4 Ways To Build Your Self-Esteem [Episode #754]

This week’s topic is: 4 Ways To Build Your Self-Esteem

We in different ways feel this pressure to be something, to look like something, we compare ourselves, we end up feeling superior at times, and often inferior. And this has a huge detrimental impact on our happiness, our peace, our joy, and on our wellbeing. It’s really something that needs to be addressed.

And so whilst we generally may know that we’re low in self-esteem or we’re lacking in confidence, we need tools. We need to know what to do to actually shift it. And today I am very excited to give you four concrete tips for helping you to rebuild your self-esteem.

And as someone who has struggled with a lot of self-esteem and self-doubt in the past, I can say that these four tips I’m giving you are right from my heart, and they really do work. And it’s not a switch, it’s not an on and off thing. There is a process to this of healing, reframing and recontextualizing. We’re having this conversation together and putting some light and awareness on this is part of the healing journey.

Have you been wondering about this very topic? If you want to know the answer to this question sent in by a Beauty just like you, listen now to find out!

Remember you can submit your questions at https://mysolluna.com/askkimberly/

[Question Answered]

Alisa – Maryland

I often feel insecure and not sure of myself in my daily life. I feel like I may be suffering from the effects of low self esteem.  How can I recognize the signs and what can I do to help me through it?  Thanks Kimberly!

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Transcript:

Note: The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate. This is due to inaudible passages or transcription errors. It is posted as an aid, but should not be treated as an authoritative record.

Kimberly: 00:01 Namaste loves and welcome back to our Thursday Q&A podcast. Our topic today is a powerful one for most all of us, 4 Ways to Build Your Self-Esteem. So we’ll get into the research in a moment, but it’s almost a hundred percent in some studies showing that we in different ways feel this pressure to be something, to look like, something we compare ourselves, we end up feeling superior at times, but often inferior. And this has a huge detrimental impact on our happiness, on our peace, on our joy, on our wellbeing. I mean, it’s, it’s really, um, something that needs to be addressed. And so whilst we generally may know that we’re low in self-esteem or we’re lacking in confidence, we need tools. We need to know what to do to actually shift it. And so today I am very excited to give you four concrete tools, four concrete tips for helping you to build, rebuild your self-esteem.

01:17 And as someone who has struggled with a lot of self-esteem issues in the past, a lot of self-doubt in the past, I can say that these four tips I’m giving you are right from my heart, and they really do work. And it’s not a switch, it’s not an on and off thing. There is a process to this of, of healing and reframing and recontextualizing, but the fact that we’re having this conversation together and putting some light and awareness on this is part of the healing journey. So it is my great honor to be with you today, and I’m so excited and just grateful that we’re here together having this conversation.

Please leave a review on iTunes and Subscribe

So thank you for listening. As always, thank you for being part of the community. And before we dive in, I just wanna give a little reminder to please leave us a review on Apple or Spotify, wherever you listen to our show, especially if you’ve benefited in any way, because it’s this energy of sharing that helps other souls come in and they can get some solace and comfort and information that can help their lives, which is the pure, true intention of our show.

02:37 So thank you in advance. It means so much. Please subscribe to the show for your own, so you stay in the flow. You don’t have to think. You can just be in that <laugh> beautiful flow week to week. And also share the show with anyone that you think could benefit. And particularly this episode with friends and relatives or anyone that you know that struggles with confidence and self-esteem. Expansion, abundance is this energy of love and sharing. So something simple like sharing a podcast is a great way to activate that energy.

Get Your Copy Of YOU ARE MORE

And also, our new book, You Are More More Than You Think You Are – Practical Enlightenment For Everyday Life, is out in paperback as of very recent, I wanna say two weeks ago, January. Here we are in 2023. So it’s very exciting to, so to see this relaunch into a lighter version that you can take around with you, throw it in your purse, take it on the plane, or wherever you happen to be, curl up on the couch.

