6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships [Episode #858]

This week’s topic is: 6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships

I’m excited to talk about relationships, which is such a huge part of our wellbeing, our energy, and our day-to-day experience. And today we’re going to be talking about 6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships in your life. And I would say fulfilling and also peaceful because when our relationships aren’t peaceful, whether it’s with our immediate family, our partner, our friends or colleagues, it can be a huge source of depleted energy. It can drain our vitality, it can drain our enjoyment of life. I believe it affects everything from our immunity to our digestion. Everything, as we talk about here in our community, is so interrelated and relationships are a huge, huge part of that.

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[Question Answered]

Bobby – Florida

Hello Kimberly, I am trying to improve my relationships with my husband and friends so I feel more connected. What can I do to strengthen my existing relationships and improve how I interact within them?

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Other Podcasts you may enjoy!:

• How to Trust Your Body’s Intuition in Friendships and Intimate Relationships in Life
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Transcript:

Note: The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate. This is due to inaudible passages or transcription errors. It is posted as an aid, but should not be treated as an authoritative record.

Kimberly: 00:00 Namaste. Loves and welcome back to our Thursday q and a show. I’m excited to talk today about relationships, which is such a huge part of our wellbeing. It’s such a huge part of our energy. It’s such a huge part of our day-to-Day experience. And today we’re going to be talking about 6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships in your life. And I would say fulfilling and also peaceful because when our relationships aren’t peaceful, whether it’s with our immediate family or our partner, or our friends or colleagues, as we all know, it can be a huge source of depleted energy. It can drain our vitality, it can drain our enjoyment of life. It affects everything from, I believe, our immunity to our digestion. So everything as we talk about here, so much in our community is so interrelated and relationships are a huge, huge part of that.

01:03 If you’re watching me today, little reminder that we have recently started taping the show. I’m very excited about that. You can see the show now on YouTube. You can also continue to listen to it as you prefer. Welcome to my home space. This is where I’ve always spoken to you guys. Speaking of relationships, hubby is here next to me when he comes into the show. This is where guests come in. Right here is where I meditate. So it’s really fun to have you guys in my intimate space. And if you are new, you didn’t realize we were taping it yet, please check it out as well. Alright, so the other little reminder I wanted to say before we launch in is that we have a lot of tools for you. The podcast being one of course, and then also tons of free guided meditations. Thousands, I think, of this point of amazing, delicious, simple, properly combined plant-based recipes, articles, other podcasts I think you would enjoy and more.

02:04 So it’s all over on our website, which is my so luna.com, S-O-L-L-U n.com. Alright, so relationships are in the emotional wellbeing category, our cornerstone that links to all the other ones. It really isn’t just about physical wellbeing, it’s really about how everything interlinks. And as I mentioned, relationships are a huge, huge part of that.

Question around the topic of: 6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships: Hello Kimberly, I am trying to improve my relationships with my husband and friends so I feel more connected. What can I do to strengthen my existing relationships and improve how I interact within them?

Our question comes today from Bobby who lives in Miami, Florida. Bobby, thank you so much for being part of our community. I love Florida so much, particularly southern Florida. I was there not so long ago for a conference, so sending you so much love. Thank you for bringing this topic forward to our community. You write, hello Kimberly. I’m trying to improve my relationship with my husband and friends so I feel more connected. What can I do to strengthen my existing relationships and improve how I interact with them? So I think this is a huge one because we’re not on an island, as I mentioned out there on our own.

03:16 And for those of us that are in a intimate relationship, this is one of the things I’ve talked about with my hubby, John. It’s a really powerful way to grow because your partner is your mirror. And as yogic philosophy has talked about, the householder path means that we are in this intimate community together. So shadows can come up and darkness things that we want to see about ourselves that if we’re single, perhaps it’s easier to run away from or to not see. And the same thing, of course is true with friends in a different way or coworkers. Our relationships can really help point ourselves back to ourselves and create so much growth and it’s so beautiful. And I can honestly say in my life that the most spiritual growth that has happened in my life has been over the past now five years about since I’ve been married to my husband because there’s this real closeness and so much love that holds the space that we’ve been able to work through really longstanding issues and traumas within ourselves that weren’t really visible before.

