needs deserve to be met.

Kimberly: 12:28 And so takes away the hustling and the, “hey, look at me, look at me”, like the attention grabbing, when we just know that we deserve because we’re whole, because we’re us, because we’re good enough just as we are. It just creates a different shift in energy. And if we feel our needs don’t deserve to be met, if we don’t feel like we’re good enough, then we’re always looking subconsciously in ways to back that up and to have that be affirmed.

Kimberly: 12:58 So, it just creates more fights, more arguments, more snappiness because we’re nitpicking, we’re looking at things. So, just something to sit on, take your power back and affirm that all your needs deserve to be met. And you deserve, I’ll just leave it at that. You deserve because you’re whole and complete as you are right now. And even the days we mess up, even the days we’re reactive, even the days we’re emotional, we’re still deserving, you are still a good person. You are still a beautiful, complete soul. So, I’ll leave you with that. And thank you so much for writing in your questions. Thank you for being part of the community and listening in. If you’ve been listening to our show for a long time or maybe a short time, but you definitely resonate with what we’re talking about, please take a moment to leave us a review on iTunes, which is a really great way to support the show. Thank you so much, Kay, for gathering the questions. We love you lots. Thanks for being here for us every week.

Katelyn: 14:06 Yes. Thank you. And thank you, Beauties. Love being here. As always, I just like to remind you to keep submitting your questions over on the website. Click on the podcast tab and click over on, Ask

Kimberly. That’s over on mysolluna.com and we will see you back next week. Thank you.

Kimberly: 14:24 Awesome, love and Beauties. Sending you guys so much love. Take great care of yourself. We will be back here Monday for our next interview podcast. Til then, sending you so much love.