03:43 It’s nice to have, uh, a physical version of the book, I think because there’s practices and there’s something very grounding about the written word in, in a physical form. So check it out for yourself. This book, again, if you’re new to the community or you haven’t read it yet, is really about reshaping your entire life, including your peace, your vitality, your abundance, your abilities to manifest in the world as a creator from the inside out. So it’s like a seed. We work with the healthiest seed, and then it sprouts into this glorious beauty externally out of the soil, right? The, the powerful oak tree, looking at my Sequoia tree right now at the window, um, or a beautiful rosebush or whatever it is. But if the seed is corrupted or limited in some way, we don’t get that result. And so often we try to change our life and we run into frustration, or we feel the limitations because we wanna go deeper and work with that seed energy.

04:57 And that’s how I’ve been able to really reshape my life. And I’m really passionate about sharing it with you from my heart. So please check it out wherever books are sold. All right, let’s get into our, um, our topic today, which is around self-esteem.

Question around the topic of: 4 Ways To Build Your Self Esteem: I often feel insecure and not sure of myself in my daily life. I feel like I may be suffering from the effects of low self esteem.  How can I recognize the signs and what can I do to help me through it?  Thanks Kimberly! 

04:57  So I’m so excited to jump into the four ways, but first I wanna give a little context here. If you are feeling self-doubt and you are feeling like you’re not good enough, know that you are not alone. The national Report on Self-Esteem from 2008 said that 98% of women feel that they have to look a certain way and they feel pressure because of this. 70% of girls do not consider themselves in some way to be good enough compared to others. And so this could be body image, academic success, relationships, 70%.

Kimberly: 05:56 But this is not just relegated to women and men. There is more research now, especially because of social media. There’s pressure to be more muscular, to have these bodies, this, this, you know, sort of quintessential fit man body type. And so there’s research around that, which we will link to in the show notes. And unfortunately for children, this, um, this is the one that also really breaks my heart. There’s cyber bullying. Now, you know, I didn’t grow up with Facebook when I was a child, but, um, some research shows that one in four young girls and 18% of boys can experience cyber bullying, which of course has such a huge impact on self-esteem. The children feel lower self-esteem because of excess weight or obesity. And by now, I think all of us know that social media has a huge potential detrimental effect on our self-esteem.

07:03 There’s so much comparison that we can unknowingly slip into from social media and a sh uh, a show which we willing to, in the show notes is with my interview with Renee England, who runs the Body and Media Lab out of Northwestern, that she goes into great detail about this topic. I think she said it was, um, women, they, they actually studied this formally, I think it was with women, eight minutes on Instagram, had a, uh, uh, measurable lowering effect of their, their feelings of feeling good about themselves, confidence, self-esteem, all these actual variables that they were able to measure. So we’re seeing evidence-based proof that, hmm, we need to reframe our relationship with ourselves. So in general, and then also if we go on social media, we don’t feel so susceptible. So there’s a lot here and there is a lot of research around this topic just showing how prevalent it is today.

08:15 Just wanna mention, um, on the positive note that as we increase our self-esteem, it’s, it’s associated with physical wellbeing. So it just shows how everything is really interconnected. When we feel really good, feel good, we feel connected, title of our podcast that, you know, there’s something that we care about. It means that we have more feelings of empowerment in our lives. We tend to make better choices. We eat better, we show up for ourselves. We don’t abandon ourselves, we have better relationships. So it really does trickle through our whole lives.

#1. 4 Ways To Build Your Self-Esteem: Self-Awareness

Kimberly: 08:54 So now I wanna get into the four key ways that we can build, rebuild our self-esteem. So the first one is the biggest one, and this is self-awareness. This is when we realize that if we are measuring ourselves and finding ourselves to be superior at times are often inferior at times, it means that we are simply evaluating ourselves on the level of ego on the surface. And we don’t wanna play on the surface. We wanna connect to who we really are, which is the true self. Once we start connecting to this formless energy inside of us, which is what the new book is entirely about, we find great peace. We also experience the truth, which is that every single person is equal.