04:36 So this is a really big topic, and again, there’s six tips that we’re going to talk about that you can reflect on and hopefully apply in your own relationships in your life, whether that’s with your partner or with your close friends or with your relatives or coworkers or whatever it is. But first, as always, it’s really great to ground it in research as we always do on our show. And this first study and all these research articles are of course linked in our show notes over@mysauna.com. If you’re someone that loves to love to read research or to dive a little bit deeper in the first one comes from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. And what they found is that when people fall in love or when they are in love, there is a positive change in self-perception, contributing to overall life satisfaction and fulfillment.

05:29 And in a way, this article, if you read it talks about when we’re in love, we are inspired. In my words, I’m saying this to be the highest best version of ourselves. So there’s this positivity that comes in that can come across our lives because we want to be there for someone else. And that’s the power of love. That’s the really positive part of this, I believe, is that it spreads love across the planet, within our communities, within our families. We love that person, but it brings that up in ourselves to rise up to that power of love. And it doesn’t mean that we don’t get in slumps, of course, whether we’re in love or not, but there is this beauty that can come forth when we can really self-examine, am I being in alignment with my values? Am I being who I really want to be?

06:23 And it can cause us to, as I mentioned, rise up and this is self-reflecting on my own relationship with my husband when he got married and we became a family and now we have a couple of kids, it really grounded him and he always had his own business. But since then, his business has grown from four people to over 50 people because he had that focus and it created this whole life sort of integration with that relationship holding that space. So there’s a lot of beauty that comes from it. There’s a lot of practical benefits that can come from it. A study in the psychological bulletin showed that supportive relationships help us to mitigate the impact of stress. And we know this from the recent covid epidemic that we all went through and how impactful that was in terms of isolation and stress. And we could see that and hopefully that highlighted how we never want to take for granted the ones that we want to walk through life with.

07:31 Our chosen family, I would say our friends, those that we share life with our partner. It’s a really important way to walk through to not feel that sense of isolation, to move through these life stages to age together, to go through the happy times together and the challenging times together. And sometimes to get that sense of that stepping outside of ourselves, places where we may struggle to see ourselves, there’s places where we may block ourselves. A study in the American Psychological Association Journal found that there was a social support and specific stressors. This highlights this as well, that contributed to the quality. The quality of our life went up based on the quality of our relationships. Now again, this is where everything’s so interrelated. Stress is not the actual occurrences, it’s not the traffic. It’s not necessarily the death of relatives, but our response to that.

08:33 And when we have a strong system around us, when we have our relationships, we’re able to just feel more resilient in life if we have those deeply fulfilling relationships. So there’s less wear and tear on our organs, there’s less of that hormonal fluctuation which can really disable and break down our immunity, our endocrine system. It makes us more resilient beings when we really have healthy relationships. And on the other hand, we can infer and say we do have love. Maybe you felt this in your own life. You do have love, you do love your friends or your partner, but there’s really a lacking, shall we say, communication skills or there’s just so much drama, it can really imbalance your body and break your body down. So a podcast we had with Dr. Roland McCrady on here, he’s the director of research at the HeartMath Institute.

09:28 He’s the one who we ran our research, our study on for our heart aligned meditation, came on this podcast and said that two minutes of feeling irritation starts to put in motion, 1400, 1400 biochemical processes in the body that ultimately drain energy. So imagine if we’re in friction, if we’re not really hearing each other and we’re just feeling this batting of heads, that’s a lot more than two minutes of frustration or irritation, right? He also showed in his research that five minutes of anger imbalanced your hormones for at least six hours. So that means the lowering of DHEA, which is a really helpful hormone that can help us with vitality and the increase of cortisol, which leads to everything from the breakdown of our skin to belly fat to imbalance in our nervous system. So I bring this up again to just show that in everyday relationships, two minutes, five minutes can really have a huge impact on your body, right?