09:54 If we live on the surface, it does not appear that way. We can say, oh, well look at this person. They have way better hair, or so many more designer fashion clothes, or there’s so much more successful than me. They make so much more money, right? But this is part of the delusion of the transitory life, the surface that spiritual teachers in all walks, in all religions, and all faiths have been teaching us for years. This is when the, the truth of the equality comes through. When we experience this energy and we start to realize little by little, this does not happen overnight, but that this, this spark, this consciousness, this, this love, if you wanna think of it in terms of that or higher intelligence, divine intelligence, God, source, universe, whatever, however you like to think of it, it runs through everything. And this is, you know, one of the reasons that Jesus treated equally, you know, the kings and the lepers and the prostitutes and all walks of life, because he could see through the delusion and he could see the truth that underneath we are this beautiful soul.

11:14 You are whole in complete. So if you’re finding yourself in low self-esteem because you’re just saying, oh, well look, she’s skinnier than me, or she has a bigger butt or whatever, we are playing on the surface and we will always suffer and we will never feel good enough. So it is so important that we take time, effort, attention, to connect to the true self inside of you. And the primary way to do that is through meditation. When we close our eyes and we settle in and we go past form, we go past the mirrors, we go past what we see

Kimberly: 11:52 With the senses on social media and we connect. And that’s why it’s really powerful to do meditation at the beginning of the day before we start the day. And so we anchor into the truth inside of us and we become less susceptible. And over time we become less susceptible. And this is a truth that I have personally experienced. I found a lot of this inferiority, superiority, this like bouncing back and forth and particularly aca, the academic realm, my whole worth being tied to, you know, my placement in the class and how I did in grades and, and all this. It was just so tied. And <laugh>, it’s really stressful because we don’t have control over the external world. Our self-esteem will always be like this pinball going up and down, up and down. And at a certain point we realize we don’t wanna live like this anymore.

12:47 So we have to choose that. We don’t want that. And so it means we choose something different. So the difference is literally not defining yourself by your ego and what is you see on the surface of life, your achievements, your looks, all this stuff, your accumulations, how much money and things like that. We say, I know that I am more than this. And so your worth is not up for grabs. It is intact no matter what. As you age, as things come and go, you are more than you think you are <laugh>, you are the true self. So please check out our library of free guided practical enlightenment meditations where I can guide you through really connecting in this, um, accessible form of meditation, which is under 10 minutes, is inspired by the great yoga guru Paramahansa Yogananda. And if you really wanna go deep into yoga, science and a whole complete system of crea yoga, Raja yoga, based on the the deepest, most powerful principles of yoga, please go take his lessons, which are available at the Self Realization Fellowship website.

#2. 4 Ways To Build Your Self-Esteem: Find Confidence

14:04 That’s if you really wanna go deep, I’ve done the lessons myself and it has changed everything for me. So those are two resources I offer to you. This second way to build your self-esteem is to find confidence in living your values. So first is connecting to who you really are underneath. And second is realizing that living in accordance with what you really believe in, that’s something to really be proud of. That’s steady, that’s stable. We believe in love. We believe in kindness. We believe in being grateful. We believe in the equality of all of mankind, you know, whatever it is that you really value when you live that in your daily life, that’s where confidence can really come from. That’s where the self-esteem is. And hey, I know that I’m a good person and that’s so much more than, Hey, I’m the hottest looking person at this party until the next person comes in that maybe have a fancier cooler dress or shoes or whatever it is.

15:13 Again, where are we placing our worth? So values is something that’s deep and powerful and stabilizing and timeless. So no matter where you are in your life, no matter where, what age you are, or you know, just where you are on your personal journey, live your values. And you know what, sometimes we mess up <laugh>, I mess up, you mess up, we all mess up. Meaning sometimes we act in a reactive way. We may believe in kindness, but sometimes something happened and we could be a little gruff, especially to someone that we really love. And so what we do, part of living our values is self-awareness. We clean up the mess, we say, Hey man, I’m sorry, I didn’t really mean to do that. And so this self-awareness is part of, um, bringing in just forgiveness, which is also a value of self-forgiveness. It means we don’t, we’re not gonna be perfect, but we are still living our values if we mess up and clean up the mess and acknowledge.

#3. 4 Ways To Build Your Self-Esteem: Create a circle of community

16:20 So define your values and live by them. Number three, create a circle of community and friends that really see you and honor you and you really see them and honor them. We do not give, we need, we do not need to give our power away to strangers on social media. We have, we can build a really solid circle, a community that is deeper than that. And when people really see you, it feels good and you really see them. And so I encourage you to create that and to lean on that. And whether it’s in text group or you know, getting together as much as you can, we’re all busy. But really creating space to nurture that supportive community that reinforces your values and sees you for who you really are, that is so powerful and nurturing in, especially in today’s world.

#4. 4 Ways To Build Your Self-Esteem: Practice self-care across all Four Cornerstones

17:31 And the fourth way to raise your self-esteem is to practice self-care and part of and self-care across all four of our cornerstones. So food, body, emotional wellbeing, and spiritual growth are showed today, of course fits into the emotional wellbeing cornerstone. And part of that is self-compassion. So not being so hard on yourself and just having more softness. And so we can nurture that softness and get away from mental rigidity and constantly beating ourselves up when we have a, a softer way of treating our bodies and really honoring sleep and not pushing ourselves so much to always work out in a really hardcore way. Maybe going for a walk or doing yin yoga and loving yourself through the foods that you eat. Taking the time to prepare simple, beautiful meals and, um, taking care of your gut microbiome, taking care of your, you know, all these infinite ways, just honoring yourself, staying hydrated, taking your SBO Probiotics, taking the time to meditate and saying no to things in your schedule so you can slow down and take time for self-care.

18:37 So all of this reinforces the core belief that I am worthy, I’m worthy of self-care, I’m worthy of self-compassion. I honor myself, I love myself, I validate myself, and therefore I do not need to overly rely on the opinions of other people on external validation. So all of this works synergistically, but it really does start with the primary one, the first one that we said, which is understanding that anytime we’re feeling battered around, we’re feeling competitive, we’re feeling less than, sometimes better than, but then the opposition’s gonna be the less than will that will come in. It is because we are defining ourselves from egoic characteristics and not from the worth of a whole complete being, the true self, the formless unique energy inside of you. So we have to first and all of all become aware of that. And we’ll still come up perhaps, but we just keep bringing it back to I’m not gonna give my power away.

19:47 I’m not gonna continue to define myself in this really limited way. I can, you know, work to improve my looks. I can be aware of certain things. And of course there’s discernment, okay, factually, maybe someone has a higher job promotion than me. But it doesn’t mean you’re better than or less than someone. It doesn’t mean they’re better than you. It doesn’t mean what we think. It means Everyone is equal and that includes you. You are unique. So is everyone else. Everyone’s special, right? Everyone is this being that’s beyond comparison. So we have to continue to nurture and foster and integrate that different perspective and then we keep going deeper and deeper. And then your self-esteem will grow, your confidence will grow this naturalness, there’s also a chapter in the new book called Around Confidence and True Confidence, which I encourage you to read in the practice in their practices for really, um, shifting your energy when you feel triggered, when you feel like you’re in that mindset.

20:53 It’s a practice I continue to use today because I still get triggered. We’re all works in progress, right? So there’s different things that cause us to feel that, oh, you know, that feeling if I’m not good enough, but we just keep going and we keep growing and it does get better. It’s gotten a lot better in my life and therefore I know it can get a lot better in your life too. So again, the four ways to build self-esteem are, um, realize that we can define ourselves by the true self, not the surface. Number two, find confidence in living your values. Number three, create a really supportive circle of friends community that sees you and honors you for who you are. And in turn you see them. And number four, practice self-care, including self-compassion. So I hope this supports you on your journey, which is my true intention.

21:50 Please reach out to me for other ways. I can support you on the website, mysollluna.com. There is a portal for questions, comments, and also we will link to the show note in the show notes for this show, other podcasts that I think will really, um, support you in this particular area and other ones I think you would enjoy and benefit from. So, I love you. I am here for you and I’m just grateful that we’re connected. If you’re listening to this, we are connected and it means the world, it is, you know, that’s why we’re here, I think is to support and be here for each other. I’m also on social media at Kimberly Snyder if you’d like to reach out to me there. Otherwise, I’ll be back here Monday for our next interview show till then, sending you so much love and so much support and so much peace. [inaudible].