10:42 It feels good when we’re in harmony. It also feels good in your body. Your body will function better. Have you ever noticed married couples who seem to get along really well and there’s this deeper sense of harmony? Not always, but a lot of times there’s a higher state of vitality, wellbeing. We just start to feel more of a synergy. We can help to build each other up. And of course, this is also true for roommates, people that we’re in close contact with close friends, we don’t want to deplete ourselves and our partners and our loved ones. We want to start to soothe out all these little moments of friction because they really do impact big ways. So there’s a lot of research here. I’m not going to go into all of it. I’ll just call out a couple more things. This is from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that we all desire we all.

11:39 But it says here, it showed that humans as a group really thrive on this feeling of connectability and closeness, but the relationships that were the healthiest had closeness, but also autonomy. So what that means is being close doesn’t mean that we know exactly what’s right for our partner, that we should impose our will. It’s sort of that man woman dilemma that’s really funny that we, and funny but true. Sometimes we hear about where woman just wants to share about her day or her issues, and the man might be really solution oriented and sort of feel like he’s telling her what to do or vice versa. We want to feel that closeness, that intimacy where we can share and be heard, but at the same time, we want to feel free. So true love when we love, it’s freeing and we can be free in the relationship if there’s this sense of being told what to do all the time or being kind of just this compression, this sense of I can’t really be myself.

12:48 That starts to leak into attachment. What the yogis say is being overly attached really is the root of suffering. It means now we have expectations. We have expectations for how that person should be. That person feels like they have to be a certain way, and we lose this beautiful, true self freedom of expression. So in the healthiest relationships, there’s closeness, but there’s deep respect for that person being their own true free human being. And we don’t know all the answers for that person. We don’t have to impose what’s right for them. May not right or us may not be right for them. My husband and I eat completely different diets, for example. We have respect for each other. I am a plant-based. I eat a plant-based diet. He eats a largely carnivore based diet. And people say, oh my gosh, I can’t believe you guys coexist.

13:44 Because there’s that mutual respect, right? There’s that real saying, I am not going to say what’s right for me is right for everyone. And that’s such a huge part of getting closer in a relationship is feeling that we can be free and expressing that if you don’t feel free in some of your own relationships. So that’s really something to reflect on. And it was actually studied in this study. So another one, I’ll call out from the same journal, the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. And it found that sharing positive experiences contributed to relationship wellbeing and celebrating successes together fostered a sense of connection and fulfillment. This is where if we can be in relationships, whether that’s family members, friends, our chosen family members, our loved ones, where we can build each other up and celebrate not just the huge wins, but the little wins, right?

14:47 Oh, I did so great at this project at work, or I really feel good about what I wrote today. My little writing deadlines I love to share with my husband. And then it just is this added sense of even though we could say, sure, we validate ourselves, but when we get to share life together, it really does have so many positive mental health benefits instead of just seeing things or experiencing things on our own. And I think that’s why as humans, we love to share that beautiful picture of a sunset that we got in our Facebook community or whatever because we’re here to share life. We’re here, we’re tribal people and we’re here to support each other and to help each other grow. And so again, this study showed that there was very positive personal benefits, interpersonal benefits as a group, as a community, on a personal level, when we’re able to share those successes.

15:47 And then I would say as well with the stress management one, to also share when we’re feeling down, of course, as we mentioned earlier, we want to share the ops as well as the downs instead of taking things for granted. I also think this helps to build that really heart-based emotion, which has been shown. This is the emotion that we actually used and studied in our study appreciation. When we share some of these things with people, our loved ones, it can help us to appreciate more of our lives. We can share these moments, we share, we can feel happy for each other. It expands as energy of expansion for ourselves and each other. Okay, so how do we live this? We want to have really, really healthy relationships. And it doesn’t happen overnight. Some relationships may be more challenging than others, especially depending on living circumstances, how close we are with one another.

#1. 6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships: Don’t try to be right

16:41 We all come from different backgrounds. We’ve all had different childhoods. Bezel, VanDerKolk who wrote the book, your Body Keeps a Score, estimates that 75% of Americans have some form of trauma, which means it impacts the past coming into the present moment, how we see things, ways, neglect from the past, trying to search for love. I bring this up because it means that relationships can be a bit more complicated than it seems. So we want to make sure that we’re working consistently on ways to better our relationships. And so the first way, the first point that we want to keep in mind is don’t try to be right. Don’t try to be right.

17:32 It means that what is right for us may not be right for someone else. And if we come into a discussion, we’ll say an argument or just a neutral discussion instead of trying to be right, it’s about trying to find solutions. How do we move forward? How do we bridge this? So trying to be right and prove a point means we may be more aggressive. We may unknowingly beat that person down. We may waste a lot of energy in ourselves. Remember what I said about two minutes of irritation sets into motion, 1400 biochemical processes. Being right at the end of the day is not as important as your vitality and your levels of peace. We want to maintain inner peace. It doesn’t mean that we’re a doormat and we’re to be walked all over, but it means that instead of trying to be right, we can self validate.

18:28 We can say, well, this is what feels right inside of myself. We can not ignore ourselves. But at the same time, when we come into our discussion with that person who we’re in relationship with, we can try to keep in mind how do we find a solution? How do we move forward versus trying to prove this other person is wrong. I remember in a related way, I would get to these discussions sometimes with friends or people and my friend groups or friends of friends around things, even like diet. And I could go toe to toe with any of these people about all the research and all the studies and why having all this dairy wasn’t the greatest thing for a digestive tract and that they would battle back and trying to prove my view is right. And at the end of that discussion, at the end of the day, it’s exhausting.

19:25 And we start to notice, and again, this is where intuition comes in, where our energy levels are. What do we really want to put our time and energy into? What is worthy of our time and energy? And this becomes a really important part. If our highest goal is really beautiful, harmonious relationships and that harmony goes across our life, being right isn’t the most important thing to focus on it’s solutions. So I could say with my husband, well, you leave all your clothes around and I’m right, you’re wrong. You should be picking up. It makes him feel bad. It makes me feel like I’m a nag versus going into it where it’s more like the solution. Hey, I noticed that this is happening and I acknowledge sometimes I do this, like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Can we try to, when we take clothes off, just maybe put it right into the basket.

20:16 You start to establish that habit or whatever it is, just like easy little simple things along the way, or okay, it’s really hard for you to do that, but then maybe you can do this as well. Then I’d feel good because I’m doing this part. But then you do this home task more solutions so that it’s a win-win. And bridging that gap, it’s been really huge in my personal relationship. I could say. The second one is really, listen. I had a client Zoom the other day and I was speaking to her and she was talking about things with her family. Something was going on with one of her younger children. There was something going on with her husband that was a huge stressor. And I was able to take that information and see how we could support her in her practical lifestyle. And what she said to me, she wrote to me afterwards, and she said, you weren’t just hearing me.

#2. 6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships: Really listen

21:13 You really, really listen. And it made such an impact. And that’s something I’ve had to work on because I work with clients and that’s really helped me in my relationships. And also because I talk a lot as well in my work and writing a lot. But when we can really listen to each other deeply, it’s amazing how much self-growth comes. What’s been a huge part in my relationships is listening with openness and asking for feedback about myself, which is hard to take sometimes, but wow, the growth, because we don’t realize sometimes how we can go down these patterns and how we can come across a way that we don’t necessarily want to. Or people may be scared to even tell us things because they love us and they’re worried about how it might be received. But if we can really listen, we can hear someone else’s needs and then we can grow so much in ourselves.

22:14 I’m really grateful for the close friends and my husband for telling me certain things and tendencies. What it’s done particularly is highlight a childhood trauma of mine, of really wanting to be heard, understanding why it’s bothered me so much if people misunderstand me or they interrupt me, because that ness was just a really important way from my childhood that I felt that I could receive love. So listening is going to better our relationships because it will also better help us to understand ourselves as well as our partner. Oops.

#3. 6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships: Be independent and free, and let others do the same

Now the third one, which we highlighted a little bit in correlation with that study is that it’s really important to be independent and free and to let others do the same. So what we don’t want to create is codependence. And this can really easily happen, especially when you’re living with someone, is you just start to do everything together and it starts to meld together.

23:16 And I think there’s a real beauty in sharing life together, but at the same time, we’re all on this personal journey of growth and we all have this true self, this unique energy inside of ourselves. So in my life, that’s meant in my older son’s in school now, but when they were little and still with my younger one, we’re together almost all the time. And so this last trip to Hawaii, we actually really took that seriously and we had some childcare where my husband and I could do a hike together and talk during this amazing waterfall hike and plan the new year ahead without the kids. And that was so amazing for our relationship. And then separate to that, I need my time in the morning and in the evening after I put the kids in bed before I’m with a husband or I’m by myself and I need time to be alone.

24:10 And I do my walks by myself alone for an hour in nature. I just think we need time to be independent and free and to have that creative thinking come forth and to hear our intuition and to hear this wisdom being in nature is great as well. If you can turn off noise, if you can create real stillness, the messages that come from inside need space to be heard. So we want to be independent. We also want to make some of our own independent decisions. We can get feedback from our loved ones and from our friends. And if it’s asked for, we may weigh in. But at the end of the day, it really feels good when we make our own decisions based on feeling forced or pressured or I’m doing this because I feel like my whole family wants me to do this, right?

24:58 Healthy relationships thrive in freedom and autonomy. So it’s really, really important that we create that for ourselves and for our loved ones. Along with that, humility is a really important part of the journey. Humility and leads to non-judgment.

#4. 6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships: Be humble and don’t judge others’ journeys/don’t tell them what to do

This is one of the most yogic of all qualities. One of the Vedic philosophies, the Bava Gita, Paramahansa, Yogananda all talks about how important it is to be humble when our egos, egoic relationships tend to fight a lot and combat, it’s the ego versus the ego. I judge your life path or how your eating is wrong, or you should be exercising more. You should be doing this, you should leave that job, you should be with this person, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. When we’re humble, we come from the heart and we don’t judge another’s journey. We can listen really well. This is where we can all interconnect and we can offer our own opinion from our standpoint, but we never want to judge.

26:07 When we judge in our relationships, the other person pulls away and it starts to disintegrate, closeness and intimacy because we don’t feel like we can really be ourselves. So we really want to step into that place of humility. And I do this, I try to be really conscious of this with my children, especially my young one, my three-year-old, where I’ll really get down to his level. I’ll sit on the ground and see the world from his eyes instead of trying to impose as the adult and really listen to how he’s feeling and really listen to how he’s seeing things because I want him to feel and to know that he’s respected as a human. And of course there’s things that he needs to be taught. He’s only three. But to feel that closeness because I really can see things from his standpoint. And my husband’s highlighted this to me as well as always, he’s an amazing mirror saying that he’s seen judgment in my eyes if I’ll look at what he orders at the restaurant or whatever, and I really work to cleanse that from myself because it doesn’t make him change the way he’s eating.

27:15 It actually makes him want to dig in more to how he’s eating. It creates that pulling back. And again, all the research shows the closeness that we can benefit from relationships means that we need to feel really free and we feel really free when we let down that judginess of the ego and we let the humble heart come forward, we want to avoid.

#5. 6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships: Maintain respect (avoid over-familiarity)

The next one is to avoid over familiarity, which is a term that Yogananda says, and to maintain respect. And what this means is sometimes we hear this right? I speak to the people closest to me in a way I would never speak to publicly or people that I don’t know. And why is that? Because we start to become over familiar. So the boundaries start to blend. We want to keep that line between ourselves and others and maintain that sense of respect and not let this darkness or these parts of ourselves that we usually keep in check rise up to the people that we really love or those we’re in relationship with.

28:21 We can start to feel those feelings. We want to turn a light to them. We don’t want to suppress them, but we want to be aware. But when things come out of our mouth, they should always be respectful. So that means sometimes taking that moment to self-regulate, to self-soothe. These are some of the emotional wellbeing tips and strategies we’ve used. And in our meditations, 30 seconds of that heart-based breathing, that coherent breathing, for instance, shifting down to the heart. Things that we teach in those meditations takes us out of that, that mind that going into that pathway of that frustration, which then gets projected out into the other person. We want to make sure that we are in calmness and poise, ideally before we use our voice, before we communicate. Because it comes across in a way where we’re often going to have to clean up a mess, we’re going to hurt others.

29:16 So maintaining respect means we do not want to play victim mode. No matter what’s happening or whatever someone wrote to us or what they said, we are in charge of ourselves. So creating healthy relationships means we take that ownership, we calm ourselves down, take a couple breaths. Sometimes we go to the bathroom, sometimes we take a quick walk. Sometimes it means not emailing till the next day, 24 hours or whatever it is. We want to maintain that real equanimity and we can say what we need to say, but not from a triggered place. And then what we said will be met with far more. It will be met with in a much more open way. Versus with aggression, it closes other people down. Again, it’s very destructive to relationships. So we want to make sure that we are calming ourselves.

#6. 6 Tangible Ways to Create More Fulfilling Relationships: Care about other’s goals as your own

30:15  The next and last point is to care about others’ goals as we do our own. So depending on how we’ve been raised, sometimes it’s easy to have even little narcissistic tendencies. I use this word with love and respect or just to really get focused on ourselves and our own world. We want to make sure that it’s win win for the group, for the community. And that way love expands. And this is a hard one for children. Sometimes we give them so much love and attention, and sometimes it can be about what they want. I am kind of working with my older son on this. I want to go here and we say, well, the family wants to this, or as a group, we need to decide how we spend Saturday morning or whatever it is. So when we expand and there’s happiness in the relationships and everyone’s goals are being met, it’s a lot more fulfilling in the relationships. It feels that everyone’s being nurtured.

31:12 If it’s just about one person or just about the kids or just about however it plays out dynamic wise, there’s a drain in the family relationship dynamic or there’s a drain in a relationship. It’s not sustainable. And as my dear friend and co-author a few bucks ago, Deepak Chopra says that we do not stay in a situation for long if it is unnatural to us. So we want to create that natural harmony, that self-sustaining harmony where everyone’s being fed in the relationship emotionally, right, and the dynamics are balanced. So that means it’s not just about my goals and what I want to do or my work, my work. I can really say in my relationship with my husband, we get into bed at the end of the night and talk about what’s going on in his work and his business. We talk about what’s going on in my business and my work, and there’s this beautiful balance and support and how we get support each other.

32:08 And that feels so good. And I’ve been in relationships where it’s not like that and it’s really about the other person or someone. And we want to expand our hearts. Again, so much of the healthy relationship comes not from the mental place, but from this deeper, intuitive, loving, compassionate, nonjudgmental place where we really do celebrate the wins together. So the goals, if this is important to that other person, it’s really important to me and it’s so nurturing and that will bridge so much and bring so much harmony and so much nutrition, so much goodness into the relationship that everyone benefits. So those are the six points I really wanted to highlight. Along with the research. Don’t try to be right. Go into any conversation or any interaction about solution oriented. How can we move forward from this in peace and harmony? Really listen, which is a skill that I think we could all work on more.

33:08 Be independent and free and let others do the same. Allow that autonomy within relationships. Number four, be humble. Humble heart is not judging of others’ paths and their decisions. We have to let people play out their own journey. We can provide guidance if it’s asked for, but we have to remain humble and not over imposing. Number five, maintain respect. Avoiding over familiarity. That means we have to self-soothe ourselves, not play victim mode, be responsible for our own calmness, be calm before we interact, ideally, use our tools. And number six, care about others’ goals as our own. We expand, we care. It’s not just about ourselves as individuals, but the relationship is more of this expansive heart and that fulfills, it brings fulfillment, harmony, and so much vitality into the relationships. So I’d love to hear from you. As always, please check out our show notes over on the website.

34:10 You can interact with me. You can leave comments here on the website about this podcast. You can also leave comments now on YouTube, on social media. You can find me at under Kimberly Snyder on Instagram about your ideas. As always, I’d love to hear I can support you more. And also on the website there is a tab where you can leave questions for future shows just like this. Remember, on the website, we have so many other resources and tools that are really helpful for relationships and other podcasts related to this from other relationship experts and so on. So I will be back Monday as always for our next interview show till then, sending you so much love, so much gratitude, and I will see you back here soon. Namaste.